Chapter 4

Kurt crept into his apartment nearly an hour later, after walking all the way home, feeling strangely dizzy and detached. He had left Blaine still standing waiting for a cab and he felt almost haunted by his sad expression, not a hint of guilt there. Kurt still couldn't decide how he felt. He had wanted to kiss Blaine, had initiated it even but the idea that he was a cheater was too much to bear. As he thought about the state of his relationship at home, Kurt could only feel anger that it had led to this. He resented that the detached indifference he felt towards Dave, the state of denial he had maintained over their recent disagreements, the lack of communication and anything else typical of a real relationship, had culminated in his change of character.

He had always thought he was morally upright, almost judged those that weren't but now he was on the rung with the lowest of the low. He wasn't sure how Blaine really felt about the situation, didn't really want to discuss it and yet again he felt the need to retreat, hide in a corner and pretend he didn't exist.

He was hoping to find Dave asleep again, as it was gone 2 o'clock and the bedroom was dark as he crept in and under the covers. He turned to face Dave's firm heavy body to find whites of a pair of eyes and he couldn't suppress a yelp of surprise.

"God, David! You scared the life out of me!"

"Sorry," David whispered, "I couldn't sleep." He smiled lightly and with a kindness that Kurt knew he didn't deserve. "Did you have a good time? A club wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Kurt whispered in the darkness, "With Blaine, a guy I met at a piano bar the other night with Rachel."

If Dave was worried or jealous, he didn't show it, which made Kurt's chest sink further in pain.

"Did you sing at the piano bar? I know Rachel loves her karaoke nights," Dave smiled, sounding sleepy.

"The other night? Yeah, I sang 'Out Here On My Own' from Fame," Kurt said. He was greeted with a frown and Kurt almost laughed. "A musical," he answered the silent question.

"Must have been a good night then, I haven't heard you sing around the place for a while."

"Yeah I guess so," Kurt felt a strange worry build in his chest as he realised Dave noticed far more than he gave him credit for.

"Did I make you stop singing?" Dave asked, a worried frown creasing his forehead.

"No," Kurt said, "I just gave up I guess, Rachel had her dreams, mine are still buried somewhere I guess."

"I never thought you should give up Kurt," Dave said kindly, "You need to start living your dreams again, however daft you think they are. One try is not enough."

Kurt looked carefully at Dave, at the man he had lived with for nearly a year, and finally realised he was only just starting to get to know him again. Only after the suicide attempt, years ago had Kurt got to see the compassionate gentle side of Dave and it had never disappeared, rather Kurt had retreated.

"I know," Kurt whispered holding back tears, "I guess the thought of trying again scares me, I don't want to be defeated another time."

"Then don't let it defeat you, win at something else, keep trying until you win. Sometimes it's the fight that makes everything worthwhile."

Kurt nodded, afraid tears would fall but Dave noticed and stroked his cheek gently.

"Anyway, you should sleep, you look tired," he smiled.

"Ok." He felt his eyes drift closed under the stroke of his cheek. He could only reflect, before sleep found him, that the guilt he wouldn't let himself feel earlier was about to hit like a freight train.

xXx

Across town Blaine had got in much earlier than Kurt but had found Sebastian asleep and tucked up in bed when he ventured into the bedroom. Staring at the ceiling, alcohol and worry buzzing in his system, he decided to curl up with a blanket on the sofa and watch mindless reruns of a television programme, anything to stop the thoughts.

The thought of Kurt seemed to haunt him the most, the expression on his face after they had kissed, the regret evident there. He couldn't stand the thought that he had enjoyed the kiss, relished in the feel of his lips and the warmth of his breath, had enjoyed his company over the last few days more than he should have allowed and for Kurt to feel only regret. Kurt had initiated it, had just as much to lose as Blaine, only Blaine felt he would lose anything for Kurt, just to feel that again.

He didn't see himself with Sebastian anymore, needed it to end quickly. He had become his guardian over the last few months and was only considered a nag. The relationship had been going sour for ages, Sebastian could be under no illusions that it was going well. Blaine had to tell him.

Having reached a decision, he stood, planning to go to bed and sleep until he saw Sebastian late morning but by the door, there he stood, clad only in boxers and a sleepy grin.

"You weren't there when I woke and I heard you come in, I must have drifted asleep again," Sebastian said as he rubbed his eyes awake.

"Yeah, go back to bed, I was just coming." Blaine started walking closer.

"Why were you out here?" Sebastian asked quietly.

"Just some thinking," Blaine tried to shrug his shoulders but Sebastian remained still. As Blaine started to move closer, about to sidestep Sebastian to get to his bedroom, Sebastian held his shoulders, entreating with his eyes, asking that he remain.

"What are you doing Seb? I want to go to bed." Blaine closed his eyes in frustration.

"What's going on Blaine? I want to know."

"Nothing," he wrenched his shoulders away from his grip and walked to the bedroom. Sebastian followed.

There was silence as Blaine undressed, Sebastian walking to the bed and getting underneath the covers, watching Blaine carefully. Blaine felt constricted. He wanted to be free. Maybe this was the time after all.

"How do you think our relationship is going Sebastian?" Blaine asked suddenly, stood still with only his boxers and his hip cocked to one side.

