Chapter 8
Song Used in this Chapter:  Sarah McLaughlin – Angel

“He said you weren't answering your cell phone all day and wanted to make sure all was good.  What level of good should I tell this Oliver, kiddo?”  Burt gives both boys the pointed look of the century and shoves the cordless phone into Kurt's hands before clapping his hand harshly down to Blaine's shoulder, laughing again at the spit on Blaine's face.  “You got a little something, Anderson.”  Burt brings his fingertips to the corner of his own mouth and raises an eyebrow.

Kurt sighs and looks at Blaine, who is eloquently wiping his mouth of the shared saliva.  The fumble with the phone is as graceful as Kurt could ever be under the circumstance, like it's burning him, then puts it to his ear with a grimace.  Blaine looks up at him and bites his bottom lip and twitches his mouth up into a sly smile.  Kurt can't take the torture, so he separates from him frantically and rushes upstairs.  “Hello?”

The beginning of the conversation between Kurt and his boyfriend is strained, to say the least.  Oliver apologizes obsessively, as if he won't let Kurt change the subject or hang up until he accepts it.  They speak of the aggravating trust issue Oliver seems to have, and Kurt accuses him of being spectacularly clingy.  It's not an accusation; it's a fact.  And it needs to stop.

He'd be happy to dump Oliver right here and now, but then he would be single and sleeping only a few feet away from Blaine.  He's not ready for that, so he decides to keep his boyfriend to act as a barrier between good and wrong. 

Despite Kurt dramatically stating that he can't have a serious relationship right now (but in his mind he means: ever, if the person interested is not Blaine Anderson) Oliver still professes his undying love for Kurt and this turns Kurt into a blabbering, nervous mess.  Although his feelings for Oliver are a lot less than love, Kurt feels bad for the situation at hand because he has now officially led someone on. Resistance is a common trait in his heart, but it shouldn't be for Oliver.  He knows nothing serious will ever come of this relationship and his resistance has only ever been because he's scared of falling too deep.  Case and point:  Blaine Anderson.  “Oliver, I… Oli, I'm just, I don't-”

“I know, Kurt.  I want you to mean it when you do say it back.”  Oliver sighs audibly.

The thing is, though, he doesn't want to love Oliver, maybe ever and certainly not any time soon with the real love of his life lingering patiently downstairs.  Kurt listens to Oliver's silence; he's waiting for whatever else he needs to say as he racks his brain with ways he could stop comparing.  When Oliver remains silent, Kurt sighs.  “Well, I should go.  It's still Thanksgiving and I'm being rude to my family.”

“You ran to him when I asked you not to.”

Kurt flops down on his bed in distress.  Will this conversation ever be over?  “I thought he was dead, Oliver.  I came to a person who needed me.”

“Would that be so bad?  If he had died?”

Kurt blinks, shifting his eyes around his bedroom.  He has shared his past with Oliver, at least in enough detail that he's sure he knows full well about the deaths of his mother and Finn.  Because of this, Kurt concludes that Oliver might not have a heart at all.

“For your information, I would be absolutely destroyed if Blaine died.  I don't even want to entertain the idea.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  I need to go.”

“You're being very selfish here, Kurt.  I miss you.  I'm your boyfriend, not him.”

“Yes, well… you didn't roll over in an SUV all because I suggested you go reconnect with someone who's never even meant anything to you before.  I am guilty in this and I will be staying here until he's fully healed.  Probably even longer than that, as a matter of fact, so you should probably remember your Skype password if you want to see me between now and the end of December, at least.”

“You're not coming back?”

“You swear you love me, yet you wish for another person in my life whom I love to disappear forever all so you can have more of me?  If I'm being honest, I think you're jealous that he is my family, despite the years of history I have with him.  I don't think I can talk to you right now.  I'm going to go.”

“You said you love him?  Blaine?”

“Oliver.”  Oops.  Kurt did say that, didn't he?  “Yeah.  Of course I do.”

Well, it's not really a secret.  Anyone who knows them both well enough knows that it's a tether of a string and each of them holds one end.  Anyone can see that Blaine has Kurt's heart.  As a matter of fact, it's still lying on 70th and Broadway, idle until Blaine returns to snatch it up before a wild animal gets to it. 

