Kurt's stint on Broadway continues to go well and Blaine reads the reviews avidly, texting Kurt when he reads a particularly worthy entry and reminding him of how amazing he is. No actual plans are made to meet before the wedding but Blaine knows Kurt must be crazy busy with his show and the final touches to his wedding plans, so it is only on the day of the wedding, as Kurt walks up the aisle that he sees his best friend again.

Will, by this time, is no longer on the scene, and Blaine's 'plus one' is the only person he would consider taking along to such an event – Beth. She is there by his side, not saying half the things that flit through her mind when Blaine hugs Burt when he arrives at the hall or when he shakes Adam's hand to ease his nerves. Beth understands without saying and Blaine is thankful.

Burt looks apprehensive but hugely proud as he awaits Kurt's entrance and Blaine feels nervous for Adam who is stood there waiting patiently. He has the biggest grin on his face, no idea what is going through Blaine's mind as he waits for the love of his life to walk towards another man.

Such a collection of images and memories flow through Blaine's mind completely unbidden and unhelpful as he waits. He sees Kurt descend the stairs at Dalton for the first time, his smile light and eyes twinkling. He remembers Kurt's whispered discussion about their future – the times they were to have together – children, the lighthouse and artist colony, his sexy smile that is only reserved for Blaine when Kurt knows he's being cheeky and flirty. Blaine looks at Adam, nervous but almost bubbling with joy at the thought of what is going to happen today and he realises that Adam may get Kurt today, may have the chance to take Kurt's name and his life but Blaine has these memories, has the images and no one can take those away. Suddenly the music starts and Blaine is extremely grateful that it isn't Come What May – the song both Blaine and Kurt loved and hoped to sing to each other on their wedding day one day. A small group of Kurt's friends are singing 'Can't Help Falling in Love' as Kurt walks down the aisle that has been fashioned in the hall they now stand in and Blaine feels his breath hitch at the sight of him.

Kurt practically glows with happiness and the light that surrounds him from the magnificent window behind him gives him such an ethereal quality, Blaine forgets to breathe. He looks so happy as he continues to walk towards Adam, his eyes on him and him alone, that Blaine knows despite the pain, despite his heart breaking in his chest, he knows that Kurt is finally content, finally happy and if there is only enough happiness in the world for Kurt or Blaine, he is glad that Kurt can have the greater share. He finds tears spring to his eyes and so wishes that he has the chance sometime today to tell Kurt how beautiful he is, how he wishes only the best for him now. Beth seems to realise the internal struggle that is going on inside Blaine and as she continues to stare at Kurt as he gets closer to Adam, she squeezes Blaine's arm as her fingers link with his.

Kurt arrives at the head of the hall and turns to face his dad and he beams and just for a second his eyes grace Blaine's and his smile falters slightly. Blaine smiles, tries to intimate how happy he is for Kurt, how he only wishes him the best but Kurt's eyes fill with tears and he turns to face Adam and they link hands as the ceremony starts. The registrar explains the importance of marriage, of celebrating love between two people and Blaine is left wondering whether this will ever happen to him. As Kurt and Adam say their vows and exchange their rings, Blaine knows he will never feel as complete as he does with Kurt, will never know a love like that again and as they kiss, he realises the fact that he had that once, that he knows how it feels to kiss those lips, to touch his skin. He is one of the lucky ones – he knew love's perfection and can still remember how it felt to be cherished in return. That is more than some receive in a lifetime. He will have to be satisfied with that.

The ceremony continues and they are soon ushering the two grooms outside for photos and confetti. Kurt beams and Adam seems to be fiercely holding Kurt's hand as they leave together, perhaps under the impression that he might not belong to him, that he might vanish. The guests gather together soon afterwards for drinks and nibbles, awaiting the meal and the speeches.

Blaine feels rushed along the line of people, as Adam and Kurt await their guests and shake hands and hug those people they love. As Kurt sees Blaine face-to-face and takes his hand, Blaine smiles and whispers congratulations, the only thing his voice allows him to say. Kurt seems to understand and his eyes cloud with sadness and he hugs him warmly, far too tightly for someone who just married someone else but as they part Kurt assures Blaine he will speak to him later.

