Chapter 5

August

“I think he's trying to break some sort of world record.”

“There's no other reasonable explanation, unless-”

“Kindly shut the fuck up.  I'm right here.”  Blaine whips his head around to glare at Jimmy and Steve, the couple he loves to hang out with but hates to see together. 

They remind him of the good times with Kurt. 

He latches his hands to the hips of the boy situated in front of him and pulls him back tighter and more possessively.  He starts to suck at his neck.

“Seriously, B.  This is what?  Number five of the night?”

Blaine sighs.  “Only one gets to come home, though.”

At that, the guy receiving all the pleasure turns around in his arms.  “Can we go?”

“You don't get to make that decision for me, baby.”  Blaine pushes him away.  “Have a lovely evening.”  He stalks toward the bar, fully aware that Jimmy and Steve are trailing him intently.  He orders a drink from the bartender and leans against the lip of the bar waiting for it.  He smiles when he sees Jimmy do the same, except slotted between his legs is Steve.  “You guys are disgustingly in love.  Get out of my face.”

Jimmy laughs.  “Come on, man!”

“I think you'd make a great serious boyfriend, Blaine.  Underneath the armor, that is.”  Steve smiles.  “Haven't you ever been in love?”

“I have.”  I am.  “Then it was over and it hurt a lot.  So I'd rather… not.  Again.”  Blaine rolls his eyes and takes a long swig of his beer.

“Shut the fuck up.  You've had a serious boyfriend?”  Jimmy seems astounded; definitely impressed that Blaine had ever been able to commit to more than one night.

“Yep.”

“Elaborate, asshole.”

“There's not much to say.”  There's so much to say.  Blaine tries to keep it short. He can't allow himself to think about Kurt for too long. “I met him when I was in high school.  He's um, a lot older than me and we… moved in together during my senior year, we moved to New York together when I got into college there.  Now, I'm here and he's there.”

“What happened?”  Steve wonders out loud. 

Blaine really doesn't want to talk about it.  “New York is poisonous.”

“Wait, so when you were in New York a few weeks ago…”

“His current boyfriend proposed to him.  I was there trying to convince him to take me back.”

“Didn't work?”

“Didn't work.”  Blaine takes the rest of his beer in his mouth, swishes, and swallows.

Steve sighs.  “Come on, honey.  We'll find you a nice fuck for tonight.”

Blaine laughs.  “Thanks.”

xK&Bx

September

It's still practically summer, but it is undoubtedly pumpkin season in New York for Kurt and the coffee shop.  It takes everything in him not to call Blaine home if only for the opportunity of his own, personal focus group with an added bonus of a possible reconciliation.  He was so used to that when they were together, always testing new recipes on Blaine – the ultimate coffee enthusiast. 

Blaine never called, so Kurt can only imagine it's not yet “appropriate.”  He still has hope… he has to.

Kurt is emerged back into his routine from Lima, waking at five forty-five almost every single morning for the sake of yet another coffee shop.  If he allows himself to think hard enough about it, he's unsure how he's supposed to feel about having a routine without Blaine to wake up next to; he still can't get used to it.  Every morning of waking up alone is just proof that they have drastically drifted, and one day they'll both wake and feel nothing.  That's the day that it'll have all been unworthy. 

He sits up in bed, blinking sleep out of his eyes, and grabs his phone to shut the alarm off.  A vivid dream that comes back into focus proves that he shouldn't sleep alone, and shows him exactly what he subconsciously thinks of himself:  terrible, unforgiving, selfish.  He wants to make a change and knows exactly who he wants to change for, but it is unfortunately not the right time just yet.

Kurt's been thinking about the quality of a person a lot lately.  The “easier said than done” act of forgiveness exists to remain decent in a world of fucked up mistakes and fine, maybe the people who make them can't always control it because they're so overwhelmed with the reasons of why they might have been put in that situation to do wrong in the first place.  He realizes now that Blaine is the one person he can't live without but not yet as a boyfriend, as a person in his life at any other capacity.  He knows that Blaine made a mistake not so much in leaving, but not discussing it with Kurt first and although he frequently wonders how he could have left him that way, he does need some sort of deeper explanation, even if it's two full years after the event.  They are unfortunately exes for a reason and if there's any chance of achieving happiness with one another again, Kurt's plan is to start over and go slow and ask for the truth.

