Chapter 1

It was cold outside, the winter air frosty and promising snow to come. Kurt tried to wrap himself up warm against the torrent of cold air winding his way and hitting his face but his face became red and numb quickly. He rushed to his apartment letting himself in quickly and wiping his boots on the mat by the door, quietly removing his coat and boots so as not to disturb the man he knew would be sleeping in the back bedroom.

He tiptoed to the kitchen, keeping his scarf and gloves on and slowly made tea, determined not to approach the bedroom yet, hoping to put off the inevitable. He sipped his newly made tea in the dark kitchen, the blinds open to reveal the glow from the street lights to the right of his apartment. The steam rose to warm his face and he gripped it tightly to let the feeling return to his fingers. He loved New York but sometimes he dreamed of hopping on a flight to LA and basking in its continual sunshine.

As the tea was drunk and completed he slouched his shoulders, realising he would have to face the man now lying in his bed but he hoped and prayed to the magic teapot dwarf in the sky that he was fast asleep and that Kurt was quiet enough not to disturb him. He undressed in the bathroom and slipped into his darkened bedroom, slipping under the covers with minimal movement. The man next to him remained straight backed and faced away from Kurt's side, no movement indicated Kurt had succeeded. Kurt sighed in relief as he tried to sleep and calm the whirring thoughts in his own mind.

xXx

A similar bedroom across town showed an entirely different situation. Noise, shouts and gestures were exchanged hotly and quickly, neither man being heard or understood. Blaine needed to get his point across but knew it was pointless, knew that Sebastian was too far gone to be reached. He suddenly felt as if he was floating up and outside of his body to survey the scene below him – Sebastian red faced and angry, slurring his words, incoherent and arms flaying at their sides. Blaine felt himself slump and walk towards the bed, his legs only just walking. He gave up and let Sebastian shout and rant, he let it wash over him like a deluge and he sighed. Sebastian's stance changed and he suddenly stopped.

"What are you doing now?" Sebastian asked the anger still in his voice but now much quieter.

"I'm sitting down Seb, I'm tired."

"Have you been listening at all to what I just said?" Sebastian voice started to rise again.

"Yes, we have this argument every week and it never changes anything. You think I'm too controlling, I think you're a pathetic drunk. It never ends, nothing is resolved."

"You think I'm a drunk?" Sebastian scoffed, "I'm completely fine." His stuttered sentence completely contradicting him, Blaine almost laughed.

"I've had a few to drink, so what? I would love it if you came out with me once in a while but nooooo, you just sit there and judge me and laugh at me with your superior thoughts and opinions. You used to think so highly of me Blaine, there was a time I impressed you, right? Now what? You hate me?" Sebastian started to sink on the bed next to Blaine, pathetically holding his head in his face. This was the moment that Blaine would usually soften, feel sorry for the pathetic man sitting next to him, offer some comfort. Blaine didn't think he had the energy tonight.

"Of course I don't hate you," Blaine said, his hand reaching out to stroke Sebastian's back soothingly. "I just don't get your need to go out with your mates and get plastered every other night. You should be looking for jobs."

"I am looking for jobs," Sebastian shouted indignantly, "I try Blaine, I do but you're not very supportive and I can't do this on my own. I need you." Tears appeared in Sebastian's eyes and Blaine stroked his cheek.

"Hey, don't cry. Just let's go to bed, talk properly tomorrow, yeah?" Blaine said.

"Ok," Sebastian mumbled, already feeling sleepy and worn out. Blaine undressed him and tucked him in bed as he went to the bathroom himself and turned out the light. As he came to bed himself after spending time moisturising, Sebastian was already asleep and he sighed in relief.

xXx

Kurt woke first the next morning and crept out of bed and his bedroom to begin his morning moisturising routine. He started to feel human again and made coffee. He hastily drank his before his boyfriend got out of bed and he was nearly out the door when a voice stopped him.

"You're going early again." It wasn't a question, just a statement of fact.

"Yeah, I made coffee," Kurt said, indicating the filter machine, "I need to get to work."

The man opposite him nodded in understanding, sadness in his eyes.

"You got in late?" He asked.

"Yeah, I hope I didn't disturb you, working again…" His voice trailed away, his lie so obvious he couldn't continue. Kurt looked down, then at the door, his escape route almost calling to him.

"Well don't let me keep you," Dave said, bitterness evident in his voice, "I'll see you later?"