Kurt imagines the wild animal gnawing at it with fangs sharper than blades is Oliver Ellington, and Blaine will soon show up a little too late, frantic to smooth out the jagged edges after he's ripped it out of Oliver's mouth, teeth marks and all.

“You called him after I proposed.”

“He's my best friend.  Putting aside the fact that we dated in the past, he is still the person I want to tell everything.  That's a huge thing to keep from your best friend.”

“He's probably the one who talked you out of it.”

“He's the only one who knows my reasoning behind not wanting to get married, Oliver.  Stop this petty bullshit.  Seriously, it's not attractive.”

“He flew across the country to get you back and now you're… best friends with your ex-boyfriend.  I just, I'm not stupid, Kurt.”

“I desperately want to be over him, Oliver.  Believe me, but-”

“But you're not.”

“He is the only person I had ever loved like that.”  Kurt tries to say it as an excuse; it comes out as a revelation.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?  Would you rather him or me?”

“Oliver.”  Kurt knows he's using Oliver.  He sighs.  “I like you, I just… I don't know.  It's a process for me.  We've only been dating a few months.”  Kurt laughs awkwardly.  He's not sure how to get out of this conversation.  He knows exactly how his future with Oliver will go; he knows it will end sooner than later but he wouldn't dare say that now.  “Why are you trying to rush it?”

“Fine... Whatever.  Forget I said anything.”

Kurt releases the air in his lungs.  “So, how was your Thanksgiving, anyway?  Do you even celebrate it?”

They speak amicably for a few more minutes before Kurt politely excuses himself, lying that his family is begging him to watch a movie downstairs.  He hangs up and sighs a deep breath laced with regret of ever letting Blaine go to California in the first place. 

He needs to stay with Oliver, if only to not demonstrate a single life anywhere near Blaine.  He can't be with Blaine again until they're both ready for the intensity of it all and for the first time since they broke up, he feels like he understands the answer to the age-old question he's asked himself since: why can't I just be with Blaine again?

“Huh.  Because I'm not ready for the inevitable yet.”

xK&Bx

It's not that Blaine is mad; he really has no right to be.  He knows he's friend-zoned for the time being and he's fine with that if it's how it has to be to keep Kurt safe and happy.  However, he can't help but think he can hear the mumbles of desperation in Kurt's voice as he climbs the stairs. 

Ever since the “husband” stint at the hospital, he's wanted Kurt back in the worst way and his heart is slowly deteriorating as he remembers the way Kurt singlehandedly turns Blaine's brain off when he needs a distraction, and he's the only one who really knows Blaine at all.  He gets a shivering chill at that; there's no one else in his life that will ever be in so deep.

Burt is staring at him as he works through his inner monologue and he really can't face the fatherly lecture right now or ever, so he follows in Kurt's footsteps and finds his way to Finn's room where he closes the door for some Blaine and Blaine time, all by himself and his laptop and whatever old Disney movie he can dig up. 

He hears the muffled laugh come from next door as Kurt and his boyfriend catch up on the phone, discussing whatever the fuck they need to discuss.  Blaine hastily finds his headphones and blasts them until his eardrums can't take the volume anymore.  Pausing after the Circle of Life scene of his favorite movie ever, he stares at his computer screen.  The stampede isn't visible yet, just a gathering of everyone who cares to see the newborn king.  He identifies with any of the several animals off-screen, effortlessly trying to keep up and get a glimpse.

All goes silent and the vibration of his brain is quietly cursed with the buzz of the headphones still lodged in his ears.  There's a soft knock at the door, then Kurt's glistening eyes peaking through the crack of Finn's door and a half-sorry smile that can only be by way of apology. 

“Blaine?  Am I intruding on your privacy?”  Kurt tries to be funny; he sees the screen of his laptop seconds before he asks the question so he mimics Scar's voice as much as he can. 

Blaine sits up and removes his headphones, smiling back in a sheepish way.  “No, come in.” 

