Chapter 7

Blaine was still on a high the following day when he went to school, hugged and tapped on the back by members of glee club, suddenly made aware by Kurt that Blaine needed a friend, someone to really know him. The offers flooded in for movie nights with the girls, shopping trips, game marathons with the guys. Everyone wanted to be his friend and Blaine felt a bit overwhelmed.

The sudden friendships were very welcome, Blaine hoping they would help him to come out of his shell a bit more but he couldn't help but feel they were just pitying him and wanting to be his friend because Kurt told them. He wanted friends on his own terms and for his own merits. Ironically it made him feel more lonely than ever.

He was aware that if he mentioned it to Kurt in a letter that it would be obvious that Blaine was X and he didn't want that. He tried to find obscure ways to describe his feelings in his letter to Kurt that day.

Dear Kurt,

Something amazing certainly happened to me yesterday and I can't explain, as I know that will definitely give me away but it kind of overwhelmed me really. I suddenly have more friends than I thought I would have and it kind of makes me want to retreat into myself, hide away.

I know that makes me sound selfish and extremely picky – I've already complained of not knowing anyone, not really having a close friend – but I suppose I want it to occur naturally and not to be forced or because I'm pitied.

Yesterday really was amazing – I felt like I was flying and that it didn't matter that I was shy or silly, that people saw me and recognised what I was. I want to be that special to someone, I want to have that connection, want to be known.

I think I find talking so difficult because I'm so determined to be selfless, I forget about myself because I know so many more people have it worse than me. I know they don't really need to know about my worries so I let them talk, I listen.

I saw you today in the library, first period and you were reading a book for the history project I think. You didn't notice me, you were so engrossed, your tongue sticking out slightly in concentration that nearly made me laugh out loud. I wanted to come over to speak to you, was nearly overwhelmed with the feeling but I thought you wouldn't want to be disturbed and I didn't want to ruin your peace. You looked so beautiful Kurt, your face serious, cheekbones prominent, eyes shining. I wanted to sit and watch you all day. If only I could know you better.

There's something about letters that allow you to write your deepest thoughts without fear of judgement or the worry that your face will betray everything. I love writing to you Kurt and I hope my new found friendships don't disturb the quiet peace I feel around you or when I look at your beautiful face.

Love X

Dear X,

I love writing to you too X. I think there is something archaic and beautiful about writing letters that is lost today with all the bustle. I text friends, I abbreviate my feelings in tweets but nothing is as marvellous as revealing all in a letter.

I know how it is to feel like a small person amongst so many confident people. I know I feel like that but I can put on the show and pretend that I am a diva in competition with Rachel because I want to be heard, I want to be appreciated. I don't think you should ignore the friends that flock your way X, they just want to get to know you, really know you and it's only because they care. Don't shy away so much that you forget what it really means to live.

Life is precious X and if you waste it, if no one gets to know you, then life becomes unfulfilling. You need to express yourself, if only to feel alive again.

Love Kurt

Kurt felt sad when he had read Blaine's letter at first. He really had hoped that the song to him in the cafeteria would help him to come out of his shell more, realise he was appreciated and that he was important. Rachel had taken her mission very seriously when Kurt had asked about the song. She hadn't realised that Blaine felt lonely, in need of friends, she just assumed like the rest that he was shy and would express himself more fully when he got to know everyone better. She had told everyone to make an effort with Blaine and Kurt only just realised that would seem like a pity-party and Blaine didn't need that.

Perhaps continuing the letters would be the best way to help Blaine so Kurt decided to forgo all the grand gestures he had planned and instead try to really get to know Blaine outside of the letters.

Glee club the day after was all business as they started preparations for sectionals in two weeks time. Blaine looked nervous when everyone started vying for solos and duets, ways to express themselves and Kurt looked carefully at him, trying to find ways to include him.

"Maybe Blaine and I could do a duet at sectionals or Blaine could do a solo," Kurt said suddenly, confidently, as Rachel started in her seat about to object.

"That's a great idea Kurt," Mr Schue said, beaming, "Why don't you prepare something and show us tomorrow?"

Kurt smiled and leaned over to Blaine to squeeze his arm and Blaine felt himself calm as he realised he could do this, if Kurt helped him.

xXx

Dear Kurt,

You were amazing today in the gymnasium, so powerful and expressive, I've never been prouder to be your sort of friend as you stood there doing your speech for senior class president. I know you've been fiercely competing these last few weeks, trying to outdo Brittany and Rachel but I just know you will win after your speech today.

You explained so clearly how you stand up for others, wanting to make sure bullying wasn't an issue at McKinley anymore. Your stance against dodge ball was genius and although I know the jocks would hate the idea, I loved that people would be protected against bullying tactics and stupid games. You amaze me Kurt and I really hope you win.

It makes me want to be braver and I really hope that I can be better. For you.

Love X

Dear X,

I'm glad you saw the debate, I was so nervous and seeing familiar faces like Finn, Blaine and my dad made me feel so much calmer.

I wanted to stand up for something that actually would make a difference. I know my decision won't be the most popular but I think that standing up for something, making your voice heard is so important. I don't want to be silent anymore.

You are my friend X, no 'sort of' about it. I know I can tell you anything, I know you will help me anyway you can and I hope I do the same for you. I would say that makes us the best of friends really.

Love Kurt

Blaine's heart soared as he read Kurt's letter. The idea that he considered his face 'familiar' and reassuring, a calming influence made him feel warm inside and the thought of sharing X' true identity became more of a possibility. He felt so happy knowing that Kurt considered them friends and good friends at that. Blaine felt his day couldn't get any better.

The thought of singing at a competition made him feel nervous but he had sung with the warblers at their competitions, almost leading them to nationals and he knew he could do it if Kurt helped him. The thought of spending more time with Kurt made nervous butterflies take flight in his stomach but it was good nerves. He so wanted to share more with the real Kurt, not just in letters but he never knew what to say.

They practiced several songs later after Glee club in the quiet of Kurt's room, words barely said as they chose songs that showcased their voices so well. Kurt sung songs best for solos as Blaine watched awe-struck and Blaine sang songs suited to his voice, gaining confidence as he saw Kurt's warm smile, encouraging him. Kurt agreed to drive him home once they had finished as Blaine had left his car at school and they agreed that Kurt would pick him up in the morning. Blaine felt warm despite the chill in the air as they left the house and Kurt said he could open the window in the roof of the car. They listened to music from Kurt's iPod as they drove the streets of Lima and David Bowie's Heroes came on, Blaine exclaiming that he loved this song. He started singing and Kurt joined in, smiles beaming on their faces, not a care in the world. Kurt deliberately took the longer route, leading him through a long tunnel as he drove and nudging Blaine's arm he indicated standing in the car, letting his head come out of the car window above them, so he could feel the breeze through his hair. Blaine stood timidly, but felt his spirits soar as the wind whistled through his hair and Kurt turned the music up, both singing loudly. Blaine had never felt more free.

As the song finished and they drove out of the tunnel, Blaine sat back down in the car seat and looked over at Kurt's wide grin and he laughed too, feeling exhilarated.

"I need to do that more often," Blaine said, smiling.

"Yes we definitely need to do that more often," Kurt grinned and went back to facing the road, as he continued to drive Blaine home.