"What do you mean?" Sebastian asked, worry creasing his forehead. He clearly had never contemplated the idea that Blaine would be anything but happy in his presence.

"I mean, how do you think we're doing? Are we happy?"

"Well," he faltered, "I mean, we have our ups and downs but we're happy right?"

Blaine was decidedly silent as he removed his boxers without any hint of possible sexual connotations and donned his pyjamas.

"Blaine?" Sebastian hated this. Blaine normally reasoned with him, was the logical side of the relationship and Sebastian had to work now, thoughts bubbling and incoherent. He suddenly missed the alcohol he had thought he didn't need, it calmed him in ways he would never understand.

Blaine looked at Sebastian carefully, not sure how to proceed. It was only a matter of hours really, this conversation would happen anyway; perhaps it could wait until morning.

"Don't worry, we're fine." He slipped under the covers and faced away from Sebastian, turning off the bedside lamp. Sebastian could only look at his cold back and wonder what was happening.

xXx

Kurt sat in silence the next morning sipping his coffee having risen early despite his day off. Friday's were free for the next few weeks as Kurt prepared for Paris fashion week in February and Isabelle wanted him to work from home and run errands if needed. Dave would need to rise for work soon and Kurt would need to decide. After initially dropping off to sleep in Dave's arms, this in itself so rare that Dave could only smile, kissing the top of his head as Kurt slept on, Kurt had dreamt only of Blaine's face. It had seemed to twitch and change before his eyes, morphing into expressions of pleasure, from sadness and towards hope. Kurt wanted only to scrunch his eyes and make him disappear.

As he sat drinking his too warm coffee but relishing in the scold to his tongue, he thought of what the kiss would mean to Dave and decided he didn't need to tell him. Whether they stayed together or not, his relationship with Blaine would need to cease and Dave need never know that for a fleeting moment there had been someone else. Their relationship would come to an end naturally, with no one else to sully it. He would need to decide if he would end his relationship with David, after all, he couldn't keep living in this limbo of nothingness. A decision would need to be made and he couldn't have Blaine around to confuse things.

Dave came in fully dressed after a while, ready for work in his crisp suit and Kurt suddenly felt proud that he was his. He had missed the tenderness between them, that was all, he had pushed it away and Blaine had been there to fill the gap. Kurt knew he needed to put more of an effort into this relationship if it was to work and he would start today.

"You look nice," Kurt smiled, light not quite reaching his eyes.

"Thanks," Dave said grabbing a muffin and pouring a coffee. "You have plans today?"

"Not really, no," Kurt said, suddenly aware that he would be here with only his thoughts. "I might go out, I don't know…"

"You ok?" Dave paused his cup going towards his lips, quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Kurt said, coming out of his reverie, "You got a busy day?"

"Yeah but we can meet later if you like? Have dinner out." Kurt didn't say anything and just looked down at his finished coffee cup. Maybe the answer could be seen there.

"Where do you see us in five years David?"

"I don't know, why do we have to plan so far ahead? Just take it as it comes, I don't know." Kurt felt annoyance, he never seemed to know anything either.

"But what's the point? Why stay together?" Dave looked pained, hurt filling his eyes and he inhaled visibly, his chest moving inwards.

"Whoa, is that what's had you so silent recently?" His voice had risen, eyes wide, "You think we should finish?"

"Well relationships normally move in one direction, you seem to want it to stay still."

"No, I mean why do we have to think about it at all."

"It doesn't bother you, never thinking that we'll get married and live happily ever after?"

"I just don't want marriage and kids, it doesn't mean that I don't want you."

"I know Dave." Kurt got up, prepared to move into the bedroom.

"Don't go Kurt, talk about it."

"I can't, I thought we wanted the same things." He walked away but David followed.

"But I never thought it was that important to you," Dave said to his retreating back, "I mean, do you even love me?" Kurt stopped not daring to face him but not wanting to answer he went into the bedroom to change. Dave could only sigh in frustration and leave.

xXx

After changing and moisturising Kurt felt more alive in the world and his thoughts were more settled. He decided, after his third coffee of the day, that he would call Blaine, ask if they could meet, only to set the record straight and give him time. He would feel even better if things were settled between them.

Blaine answered after the first ring, which disarmed Kurt, who was still gathering his words and thoughts together.

"Kurt?"

"Uh, Blaine, I was just going to ring, I mean I am ringing to see if we could meet today, just quickly and…"

"Yeah, that's great," Blaine said, quickly, "I have a gig later on today but I could meet you for lunch again, outside your office?"

"I'm not working today, how about you come round to mine?"

"Oh, ok…" said Blaine, hesitation clear in his voice. "Where do you live?"

Kurt gave him his address and waited patiently for him to arrive, feeling an idiot for suggesting he meet him here. They would be alone, left to talk about awkward topics and Kurt didn't have any cakes or biscuits to offer him. In a sudden panic he left to go to the local shop, in the hope that it would take a while for Blaine to get here. He felt torn between dread and excitement and he needed to occupy his hands and feet somewhere.

Somewhere else another awkward conversation was occurring, one that would define a relationship, cause another fissure and Kurt was completely oblivious.