Chapter 8

Kurt returned to normality – work, coffees with Rachel, discussion of Broadway and NYADA chat rooms but as Paris fashion week approached, he found himself deliberately spending less time with Blaine in order to get himself prepared for what was going to be a busy week of work.

Isabelle would of course be along the front row for most of the runways but Kurt would be second row, placed behind Isabelle and countless editors and important ladies, namely Anna Wintour and the thought of seeing the back of their heads was just as thrilling to Kurt as the thought of the new outfits. It would of course be work and he would need to memorise everyone's name and learn important information to use in networking drinks and events surrounding the runways but Kurt loved it all. He spent whole evenings learning all he needed off by heart and Dave came home one evening to find Kurt stacked with all the current editions of Vogue and his laptop.

"Still learning?" Dave said as he dropped his briefcase by the door and shrugged his coat off.

"Yeah, it never ends," Kurt said, barely looking up and Dave made him a fresh coffee and kicked off his shoes.

"Fancy a take out?"

"No, need to watch my weight," Kurt said, still reading chat rooms and fashion blogs to get the latest gossip and not looking up.

"Are you ever allowed free time while you're there? I mean will it just be you and Isabelle?" Kurt wondered why Dave was asking but he continued the conversation anyway.

"No, free time is still work. There'll be events, dinner dates and drinks around the runways and I'll be expected to discuss the shows with Vogue investors and VIPs. It'll be intense so I won't get time off but I won't have to stick to Isabelle like glue, although I'll be present wherever she'll be and we'll obviously have separate hotel rooms."

"So I couldn't come?" Dave tried to sound nonchalant but failed. He had been strangely needy as soon as he had said 'I love you' the other night and it had started to irk Kurt whose busy-ness had increased.

"Why would you want to come?" Kurt asked, "I mean it would be boring as hell for you and you wouldn't know anyone."

"I know but it would be nice to spend time with you and I wouldn't mind if it was dull for me, if it was important for you."

"Dave…" Kurt said, almost warning him not to continue, "You know it wouldn't be interesting for you and it's just work. I don't come along to your events."

"I know but you'll be gone a week and my events are dull."

Kurt looked carefully at Dave, not knowing how to continue without causing offence. If he was honest he didn't want him to come, only because he knew he would be bored and he didn't want to have to worry about entertaining and looking after someone else. He still hadn't returned Dave's profession of love and he knew Dave was getting more and more desperate to hear those three words. As soon as Kurt started to think about it, he would panic, trying to think and decide whether he did share those feelings and when or if he should say something. There was never a moment though and he would look at Dave and realise he had no surge of emotion when he looked at him, no moment of realisation. He felt terrible especially after the fuss he had made of future wedding plans. Blaine had been right, he had never thought he loved Dave, never really saw a future with him, couldn't see himself growing old with the guy but together they still remained. Kurt felt like a coward.

The week before fashion week dawned and Kurt spent more and more time at the office preparing himself and others for the week ahead. He knew emails and photo opportunities would increase ten-fold over the week and he would have a mountain of paper work to catch up on in the weeks after the rush but he was looking forward to seeing Paris, even in snapshots.

As he was rushing around the office one morning, sorting out the website and making phone calls for Isabelle as well as assuring travel and hotel arrangements were correct, he got a text from Blaine. They had text a few times over the last week or so but not met up and Blaine had settled into his sort of new, at least to him, apartment. He still felt like he was borrowing it despite the fact that his dad assured him he could have it for as long as he needed but Blaine was desperate to leave it and start in a new place. He had avoided all contact with Sebastian and dreaded to think about what state he would find him in if returned to collect some of his stuff.

To: Kurt [10.05]

Are you still alive?

To: Blaine [10.08]

Only just, been extremely busy with prep for Paris. How you been? New place ok?

To: Kurt [10.09]

Fine thanks, settling in as well as can be expected. Free for a coffee or lunch?

As Kurt thought about it and how much work he still had to do today, another beep came through.

