Chapter 4

Today was our last day together. Even thinking that, remembering our last moments together, it seems an age ago and yet I can still remember his touch, still feel his lips ghosting along mine.

We met outside the hospital as agreed and as Blaine had the car again we drove through the same villages as before and visited the same stream, standing on the stone bridge for ages. We ate lunch in a village pub not too far away and it was constantly on my mind – this was our last day, the last time we would do this and my stomach twisted at the thought I wouldn't see his beautiful face again or see his eyes aglow with tears or laughter.

"What would you do if you had your time again?" Blaine asked breaking the silence as we ate in the local pub.

"I don't know really," I said, "I sometimes think that I would never have married Edith but then I wouldn't have Bobby and Margaret and they are adorable. Maybe I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't married Edith. Maybe this was supposed to happen this way."

"Do you believe in fate?"

"Not really, not in the sense that your life is determined for you, but I do believe things happen for a reason perhaps not at the time you wish. Do you?"

"Yes, I know I was meant to find you," Blaine whispered, "I've never felt more alive Kurt, than I am with you. I want you to always know that." I shook my head, the thought of a goodbye already too much, a lump forming in my throat.

"Don't say it," I muttered, looking at my food.

"I wish I had met you before, before I had married, before everything got complicated and so middle aged," Blaine said.

"So do I."

"Is it real for you?" Blaine whispered, "Is it real like it is for me?"

"Yes," I whispered, "Yes so real."

We chatted on and off about other things, not about our other lives anymore, only things that mattered, what we believed in, what made us laugh, things that were important. I wanted Blaine to know it all, and even in this short time together I felt I knew Blaine better than anyone else.

Hours seemed to whizz by as if we weren't allowed to appreciate the time together anymore. We were always on borrowed time but I watched the golden leaves in the autumn air by the stream, as we returned to the car, and felt that even they were a cruel reminder that life is temporary, that love never lasts and there is only time – a constant cycle of repetition. We stood on the bridge again, hoping to pause, hoping to stay here forever and I wished then that I would always remember this place and Blaine, that nothing would fade, even in my old age.

Blaine rested his head on my shoulder as we watched the gentle waves beneath us and I could feel tears forming in my eyes at the domesticity of it all, that we were simply two men in love. I loved this gentle man that had changed my life so much in the space of a few weeks, shaken what I believed about love and life and was now to leave it. I stroked his cheek, as his head still rested on my shoulder and he looked up, his eyes shining. He closed them as I continued to stroke his cheek and I leaned in to kiss him so gently that I could feel the murmur on his lips, the tremble of his fingers as he wound his hand around my waist. We kissed for what seemed an eternity but it was never quite enough.

We soon found ourselves walking back to the station, under the tunnel and our bodies were constantly together as if we needed touch to reassure us. We sat in the refreshment room at the station, already aware of time slipping away. We sat there, Blaine idly stirring his sugar in his tea and I looking down at the table. Nothing could be said anymore, nothing was to be done.

"Are you ok?" Blaine said sadly, finally looking at me.

"Yes, I'm ok," I said, my face obviously showing otherwise.

"I wish I could think of something to say."

"It doesn't matter, not saying anything I mean."

"I'll miss my train and see you off on your train," Blaine said.

"No, please don't," I said, tears already forming. I couldn't bear the thought of a goodbye; I needed to have some control as I could feel all semblance of normality slipping away. "I'll come over to your platform, I'd rather." Blaine nodded sadly.

"Do you think we'll ever see each other again?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said, looking down at the table, "Not for years anyway."

"Children all grown up," I said, looking into the distance, imagining that future and hoping and wishing. "I wonder if they'll ever meet and know each other."

"Couldn't I write to you? Just once in a while?" Blaine asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"No, please Blaine we promised," I said, not able to look at him, feeling like I could give him anything he wanted, knowing I shouldn't.

"Kurt," he said, imploring me with his voice to look into his golden eyes, "I do love you so very much. I love you with all my heart and soul."

"I want to die," I whispered, "If only I could die."

"If you die, you'd forget me and I want to be remembered."

"Yes, so do I."

