Chapter 3

I tossed and turned that night, sure I would disturb poor Edith but she slept soundly while I thought on about what I was doing and who I could hurt. I thought everyday about not going to see Blaine on that Thursday but I knew that I would, I couldn't help it. I already felt that pull, that hold he had on me and it was impossible to break.

I met Blaine that Thursday outside the hospital at 12.30 as agreed and he came bounding out to meet me, a grin on his face and his eyes twinkling. I had never seen him so happy. I suddenly felt young again, the years spent at the bank drifting away.

"I thought you might not come," he said as he clasped my hands in his, almost appearing to shake them as polite men would but holding them a little too earnestly for that. I smiled.

"I nearly didn't," I said honestly as we started walking to get lunch.

We went to a lovely hotel for dinner and it must have looked like a business lunch, both of us in our suits and ties. Looking around we were surrounded by male and female couples or groups of women but I decided not to care as we ate our lunch and chatted happily. Blaine decided to be decadent and order champagne and I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did that day. He told me stories of his university days and who he had studied with, even about a choir he belonged to called the Warblers and his face lit up, his eyes crinkled and alive. He had never looked more beautiful.

We left the hotel restaurant an hour or so later and laughed and joked, barely noticing anyone around us but suddenly I saw two ladies that I knew were close friends with Edith. They stopped as they saw me, their faces alight with recognition. I suddenly realised they had seen the whole exchange between Blaine and I, seen us share champagne and I barely thought up excuses quick enough. I decided to say that Blaine was an old friend of the family and that they surely knew both him and his wife, but of course I knew they would not.

"I do so envy you your champagne," Laura whispered, leaning a little too close to me as she passed and smiled.

Blaine decided to try to distract me from the irritating women, who liked to gossip and showed me the surprise he had managed that was waiting outside the hotel. It was a car that he had borrowed from Stephen, a doctor at the hospital, and we were to drive out to the country. I kept thinking of those women, laughing and talking, laughing and talking but Blaine tried to distract me again with idle chit chat in the car. I looked over at him after a while and I noticed his perfect profile, his straight nose, pursed lips and not for the first time I realised he was beautiful. I couldn't help but think it was utterly ridiculous for it to be a crime for me to admire this man.

We stopped off at a little village after a while and wandered over a bridge and admired the English beauty. The sun was trying to shine but not really succeeding though the wind was pleasant and the water lapped along the side nicely. We leant over, admiring the stillness and the fact that we were finally alone. I shivered and Blaine put his arm around me.

"Cold?" he asked.

"Not really," I said shrugging.

"Happy?" he asked, looking at me carefully, already fearing the answer.

"Not really," I said.

"I know what you're going to say," Blaine said, stilling holding onto my shoulders but looking out to the water, "That the furtiveness, the anxiety isn't worth it, that it outweighs any happiness we might have alone here."

"No, don't say that," I pleaded, "Don't say that."

"Is that what you think?"

"I think sometimes it is like that but other times when I look at your eyes or your smiling face or when you get so enthusiastic about medicine or music – I think then that such beauty, such admiration can't be a crime, can't be wrong and I just..." I wasn't allowed to finish. Blaine tugged me close and kissed me fiercely. My lips finally moved against his and I felt myself getting bolder amidst my declaration and I licked the corner of his mouth just slightly and Blaine opened his mouth wider, allowing our tongues to dance together and I had never known such pleasure. His hands were clutching me closer, feeling along my back and I felt myself pulled nearer. We kissed like that for several moments but eventually parted to breathe again. He looked so wrecked there on the bridge, his lips red from kissing and his eyes aglow with life. He took my breath away.

"You're beautiful Kurt," he whispered, "So beautiful."

xXx

We spent an age at the bridge, kissing and talking until we noticed the hours going by and decided to drive back to the station, dropping the car off at Stephen's garage. Blaine said that he had to drop the keys at Stephen's flat in town and he suggested that I come with him. I wanted to, I so desperately wanted to that there was a pause and I felt that pull again, invisible but so constricting. I thought back to those gossiping women at the hotel restaurant and I couldn't do it, I couldn't be discussed like that. I told Blaine I couldn't go.

He looked disappointed but we started the walk back to the station, our arms touching, our bodies as close as would be allowed in public. No one walked past, no one saw us and as we approached the tunnel underneath the station bridge Blaine suddenly turned to me, desperate and his eyes fiercely bright in the darkness, almost like a cat.

"I'm going back," he said, clinging to my arms, "I'm going back to Stephen's flat, I'm going to miss my train." He looked at me for what seemed like hours, imploring me with his eyes and as my gaze lowered to his lips, I felt my resolve crumple and we kissed again as a train stormed through the station above us. The loud whistle and the steam covered any gasps of pleasure, any murmurings between us but I knew I couldn't do what he wanted. As our lips parted I felt my face crumple.

"I can't Blaine, I'm sorry," I said and I walked briskly away, knowing that Blaine wouldn't follow me and I arrived at the station refreshment room soon after.

I sat there smoking and drinking my tea before my train arrived, my hands jittered, the cigarette ash sprinkling where it shouldn't and thoughts whirring through my head. I could hear Blaine's voice begging me to go with him, I could hear my train being announced, I could hear my voice reasoning with Blaine, explaining why I couldn't. I felt the pull towards Blaine but my rational mind had taken over and I ran to catch my train and I closed the door. I heard the announcements and I knew the pull was greater and I panicked at the thought of Blaine being there on his own and the waste of this opportunity. I left the train, startling the passengers in the carriage as I hastily explained I had left something behind.

