Chapter 18

Nationals in New York loom ahead of them and Kurt and Blaine are busy, with the rest of glee club, preparing their win against Vocal Adrenaline and other fierce competition. It never even occurs to Kurt and Blaine to worry about permission slips, until Mr Schue hands them out one day in a glee rehearsal, where they are still perfecting endless dance moves. Blaine looks at his slip and immediately starts to worry his bottom lip in his teeth. Kurt looks over.

"You'll get permission, right?" he asks dubiously.

"Yeah, sure," Blaine says nodding confidently, though feeling otherwise, "I mean it's a school trip, all paid for by donations and fundraising. Why couldn't I go?"

Kurt doesn't look convinced, can already see the panic in Blaine's eyes but drops the subject as Mike continues to choreograph the song they are practicing.

Blaine decides to casually mention it at dinner time, the only time that they are graced with his father's presence and he wades right in.

"You know we're going to New York for the glee club national championships," he says addressing his mum, who he has already discussed this with. She looks wide-eyed at her son, wondering why on earth he would mention this in front of his father.

"National championships, eh?" his father says, interest suddenly piqued at the mention of a competition. "What sport is that son?"

Blaine looked confused. His father obviously hadn't heard him mention glee club, now he would have to admit it.

"It's not a sport dad," he whispered, embarrassed, "Its glee club."

"Glee club?" he asked, a matching expression of confusion now on his face.

"Yeah dad, we sing and dance." Blaine tried to sound enthusiastic, hoping he would be able to impart to his father how much it meant to him.

"Sing and dance? Blaine, you waste your time on that?" he sneered, "There's no career in that, why spend your time doing that?"

"It's not a waste of time, I want to sing one day, make a career out of it."

"No Blaine, that is not my plan for you. Keep that as a hobby."

"Dad…"

"No Blaine," he said firmly and Blaine knew it would be no use to continue.

"I need your permission to go to New York," he said, now unsure whether he would get it.

"Yes, that's fine," he said gruffly, clearly perplexed as to why someone would want to sing and dance anywhere but Blaine took this chance and jumped up in excitement.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he said, immediately hugging his dad who shrugged Blaine off.

"Ok, ok, get off," he said but a slight smile graced his lips.

xXx

It was as Blaine passed the consent form to his father over a rushed breakfast before he went to school the following morning that Richard suddenly looked awkward.

"Sorry Blaine, it's not going to happen after all. I checked my diary, I'm on a business trip and I was going to take you and your mother."

Blaine's mum suddenly looked up from her coffee, her purpled eyes from lack of sleep, displayed surprise. This was news to her too.

"What? Where?" Blaine asked.

"Columbus. My firm is thinking of expanding and we need to scout for offices. They are thinking of letting me head up the firm there, start off small but gradually build up. This is a fantastic opportunity Blaine, we can't miss it. If it goes well, you could go back to Dalton, we could live in Columbus rather than this dire place and it means a lot of money."

"But why do I have to go?" Blaine asked, "I can go to New York."

"Blaine, we need to consider houses, we're a family." He left the kitchen table, finishing his cup of coffee and preparing to leave the house for work.

"Dad this means a lot to me, I really want to go to New York," Blaine started to plead, hoping his father would see how much it meant to him.

"My answer is final Blaine, there is no more discussion." And he left, with a hasty kiss on the cheek to his wife and a hope he would be home in time for dinner.

There was silence. Madeline sat there, avoiding Blaine's gaze which was fixed on her tired face. She looked guilty.

"Mum, please," Blaine said, "Help him to see."

"I can't Blaine," she said, without looking at him.

"Please mum, you can sign the form instead, it only requires a parent signature, we could explain it later."

She looked up carefully at Blaine, her eyes wide at his suggestion but starting to consider the option. She seemed to take forever to reach a conclusion but her sad eyes betrayed her final decision.

"I'm sorry Blaine," she whispered and Blaine left, done with pleading, done with this pathetic woman in front of him.

xXx

Kurt entered the school later to a sight that made him ache. Blaine stood by his locker, trying to place books that he would need in his satchel with tears streaming down his face. His body was tense, clear sobs wracking his body but no sound escaped.

"Blaine?" Kurt said as he approached and immediately Blaine sunk lower, grabbing Kurt fiercely around the waist and placing his head on Kurt's shoulder. His shoulders shook as he cried but no sound could be heard and Kurt felt his heart break at the feel of Blaine beneath his fingers. Finally he stopped, though as Blaine slipped out of Kurt's grasp, Kurt could see tears still working their way down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Kurt tried to wipe at the tears he could see.

"I can't go to New York after all; my dad's insisting my mum and I go to Columbus with him on a business trip. We might be moving there."