"We've still got a few minutes," Blaine said looking at his watch but then I heard a voice and my eyes closed against the tide of new emotions sweeping through me. A man I knew from the bank called Fred came bounding over to us, talkative and loud, banging himself down at our table and I cursed silently that fate was obviously so against us.

"Fancy seeing you here Kurt, on your day off," he said and as he deposited his briefcase on a chair he bought himself a cup of tea at the counter.

Blaine looked at me, eyes wide and helpless, so desperate to get rid of this man that was ruining our last few precious moments together but I knew we could not and I saw a flicker of anger cross Blaine's face as Fred from the bank returned.

"The bank did very well today," he was saying as he started drinking his tea opposite us. "We took in some money, had the usual older customers checking their savings, a few accounts opened..." He carried on, completely oblivious to what he had disturbed, completely unaware that I wasn't in the least interested. Blaine and I barely spoke but Fred filled the silence easily and then the bell tinkled for Blaine's train and I froze.

"There's your train," I whispered to Blaine.

"Yes I know," he said sadly.

"Oh aren't you coming with us?" Fred asked jovially.

"No I go in the opposite direction, my practice is in Churley."

"Oh I see," Fred said.

"Dr Anderson is going out to Africa next week," I said.

"Oh how thrilling," he said.

The announcement for Blaine's train came and he looked at me, panicked at the thought of leaving without a proper goodbye, clearly deciding whether to get another train, to not leave at all. I looked at him sadly, knowing that this was how it was to end. He would have to leave. He got up and put his coat on.

"I must go," he said finally and I nodded, not able to say anything.

He said goodbye to Fred, shook his hand and I thought he might not say anything to me, but I suddenly felt his hand on my shoulder and he squeezed gently and I felt my eyes close against the tide of emotions threatening to overwhelm me. And then he walked away. Away out of my life forever.

"He's got to get right over the other side of the platform," Fred was saying and he laughed. Fred carried on talking but I wasn't listening. I was listening to the sound of his train on the platform, then I heard the whistle, then it departed. I said to myself he didn't go, at the last minute his courage failed him, he couldn't have gone. Any minute now he'll come back into the refreshment room, pretending he's forgotten something. I prayed for him to do that, just so I could see him again for an instant but the minutes went by and the tinkle of the bell indicated the express train was about to go through the station. Fred got up to get some chocolate.

As I heard the screech of the express as it approached the station, I suddenly felt overwhelmed, thoughts running through my head and I ran out to the platform, knowing I could easily throw myself there, end all this misery now. And I nearly did it but I stopped just short of the platform and felt the blast of steam wash over my face and mess my hair. I closed my eyes against it all.

I'd like to think it was the thought of Edith and the children that prevented me from doing it but it wasn't. I had no thoughts at all; only an overwhelming desire never to feel anything ever again. Not to be unhappy anymore.

I turned and went back into the refreshment room and carried on. I got on the train when it was time, followed diligently by Fred who continued to prattle on about the bank, asking inane questions about Blaine and his plans in Africa. I felt myself close my eyes against the rush of feelings and wanting it to end. I wished Fred would die, wished he would stop talking and eventually I asked him if he wouldn't mind if I tried to sleep. He apologised and I closed my eyes, never finding sleep but only wanting a moment to myself.

I wanted it all to end. I know that it can't last, this feeling of utter despair. This misery can't last. I must remember that and try to control myself. Nothing lasts really, neither happiness nor despair. Not even life lasts very long. There'll come a time in the future where I won't mind about all of this anymore and I can look back quite peacefully and cheerfully at how silly I was but no, no I don't want that time to come ever. I want to remember every minute, always, always until the end of my days.

I sit opposite Edith in my pleasant English house in this idyllic village and suddenly realise she is looking at me kindly, her cross stitch abandoned on her lap. She comes over to me and sits by my side, stroking my hand.

"You looked so far away Kurt," she was saying and I felt slowly like I was coming back and I could see the worry in her eyes.

"Whatever your dream was, it wasn't very pleasant was it?" she asked.

I imperceptibly move my head, neither a shake nor a nod, not sure how to describe my time with Blaine, so short, so sweet.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked. I shook my head no. Tears filled my eyes at her kindness and she would never know how much her simple statement meant and how lost and alone I felt.

"You've been a long way away," she said, "Thank you for coming back to me."