"Well I'm not sure, I might be late, meetings again and…"

"Yeah I get it," Dave said, turning dismissively towards the kitchen and although Kurt's shoulders sunk in defeat and sadness, he didn't stop Dave from leaving, didn't say the words he wanted to hear. He merely took his bag and left for work, closing the door softly behind him.

xXx

Kurt was the first at his office again, Isabelle arriving soon after and looking at him sadly as she walked past his cubicle. He was typing on the blogs connected to Vogue and maintaining the website forums, answering questions about new fashion lines and commenting on articles that had been published last month. He answered emails and started taking phone calls once the lines were open again at 9 o'clock. He had already had three cups of coffee before his day had even started.

Kurt often wondered how he ended up here. He had dreams once and although some would kill for his job, the flurry of hopeful interns each year eyeing him suspiciously reminded him of that but it wasn't all he had hoped for. He was slowly rising up the ranks at Vogue, now in a well paid position he still worked with Isabelle but was more included in her meetings, had more of a say in her articles and blogs and went to fashion shows galore. He loved his job some days but it wasn't what he dreamed of, he wanted to sing.

He never dreaded going to work, he just felt his dreams were slowly slipping away and he was constantly running to catch them again, to be reminded what it felt like to be alive. Days could easily slip by at Vogue, stuck at a computer, sipping coffee and nothing would change. He would look back over his week and know that he had not grown, changed or experienced anything worthy of note. He wanted to be an influence, wanted to shout to the world that he was here.

He continued to sip his coffee as he shook his head of the cloudy thoughts fogging around him and looked to the computer screen again. He needed to get over this incessant need to dream.

xXx

Blaine got out of bed at a much later hour, hair mussed and curly, leaving Sebastian hogging all the covers. He made a coffee, read the morning paper looking for jobs for Sebastian and circling possibilities. He watched the news and checked his post, paid bills that should have been shared. He rang his manager confirming his new gig tonight at Callbacks and they discussed possible songs for his set list. It was popular amongst students, especially at NYADA, and he was hoping it would garner interest in his EP, sales of which had dwindled in recent months.

He looked up to see a sleepy Sebastian enter the kitchen only in his boxers and opening and closing his mouth as if it tasted of carpet.

"Coffee," Sebastian whined, "I need coffee." Blaine poured and handed him a cup silently, going back to his song lists and sheets of music. Sebastian sat on a stool opposite him, rubbing his head, trying to dull the ache he found there this morning.

"How are you feeling?" Blaine asked quietly, determined to maintain the peace.

"Ok, just a bit hungover, maybe I did drink more than I thought." Blaine said nothing.

"What are you doing?" Sebastian continued.

"Just going over what I need to do for tonight. I'm singing at Callbacks, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Sebastian said, his eyes alighting on the newspaper with red circles in the job section. "What's this?" he said, picking it up.

"Just some jobs I thought you might want to try out. Just a thought."

"Oh not this again," Sebastian sighed but the hint of anger was slowly approaching.

"No, I just wanted to help," Blaine said defensively, "Don't take it the wrong way." Blaine always felt like he was treading on egg shells.

"I'll look for a job under my own terms, Blaine," Sebastian said, his voice rising as loud as his pounding head would allow. "I don't need a dad to find a job for me."

"Ok," Blaine said simply, returning to his sheet music.

"Oh here comes the passive aggressive Blaine," Sebastian mocked, "Looking all pious and self-righteous. Look I don't have daddy dearest to go to when I run out of money. I don't have money to produce my own EP and be able to swan around most evenings singing at bars and clubs for a small fee."

"Yes I get it, your dad left you no money after he gambled it away, I get it, I KNOW!" Blaine got up, taking his sheet music with him to the living room where his piano was nestled in the corner.

"Hey, I haven't finished," Sebastian shouted to a retreating Blaine.

"Well I have!" Blaine said, facing Sebastian. "I don't want to hear it, I'm tired of it all." He started to play quietly, his face instantly changing, calm washing over him as the keys tinkled. Sebastian just stared in annoyance and went to his room to shower and change.

xXx

Kurt found himself working through lunch, although he didn't particularly have much to do as he had started so early, he didn't want to face anyone today. He looked over NYADA chat rooms and forums and posted comments, imagining what it would be like to go there, to live his dream but his thoughts were interrupted by a text from Rachel.

