Chapter 13

Kurt met Isabelle early the next morning to catch his flight back to New York, having left Blaine after a hot shower and croissants in bed. Blaine was catching a later flight and he would check out of his own hotel a little later. They agreed to meet in a few days and Kurt was soon on his way.

Isabelle was a little more perky when they met but was wearing dark shades to shield her from the harsh sunlight.

"I haven't seen the sun for a while," she said, almost grimacing and she sat by the window quietly on the plane, sometimes talking to Kurt about all they had seen. She gave him plenty of time to think about his life and what he really wanted. Despite the romantic moments with Blaine, the glorious time in Paris seemed already to be disappearing as Kurt flew over Europe. He had left it casual with Blaine, despite knowing that he had never felt more alive in his company, that he would sometimes look across at Blaine and feel that pull; feel the addictive nature of their relationship bubble and whirl in his stomach. He knew Blaine felt the same but as he returned home, he knew that he had left behind a mess with Dave and the sinking feeling returned. He knew both Dave and Sebastian would require more time and effort than either of them had admitted and this was their time. They would need to be fixed.

Kurt arrived in New York about 8 o'clock in the morning despite leaving Paris at 7 o'clock and by the time he arrived at his apartment he shared with Dave, he had already left for work. Kurt breathed a sigh of relief that his apartment was empty and that Dave hadn't changed the locks. He started to pack his belongings into suitcases and it was only as he nearly finished that it dawned on him that he had no idea where he was going to go. He sat down on the bed, surrounded by clothes neatly folded on the bed and open suitcases and sighed. He really had only one option. Rachel.

He realised he hadn't been the greatest of friends to Rachel since this had started. He had deliberately avoided her, knowing she would want to know all the goings-on concerning Blaine and he couldn't deal with that. She had text, even left a few persistent voicemails but now he realised he would need to grovel and explain.

"Kurt!" She shouted down the phone, after just one ring, "Where have you been?"

"Paris, Rachel," he said, already exasperated, "You know I was going there with Isabelle for work."

"Kurt," she whined, "You know what I mean! You disappeared off the face of the earth, didn't answer my texts or calls, I know what that means!"

"And what is that Rachel?" he decided to humour her, knowing full well she had probably guessed all.

"You were either getting laid or feeling guilty," she said, sounding very pleased at her levels of deduction, "Or both!" She said suddenly and Kurt left the silence to speak for itself. "Kurt? Did you? With Blaine?" She whispered, almost in awe that Kurt could mess up so badly.

"Yes," he said just as quietly, "Dave and I broke up and I need a place to stay…" He decided to leave out the part where the relationships had blurred, where boundaries had been crossed.

"Oh Kurt," she said and after a while replied that of course he could stay. Kurt ended the conversation, saying he would explain all later and he continued to pack. He decided on leaving all furniture and bigger items for another time and then packed his bathroom items, this taking almost as long as his clothes. He took a final look around the apartment, staring at the photos on the walls and noticed that there was only one or two of him and Dave, most included only family. He was starting to write a note of explanation to Dave as the door opened slowly and Kurt looked up to find Dave by the door. He looked devastated to see Kurt and said nothing, only glancing around the apartment, already noticing the missing items.

"You've packed?" he asked. Kurt nodded. Dave only sat down in a nearby chair and Kurt felt instantly sorry. Dave's back looked so burdened he seemed to have shrunk in stature and Kurt felt a pang, knowing he had caused that.

"How did it go so terribly wrong Kurt?" Dave looked so carefully at him, imploring him so innocently that Kurt just didn't know what to say. He should never have returned.

"I don't know what to say Dave, it wasn't you - " Kurt started but was interrupted angrily.

"Oh don't start that bullshit Kurt, tell me the truth."

Kurt was startled. Dave rarely spoke like that, even in arguments. He owed him the truth at least he supposed.

"Do you remember when you first moved to New York and you invited me for coffee? You said you felt lonely in such a big place, didn't know where to start to meet friends. We hung out, you met my friends, made your own and it just sort of happened. We came together because there you were, dependable, safe and I needed that."

"I'm not always like that Kurt," Dave said, "You know that."

"I do, which is why you deserve someone better. I was never for the long haul Dave and I know that now. We were never eternity; I guess I hoped you knew that."

"So I was your back up plan, in case you never found anyone."

Kurt's silence said it all and he couldn't look at him anymore. Dave knew.

"Where are you going to go?" Dave asked, after an awkward silence.

"I'm staying with Rachel until I find somewhere else."

"And this other guy's pretty special then?" Kurt nodded. "Well he's pretty lucky then."

xXx

Blaine left Paris and arrived in New York late afternoon, feeling a little lost so he decided he would go to the club he was to play at later. He wasn't due on stage for at least three hours but after dropping off his bags at his apartment he found himself sitting at the bar nursing a bourbon, which wasn't usually his drink but here and now it seemed fitting. It took quite a while for him to realise that he wasn't alone, sitting there staring into the dark brown liquid as he swirled it around the bottom of his glass. As the person next to him moved slightly, Blaine looked up and found his mouth drop.

"Seb? What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you," he said, as if it was perfectly natural for him to come to his place of work, "I thought I'd watch you play, if you don't mind?"

Blaine found tears prickle his eyes and he blinked them away.

"I'd like that, how did you know I would be here?"