"What?" Kurt said, "Moving? You can't move Blaine, your life is here."

"It doesn't matter Kurt, you'll be gone soon and my life is like this now. I made a life in Westerville and had to move; now I'm here. It doesn't matter where I go if I can't see you anyway. I just was really looking forward to visiting New York with you, seeing the sights, sharing a room. I don't know…"

Kurt looked down. He had already thought about their relationship if he got into NYADA and leaving Blaine behind but he really believed they would survive long distance, that they'd make it work. It was just he'd never had a conversation with Blaine about it all.

"Blaine, I'm never saying goodbye to you, I promise. We can make long distance work if we need to, I know we can." He seemed so convinced that Blaine smiled through the tears pooling in his eyes.

"I'll miss New York…" Blaine said.

"I know, that really is horrible Blaine, I so wanted us to be there together but next year we will be. You'll visit me if I get into NYADA, won't you? We'll get other trips to New York, I promise." He stroked Blaine's cheek, trying to impart some kind of hope and love there and though it seemed to make Blaine feel a little better, there was a deep sadness in his eyes that Kurt knew wouldn't go away.

Glee club, where Blaine had to explain why he couldn't go, was so hard. Having to say he might be moving made all the juniors worried for the future success of glee as well as realising they had come to depend on Blaine for friendship. He had seemed to meld the group together, heal rifts and be the voice of reason on many an occasion. The thought of losing the seniors had been hard enough.

New York was tough without Blaine. Kurt enjoyed himself, singing on the steps of Time Square, where one day he hoped his face would be gracing a poster for a Broadway show and he walked around the theatres. They practiced in their hotel rooms and saw the sights and walked the park. He saw everything through Blaine's eyes, and wished he was with him.

Blaine spent a miserable few days in Columbus, scouting new houses with his mum and dad and constantly imagining what Kurt would be doing with his time. He text him constantly until he was reprimanded by his dad to pay attention. His mum seemed pleased at the houses, all bigger than the one they currently lived in. Perhaps she was considering herself more at ease in a place that displayed wealth, a feeling that wealth brought happiness. Blaine knew it would take a few weeks of her new place and she would feel anxious and depressed again. Nothing was ever enough.

Blaine was the first person Kurt rang when they won Nationals. There had been a rocky part of the final song, when Rachel and Finn had leant in close, looking to be on the cusp of a kiss when they remembered themselves and finished the song beautifully. They won with true dedication and determination and Blaine was there to welcome the glee club back from their victory along the halls of McKinley.

After a few days Kurt watched Blaine who seemed more depressed than ever and Kurt struggled to deal with it. He knew that Blaine had been through a lot but instead of talking about it with Kurt, he hid and barely spoke. He pretended everything was ok when asked but Kurt knew better. After a week of the ghost of Blaine walking the halls of McKinley, Kurt decided to act.

I think the tree may fall in the front yard
If this storm has its way
All I ever needed was a landline
Just in case the power lines go down
All I needed would never be enough for me

I think the storm may take the screen door
If the wind gets its way
All I ever needed was a landline
Just in case the power lines go down
All I needed would never be enough for me

This simple letter was placed in its usual place, no greeting, no signature but Blaine knew it was from Kurt. He read it and knew he was trying to reach out to him but he struggled to explain himself, never knew even how to start. He had tried to write in a letter how he felt but faltered as he started, crumpling up more pieces of paper and getting frustrated. Reading the lyrics to a song Blaine knew well, he knew Kurt understood and perhaps writing from the heart was never supposed to be easy but music helped. Kurt knew and was trying to relay this to Blaine: maybe he needed to show how he felt in the best, most honest way he knew how.

Blaine felt bad that Kurt was reaching out and he had been so distant. He knew he had to deal with the impending departure of Kurt, their uncertain future but he just wanted to detach himself from it all. He knew he wouldn't be able to live properly without Kurt. He felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, suddenly transported back to the world of black and white when she had known colour. Maybe he could relay that to Kurt through lyrics? He remembered one of his favourite love songs and how he had text Kurt lines from Shakespeare to make him swoon or that time when he had sung songs to Kurt on stage or in the choir room. He loved the quiet gestures too, intimate ways he could show Kurt he loved him, even the little things.

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

I read bad poetry
Into your machine
I save your messages
Just to hear your voice.
You always listen carefully
To awkward rhymes.
You always say your name.
Like I wouldn't know it's you
At your most beautiful.

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes secretly.
With every one, whisper I love you.
I let you sleep.
I know your closed eye watching me,
Listening.
I thought I saw a smile.

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

Receiving this letter of lyrics Kurt knew Blaine was trying to share, trying to be reached and he wished he could bring him closer. He wanted Blaine to really be aware of everything he loved about him, all the tiny things he observed that Blaine maybe hated about himself. These were the things that Kurt cherished.