He sighs, nodding to himself and officially deciding that he'll decipher the details of the stupid, reoccurring dream later – when he doesn't have to think about anything else in the world for a while and when he doesn't need to retreat to the front of the shop to say a quick hello to his regular customers and help his coffee team with whatever they need.  He stops for milk on the way; he prefers to buy the dairy products in small batches a few times a week instead of a larger supply to get them through.  He thrives on the greatest quality supplies he can find and this used to bleed into his relationships.  It's only the best of the best for Kurt Hummel, always.

God, he wishes the best version of Blaine were here to help him with life; they always made such a great team and to be frank, he's been missing him so much lately.  He wants to make it better with him but he's unsure if it will all be considered a black hole of despair if they both try and fail again.  He can't go through a breakup of that magnitude twice; he'd never survive it.

Unlike the diner he left behind in Manhattan after Blaine left him in Manhattan, the new Lima Bean is located in Bushwick and is a business he owns solely because he wants to, not because he promised a competitive salary to Santana to coerce her to move to New York again.  It's a warm, honey-colored brick building that Kurt was able to afford with his profit from selling the diner only out of heartbreak, keeping the profit and not giving a damn about it at the time.  In lieu of lyrics on each glittered table this time, Kurt opted for dried flowers pressed behind the glass overlay of each chic, black table spread throughout the shop.  Naturally, each flower means something to him.  He places Calla Lilies in memory of his mother, clovers for Finn, and Bleeding Hearts, of course, for his Blaine.  They're all arranged differently under each pane of glass and the best part is that no one in the entire world knows why each flower is there outside of decoration.  Kurt always has a deeper meaning to everything, and he always thinks out each detail of his shops, as demonstrated back in Lima, at the diner, and now at the new Brooklyn Bean in New York City.

He pushes ruthlessly at the door with his shoulder, struggling to keep it open for the prolonged time it takes to step through it.

Don't you know that you're all I think about?
You make up a half of the whole.

“Hey, boss!  How's it going?”  Willa smiles with a sleeve of thermal cups in her hands.

“Hey, Willa.  Keeping everyone in check?”  Kurt smiles at the girl.  To be frank, Willa was only hired because he had a great feeling about her, although she doesn't have any coffee experience.  She's a natural-born leader and can be trusted as much as Julie back in Lima.  It's just an added bonus that she's not only been hitting it off fabulously with him, but also with Santana.  As much as Santana hates Kurt right now for re-breaking Blaine's heart, he's always wanted her to find someone she can be herself around.  He thinks that maybe Willa can be her person as Blaine is Kurt's.  Was. 

Business is truly taking off in Brooklyn, but nothing Santana can't handle… should Kurt decide to run away for a while.  It surely helps that there are no coffee shops in the immediate area; Starbucks hasn't been able to get in and take over just yet, so he believes he has at least a year of true monopolization.  Plus, it's a great distraction to everything else that's been happening in his life, although it never fails to remind him of Blaine.  If he looks up at the table for two closest to the big window in the front of the building, he can almost see a seventeen-year-old boy crowding a notebook and a glued-down, glittered “reserved” sign. 

The art of the coffee business is something he enjoys, sure; it's something he's actually good at, and an industry he doesn't mind being devoted to.  He loves the craft of coffee-making and because he met Blaine in the midst of all of this, he tries to keep him out of his mind as he attempts to build the second Lima Bean up from the bottom – something he was never able to do with the original as it already had a following by the time he was given control.  It's New York he's not sure of.