To: Kurt [10.10]

Come on Kurt – you need some kind of break, even just for half an hour and I'm kinda going crazy here in this apartment.

Kurt thought then to Blaine, sitting in his dad's apartment, alone and finding it hard to adjust. Kurt did have a few errands he needed to run so maybe he could grab a quick lunch amidst it all.

To: Blaine [10.12]

Ok, the same place as before?

To: Kurt [10.13]

Yay! Starting to think I'm a needy chick here. 1 o'clock ok?

To: Blaine [10.19]

Yep cu then.

Kurt was being cold and it felt dreadful to be on the receiving end of abrupt and to the point text messages. Blaine could only guess he had offended him somehow, that he was so busy that he couldn't even afford to waste time on text messages but Blaine felt needy and silly as he sat in his borrowed apartment. He knew Kurt had deliberately cut contact slightly, obviously needing space but Blaine had sincerely hoped it was a temporary thing and wouldn't mean they would cease to see each other. Blaine had deliberately avoided friends apart from at the bar since his split from Sebastian and most people he knew worked during the day so he found his days were long and boring. He played music, practiced and wrote a few songs but nothing inspired him and it was becoming difficult to write music when your life was devoid of interest or joy. He realised in those hours how much Kurt had meant to him, even friendship, in the short time he had known him. He had looked forward to seeing Kurt for lunch or coffee and he missed his face when he played in a crowded bar. Kurt hadn't seen him play since he had sung Hang with Me and Blaine missed him, missed the search for those blue piercing eyes amongst so many ordinary people. He knew he had to get out of the house before he met Kurt in three hours so he traipsed to his apartment that he was still paying rent towards that he had shared with Sebastian. He needed to see him again, see how he was getting on and if Sebastian was any closer to moving out or getting enough money together for his own place.

The place was quiet as he entered and he noticed the cleanliness immediately. He had often been the one to clean and tidy as Sebastian slept off a hangover but this time the skirting boards, doors and windows looked spotless. Someone had been doing serious spring cleaning since he had left over a week ago.

He could hear the muffled sound of the television as he entered the living room and he noticed Sebastian curled in a throw on the sofa, practically asleep watching daytime television and he looked up as Blaine entered.

"Blaine," he said eyes wide as he sat up, "You came back." He looked so full of happiness that Blaine almost cringed at the thought that he would have to disappoint him.

"Just to see how things were Seb, see how you were." Sebastian relaxed his shoulders slightly and smiled.

"I'm ok thanks," he said then turned off the television to look at Blaine properly.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Sebastian was touched at Blaine's concern, another reason to be hopeful and he stroked his arm as Blaine sat next to him on the sofa.

"The apartment is really clean," Blaine said.

"Yeah, I've been cleaning a lot recently, it helps me to think." Sebastian shrugged his shoulders in embarrassment, "I'm glad you're here, really glad."

Blaine smiled in encouragement and the thought that he could make this work, that Sebastian could make an effort filled him with a bit of anxiety about the whole situation. He couldn't quite place the reason.

"So how have you been?" Blaine asked again, not wanting to ask the real questions about the drink, about money and jobs.

"I've stopped drinking Blaine," he said smiling, proud of himself, "I've been looking for jobs, I want to get sorted, for you." His smile got wider.

"That's great Seb," he smiled widely in return, "But you should do these things for yourself, not worry about me." Sebastian's smile faltered and he looked down.

"It's not that you shouldn't have a reason," Blaine continued "But you should do this for yourself."

"I know, I am, it's just, you made me realise where I was going wrong. I shouldn't have done what I did," he stuttered on the last phrase, clearly uncomfortable with the thought of his actions, "You do believe that's not who I am, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do Seb, I know it's not you."

"But?" Blaine smiled ruefully.

"But I think you expect more from me than I'm willing to give Seb. I mean I can help you, with whatever you need but I don't know about staying. I can't be with you like this."

Sebastian seemed crushed but almost as if he expected such a response. He nodded in acceptance.