The following day he left a simple post-it note on the piano, during lunchtime, knowing that Blaine liked to sit in the choir room lately and hoped he would read it and follow the trail.

This is the first of many post-it notes Blaine – please read them all.

I love your brown, amber, golden eyes especially when wide with love or tender with affection. Please now go to your favourite seat.

Blaine read the post-it note and smiled, his eyes gazing to his usual seat in the choir room. He couldn't see another post-it note but he looked underneath and felt along the chewing gum and picked off the small pink piece of paper he found there.

I love the little curl of hair near your neck and I long to see the man without the product

Go to the place we first met x

Blaine wandered to the hallway, near to his locker where he had received his first slushie. On his locker was placed another post-it note.

I love the way your eyes widen when you are enthusiastic and happy.

Go to the cafeteria xx

Blaine was even more intrigued as he walked to the bustling cafeteria and as he glanced around to see if he could spot Kurt or any Glee club member, Rachel suddenly appeared and handed him another post-it note without saying a word but smiling widely.

I love your passion for music and your heart. I want to always be wrapped in your strong arms. Go to the place we first sang together xx

Blaine remembered that afternoon well, their first rehearsal to sing for glee club. Blaine had been so nervous, so sure that Kurt would sing beautifully and Blaine would let him down. He loved to sing with Kurt now, and he knew he would miss hearing his voice the most when he went to New York.

As he walked into the auditorium, brandishing his many post-it notes, he noticed the place was completely empty. He approached the stage, going down the stairs and suddenly Kurt appeared and a single light shone over him. It made Blaine stop in his tracks and simply watch.

"You need to know how I feel about you Blaine. You once said you're not much of a romantic but you always make me feel loved and you need to know that I'm not giving up on us. I'm never saying goodbye to you."

So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone, you'll need love

To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall

And fall upon us all

Then between the sand and stone

Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe I'll work out

A way to make it back someday

To watch you, to guide you

Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall

It'll fall upon us all

Well I hope there's someone out there

Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart

Run away with my hope

Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how

My life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind

I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine

I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time

I'll go wherever you will go

Blaine watched the whole performance with tears pooling in his eyes, barely able to see Kurt's face but knew he was singing to him, trying to make his meaning clear. No matter where Kurt would be, he would always be with Blaine and they only had to wait and they would be together again.

As soon as Kurt finished, Blaine walked slowly to the stage and Kurt waited patiently, knowing it was Blaine's decision to make. Blaine continued his walk until he stood opposite Kurt, face-to-face and he smiled, a lone tear trickling down his face.

"That was beautiful Kurt," he whispered, not trusting his voice, "I'm sorry." He suddenly felt so incredibly tired; he sat down on the stage and crossed his legs. Kurt joined him.

"I've hated this week Blaine, I can't do this, I can't spend my last weeks with you like this. I know I'm going to miss you like crazy, I know that the thought of going to New York without you actually makes me consider not going but if I get into NYADA I need to know that you'll support me, that you'll try."

"I'll try Kurt, I'll try for you." Blaine says nodding.

"I've missed you so much," Kurt whispers, feeling a sudden urge to cry. Blaine crawls closer and hugs Kurt warmly.

"I'm always going to be here Kurt, I'll never leave you." He touches Kurt's chest, just over his beating heart and he instantly feels warmer and so loved.

xXx

The letter arrives a few days later. Rachel and Finn also expecting their letters, all agree to open theirs with Kurt in the choir room where it all started. Blaine is waiting anxiously outside, not wanting to break their time together but wanting to desperately know as soon as Kurt can tell him.

Finn opens his first and it is a rejection letter. His face falls and he waits patiently for Rachel who opens her letter to reveal she is going to New York and NYADA. It is just Kurt now, and he knows it rests on this, there is no other option. He opens it, then before pulling the letter out of its envelope he suddenly calls Blaine, who he knows is waiting outside the choir room. Blaine comes bounding in, thinking he has found out already, his face awash with desperation to know the outcome.

"I couldn't open it without you," Kurt says and Blaine stands in front of him, waiting with shaking hands.

Kurt takes the letter and quickly scans it, his face a mask of concentration until realisation hits home.

"I got in!" He suddenly exclaims and it is only Finn that is left alone and rejected as Blaine, Rachel and Kurt hug each other excitedly. Blaine wasn't sure what he was hoping for, a rejection would have allowed Kurt to reapply when Blaine did or possibly stay in Ohio but looking at Kurt's face now, the only thing he really wanted was Kurt's happiness and the opportunity for him to live his dream. He has this now and Blaine can't take it away from him.