The meal is delicious and has clearly been planned meticulously to include all tastes. The decorations reflect Kurt's love of flair and beauty but are tasteful and muted. Burt speaks formally to the gathering and only once looks at Blaine, as if he wished for something to be different. Only Blaine seems to notice as he carries on talking about his son's achievements and how proud he is of Kurt and his life with Adam. Blaine wonders if his speech would have been any different if it was Blaine sitting there.

He looks around the room, familiar faces of glee club members smiling warmly in Burt's direction, Kurt's college friends, Adam's family amidst Kurt's extended family and a group of Broadway actors in one corner – such a gathering of wonderfully amazing people, all here to celebrate this love. Blaine knows it should be his family and friends here too, knows that something is missing from this occasion and only feels bile rise in his throat as the jealously threatens to overwhelm him. Beth simply places her hand on his knee and smiles, knowing how he feels and instantly calming him.

The dancing is soon started, the romantic first dance completely missed by Blaine, who stands on the balcony watching the world carry on beneath him. Hours seem to pass as he stands there, nothing really missed and the curtain behind him protecting him from view. After a while, a tentative hand moves the red curtain aside and Blaine is joined by someone who should be enjoying the attention and preparing to cut his cake.

"Kurt," Blaine whispers as he feels his presence next to him, warm from dancing.

"I missed you; I knew you'd be hiding." Kurt smiles next to him, leans into him, resting his arm on Blaine's. Blaine tries to return the smile but it doesn't reach his eyes and Kurt knows.

"I'm glad you came Blaine," Kurt continues, looking down at the people walking the streets of New York below them, "I thought you might have left for your friend's wedding."

"I didn't want to miss this Kurt," he says not missing a beat, "My friend will understand."

Kurt only nods, knowing full well there never was a friend's wedding but hoping that Blaine would have been his best man regardless.

"I never did fill the best man spot you know," Kurt says, looking at him with such warm eyes that Blaine wants to cry at his sincerity. Blaine can only nod in appreciation.

"I'm surprised you didn't sing 'Come What May' – you always wanted that as your wedding song," Blaine says, smiling to indicate there are no hard feelings. Kurt seems almost hurt at the idea and turns his face.

"I could never do that Blaine," he says, giving no explanation and Blaine presses no further.

After a while he says what he came to say and hopes Kurt will understand the full meaning.

"You look beautiful today Kurt and so happy, I'm glad you've found your soul mate, I'm glad you have this."

Kurt looks at him carefully and Blaine holds the stare, knowing that Kurt is searching for something but he doesn't find it. Only sincerity is evident in Blaine's eyes. Kurt smiles when he realises and wants to say something like he hopes Blaine will have this too, that he'll know love but maybe its patronising and too much and so Kurt only smiles.

xXx

Blaine leaves soon after and although he only drinks one glass of champagne at the wedding, he instantly opens a bottle of red wine when he enters his apartment and starts his computer. Knowing that sleep is hours away and some things just need to be written now, he starts his blog again and is silently thankful that Beth understood enough to leave him be. She looked sadly at him as she kissed him on the cheek goodbye and promised to meet him for coffee in a few days. Blaine knew she was the best of friends and in the ever changing world around him, he needed at least one of those.

Blaine carries on writing all night, only stopping to make coffee and gather a blanket around his shoulders when he gets cold. The night gets ever darker until it suddenly starts to dawn, a grey blue cloud looming ever higher as the sun rises. Blaine crawls into bed as some people start to get dressed for work and he lets himself cry, tucked under the covers where no one can see him and no one can help him.

xXx

Kurt and Adam don't manage to take a honeymoon after the wedding due to the crazy schedule they have for work but they agree to take a vacation at the end of the run. They are merely allowed one weekend to celebrate their wedding and they make the most of the break with trips to cafes for brunch and lazy days around the apartment dressed only in their underwear. They watch movies, curl into each other and make love until they are sated and they start all over again with food and movies. Come Monday morning, Kurt finds himself logging onto Facebook to check any photos his friends may have put online of their wedding and to check messages. His inbox is flooded with congratulations and Kurt replies and sets his status as married. He smiles at the photos people have taken when his eyes alight on a blog post someone has shared on their wall.

