In My Life

A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I love performing - I know I can be a bit insufferable when I perform and I perhaps don't choose the best moments but one of the reasons I suddenly noticed the shift in him was when I performed Misery by Maroon 5 in preparation for our regionals. He joined in, his performance effortless and no one would notice anything different but I did. He looked like he'd seen all this before, looked like he knew the outcome and as he explained afterwards how he felt like one of Gladys Knight's pips, I realised I had never seen this in him before. He admitted his jealousy but as I stood there watching his retreating figure, I realised he was right – I had gone on as the lead soloist for too long. I had felt I was doing my duty following our esteemed council but really I loved the praise and the power. He made me see how much I was shining and blocking everyone else, just like the cause of a shadow.

We were arguing about something or other in the council room when it happened. He came in, banging the door open and wearing the most amazing black outfit with chain detail and a fierce brooch. I could tell instantly something was wrong, his face a mess of streaky tears and his body rigid with pain. As he told of Pavarotti the canary's death , how he had felt like he had lost a friend, my heart went out to him and I knew he was remembering the last time he had to deal with death – his mother, then his dad in a coma after a heart attack. I felt helpless, like nothing I could do would help so I sat back and watched him sing for Pavarotti.

He sang Blackbird and the Warblers soon joined in the background, showing our support in the only way we knew how. It was as he started to walk around the table, I realised he wasn't showing off his talent, wasn't demanding attention, he merely wanted to sing for his friend and I could see his blue eyes swim with tears, see the sadness so obvious on his face and I knew. I knew he was the love of my life.

Perhaps this needs more of an explanation but I can't describe it any better than that. I just knew I had been looking for him forever, just knew he had been there all along and I had been blinded by friendship, led to believe that we were so good together, so close that anything else would ruin it. I watched him stand there and sing, share with the world his feelings and knew that I would love him forever.

As we decided what to do for regionals I knew the best chance I had to spend more time with him, to sing with him and possibly share my own feelings with him, was to suggest he sing with me. The look on his face as I insisted on a vote, the shy smile he gave, the utter disbelief that he would be singing for a competition, was amazing to watch and so beautiful. The happiness I felt in giving that to him was the best feeling and I knew I would do anything to keep that smile on his face.

As I approached him in one of the common rooms where he was creating some kind of coffin for Pavarotti, he looked up and smiled and I almost lost my resolve. I couldn't do what I had prepared, couldn't sing with him after all but as I discussed our song choice, and he praised me for choosing a song that wasn't in the top 40, I sat and took a deep breath. I thought maybe I could just sing with him, reminded myself that he was my best friend, nothing could change that but he looked at me so innocently as he asked why I had chosen to sing with him.

How could I answer that question? I had rehearsed things to say the night before, had whole speeches prepared but actually what came out was the truth. As he watched me with wide blue eyes, so beautiful and deep, I told him how I had been looking for him forever, how he moved me and suddenly I found myself leaning forward, wanting so much to simply press my lips against his and show him how much he meant to me. He gently gasped as his mind caught up with his body and his hand found my cheek. It was heaven and although it wasn't my first kiss, it was my first kiss that really counted.

We couldn't concentrate on rehearsal after that, our lips constantly finding their way back to each other and I didn't care that we didn't win regionals. For once in my life I felt complete and he was there, right where he belonged.

I have written for so long, been so lost in my past life that I have only just noticed the sun has set and only the lights of my computer glow in the room now. I feel strangely detached from my real life and as this blog post comes to an end I realise I just want to go back there, stay there, never come back to reality – cold and hard and so lonely.

For there was love, wholeness and perfect, perfect bliss and now there is nothing.

xXx

To: Blaine [13:02]

Blaine! I miss you! Can I come to see you sing tonight?!

Blaine saw the message before he saw who it was from, as it popped up on his phone screen and for a moment a whisper of hope crossed his mind thinking it was Kurt but it was one of his oldest friends, in fact the first friend he had made in his freshman year of college: Beth.

They had fallen into a fit of giggles as their lecturer had come in late one morning, carrying his briefcase and opening it to reveal a pineapple. Other students had looked on thinking he had gone bonkers but Blaine merely turned to the first person he laid eyes on and their mutual love of the strange and quirky made them firm friends. A conversation started as they discussed what unique fruit might come out of his briefcase next time they had him for a seminar on acting and when he might start to use these props and they decided to get a coffee.

Beth had been a god-send really, Blaine soon realising that he had no one in New York except Kurt, who was then starting his second year and very much together with Adam. Blaine had realised that again he had relied too much on Kurt's friendship and didn't want to sink again into depression. If he was to make a success of his life here in New York he would need to make friends. He knew from experience with Tina that he needed to make it very clear from the start with Beth that he was indeed gay but without assuming she was interested in more than friendship. He mentioned Kurt into the conversation quite early on during their first coffee date and Beth laughed.