“Okay.  Paperwork.  I'll be in the back if you guys need me.  When Santana gets here, let her know I'm in the back.”

xK&Bx

It's been an excruciating time in Blaine's heart.  He's started to feel closer to normal in this time, though, and he's working hard on the concept of distraction.  He studies too much.  He reads thick novels for fun even when he doesn't have time for it.  He's taken up running.  He's actually training for a marathon; it's something to keep a routine going and helps relieve the stress.  He fucks almost daily, and now that Jimmy and Steve know about Kurt, they help with the recruiting process.  There is still a void that he's unsure he'll ever see leave his body, but like any loss, it's gotten easier with time.

There are still times that the ache in his chest is unbearable, times when he cries himself to sleep because of the terrible damage to his heart, times when he doesn't bother to get out of bed because it all hurts too much.  Today is one of those days.  He's been trying to focus on all in his life that is awesome, but he can't seem to fool himself into authentic contentment.  He seeks out help from the only person (besides Kurt) that might be able to cheer him up a bit. 

Blaine:  Burt.  You around?

Not more than two seconds later, Burt's face lights up Blaine's iPhone and he can't help but smile. 

“Hey.”

“I haven't heard from you.  You've been okay?”

“I know, I'm really sorry.  I just…”  Blaine breaks for a sigh.  “I'm sorry.”

“You never have to explain to me, Blaine.  You sound…”

“I'm okay.  Trying to distract myself; it's been a weird couple of weeks, like the breakup happened all over again.”  There's a pause in Blaine's breathing.  “Today is not the best day.”

“I know you're sad, kid.  Things happen like this all the time and you don't know why yet, but I bet you will soon.  There's a reason for all of this.”

Blaine scoffs.

“Maybe it's to make your bond stronger for if you do decide to get back together.”

“I doubt that.  He's okay?”

“He will be, and so will you.  Now, when are you coming home for a visit?  You were just here but Carole misses you.” 

“Are you sure that's okay?  If Kurt… I mean, I'd love to but-”

“Look, bud.  I know it seems like it's the end of the world right now, but please know that you always have a home here.  For every holiday too, regardless of my other son coming home during that time and regardless of whatever you two are destined to be.  Do you understand?”

Blaine whispers.  “Yeah.”

“So when should I expect you, then?”

Blaine laughs.  “Umm, well.  I get out of class on Thursday at two California time, but I could probably skip that if there's an earlier flight.  Email you the details?” 

“That's my boy.  Love you, kid.”

“Love ya too.  Say hi to Carole.”

“Will do.”  There's a click.  Blaine smiles as he opens his laptop to write his next piece for class; he gets through it hardly even thinking about just how terrible his life seems and navigates to the JetBlue website to book a flight home to Burt's house.  At least he has something to look forward to.

xK&Bx

Thursday comes quickly, and Blaine finds himself on the curbside of the Columbus Airport again, waiting for Burt to pick him up.  It's late, but a beautiful summer night that he can't get enough of.  The light breeze is invigorating and he might be a little tipsy from the free drinks in first class.  He's had more than a few to feel it; he's worked up his tolerance since saying goodbye to Kurt. 

He feels so empty, waiting here for his ex-lover's father's truck to show up at the airport.  Had he not had to fly to Columbus today, it would have been one of those days that he didn't get out of bed because it hurt too much, but he thinks it might have been one of those days because he had to get on a plane that brought him back to a place that suffocates him in Kurt-related memories.  Ohio has never been his favorite place to spend any amount of time, but he's been back more than once now for the sake of the Hummels, and he'd agree with anyone when they say that there must be a valid reason why he can't seem to stay away from a place that nearly killed him.  It's a damn bearable reason at that; it's family.

He has no choice but to text Kurt; he knows his body won't be able to resist so he might as well get it over with.

Blaine:  Hey pretty.  Hope you're doing well… I'm just thinking about you as usual and hope you have a good day.

He doesn't expect a response and certainly not right away, but this doesn't stop him from clicking on the home screen every few seconds to see if the “typing” icon is up on Kurt's text message window.  It never is.

Burt's truck comes rolling in, swerving up toward him before it stops completely.  Blaine flings his bag into the back and jumps up into the seat. 

“Hey.”  Every time he looks into Burt's eyes, he sees Kurt.  He grimaces at the comparison and looks down, pretending to check his phone for anything he might have missed while he was on the plane, but really just staring at the text message application, willing for it to come back to life. 