Rachel. A friend, probably his only friend, unlikely seeing as he had hated her for most of his time at high school. She was Kurt's daily reminder that dreams were possible as she had achieved hers. She had been accepted at NYADA unlike Kurt, she had received recognition for her hard work and talent and was now auditioning for roles on Broadway. Already having starred in off-Broadway musicals it was only a matter of time before she made a name for herself. Kurt found himself being a dutiful friend, supporting her and listening to her trials and tribulations. She said the right things to Kurt, told him to keep trying for his dreams but he knew she was just being polite and trying to be a good friend. She made sure he wasn't lonely and knew of his troubles with David but she didn't really understand.

She was desperate to go back to Callbacks, relive her memories as a student there, singing away without a care and the whole of her theatrical career ahead of her. She thought it would be fun, they should go together she had said.

Kurt found himself agreeing, though he couldn't think of anything worse than being reminded how much of a failure his life was. He needed a reason to return late to Dave though and maybe he could drink away his troubles. He agreed and text David to let him know he would be doing Rachel a favour and going out with her tonight.

Later on that evening, Kurt in his tightest red trousers that he kept at work for evening emergencies and a simple black shirt, revealing his toned arms and shoulders, he felt ready. Rachel looked pretty in her short black shorts and white jacket, tight at the waist, her big smile showing she was extremely excited to be going back to a place that meant so much to her over the last few years. They entered the bar as it was starting to get busy and ordered drinks, finding a table with an excellent view of the piano which was currently empty. Kurt looked around at the students and felt at home there, sadly realising he would never really belong. The owner of the bar suddenly appeared at the mic and a guy with gelled dark hair and a bowtie timidly approached the piano stool.

"Hi everyone. This is Blaine Anderson who will be playing here a few nights a week. Of course we'll still have our famous karaoke nights each week," he said, as the crowd whooped and clapped, "But without further ado, here's Blaine." Applause started again as Blaine smiled shyly, explaining that he had CDs of his EP available after the show if anyone was interested. He looked around the room, suddenly aware that probably no one would be interested but he started playing anyway. He did acoustic versions of Teenage Dream, Can't Help Falling in Love, Your Song and Falling Slowly, which had been an obsession of Kurt's when the film Once had been released.

Kurt was mesmerised by him. He played quiet and gentle songs that seemed to sink to Kurt's tired soul and revive it, stirring in him the need to sing again, to share experiences through song, to express himself and be understood. He felt tears spring to his eyes on more than one occasion and it didn't go unnoticed by Rachel, who leaned in during one song and commented that he was good. Kurt simply nodded, his eyes transfixed on the man at the piano.

Blaine looked like he too was lost in the music and barely noticed the crowd around him watching. He loved how music transported you, how you could forget everything around you and at the same time be made fully aware of how you were feeling in the moment. The effect of this magical man on the audience was noticeable and the owner of the bar looked proud of himself at hiring this piano man early on in his career, as he watched from the sidelines.

Blaine's set was over too soon and a reminder given of the sale of his EP, that he would be selling until the bar closed. Kurt found himself drifting over to Blaine before others did the same and asking him if he wanted to join Rachel and him for a drink after he finished packing away and selling his EP. Kurt didn't normally do such a thing but his feet seemed to walk on their own and his mouth opened before he thought of what he was doing.

Blaine looked up in surprise at such a nice gesture and he smiled.

"I'd love to thanks," as Kurt indicated Rachel behind him waving manically, " I'll just pack up and see if anyone wants to buy my EP then I'll be over."

Kurt walked back to Rachel in a daze, not entirely sure what he had done. He looked at Rachel with wide eyes.

"That was brave of you," she said smiling, "I take it you asked him for an EP?"

"No," Kurt said, still dazed and surprised at himself, "I invited him over to our table for a drink once he finished packing up."

Rachel simply raised an eyebrow and mouthed, "oh". She smiled at Kurt's flushed face.

"You only live once right?" She winked playfully.

"No Rachel," Kurt said vehemently as his actions sunk in, "I have Dave remember, nothing untoward will happen. I thought he was amazing though, I wish I could do that."

"You can," Rachel said simply, "You just have to try and not give up." Kurt looked at her as if she had grown wings and said she could fly but he settled on a smile as he knew she was trying to make him feel better.