"Aww shucks," she said, moving her arm in an exaggerated sideways pose as if she was a cowgirl, "All the cute ones are always gay." She laughed again and Blaine couldn't help but laugh too, it was infectious.

He spent a lot of time with Beth, giggling and commenting on other students in acting class and she helped Blaine not take himself too seriously. She seemed to always be positive and Blaine envied her carefree attitude to life but also knew she worked hard to keep it that way. She had been knocked a few times, her mother an alcoholic and her dad leaving her family when she was young, she had had to fight for her place at NYADA as she was brought up by her grandparents. She knew life was fragile but also never wanted to waste an opportunity and knew that nothing would be handed to her. Seeing her mum sink lower had made her aware of how easy it is to slip under and not be cared for and she was determined for everyone in her life to know how loved and appreciated they were. Blaine knew he was lucky to have her as a friend.

Blaine hadn't seen Kurt for a while now, his texts less frequent and when he did message it was to apologise for being unavailable due to work pressures or continued planning for his wedding. Blaine didn't want to push him, he knew that Kurt would need him in his life one day but perhaps needed more space at the moment. Blaine's disappointment that the message wasn't from Kurt didn't last long as he realised he'd get to see Beth tonight and he replied with the details of his gig and how he was looking forward to seeing her again.

Blaine had been getting more successful as his contacts grew in number. There were often last minute calls for Blaine to fill in a spot at a bar or club where someone had bailed and Blaine was eager to impress and always prepared. He loved performing, loved singing to anyone that would listen, so to be paid for this privilege was always going to feel amazing. He was a good people pleaser, always knew the current songs or trends and enjoyed mixing it up with covers of old classics or versions sung in completely new ways. Tonight's crowd was no exception as he tinkled on the piano in the corner of the bar and sang.

But after a while, people spent less time looking at him singing and more time drinking and talking with their friends and Blaine realised he had the piano and the music all to himself. He started playing a song that had been around in his head for days and he knew that the only way he would be rid of its presence was to sing it now, release it into the wild.

If I walk down this hallway tonight it's too quiet

So I pad through the dark and call you on the phone

Push your old numbers and let your house ring

'Til I wake your ghost

He always felt a little haunted by Kurt, always reaching out but never quite there, never quite good enough.

Let him walk down your hallway

It's not this quiet

Slide down your receiver, sprint across the wire

Follow my number and slide into my hand

It's the blaze across your nightgown

It's the phone's ring

I think last night; you were driving circles around me

I can't drink this coffee 'til I put you in my closet

Let him shoot me down and let him call me off

Take it from his whisper; you're not that tough

It's the blaze across your nightgown

It's the phone's ring

I think last night; you were driving circles around me

Kurt seemed to waft around him whenever he smelt his cologne on someone else, heard a song that they used to sing together or when he thought he saw the back of his head along the busy streets of New York.

He didn't notice the room had gone quieter, the busy bustle of chatting people at the bar had stopped and he looked up as the song finished to see the wide eyes of Beth watching him from near the back of the bar. People had stopped to stare as he finished, wondering what was going on inside his mind, the melancholy sound almost putting them off their fun-spirited drinks and Beth had never heard Blaine use his lower register in such a deep way before. Blaine soon excused himself for a drink, saying he'll be back on after a break.

Wandering over to meet him halfway, Beth indicated getting him a drink as she led him to the bar. As they stood there, Beth leant on the bar and Blaine mimicked her pose, resting the side of his arm alongside hers.

"So that was deep," Beth began as she looked at Blaine sideways, "You ok?"

"Yeah," Blaine said shrugging, "I'm fine, it was just a song that kept going round my head, I thought I'd better sing it."

"Oh Blaine," she said, looking right at him, her eyes wide with concern, really searching his face and making him feel transparent and exposed. He didn't know what to say, he never could hide anything from Beth.

They wandered over to the side of the bar with their drinks, propped themselves on the side rail and Blaine sighed.

"So what's been going on then? I haven't seen you in a few weeks and now you seem as low as when you first heard Kurt was getting engaged."

Blaine didn't quite know what it was, why he kept going round in circles but here he was again and he never really shook himself of the feeling that life was just going to like this. Maybe he'd take pleasure in a few things in life, make dreams his goal but life would always come down to Kurt. He found the nearest stool and sat defeated until Beth found another stool and sat beside him.

"Again?" she asked, unbelieving and worried, "Why do you keep doing this to yourself Blaine? Have you seen him recently?"

"Not since that dinner after Christmas, he's sent texts but we've both been busy and..."