“What's up bud?”

Blaine smiles.  He's home, at least in the physical sense. 

He doesn't mind the quick visit.  He's been back a few times since they've broken up, but this is the first time since it's been truly over, and he's pushing the feeling of emptiness in Burt's truck as far away as possible because he really wants to just enjoy time with the people who might as well be his parents. 

“You good?”

He wrings and tangles his own fingers with his other hand and smiles again.  “I'm okay.”

“Yeah?  That's what Kurt's telling people who ask, too.”

“Mmmm.”

“It's good to see you, Blaine.  Really, I worry about you.”

“I'm okay.  Actually, what do you think about me going to see my mom, maybe Saturday?”

“She knows you're here?”

“No...  I don't know, I'm still playing with the idea.  She's still my mom, you know?”

Burt nods.  “I hear ya.  If you want to, then you should.”

Small talk fills the car ride back from the airport, and when they get back to the house in Lima, Blaine says hi to Carole quickly and goes straight to bed.  He doesn't realize he's cuddling Kurt's old pillow until his scent assaults his nostrils in all the wrong ways.  He cries himself to sleep in the middle of Kurt's old bed they once shared and never will again.
 
xK&Bx

That text message last night threw Kurt for a loop.  He didn't know how to react, so he doesn't until he can formulate some sort of action plan of how to deal with it all.  It is times like these that he wishes he could just reiterate his undying love for Blaine.

It's like Blaine read his mind in that stupid text message.  Blaine is all he's been thinking about as of late, and it's getting really annoying.

Kurt's life has made him crazy with the coffee shop and getting to know his current fling a bit better, but these are all well deserved and perfectly placed distractions.  His Oliver-related struggle is wearing him thin because of the dreadful comparison forever in the back of his mind.  Every time Oliver looks at him is a painful reminder that Blaine is out there somewhere without him.  He feels as though nothing will ever be as good as Blaine again, and he finds himself constantly measuring him up against Oliver, a poisonous mindset to trap him with his settling heart.  This has the power to ruin his entire future with anyone, and he already feels his edges fraying knowing that the constant comparison will do just that.  Regardless of his booked schedule and constant nights on the town trying to force himself into living life to the fullest with his boyfriend, Kurt is sure to find time every night before he wastes away into sleep to think about this friendship he wants to convince Blaine into.  He simply hasn't gotten over Blaine because he doesn't want to, whether he realizes that on a subconscious level or not.

He does need a plan, though.  He misses his dad, and Carole, and fuck… even Ohio, sometimes.  He misses the way he used to feel there; he misses the happiness flowing through his veins at the mere thought of Blaine Anderson and how they both somehow didn't mind Lima as soon as they were there together.  Now, it's all a venomous escape from a personal prison cell with a lock and a lost key, and a clear reason why he hasn't been back in such a long time…the memories are excruciating. 

It's been a few weeks since he last heard from virtually anyone back home and it's right smack in the middle of Friday night dinner, something he wishes he could still see regularly in person.  He should take a weekend sometime soon.  He should move back home.  He should escape Oliver, who hardly makes him happy because he's not Blaine, and he should escape New York and go home.

He is pointedly distracted for a few more minutes finishing up a mindless task relating to the business of running a coffee shop, but he makes a point to call before it gets too late.

xK&Bx

“Hello?” 

“Hey Dad!  What's up?”

“Kiddo!  Where the hell have you been?  I know I'm supposed to give a grown son some space, but shit.”  Burt looks at Blaine and Carole dropping the cookies onto a cookie sheet and quietly leaves the kitchen, hoping he goes unnoticed. 

“I've been busy.  Spending more time with Oliver and at the coffee shop.  It's gotten really busy.” 

“Burt!  No phone during Friday night dinners.  Come on, you made that rule, now abide by it!”  Burt watches Blaine enter the room, grinning ear to ear as he walks into the living room with cookie dough hands but his face falls when two plus two equals four and it's clear as day that Burt is talking to Kurt.

“Dad?  Is that Blaine?”