"I always knew your schedule. How was Paris?" He said, changing the subject.

"Really good thanks," Blaine said, a wide smile over his face, "I saw all the sights and managed to get tickets to see the last day of fashion shows – Alexander McQueen and Chanel – they were fabulous."

Sebastian chuckled. "You went with Kurt didn't you?" Blaine nodded guiltily. "That trip has old Betty White's name all over it…"

"Hey…" Blaine said indignantly.

"You moved on quick then…" Sebastian's face was suddenly forlorn, as if the bravado could no longer be maintained.

"Nothing happened until we split, I promise," Blaine said carefully, "We've been falling apart for a while though, haven't we?" Sebastian nodded. Blaine needed to feel slightly less guilty and he really did hope Sebastian would be ok. He always seemed cocky but really Blaine knew his mask covered quite a few insecurities.

"How have you been?" Blaine asked and Sebastian knew this meant had he managed to stay off the alcohol.

"I've been ok actually. Got a job as a barista so I'll be able to start paying you for rent soon and I'm sure to meet a guy on the dance floor later," he said winking.

"I don't think it's that kind of place Seb," Blaine said as if he was indulging a child. He was pleased he had managed to stay sober while he had been away though. "So you'll be ok then?" Blaine asked, needing to know, hoping he hadn't really hurt him. Sebastian looked at Blaine for what seemed the longest time, until he saw something redeeming it seemed and he stroked Blaine's arm and smiled. "Yeah, I'll be ok Blaine. Still in my life? Still friends?"

"Yeah, always," Blaine said smiling.

xXx

Kurt came to the office the next day armed with designs and thoughts about the fashion shows he had seen so he got Isabelle's coffee and took calls and replied to emails. Isabelle could sense Kurt's new found eagerness so she casually invited him in for a board meeting where ideas would be flung about and Kurt looked eager-eyed and alert, taking notes and doodling on a sheet of paper when the mood took him. His face, ever a display of what he thought and felt, showed a myriad of expressions and alerted Isabelle to his true feelings about ideas bandied about by others. She asked his opinion and took his suggestions on board. He realised, he had been considered all along, he just needed to jump on board and join the gang again.

As the meeting drew to an end, Isabelle took him to one side and looked over his shoulder at his new drawings.

"What are these Kurt?"

"Just some doodles," he shrugged.

"Do you design often?"

"Oh all the time but I've never submitted anything, it's only ever been for me and friends."

"But now?"

"Now, maybe I should do something with them…"

"Yeah, definitely, come by my office later with the best and I'll give you my advice," she said warmly and Kurt smiled, a slither of hope creeping along his chest and settling in his stomach. He knew it would be tough to even be considered in designer big leagues but advice was a start and he had only ever wanted to try. He knew how dangerous it was to feel dead and useless. His time was finally now.

xXx

Kurt and Blaine had text back and forth without meeting for a few days and Blaine could feel the itch to ring, the crawl of goosebumps along his arms, the need to touch Kurt, to speak to him, evident as he prepared his set list for that evening. He knew Kurt would be working during the day but he sent him a text inviting him to the bar tonight anyway.

To: Kurt [10.12]

Miss you… fancy coming to hear me play tonight?

To: Blaine [10.17]

Hey you, miss you too :( tonight sounds like a very good idea xx

The reply made Blaine feel more relaxed again. It had been easier than he thought to settle into New York life again, to have a resolution but he didn't want Kurt to feel rushed. If Kurt was for the long haul they could weather many more storms than a few days without each other but Blaine admitted to himself that he couldn't bear another day without him. He did start to wonder whether you could be physically addicted to someone. To have the constant need for someone, to feel jittery without them, to feel complete when your lips touched theirs – maybe it was all too much too soon.

Blaine felt more settled at the piano much later, already having sung his popular tunes and asking for requests. He saw Kurt arrive after a little while and he smiled warmly from at his place near the back. Blaine could already feel the warmth of his bourbon, apparently a new favourite drink, on his cheeks and it made him feel light-headed. He was suddenly desperate to be understood and he knew that song was definitely the most honest way he knew to express himself. He had a feeling Kurt would understand.

Some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold a smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never while we don't know it
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go
Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Kurt had seemed slightly confused as Blaine sang, not understanding at first that he meant all the relationships they had found themselves in over the last few months. Blaine's desperation came out as he sang now and Kurt knew. He wanted this, needed to be understood and Kurt knew.

Picture you're the queen of everything
Far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian when all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never while we don't know it
Time, time and time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go
Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

We're falling apart,
We're coming together,
Again and again
We're crawling apart,
But we're falling together,
Falling together
Together again

They had seemed to complete some kind of dance over the last few months, always parting or falling together and Kurt realised then how much it had hurt and how he longed for Blaine in his life. He walked towards Blaine as he continued to play the tune, a break in the lyrics and Blaine seemed to understand what he was doing.

Kurt hadn't been aware he was singing along until he reached Blaine at the piano and sat down on the stool next to him, but the crowd could hear his voice gradually getting louder as his mouth neared the microphone.

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go
Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Kurt slid his arm next to Blaine's and kissed him sweetly on the cheek as he finished the song and only Blaine heard the whispered endearment next to his ear, too quiet even for the microphone.

"Never," Kurt whispered, tingling Blaine's ear with his warm breath, "I'll never let you go."