This acquaintance from college had merely shared the post with a simple comment: 'This is heartbreaking to read – don't know who he is but this is soooo sad. Warnings for tears '

Kurt doesn't know what compels him to read the blog post, merely titled 'In My Life' but he reads anyway, despite the warning.

In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I suppose today is the worst of all days – the day I saw the love of my life walk towards the man he will spend the rest of his life with, the man he has chosen to marry. I always believed we would find our way back to each other, that we had some kind of invisible cord that tied us together, impossible to break, impossible to ignore but that appears to be a foolish idea of mine. I know he is unattainable now, there is no hope and I watched as he disappeared away from me, getting closer and closer to the man that was now the luckiest guy on earth.

I feel strangely empty now, like everything is over and no amount of wine or chocolate will help ease the pain, though I'm sure to try. It is done, there is no going back, there is no stopping the wedding, it is complete. I did have a crazy idea this morning, as I got dressed in my suit and bow tie, what if I interrupted the proceedings, what if I said no – he couldn't marry him because I love him, because we belong together. I could imagine his pitying face, how he would take me gently aside to let me down, to explain that he was no longer mine and that perhaps it would be best if we didn't see each other again. I couldn't do it, I couldn't face the possibility of not having him in my life, so I let him make the worst decision of his life, I let him slip away.

I know he is happy, I know he feels complete and it was the perfect day. I know that life carries on, I know my dreams in other areas of my life can and will come true but it was always comforting to know that there was a possibility of our ending together, just like we began and I could always hope. Now there is nothing. No hope, no love, only misery and heartache and I am here while he is there.

Kurt doesn't want to read anymore, tears welling in his eyes for this stranger, for this man that had to watch the love of his life get married to someone else. The idea that someone is sad over a wedding when he just celebrated his love with Adam seems so alien to Kurt that he decides to log off facebook and go back to Adam, go back to his warm arms. It is only when he is tucked around Adam, resting on his chest, watching daytime television before he has to return to work later, that he remembers the man on the blog and silently wishes for him to find his true love again, somehow, somewhere.

xXx

In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I know I broke him that day, I know that I caused the heartache. I felt him slipping away when I had thought we were so solid and together. I was lonely and I knew that he was living the life he always wanted, busy and in demand. I had moved schools for him, shown him I loved him in so many ways and ironically I had pushed him to follow his dreams, go to New York, live the life he was born to live. I knew he was stifled in our home town, knew he was just waiting and it killed me to see him stuck and not living his real life. I pushed him to go, wanted him to live his life and I foolishly believed in all the promises we had made each other of long distance and communication.

I struggled. It wasn't the place I truly belonged, not without him. I felt like I was always waiting for his return, for his call or his face to appear on my laptop. I lived for his messages and calls, only wanted to relay information about my day, hear about his life in New York. Without him I truly was nothing and I had been with him for so long, I didn't know how to be on my own.

I know I didn't cope well. I was barely breathing, just a shell of what I wanted to be and I stupidly began to convince myself he didn't care, that he was having fun without me. I remember thinking that the moment someone friended me on facebook, someone that I only vaguely knew through another friend, that I was liked for me, not because I was with him. I thought perhaps I could make other friends, feel less lonely but as I met Eli that evening, I knew I was slipping away. I didn't want to be alone, didn't want to feel the ache anymore. I needed to be needed. I had convinced myself that maybe he wasn't my all, that we weren't meant to be but as soon as I did it, as soon as it happened I realised. He was my everything and I had blown it.

I knew I had to see him, I couldn't let him slip away from me but as I sang Teenage Dream at Callbacks the piano bar and watched his face fall, I realised he would ask, I knew he would wonder why I was so sad. We walked alongside the park and there were awkward moments where there had been none before. He asked his questions, wondered at my emotional song, clearly worried about me and I had to say it, felt it rise in my chest and come out and I couldn't take it back.

"I was with someone."

His instant sadness, his eyes filling with tears, I knew I had crushed him, knew I had broken his heart and as he walked away, covering his mouth to stifle his sobs, I realised I would lose everything, his friendship, his beauty, his love and it would mean the end. I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

It is only as I look at the photograph I took of him as he walked down the aisle where I managed to capture both his beauty and his love, I realise he truly is lost to me.

"And I look high and low for yesterday
High and low for you and I
High and low"