Kurt pushes the door open further and lets himself inside.  “Hey.  You look so… subdued.  Not Blaine.”

Blaine only shrugs after throwing his headphones down on the ground next to the bed, a stilled Rafiki showing the world their brand new baby king.

“Blaine.  If you can't handle just being friends-”

“No.  No Kurt, I'm fine; it's fine.  I know you have him.  I'm just being immature seeing you with someone else for the first time.  I'll get used to it, I swear.”

“You're sure?  Friendships are not supposed to break people's hearts.”

“Just something to get used to.  Sorry, I'm going to stop kissing you.”  He smiles at Kurt.  “I'm sorry about that, I couldn't help myself.” 

Kurt laughs and sits on the edge of the bed.  “Our little secret?  Well, you and me… and Dad.  Who will probably try to warn us into the consequences of cheating in less than a half hour, but it's not going to happen again, right?  At least not for-”

“Won't happen again.”

“Okay.”  He stands and claps his hands once.  “So, I'm going to go get some more tiramisu for us because calories don't count on holidays, and then maybe we can watch the rest of The Lion King cuddled on Finn's bed?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I definitely need to moisturize tonight.”

“You don't need to, but I'm gonna go get your pretty boy cream anyway so you can do it in here and I can watch, and you get the tiramisu.  The Lion King awaits.”

Kurt nods.  “You, BFF, are a genius.”  He skips away and downstairs and Blaine can hear him humming The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

Blaine giggles and nods, singlehandedly forced into a better mood at just the sparkle of Kurt's eyes.  It's incredible, the way Blaine is affected by way of Kurt Hummel and Kurt Hummel alone.  He runs next door and starts going through Kurt's suitcase in search for the cream but comes into contact with something much less desirable.  His curiosity gets the best of him and unfolding it nearly rips the fragile softness of the Starbucks napkin.

Somehow, he reads through the whole suicide note without a need to stop and take a minute.  Phrases like my time without you and I want to die physically pop off of the napkin, sending Blaine down into the dark space Kurt must have been in to write this.  He lifts his head and stares at the open door without really seeing it, knowing that Kurt is bound to find him when he doesn't return after a few long, excruciating minutes with a bottle of expensive anti-aging moisturizer. 

I love you more than you know repeats as a chant in Blaine's head.

He feels the prickling behind his eyes, each socket slowly filling with unshed tears until his vision is a series of blurred lines and colors blending in a way that can't possibly focus, sharp fragments of glass and forks and ends of barbed wire poked and prating his entire body to the point of comatose numbness, waiting for his living, breathing, perfect Kurt to come back to him alive and well, and explain the blasphemy that lives in this letter.  Each word on the stupid napkin is a twist of the knife lodged in the center of Blaine's self-inflicted core. 

He drives the letter straight to the floor.  He stomps at each piece and drills a hole with the ball of his foot deeply into the core of the earth, or at least into Kurt's bedroom floor.  He falls in front of the shreds and shapes them into a ball and throws it as hard as he can, trying his best to turn it to dust.  It's got no substance, both figuratively and literally, so the three times he picks it up and sends it back down do no good; it floats majestically down to the floor every time.

His entire relationship with Kurt surfaces right there before his eyes as his forehead kisses the carpet and he bites his lip so hard to prevent screaming that it starts to bleed.  

Blaine knows he needs to save him, keep him alive, maintain his survival, be there for him every step of the way until he is well again and for the rest of their lives.  Blaine laughs bitterly at the realization that it was always Kurt helping Blaine when, in actuality, it was Kurt who was the ticking time bomb.

He needs to remember that Kurt is more than this.  It's hard, though, as visions of Kurt with a pair of scissors or a bottle of pills is so vivid, Blaine is second-guessing his supernatural abilities to see things that may or may not have happened.

There's a soft, single knock on the door that carries Blaine's interest, but only until he sees the confused yet happy look on Kurt's face.  He immediately drives his line of vision back to the rug beneath him and shakes his head no no no, attempting and failing terribly to catch his breath.  He's been crying, that much is clear, and he can't hide the feeling of absolute failure to save someone that only he could have saved.