"I think it's great, what you're doing, I really do but I think we've been going wrong for a while, don't you?"

Sebastian looked at Blaine, not knowing what to say. The alcohol had such a way of fogging his opinion and clarity that he really didn't know what he thought anymore, he had been too intent on a good time. He hadn't really noticed that things had changed, that there was nothing left. He felt a bit broken all over again at the thought that he couldn't win Blaine back after all and it was never that simple.

"We'll still be friends?" Sebastian said, again the hope rising in his voice.

"Yeah definitely," Blaine said smiling, "I'll always be here for you Seb, I promise."

Sebastian nodded sadly and suddenly he had the great urge to drink but he started to scratch his palms instead.

xXx

Kurt felt rushed as he continued to sort things in the morning in the hope that he might still see Blaine but time seemed to slip through his fingers and he found himself rushing to the coffee shop nearly half an hour late. Blaine was still sitting there, reading the book he had brought and already surrounded by coffee cups. Kurt could see a cold cup of coffee, clearly bought for him, next to Blaine's empty mug on the coffee table. Blaine looked up as Kurt came stumbling in and breathing heavily.

"I'm so sorry Blaine; I got caught up with stuff. Have you been here long?" He felt himself cringe as he wanted to take back the most obvious of statements to rush out of his mouth.

"Yeah, it's ok. I'll get you another coffee," but as he stood Kurt pushed his shoulder down gently.

"No don't be silly, I'll get you another coffee, it's the least I can do."

As Kurt approached the counter and waited in line, Blaine could finally look at him. Kurt was impeccably dressed as usual and he looked cosy with his new scarf, or at least one Blaine hadn't seen before. He looked rushed, checking his watch every so often as he waited in line and Blaine felt silly that he had been leisurely waiting for him, having nothing else to do. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe Kurt meant more to him than Blaine meant to Kurt and it didn't sit so well. Kurt came back with several cookies and new coffees.

"So what's had you so rushed?" Blaine asked as Kurt sat opposite him on the sofa, "You didn't seem so busy before." Blaine tried to keep the hurt out of his voice but he wasn't as successful as he had hoped. Kurt only took a deep breath before answering.

"I'm off to Paris next week for fashion week. I get to sit behind Isabelle and all the fashion elite and see the famous runways. I know I won't get this chance again and I have to make sure that I'm perfect, that everything is perfect." Blaine felt sad as he looked at Kurt and his hunt for perfection. Blaine felt so beneath perfect, that he could only envy Kurt's search and feel empty.

"Wow that sounds amazing…" Blaine looked down, took his cookie and coffee, anything to keep his hands occupied, his fingers remembering the touch of Kurt's skin, his eyes remembering the soft outline of his body.

"Yeah it will be, I just worry that it won't go smoothly."

"What have you been doing to prepare?"

"Reading up on every single person I could possibly meet, memorising important facts and gossip and understanding big designer concepts at the moment. It's exhausting."

"Is Dave going with you?"

At the mention of his boyfriend's name, Kurt almost sunk his head into his shoulders, but he shook his head.

"No, it's not his kind of thing, he's staying at home." Blaine nodded in understanding.

"How have you been? Have you settled into your new place?" Kurt asked, anything to change topic.

"Sort of, it doesn't feel like home but I'm lucky my dad still has that place. I saw Sebastian today, went round to our place and he had cleaned up – the house and himself by the looks of it. It felt really strange to be back, like I'd gone back in time."

"That's good," Kurt said, smiling wanly. If Sebastian cleaned himself up he knew there would be a chance that Blaine would go back to him and he couldn't really blame him, he'd refused to leave Dave, had decided to leave his options open, indecisive and uncertain. He felt childish, like he couldn't commit to anyone or anything but at least he had Paris, an escape for a week of fashion and glitz. The guy sitting opposite him seemed determined to bring him down to earth and remind him of his guilt and failures. Blaine licked the edge of his coffee cup where the foam had escaped and Kurt's mind flashed an image of that tongue being used for a more pleasurable reason. Kurt gulped.