"Well weddings can be quite stressful and I know he's got a new part now so will you see him on Broadway when it opens?"

"Of course!" Blaine exclaimed as if she was stupid.

"And the wedding?" she asked more timidly already aware it was a touchy subject.

"I don't know..."

"Blaine, you should go," she said as he looked at her dubiously, "He's your best friend right? That's what best friends do."

"But not ex-boyfriends Beth and I can't see him up there saying those vows, walking down the aisle, telling Adam how much he loves him? It'll break my heart."

Beth didn't have the words, knew it was shitty and in the end all she could do was stroke his arm as if she could remove all the heartache all by herself.

"I've been writing a blog..." Blaine started, unsure how it would sound out loud.

"A blog?"

"Yeah to explain how I feel, tell stories I shared with Kurt, just reminiscing and explaining really but it helps." Blaine wanted to make it less of a deal, already wanted to shrink away but Beth fought for him and he could see himself being pulled back.

"That's great Blaine but it doesn't compensate for real conversation, real people. You need to make sure you see your friends, meet new people, maybe go out on a few dates? I mean it's been over five years..." It had always been a touchy subject and Blaine thought to the many excuses he had made over the years. Had it really been that long?

"Ok," he said simply and Beth opened her eyes wide, causing her lashes to fan around her eyes beautifully.

"Ok? You never say ok, I've suggested it loads of times."

"I know but five years is a long time and Kurt has clearly got over me and I need to make a decision, make a life. I know no one will ever be my Kurt but the odds are I'll find my close second somewhere."

"Close second?" Beth laughed, "You make it sound so romantic, don't let them know that."

"Of course," Blaine laughed too but maybe this was going to be his year and things would start to look better as winter turned to spring.

xXx

And Blaine did date, in fact by the time he received an invitation for Kurt's opening performance of his new production, Blaine had already organised his 'plus one' and felt better about moving on. It was never through lack of opportunity but he found himself working hard, waiting for Kurt, being a friend. It was only as night turned to day that he really missed having someone close, someone to love and love him in return. He would look in the mirror, now eyes surrounded by purpling bags and wonder what anyone would find attractive in him, a mere hollow of a man but it was almost like his body craved that intimacy again, not because he was horny but just that weight of someone else, just that touch, that look – love was what he missed and the knowledge that he may never have that again, hurt afresh.

Will was nice enough, picked Blaine up like a true gentleman and talked animatedly about the show they were seeing tonight. He knew that the second lead was Blaine's friend, was asking about all the Broadway gossip which Blaine knew nothing about and seemed a genuinely nice guy as they ate an early dinner before the show.

Blaine looked over him as he opened the door for him, realised Will was just the guy he needed, optimistic and eager, happy and positive and Blaine wanted to drink him in, see how far this could go but he knew he didn't quite fit, like a tight jumper that you so desperately want to try on and wear.

Blaine barely registered Will next to him as he watched Kurt's performance. He took his breath away in all the right places and Blaine looked around at the audience, noticing their similar reactions. He had known he was in the presence of a star all along but perhaps everyone else would find out now too.

Kurt seemed to come alive on stage, like he was born to perform and Blaine knew he had worked hard with this part, some of the acting not coming as naturally as other parts. He knew Kurt would rehearse until his feet were tired and his bones ached but he was so proud to see his best friend up there, he almost forgot Adam and as he rushed backstage with his bouquet of flowers to congratulate the new star, he nearly bumped into Adam who was working on the scenery.

"Blaine!" Adam said nicely, shaking his hand, "Glad you could come, what did you think?"

"You were the stage director?"

"Assistant stage director, but I meant Kurt, he was amazing right?"

"Of course," Blaine gushed and someone left Kurt's side to reveal the star himself sitting in his dressing room chair, his table surrounded with flowers. Blaine timidly handed his small bunch of blue irises to Kurt who beamed.

"You came," he whispered and Blaine thought he could see his eyes twinkle.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," he said and he kissed him on the cheek as a way of congratulating him. Kurt blinked then the people around him started to appear in his eye line again and he smiled at the new guy he saw hovering by the door. He raised an eyebrow to Blaine who suddenly remembered his date.

"Oh Kurt, yeah, this is Will," he said as Will stepped forward and Kurt extended his hand which Will took eagerly.

"Such an honour – you were fantastic," he gushed and Kurt smiled at Blaine, already joking with his eyes that Blaine should keep this one. They decided they should meet up before the wedding and as Blaine and Will left, Kurt realised that Blaine hadn't dated in a very long time. Perhaps he was only now free, after all his time at college and with his music but Kurt couldn't explain that uneasy feeling in his stomach as he watched Blaine's retreating back in his dark and fitted suit.