“Blaine?  After years with me, I know you know the difference between… what is-” He falls to the floor on his knees in front of him and gasps when he realizes, when he knows exactly what it is.  “Jesus.”  He extends his knees and lets himself plop next to Blaine.  “Honey, I-”

Blaine can feel the stare burning a hole into his heart but doesn't dare look him in the eye.  He had let him down; he doesn't deserve to see the beauty for himself. 

“Blaine, look at me.  I didn't even know that was in there.”

“Kurt, please.”  His voice is caving in, pitiful, affected by every written word.  He throws himself up on his feet and looks at Kurt, studying him, the way he blinks.  “I just need a minute.”  Blaine races out of Kurt's bedroom and into his, slamming the door and locking it behind him.  He fires himself belly-down onto the mattress and screams into the pillow, punching and flailing for the next hour and a half until his exhaustion takes him over and he slips into a fitful nap.

xK&Bx

When he wakes, Blaine is groggy and his crying-headache throbs like he's embarking in a lifelong hangover.  He swallows the next set of tears and forces himself to get up.  He needs to find Advil, and quick.

He swings the door open and steps directly onto a soft piece of flesh.  Tripping over the ball of body at his doorstep, his face meets hardwood floor.  Blaine lies there for a second, groaning in pain.  “Shit.”

He props himself up and turns backward to see Kurt just springing to his feet.  He was clearly fast asleep at Blaine's door three seconds prior. 

“Kurt?  What are you doing?”

“You locked your door.  I must have fallen asleep waiting for you to open it.”

Blaine rolls over on his back and sits up, rubbing his head where it hit. 

Kurt tilts his head.  “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.  I wasn't watching where I was going.”  Blaine rises.  “Sorry.”

Kurt's wordless response is a tight hug.  They connect physically and it's a feeling of completion, like one half was missing for so long and they're finally whole again, the both of them as one.  Kurt is gripping Blaine's wrist, cutting off circulation at the artery which is ironic because Blaine's sure he's actually stopping the blood to his broken heart at this very second.  That would be appropriate… all things considered. 

“I didn't think-” He lets out all of his air and slips his hand into Blaine's, dangling their fingers together, connected finger-to-finger and wrist-to-wrist.  “Blaine, you were not supposed to find that.”

“But I did. And-”

“And you can't help but think that it's all your fault.  You should know that I wasn't planning to use it… anymore.” 

Blaine shrugs and allows Kurt to lead him back to his bedroom.  They head straight to the bed without consultation from the other.  Lying close feels… nice.

Blaine grunts and rests his head on the pierce of Kurt's collarbone.  “I'm really mad at you.”  He pouts.  He feels like a child.

“I know you are.”  Kurt brushes some of Blaine's curls out of his face.  “You have a bump on your head.”

Blaine fishes his hand out from under Kurt and dabs at his head, shamelessly checking for blood.  “Is that letter all you were going to leave me with?”  He places his head back on Kurt's shoulder and hugs around his waist with his arm.

“Yeah, I guess it was.  But it doesn't matter, the plans aren't… I'm not-”

Blaine sits up and folds his legs under his torso, staring at Kurt all the while as he repositions himself on his back and folds at the waist to face him.

“Four years in a serious relationship, the worst breakup in the history of terrible breakups, and I get a letter about how you wish it could be different?”

“And this is why I never gave it to you.”

“No, you never gave it to me because you never went through with killing yourself, Kurt!”  He leans the palms of his hands on Kurt's Indian-styled knees and tilts his head.  “What were you thinking, Kurt?  Fuck!”

“When I followed you to the condo and you were playing that song, I knew you still had hope and that gave me hope so although I said goodbye to you that night, I called off the plans.  I had already pushed them back a few times by then anyway; I had originally planned to do it the day after he proposed.  I wrote that letter to you about twenty minutes after I ran out of the park, and right before I called you.”

“And then what?”

“You answered your phone.  Without ever being aware, you saved my life.”  Kurt has the decency to shrug.

“I knew there was something wrong.”  He responds, as though he's being accused of something terrible, like saving Kurt's life.  “You hadn't been in touch for so long prior, and I just knew it was you, seeing that unknown number.  What if I decided that you weren't worth answering anymore or something?”

