Blaine sees Kurt less than he did before, they rarely have dinners like they used to, just Kurt, Adam and Blaine but Blaine is often invited when Rachel sets up reunion dinners and insists on karaoke nights at bars across town. Blaine feels comforted by the crowd of friends and he can chat and laugh with his fellow glee clubbers without feeling the need to constantly talk to Adam and Kurt who seem happy to stay together. Kurt and Adam touch and laugh as if they were joined constantly and it pains Blaine to spend a lot of time with them together. He has got used to the sight, has resigned himself to finding love in different ways. He still sees his friends, Beth now a constant light in his darkening world and he loves to sing, finding it opening a world of friends and opportunities. He plays in more and more places, becoming a regular on many guest lists and it is always an opportunity to sell his EP, sales of which are going well. He is yet to be signed to a recording company but he loves what he gets the chance to do and he starts to write his own songs, which he finds more therapeutic than he thought possible.

One such karaoke night organised by Rachel, Blaine gets up to sing and everyone is dancing madly, Adam and Kurt linked together, arms over shoulders and chests touching, and Blaine just sings, always a way to centre himself again. No one seems to notice what he sings until the beat gets slower and the version they are used to is acoustic now instead of a dance number.

It's a big black sky over my town

I know where you at, I bet he's around

Yeah, I know it's stupid, I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss him, oh

I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh

I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh

I keep dancing on my own

I'm just gonna dance all night

I'm all messed up, I'm so outta line

Stilettos on broken bottles

I'm spinning around in circles

The dance turns slow and sensual, Adam and Kurt still linked but Blaine notices Kurt suddenly looks at him as his eyes are locked on the couple. Kurt can be seen over Adam's shoulder and he stays in that position to watch Blaine sing, seemingly mesmerised by his beauty and how he shines despite the sad song. Kurt notices Blaine's clarity and his sadness, knows that he means what he sings and knows that Blaine is lonely but he never links the song with his own situation. He is only left with a sense that he can never say what is on his mind, can never voice his worry to Blaine. He knows his heartache but never understands its cause.

So far away but still so near

The lights go on, the music dies

But you don't see me standing here

I just came to say goodbye

As the song finishes Blaine smiles at Kurt and leaves the little stage, preparing to give his microphone to the next karaoke queen.

xxx

Blaine and Kurt see each other so infrequently now that it is with surprise that Blaine receives a message one afternoon, asking if Kurt could see him tonight. After Blaine replies that he is singing at a bar later, Kurt asks if he could come too, maybe have a chance to chat afterwards. Blaine is instantly nervous at the thought, knowing he hasn't seen Kurt on his own since his wedding and already sensing that something is wrong and that he needs someone to talk to.

Blaine sits at the piano later that evening, still awaiting Kurt's entrance and singing one of his favourite songs to the people gathered there.

Holding on tightly, just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role, slowly disappear, oh

But all these days, they feel like they're the same

Just different faces, different names, get me out of here

But I can't stand by your side, oh no

And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me'

Cause I'm just trying to be happy, oh, happy, oh

So any turns that I can't see

Like I'm a stranger on this road

But don't say victim, don't say anything

Kurt has come into the bar amidst the piano playing and the heartfelt song and he watches Blaine without him realising he is being watched. He looks so complete there that Kurt just knows this is what he was meant to do and Kurt is happy Blaine has at least that. He has never told Blaine how he worries for him, that he works too hard and doesn't know how to play, he never tells Blaine that he wants his freedom or that he misses his friendship. He's been watching for so long that he is surprised when Blaine suddenly looks at him, his brown eyes warm in the glow of the bar and he smiles, as if he was just waiting for Kurt to arrive for the party to get started. Kurt misses that warmth, misses that friendly love. As Blaine finishes the song he was playing, he excuses himself from the piano saying he's going to have a quick break and he hugs Kurt warmly in greeting as he approaches his table. As he parts from Kurt, he sees the resolve breaking on his face and he gestures for him to sit down as someone sets two new drinks on their table – another perk of working at regular bars. He waits patiently for Kurt to speak, but he seems unable to break the spell of the place they find themselves so they sit in silence for a while. Kurt looks around at the group of people gathered at the bar and makes a comment about Blaine finding his talent and his place and smiling in envy. Blaine doesn't know what's happened but he can't bear the thought that Kurt doesn't realise his own magic when he sings on stage.