I ran along the platform and under the tunnel, knowing Blaine would long ago have arrived at Stephen's flat. I didn't have time to think of my actions as I walked briskly to the flat, I only followed my heart, knowing I was done for.

I remembered the number from an earlier conversation with Blaine and I knocked. Blaine opened the door, his face almost comic in its rapid change. Looking sad as he opened the door, clearly expecting Stephen, seeing me his face lit up and he allowed me to enter quickly.

We exchanged small talk about the slight drizzle outside and how I had forgotten my umbrella and that my coat was wet. I didn't quite know what to do with myself now that I was here. I so desperately wanted him, wanted a touch, a kiss, anything to show I wasn't dreaming but we sat down and looked closely at each other.

"I got into the train and straight out again, wasn't that silly?" I said, laughing at myself.

"We're both very very silly," he said, leaning in closer until our lips met again, his warm lips against my cold. I could feel him move against me, his tongue suddenly mingling with mine in a slow sensual way. I gasped in pleasure as he untucked my shirt from my trousers and his warm hand stroked along my back. I had never known such pleasure. I found myself harden embarrassingly and brought my fingers to tug gently at the curls at the nape of his neck. He moaned rather loudly and pressed himself closer to me moving me back on the sofa so I lay on my back. I felt myself go undone when I could finally feel his erection hard against my leg. I had never wanted someone so much.

A key could be suddenly heard in the lock in the front door and we scrambled apart, immediately getting my things together.

"Quick I must go," I whispered and Blaine ushered me to the kitchen where there was a tradesman staircase. I bounded down the steps and Blaine closed the door behind me.

I had never felt more sordid, more pathetic as I tucked my shirt in properly and walked in the direction of the station, knowing I had missed my usual train and would have to explain myself to Edith. It was still raining but somehow I felt I deserved it and the rain helped to clear my head. I walked for a while aimlessly and then found a drug store where I could ring home, making some excuse to Edith about some poor lady needing my help. I said I wasn't sure when I would return but I would be sure to get the last train. It's awfully easy to lie when you are trusted so implicitly; so very easy and so very degrading.

I eventually walked to the war memorial and along the streets, empty at this time of night and it was only as I returned to the station, walking up the ramp and looking at the big clock above the platform, that I noticed I had been walking for three hours. I was fifteen minutes early for the last train so I entered the refreshments room and bought a drink.

I was sitting there as Blaine entered, looking harried and desperate and so relieved when his eyes alighted on mine.

"Oh thank god, I've been looking for you," he said, hurrying over to me. The waitress had gone out the back so we were alone.

"I think its best you leave," I said, not able to look at Blaine in the eye, knowing what I would find there.

"You can't mean that," he said sadly, so quietly.

"This can't continue, you know it can't continue," I said, still looking at my hands in front of me.

"You could really say goodbye, just like that?" he said.

"Yes, if you would help me," I said, knowing I sounded so pathetic.

There was a pause. I didn't want to, I could already feel that tug to get closer, to touch and feel Blaine next to me. I knew I couldn't be away from him, knew I couldn't really say goodbye, I had promised I would never say it.

"I love you Kurt," he said sadly, and I daren't look up, "I will always love you." He seemed to move away slightly and I felt my eyes drift towards his body. "I can't look at you now because I know something," he continued, "I know this is the beginning of the end. Not the end of my loving you but the end of our being together. But not quite yet, not quite yet," he begged and I finally looked at him, tears making his eyes shine in front of me.

"Not quite yet," I heard my voice echo and he looked relieved.

"I know you think it's sordid, this affair," he said, "I know you think we're cheating and you can't live with the guilt any longer. I feel the same but every time I look at you, or feel you near, I can't stop and..." His voice sounded choked and his eyes widened. "I'm going away soon," he said, "But not yet." And I suddenly felt panicked at the thought that he would leave and I echoed the phrase, "Not yet," hoping to keep him near, tugging him closer with my hands. The bell went for the last train and we were hurried out of the refreshments room by Beryl who wanted to lock up.

We wandered slowly to the platform, Blaine deep in thought before he leant closer to speak to me.

"Promise me you'll meet me next Thursday, I need to explain, I need to explain where I'm going."

"Where can you go?" I asked, "You can't leave your practice."

"I've had a job offered me, I wasn't going to take it but I know now it's the only way out."

"Where?"

"A long way away, Johannesburg." I gasped.

"My brother's out there and they're opening a new hospital and they want me in it. It's a fine opportunity really; I'll take Madeline and the boys. It's been talked of for quite a while but I never really considered it before. I haven't told anyone, not even Madeline. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you, but I see now it's got to happen anyway. I don't want you to start to hate me."

"I could never hate you," I said vehemently, "I hate that we've hurt so many people, I hate that I can't be with you properly." I sat down on the edge of the ramp, I suddenly felt so tired of it all.

"When do you go?" I asked.

"Almost immediately, two weeks."

"So close," I whispered, my throat constricted at the thought of him leaving, I couldn't do it.

"Do you want me to stay?" he said, begging, "I can turn down the offer, I can stay."

"No," I said sadly, "Take the offer."

"I'll do whatever you say."

"That's unkind of you my darling," I said, feeling tears trickle down my cheeks knowing that this loving man could never really be mine.

As the announcer declared the train was arriving Blaine walked me to the carriage and I got on the train, leaning out the window to carry on the conversation before the train took me away from Blaine.

"Forgive me?" Blaine asked.

"Forgive you for what?" I asked.

"For everything. For meeting you in the first place, for taking that piece of grit out of your eye, for loving you, for bringing you so much misery."

"I'll forgive you, if you forgive me," I said as the train sped away and he looked at me so beautifully from the platform, a single tear falling down his cheek.