“Then I would have gone through with my decision to kill myself, because a world where you don't think I'm worth it… it's hardly a world to live in, B.”  Kurt shrugs again.  “That night in the condo, you know that saying… if you love something, let it go?  It's what I did with you, and here you are anyway.  I had a pretty good feeling that we were meant to be, but I just had to make sure.”

“Kurt.”  Blaine looks up at him through his lashes and although his heart isn't in it entirely, he smiles.  “That is seriously risky business you were playing.  It's not a fucking game, but I get it.  I really can't do this without you either.  But baby, you can't just… decide to die because things aren't going your way.”

Kurt picks up both of their hands, still a tangled mess and kisses the back of them.  “I'm not going anywhere, not anymore.  You stopped it, whether you realize it or not.”

“What the hell are we doing, Kurt?  How is this any different from when we were together?” 

“Everything we've ever done has always been so intense.”

“Understatement of your life and you know it.”

Kurt intertwines their fingers together tighter and rests their hands down on his lap.  ”Let me have this half-ass relationship with Oli for a while?  I don't know what happens next, but I know that I need a chance to just fuck around for a bit.  I've never had that, not once.”

“That is not what you need.”

“I know I said that I wasn't ready for him to be serious, but what I meant was that I'm not ready for a serious relationship with anyone… even you, right now.  It's simple to train him to refrain from it because he's never had it before with me.  It'll be too easy for you and I to fall back into our old ways, and I'm not ready for that yet.  Please.”

“Do you remember the night you came back to the Bean after your little date thing and you bent me over the counter, the night we got together for real?  Before you fucked me senseless…” Blaine grins.  He can't seem to get enough of the blush rising high on Kurt's cheeks. “You checked in with me before the sex and you kissed the tip of my nose. Kurt, seconds before you fucked me until I was numb… you were making sure I was okay.  That whole night… it was an oxymoron.”

“I have such an intellectual crush on you.  My adorable little English major.”

“Mmmm.  Want me to teach you all sorts of language rules?”

They stare at each other, breathing in the moment, and wordlessly pick up each other's pieces.  Blaine quickly decides that they've become even closer because of this one conversation they desperately needed to talk out anyway. 

Kurt steals him from his train of thought by saying the only words that matter.  “This is why I'm in love with you.”

Blaine smiles at him.  “Why?”

“I just said that I'm not ready for whatever we're destined to be yet and you accepted it.  You've matured so much since twenty-thirteen, Blaine.  I loved you back then; don't get me wrong.  But this version of you?  I'm pretty sure you've evolved into perfection.”

“I'm not perfect, pretty.”

“And to think that I thought you were five years ago, if only for being obsessed with me.  I secretly loved that, you know.” 

“I was definitely infatuated with you back then… after you saved me from jail, after you hired me to keep me on point with probation… but that was the night I saw a life with you as a possibility.  Not just a life, but… growing old with you.  Or… catching up to your age while you wait patiently for me, anyway.”  Blaine bumps his shoulder with Kurt's.  “None of this losing you after only a couple of years due to a swift slit of the wrist or some shit.”

Kurt smiles.  “Mmmm.  See?  Intense.  You were eighteen.”

“Yeah, but… Kurt, that's our dynamic; it's what we are.  How can it not be intense when we both love each other as deeply as we do?”

“A happy medium.  It should all be hills and valleys.  Only intense when it needs to be overwhelming.”

“Or maybe it should just be what it's destined to be?  Stop trying to alter what's supposed to happen.”

“Hey.  You moved, not me.”

“Fine.”  There's a beat.  “You were on the road to kill yourself and fate somehow put me in your way to give you hope or whatever and you are still resisting the fact that we're meant to be.  You know it; I know it.  Stop fucking around and be with me.”  He says it so desperately; he almost cringes from the sound of his voice.  “Sorry, babe.  I do accept that you're not ready.  I guess I just don't understand why.”

Blaine watches as Kurt wrings together his own fingers, a nervous gesture he's been catching a lot of lately.