"I think so," Blaine was saying, carrying on his conversation, "I mean I hope he'll keep going now he knows I don't intend to get back with him." Kurt raised an eyebrow at this development and Blaine continued. "I didn't want him to be doing it just for me, I mean it needs to come from him, doesn't it? You can only change for yourself." Kurt nodded in agreement.

"You'll keep in touch with him though? I mean he sounds like he needs good friends at least."

"Oh yeah, I'll definitely help him. He's been in my life for years now and I know he can't do it on his own. I just feel tired by it all but at the same time, just desperate for something to happen." He looked so small, Kurt could imagine him as a five year old child being disappointed in a present he had received for Christmas. "Do you ever want something to happen Kurt?" he asked, looking up at him sincerely, his lashes fanning out beautifully around his wide eyes. "I just have this need to feel alive, to really feel something." He clasped his hands together but almost couldn't express himself the way he wanted. Kurt smiled.

"I always want something to happen Blaine," he said, thinking back to how he always felt at work, sitting reading emails, checking blogs, commenting on outfits. It wasn't the life he wanted, he felt cheated.

"Maybe we should make things happen, I mean you are already," Blaine said gesturing towards Kurt, "You're off to Paris, living a dream and I'm still going to be here, whiling away my days and waiting for things to happen at night."

"Paris isn't everything Blaine, it isn't really my dream."

"I haven't forgotten your real dreams Kurt and I know you should dream big but the smaller dreams are just as special."

"I don't really mean that, I guess I think that the smaller dreams are just as important. The people you spend your dreams with, that's the most important part and I don't know, I just…" Kurt didn't know how to finish, how to reveal his all to someone. He knew that his relationship with David wasn't good enough and that he was settling but the thought of leaving that for something unknown was scary. The look on Blaine's face suggested he knew exactly what Kurt was talking about.

"Never settle, always dream," Blaine whispered looking at Kurt carefully. Kurt seemed to mull over the statement.

"Well think of me as you jet off to Paris and see all the stars, the fashion elite, the models." Blaine laughed. "Think of me sitting by my piano writing sad break-up songs and playing in small bars across town while you sip champagne and talk fashion with glittery ladies."

"Come with me," Kurt said suddenly and the wide grin was wiped off Blaine's face as he spoke.

"What?"

"Come with me, to Paris." Kurt didn't know what was quite being said, and why he was saying it but he continued nonetheless.

"Do you mean it?" Blaine asked incredulous.

"I think so," Kurt said, laughing with the insanity of it all. "Why not? It'll be boring on my own and as long as you can get another flight I don't see why you can't go."

Blaine didn't want to mention David and the many reasons why he shouldn't go or where he would stay while he was there in Paris, the city of love, so he just smiled widely.

"I mean that would be awesome Kurt, do you think they'd mind?"

"Who Vogue? I'm sure you can get tickets to some of the smaller shows and Isabelle might have connections that can sort it out. If not you can always enjoy a free trip to Paris."

"Where would I stay?" Blaine looked loathed to ask such a loaded question but Kurt took it in his stride.

"You can book a room somewhere surely?"

"Oh yeah of course," Blaine nodded over-eager, feeling foolish.

"Look I need to get back," Kurt said, looking hastily at his watch and suddenly feeling the need to depart, "Can I text you the details later?"

"Oh yeah sure, whatever's easier," Blaine looked panicked, like the offer would be returned and he would have to carry on as normal. "I'll see you soon then…"

"Yeah definitely," Kurt got up and smiled, not quite sure what he was doing or why he was arranging this but Blaine did strange things to him and he felt like a magnet, drawn to danger, drawn to this fantastic guy and his warm eyes. He leant in and kissed Blaine on the cheek in goodbye and as he lingered, Blaine sighed uncontrollably, closing his eyes. Kurt left.

Blaine sat for a while on the sofa dazed and beautifully confused.