Blaine came over after about half an hour and he had chatted with a few girls who had shamelessly flirted with him and bought his EP. He had asked if Kurt and Rachel wanted a drink and when they replied that they were fine, they watched him order his drink at the bar.

"See, he's obviously straight," Kurt said, "Not that it matters," he said hurriedly, remembering Dave.

"I'll ask him," Rachel said confidently.

"Don't you dare!" Kurt exclaimed as Blaine started to walk over and Kurt warned Rachel with a glare.

"Hi guys," Blaine said, as he took a seat at their table. "Did you like the set?" He asked, hope rising in his eyes.

"You were fantastic," Rachel gushed, "So good."

"Thanks," Blaine said blushing, "I try."

"It was great," Kurt said sincerely, "Do you have many gigs in this area?"

"Yeah quite a few, I'm busy every night at a different venue and they're great opportunities to sell my EP to people that like my songs. I try to only sing a few at bars though, I think people want to hear Disney and classic love songs rather than my old rubbish."

"But your songs were amazing," Kurt said smiling, "I mean it, you should sing them more. I would be really interested in buying your EP." And he took it to look at as he handed the necessary money to Blaine.

"Thanks," Blaine said blushing again, and Kurt found himself thinking he had never seen anything this adorable.

"Does this mean you have a manager and a record deal?" Rachel asked eagerly.

"No, not quite, I mean I have a manager that finds me gigs and things but I produced the EP myself. My dad paid for it all." He looked embarrassed as he shrugged his shoulders, nonchalantly.

"Well you're really lucky," Kurt said smiling at Blaine, "But it doesn't mean that you don't have to work hard and try for your success, does it?"

"Well no, I mean I pay for rent and live off my earnings just about but I know I'm lucky. My dad's great really."

There was comfortable chat about the bar and student life, Blaine explaining that he had studied music in New York to which Rachel started telling her stories of student life at NYADA. Kurt felt like he was slipping out of the conversation until Blaine brought him back.

"What do you do Kurt?"

"I work at Vogue," he said simply.

"Oh wow!" Blaine exclaimed, "That must be amazing."

"Sort of," Kurt said, his enthusiasm already dying and Blaine's face dropped slightly, sensing he shouldn't pursue the topic.

Rachel dropped a few hints after a while that she was tired and decided to leave on time so she could be ready for an audition she had in a couple of days. Blaine smiled and kissed her on the cheek goodbye as Kurt's heart sank, confirming that he was straight.

"So Kurt," Blaine said, staring at Kurt's blue clear eyes, almost feeling that he could sink, "Any plans for tonight?" He looked so hopeful that Kurt suddenly found his hope returning.

"Not really," he shrugged, trying to appear carefree.

"Well do you fancy going to this little café I know down the road? I'm famished. I hardly eat before a gig."

"Yeah, sounds nice and it's a bit loud in here," Kurt said looking around.

They escaped and were hit with cold air as they left the bar and walked round the corner to Blaine's café. As they entered, only a few tables occupied, Blaine was greeted by a bigger lady behind the counter and he smiled widely.

"Hi Brenda, how are you?" he said warmly.

"Blaine!" She waved excitedly, "Usual?"

"Yes please and your usual surprise for my friend here," he said indicating Kurt. Brenda only nodded and got to work, starting to sing along to the radio behind her.

"Surprise?" Kurt asked worried as they took a seat in the corner.

"Oh yeah, you'll love it," Blaine assured him.

"So how long have you lived in New York, Kurt?"

"Four years now. I lived with Rachel while she was a student, then I got my own place. I've worked at Vogue the whole time I've been here but my family are in Ohio."

"Oh cool, I come from Westerville, my family still live there."

"Really? I come from Lima, just two hours from Westerville. What school did you go to?"

"Dalton Academy? The private school. Hey did you go to McKinley?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I think my glee club competed against yours?" Blaine quirked an eyebrow in question, suddenly unsure of his facts.

"Oh yeah, I remember. We tied at sectionals and you lost at regionals?"

"Yeah," Blaine said, lowering his head in sadness, "We never really recovered after that. You went to Nationals?"

"Yeah and lost. Won the year after though," Kurt said smiling in glee, memories were good and life was easier then, his whole life ahead of him.

"We never got to nationals. Good that you won though. Didn't fancy singing as a career?" Blaine asked.