"Kurt what's wrong?" He gently touches his hand which instantly causes tears to appear in Kurt's eyes at the nicest gesture he has received in quite a while.

"I don't really know where to start Blaine," he says quietly, "Do you sometimes find it all just slipping away and you desperately try to catch it but it slides out of your grip?"

"What does?" Blaine asks, confused.

"Life, love, what you thought it would be..."

Blaine doesn't understand but he's never seen Kurt so low and doesn't know how to handle it.

"Tell me what's wrong Kurt."

"I had an argument with Adam," he says simply and Blaine experiences what feels like lead stones sink in his stomach. The day he has wished for has finally arrived he starts to think, then he instantly berates himself. The look on Kurt's face is enough to show him he is devastated at this argument, that he hates this situation and Blaine never wants Kurt to feel like that. He indicates for Kurt to continue, to explain.

"It's been hard for a while. I've started a new run of a show off Broadway and Adam had work as an assistant stage director but the show stopped after a while and he never found work afterwards. He's been looking and doing what he can but he hates it. I know he hates watching me perform when I can get him a free ticket, know he hates that I can make my living this way and he shouted at me today when I suggested it. He never wanted to be jealous but he is and doesn't admit it. He hates that I earn more than him and that he sits around all day looking but never finding. We argue over stupid things, like the washing and the cleaning and I get so tired from work that I probably expect too much from him. I just never thought married life was this hard." Kurt has finished his rambling and Blaine pauses before he speaks. He could say that maybe he should consider his life without Adam, give up on what was supposed to be wedded bliss, take him instead but he knows that is wrong and he says what he should say, what he knows is right.

"You fight for what you love though Kurt," Blaine says, removing his hand from Kurt's, his posture reflecting his sensible and correct advice. "If you love someone you do anything for them. Adam obviously wants what you have, thought it would be easier for him than it is. It must be hard for him to watch you be successful when he knows that he can't help with the home you two have created together."

Kurt never wanted Blaine to side with Adam but as soon as he speaks he knows Blaine is right and instantly regrets running away and leaving Adam in their apartment alone. They would normally speak about things that were bothering them and would never let things get to this level. He sees Blaine, kindly sitting there, giving his advice and wonders what he did to deserve such a good friend.

"I never thought you'd be one to give me relationship advice," Kurt chuckles and Blaine is hurt.

"You can come to me with anything Kurt, always."

"I know Blaine, thanks."

There is an awkward silence as they look around the bar and Kurt can't not say it anymore, it's always on the tip of his tongue, always at the back of his mind when he sees Blaine.

"Why aren't you in a relationship Blaine? I never did get why you're still available, surely people must be lining up." He laughs but he is sincere. Blaine shrugs, never knows what to say when his mum asks the same question, when friends try to set him up.

"I guess I never find the right guy. I look, I date but there's been no one and I found I don't really miss it." Blaine shrugs again and tries to appear nonchalant.

"What do you look for in a guy?" It is on the tip of Blaine's tongue to say everything that is encompassed in Kurt but he doesn't.

"Compassion, blue eyes, carefully styled outfits and drive and talent." Kurt swallows.

"That is very specific," he said laughing nervously.

"I guess that's why I'm still alone," Blaine joins with the laugh and they start to catch up on news and work. Kurt describes his new role and when it started, suggesting Blaine come to see him soon. Blaine describes his work now and Kurt notices how his smile spreads across his face to show the love and wonder in the way his career has started. They laugh and joke and Kurt remembers he has Adam at home and that he hasn't had one thought of how messed up his relationship is as he's been speaking to Blaine. He knows he's missed this, knows he needed this all along and he can go back to Adam and apologise and try to see it from his point of view. He thanks Blaine and hugs him goodbye so that Blaine is left there, contemplating going back to the piano to sing away the image of his best friend and the love of his life, going back to the man he never wanted him to marry.

In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I remember the time a girl from our glee club sang 'Without You' for an assignment and I looked over at him, sitting next to me in one of his warm cosy hats and fabulously daring outfit and I simply knew. I knew I always wanted to sit next to him, always needed him there. I kissed him on the cheek and he smiled at me and I felt the butterflies just like the first time I saw him descend those stairs at Dalton.