“B, I am begging you to wait for me.  In the grand scheme of things, a few months aren't anything at all.”

“But in the moment, they're everything.”  Impatient teenager: that's all Blaine will ever be to Kurt, he's sure of it.  “Look, I believe in us and if you don't-”

“Okay, Socrates.  Chill out for a minute and just sit here with me.  We end up together; you know that.  You said it yourself.  Fifty years from now, we'll be laughing about this exact conversation, right?  You said that.”

Blaine huffs and rolls his eyes.  “But how long do I have to wait to continue my life with you?”

“Oh, I don't know.”  Kurt shrugs and grins when Blaine rolls his eyes harder as a response.

Blaine mumbles.  He's back in his teenage mindset, if only for a moment.  “I hate you.”

“And I love you!”  Kurt attacks Blaine's cheek with a thousand kisses.  “Hey.”  He looks into Blaine's eyes and tilts his head.  “I'm fine now, promise.  You made me fine and all you did was show your presence and bam, you saved my life.  You did that.  Not Oliver, not my dad, not anyone in New York.  That was all you.”

Blaine laughs and pulls away.  “I'm getting whiplash with all my feelings and… let's accept the situation as it is for now.  Deal?”

“Aww, best baby boyfriend ever.”

“I'm not your boyfriend, Hummel.”  Blaine springs up and holds out his hand to help Kurt up. 

“Keep thinking about those times I fucked you senseless, then, Anderson.”  He launches up, teasing and grinning.

“Oh my God.  You kiss your father with that mouth?”

“Hell no, he doesn't.”  Burt cackles, clearly taking pride in watching Kurt turn an entirely different shade of red, one that's never been seen before.  “Boys.”

Kurt and Blaine stare at Burt, big and scary, and actually sort of intimidating right now.  Blaine innocently slips his arm around Kurt's.  He needs the protection.

“Sit!”

They comply immediately.  Blaine goes to the computer chair and dangles his legs over the arm, sitting sideways with his ass at the edge of the cushion.  Kurt sits Indian-styled on the corner of the bed.  Burt attaches his fists to his hips and stares at them both. 

“Burt, before you say anything.  What you saw downstairs before was a total miscommunication on my part.  We talked about it and it won't happen again.”

“That's good, kid.  If that's what you two want, whatever makes you happy.  I'm actually here to talk about something a little more serious than that.”

“What's up, Dad?”  Kurt gets nervous.  “Is everything okay?”

“I just got an email from the Warden at Lucasville.”

“Fuck.  He's getting out early?”  Blaine guesses.

“No, son.  He's um… shit.  He was beaten to the last inch of his life last night and he's in critical condition at the hospital there.”

“Oh!  Well, that's convenient.”  He looks at Kurt and shrugs.  “At least I won't have to do it when he gets out.  Thanks, Burt.  I'm gonna… there's Coke downstairs, yeah?”  Blaine gets up and rushes down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he quickly finds himself struggling with a stupid, sweaty can of Coke.  He slams it down on the counter and leans over it, balancing his head in his hands and his elbows on the granite. 

xK&Bx

Kurt gives him a few minutes to process then heads downstairs to settle the pit in Blaine's stomach; Kurt's sure there must be one.  “Blaine.”  Kurt looks at him, trying to convey the seriousness he means as he takes the soda can and pops the top with ease, putting it back on the counter so hopefully Blaine will realize it's there.  “Honey, you-”

Blaine stands up straight and folds his arms, soda and counter clearly forgotten.  “Kurt, please.  Honestly, I don't really care, but it's just making me think about that one time when he beat you up and that's why I'm upset.  He sent the only person I've ever loved to the hospital in critical condition.  Maybe by him being there, he'll be able to feel half of what we went through.”

“Blaine.  Revenge is not-”

“No!  Fuck him.  I hope he dies.”  Kurt experiences the burn from Blaine's glare as he opens his mouth to say something and closes it quickly.  “I just… he was never what I needed in a dad so I really don't care.”

“He's still your father, babe.” 

“There is a difference between a dad and a father.  I don't expect you to understand, Kurt; I'm happy you don't, actually.  Burt is amazing.”