"Oh yeah, I tried to get into NYADA but didn't succeed and I didn't try again. I assumed the universe had decided I wasn't to go there so I stayed at Vogue. I'm lucky really."

"Yeah it sounds a great job but I couldn't imagine not singing as my job. I suppose as long as I can make at least some money out of it I'll keep on trying. My boyfriend thinks I'm mad though," Blaine smiled ruefully and Kurt's heart sunk.

"Oh right," Kurt nodded looking down and Blaine mistook his expression for disapproval.

"Yeah I'm gay, is that an issue?" Blaine started defensively.

"Oh gosh no!" Kurt exclaimed, sitting up and eyes bulging in misunderstanding. "I'm gay too, it would never be an issue."

"Sorry," Blaine apologised feeling foolish for jumping to conclusions and smiling shyly again, "I get so used to being defensive about it to family members that I jump on my high horse a little too soon."

"It's fine, I get it," Kurt said, remembering his issues with kids at school.

Their orders arrived and Kurt was surprised to find the biggest stack of pancakes he had ever seen in front of him, hardly able to see Blaine's face over them. They were smothered in maple syrup and smelled delicious.

"Oh my," Kurt sighed as Blaine chuckled.

"They're excellent," Blaine said as he surveyed his own collection of waffles. I always eat breakfast here late at night. Brenda is excellent and she took pity on me when I first arrived here as a student looking underfed and poor. We've been friends ever since."

They ate in relative silence, both murmuring in pleasure as they ate and Kurt would occasionally look at Blaine's perfect eyes, a burnt amber and smile, wondering what he was letting himself in for with this guy. He could feel worries melting away from him as they chattered idly about life in New York and singing and favourite songs. Kurt felt like a teenager again as Blaine explained the process of making an EP as if he was an eager puppy, so excited and enthusiastic. Kurt felt jealousy in the pit of his stomach that Blaine could feel that thrill everyday in his job while he felt dead to the world.

Kurt found himself reminiscing about glee club and competitions and describing the characters he had met there. Blaine chuckled at the stories and relayed his own about the Warblers and the school's anti-bullying policy that kept him safe from neanderthals. Kurt laughed.

"I ended up dating my own neanderthal," he smiled ruefully. Blaine quirked an eyebrow in question and Kurt decided to explain.

"Dave, my boyfriend, bullied me in high school as a closeted gay guy. He kissed me in anger and left to go to another school but we met again at a gay bar and it became known at his new school that he was gay. They started bullying him and he tried to commit suicide so I visited him in hospital." Blaine looked at Kurt in amazement that someone could be that understanding but he remained silent.

"He explained everything and I forgave him, tried to help him and we became friends. I met him again last year after he moved for work and we saw more of each other and the rest is history." Kurt sighed as a way of finishing already thinking he had revealed too much to this relative stranger.

"Wow," Blaine said, "That is one complicated relationship!" he said smiling. "I mean you're amazing to forgive that. I don't think I could do that." He shook his head as he tried to imagine forgiving his own bullies.

"Well it was easier because he needed me I guess," Kurt said as he looked out the door suddenly aware that that was the reason he had started a relationship with David in the first place. It shocked him to think that he had only just realised this and there was silence as Blaine looked carefully at him, unaware that he had made a realisation.

Discussion turned to other gigs and jobs that Blaine had and the sales of his EP. He seemed so enthusiastic about it all that Kurt couldn't help but smile and wish for the same enthusiasm in his own life.

They soon found themselves alone in the café and finishing their coffees and breakfast food just after midnight. Blaine indicated he should get home, thinking about the state he would find Sebastian when he returned. He looked to Kurt, his porcelain skin and blue eyes showing such promise and hope that Blaine didn't want to leave him, felt a pang of something hit his chest. As they left and paid Blaine felt a sudden thought tumble out of him and blurt out of his mouth as Kurt smiled.

"Hey, can I have your number? We should meet again."

"Yeah that sounds good," and numbers were exchanged and texts promised the next day. Neither guy thought of mentioning the obvious elephant in the room, deciding to explore friendship, both ignoring the feeling of hope and butterflies rising in their stomachs. It didn't matter that neither mentioned it to their boyfriend when they returned home later, smiles on their faces and thoughts of tomorrow keeping them ticking along. Memories of eyes meeting across tables and singing in bars and discussions about dreams fleeted over their minds as they drifted asleep in different beds with different bodies next to them.