Our life together is full of amazing memories like that, when he sang to me or when I sang to him, when he bought me a gift that meant more to me than anything I could ever buy with money. He loved me for me and we would have the longest chats about anything. He is perfect to have a gossipy chat about actresses and singers with, knowing all the online gossip before anyone else but I don't know anyone else that works as hard as he does for other people. He always makes sure his friends are ok, will always defend and love truly. I think what I miss the most is that as a result of his marriage I see him less and hardly ever on his own. It is true what they say – when your best friend finds the love of their life, the best friend soon goes and has to take a back seat.

Perhaps we were always too close for that, too close to just be friends and to be satisfied with that. I can see him happy, I can recognise that that is good and I want him to have every joy in life, I really do. Maybe we can't be everything to each other now that is all.

Writing all these blogs has been the most torturous pleasure I could ever experience but it has helped to re-evaluate my life and what's important. It has made me think of my decisions and mistakes, the paths I have chosen, the lives I have ruined, including my own. I have trawled through memories, photos, presents and songs – remembering the perfect and the imperfect, crying and smiling and the writing has helped. I have counted so many blogs I have written that I doubt anyone is reading this but my favourite memory is to come I think and I can only relay it as I finish.

I think as much as the blog has been helpful I need it to end now. I hope he will always be in my life, I hope I will always be able to call him a friend and at times he may need me more or I may need to rely on his friendship but that is what best friends do. I think the writing has suited its purpose for now. It has helped me relive our life together and I think I may have forgiven myself for what I did but I know if I carry on writing that thin veil will disappear and I will only sink.

My last memory is my favourite and one that I will take to my grave as the most beautiful thing that ever happened in my life. It was always our favourite love song, always what we planned to sing at our wedding together but the first time we watched the movie together, we had assembled on his bed, a collection of popcorn and diet sodas on a tray, alongside other musical movies for later. As we watched, he had his back to the headboard on the bed as I lay on his chest my fingers marking circular patterns on his warm skin under his shirt. We were mesmerised as we watched, despite the fact that we had watched the film separately before. As the music changed as the movie continued, he squeezed me closer, like I know he does when he feels particularly emotional.

"We should sing that at our wedding," he whispered into my curly hair and the thought of that glorious day happening, made my breath hitch and a smile dawn on my face. I remember thinking we had our whole lives ahead of us and that it was a definite event that was clear in our future. Oh how wrong I was.

He sat up and paused the movie, reaching to skim over his iPod to select the song and place it on the dock. He looked at me from his position on the bed, kneeling and smiling so warmly as the music started. Without batting an eyelid I started singing the Christian part and I could see his eyes wander around the room, imagining where everything would go, how we could assemble the elephant for our own wedding and sing to each other in front of our guests. He looked so blissfully happy as images and thoughts flitted across his mind, I promised myself I would do anything to make those thoughts happen, to make it a reality.

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

As I continued to sing he rose from the bed and wandered around his room, turning his back.

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

As he started to sing his part he turned to face me and I know I have never seen anything more beautiful. We were wearing normal clothes but in that moment I could already imagine what he would be wearing on our wedding day, a simple tux with a bowtie and he would take my breath away. He came closer and we started to dance just as we planned our first dance, close and together.

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

But he parted from me and I sang the next part to him, desperate to be close again, desperate to touch and know him. I knew then that I would do anything for him.

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather,
And stars may collide

He looked at me, knowing the truth and he smiled. He knew we were forever and this song was perfect. There was no sadness, no infidelity, just love.

But I love you (I love you)
Until the end of time(until the end of time)

Come what may
Come what may

And we came closer again, like he knew that I had been punished enough and he slipped his hand around my waist and held me close as the song finished.

I will love you, I will love you

xxx

It is a couple of years later, after only a few meet ups between Blaine and Kurt, that Blaine gets a call. His name appears on the screen as it rings but Blaine has to do a second check before he believes the choked sob coming from the receiver is him.

"Kurt? What's wrong?"

There isn't an answer straight away and Blaine begins to panic thinking something has happened, that he is somehow hurt and alone. He holds the phone still to his ear as he starts to put his shoes and coat on, prepared in an instant to find him, to check he's ok, to comfort him.

"Blaine, can I come over? I need a place to stay and you were the only person I could think of, please let me stay," Kurt pleads as a fresh sob takes over.

"Of course you can Kurt, of course you can," Blaine assures him, "But what's wrong? Are you hurt? Tell me what's wrong?"