Burt pats Blaine on the shoulder; it appears that he's heard the whole conversation.  “The Warden suggested that you might want to think about visiting him at the hospital, for closure.  It really doesn't look good.”

“I'll consider it.  Thanks, Burt.”

“Okay… goodnight, boys.”  Burt seems apprehensive to leave but eventually turns and disappears back up the stairs.

“B?”

“Pretty, I really don't want to talk about it.  I need to go call my brother, and I'm still processing our conversation about me saving your life or whatever the fuck.  So if you don't mind-”

“I'll come with you to the hospital if you want.”

“No you won't.  Even if I were to go, I would not bring you.  I can't subject us to all of that again, especially at Thanksgiving.  Okay?  I love you for trying to be strong for me but I really don't need that.  Not from you.”

“I can protect myself, and I want to be there... for you.”

“This isn't fucking about you, Kurt!”  Blaine yells and draws back when Kurt shakes in alarm.  He brings his voice down to normal.  “I'm sorry.  Fuck, I'm so sorry.  Look, if I saw him again, I think I would just kill him myself.”

“I'll go with you.  I'll hold you back.  I'll keep you grounded.”

“I don't want to talk about it, Kurt.”

“Try me.”

“You are the most frustrating… I couldn't fall in love with an easy, little boy who listens to me when I say no, huh?”

Kurt raises his eyebrows and tilts his head. 

Blaine sighs and continues.  “Look.  Every bad decision I've ever made was somehow related to him and I can't really deal with the pressure of a possible trigger in your brain.  This is what it does to me, conversations about him… it makes me freak out completely and the hatred I have for him becomes uncontrollable and I just want to die so I don't have to feel it anymore.”

Kurt stares at him, wide-eyed with his mouth gaped open just a bit.  “You're carrying around a lot of unnecessary guilt, Blaine.”

“You think?” Blaine shoots him a signature bitch face he could have only learned from Kurt Hummel himself.

“Okay.  Here's what we're gonna do.”  Kurt approaches, getting dangerously close, and places his hand on the small of Blaine's back.  “I'm gonna get you upstairs and I'll tuck you into bed and then I'll disappear for a while.  Give you some space?  Okay?”

“Kurt, I'm sorry.  I just…” He lets out a deep sigh and shrugs. 

Kurt feels the burn in his throat and he knows he's about to break down any second as he leads Blaine back up the stairs and into his room.

Kurt can only smile at him and go along with his promise.  He leads the beautiful, broken boy up the stairs and forces him under the covers.  He kisses the top of his head and disappears.

xK&Bx

Immediately following the closed door in front of him, Blaine breaks.  His soul is fractured, drowning in the detached and frozen feeling he's found at the mere mention of Christian Anderson. 

He can't feel sorry for himself anymore, regardless of how many walls suffocated him in his earlier years or how intensely he wishes Christian dead after all these years.  This is the hand of cards he's been dealt and rather than regret how he's turned out, he embraces the fact that he's currently in the house of the one person who can drag him out of this. 

To fix is to be broken, so he clears the desk swiftly, sending his laptop, phone, and a few empty Coke cans plummeting to the ground below him.  Bending at the waist, he picks up the cans and smashes them against the wall, one by one and the next with more force than the last.

“Fuck you!  You fucking piece of shit!  You'll never die; you'll outlive all of us, I know it!”  Blaine falls to the ground and cradles his own head against the side of the mattress and sobs, wishing death on Christian and anyone the prick has ever loved. 

Five minutes pass before he's stable again.  He rids himself of his pride and he knocks on the door where Kurt is pointedly waiting out the panic attack and lets himself in with just a warning.  Blaine smiles at the realization of Kurt just knowing when to give him a minute. 

xK&Bx

Kurt grunts minutely to push his door open and falls facedown on his bed.  He cries quietly as he listens to the destruction of fire and fury of Blaine's soul next door.

His door creaks as it opens and turquoise meets gold.  Blaine is the epitome of tiny and broken boy with nowhere to turn except home as he sinks onto the mattress and into Kurt's arms.

“Be with me, pretty boy.”

“Blaine, I-”

Blaine takes his hand and intertwines their fingers as his other hand finds its way to the dark circles under Kurt's eyes.  Blaine's thumb swipes to dry his tears and he says,  “Just lie here with me.” 

Kurt watches as he positions himself better, shuffling all the way over to cuddle up against the wall.  His nose is inches from touching it and he makes a point to hug into himself around his own waist.  Kurt is watching diligently, Blaine must know, so he is sure to say his words a bit more pronounced than he normally would without a wall in his face.  “I need you, Kurt.”

Kurt's breath hitches.  He shifts his weight and squeezes around Blaine's chest, palming it possessively.  There are chaste kisses placed on Blaine's back, and that's all that Kurt can do to comfort him tonight. 

They lie together silently, no movement to a single muscle, entirely in sync and aligned in their thoughts within each other. 

They're totally synchronous until Blaine uncharacteristically, at least for today, giggles.  Kurt raises an eyebrow, which only causes an adorable bark of laughter and a snort immediately following it.

Blaine's laugh is contagious.  Kurt's shoulders vibrate with a mute laugh and love in his eyes. “What is wrong with you?”

Blaine turns in Kurt's arms and grins.  The words of the song he sings through giggles should not be such a surprise to Kurt.

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Kurt stares at Blaine with a straight face and then breaks down into sincere giggles.  “You are the cheesiest.”

“Still love it?”

“Always.”  He squeezes at Blaine's waist again, instructing him to turn back around and enjoy the cuddles. 

“Pretty?”

“Mmm.”

“What do you think about all of this?”

“Of your dad getting beat up?”  Kurt can't help but nibble a bit at Blaine's ear; it's right there.  “I'm surprised it took this long, and I'm really happy someone else did it because that means you don't have to go fuck up your life.  And your fists are still in pretty good condition.”

Blaine hums; he's clearly considering the wording of the next question.  “Um, if you were me, would you go see him?”

“I can't answer that for you, Blaine.”

“I mean… if you were me, and your family situation was mine and your dad almost killed the person you loved just for, just for loving… would you go to visit him on his death bed or would you just… forget about everything and move on?”

“I would go, because I personally wouldn't be able to move on without the closure.”  There's a beat.  “Think of it like this… if he's in critical condition like they say, he probably wouldn't be able to say much anyway.”

“I have a feeling his pain tolerance is… the hospital says it's critical condition but for him, it's just a paper cut on his knuckle.”

“I'll have you know those hurt like a bitch.”

“Uh huh.”  Blaine smiles.

“When will you understand that I'm not leaving you alone in any of this?”

“I do know that, pretty.”  Blaine gets up and sits Indian-styled on the mattress.  “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Oh, that's easy.”  Kurt follows suit.  “Because I love you.”

This isn't a surprise, but Blaine tilts his head and wills away the tears anyway.

“You do know that, don't you?”

“No matter what?  Even if I decide not to go see him?”

“In my eyes, Blaine Anderson can do no wrong.  Not anymore.”

“Mmmm.”

“This does not give you a free pass to do whatever you want.”

Blaine gives him a pointed look and rolls his eyes.  “Do you understand why I'm apprehensive to see him?”

“No.  But I don't have to.  This is your life we're talking about, and if you don't want to go then you don't have to go.  Keep in mind, though… once he's gone, that's it.  There's no wishing him back, as much as you think that you would never need him around.  There may come a day years down the road when you just want to say something to him, good or bad, and he won't be there.”  Kurt takes Blaine's hand and squeezes.  “Don't regret not making your words spoken.”

“I know you're speaking from experience, but I'm sure your mom was so much better than Christian.  No offense or anything, but you don't have any experience in this particular issue I am dealing with.” 

“You don't have to think about it now.  Just… let's nap and think about it later.”

“Pretty.”

“Mmmm?”

“Try not to have too many nightmares tonight?  It breaks my heart when… I'm right here, okay?”

“Love you, B.  Get some sleep.”

“I love you, pretty.”

They're fast asleep before there's another breath of response, snuggled into each other with each piece of their hearts on their sleeves.