Burt looks directly at Blaine and mouths his apology.  “Yeah, yeah Kurt.  It's Blaine.  He came home for the weekend.”

“He came home for the… okay.  I'm just gonna go.  You have a lovely time with my ex-boyfriend, then.”

“Kurt, come on.  Don't be like that.”

“Like what?  Hurt, pissed off because all of my family and every single one of my friends chose him over me?  Santana hasn't said a word to me since Blaine left New York.  She leaves me notes and sends me emails when she has something to say about the coffee shop and not a breath more about anything else.”

“Hey, you know I'm not choosing and neither is Santana, I'm sure.  I told you and Blaine both years ago that I will not be put in the middle of whatever problems you two have.”

Blaine hurries back into the kitchen, and Burt knows he's blaming himself thinking he's causing problems with everyone Kurt loves. 

Kurt is usually a rational man; Burt certainly made sure to bring him up as a boy who will listen to both sides of any story before deciding on an opinion.  He usually thinks before he speaks, considering any possible consequence before he allows words out of his mouth.  He's undoubtedly in touch with the power of words, the power of talking to someone, of communication that he is especially careful of when he's speaking with the people he loves, the people that love him back.  Burt can sense that it's a perfect day for Kurt to vocalize his true feelings and he can tell that his son is hesitating on his words, thinking them through completely so not to hurt any feelings; he can almost physically see the effort come to a heed right in the center of his son's head.

xK&Bx

Kurt speaks not from his mouth, his teeth and lips and tongue not contributing at all to this conversation he demands to have with his ex-boyfriend.  All of these words are about to spew up and out, directly from his heart.  Now is his chance; it's now or never.  He didn't plan for this, but hell if he lets this fateful opportunity slip through his fingers. 

“Actually, put him on the phone, Dad.”

As expected: “Kurt, please don't make a spectacle of this.  He's just home for a visit with people he considers family.”

“I know that.  I just want to talk to him; I came to what one might call an epiphany about him recently and I need to tell him about it.  It's not bad, I promise.  I've just been thinking about him, and just… please put him on the phone?  Don't you love me, Dad?”

Burt sighs dramatically into the phone.  “Hang on.”

There's a muffle and a hand over the microphone of Burt's cell phone, what seems to be an exchange of handsets, and then a strong inhale and exhale.

“Um, hello?”

“I'm jealous you get Friday night dinner this weekend.”   There's a teasing quality to Kurt's voice and he hopes to God Blaine can pick up on it. 

He does. 

“Jealous enough to jump on a plane?  Come see me in Ohio, pretty boy.”

“Don't push your luck, beautiful.”  Blaine's breath hitches and maybe Kurt's gone too far.  “Sorry.”

“No, I'm sorry.”

“Not gonna lie, B.  It's kinda weird you're in Ohio without me.”

“It's weird being here without you.  I'd rather be wherever you are.”  There's a beat.  “How are you?”

“Mmm.  I guess I've been better.”  It's the truth.  They've never lied to each other, why start now?

“Me too.”
 
“So what are you doing there anyway?”

“I don't know, Burt thought I could use a visit.  I needed the break.”

“Uh huh, and did he think I might need family time?  Should I just take up Christian Anderson as my father and we can call it an even swap?”  Kurt's plans are going bottom-up.  He can't help but feel a ting of jealousy striking like lightning through his veins.

“Kurt.”

“No, Blaine.  Tell me how this should work because in my experience, when two people break up, they sever ties with everyone else, too.”  Kurt feels himself ranting on but can't connect words to his brain, demanding it to stop.  He can't stop.

“Why did you want to talk to me so bad?  Why the fuck are you being such a fucking dick?”

The silence answers enough of the question.  Because I can.  Blaine continues.

“I'm not giving up my friends or the people I consider my family because you decided to wake up on the wrong side of the fucking bed again today, Kurt.  I left you because I don't fucking know why, and I know I'll never be able to live that one down.  But you never got over me and that's not my problem, especially when I go to New York to get you back and you still want nothing to do with me.  I'm still trying to get over it all myself, but until then...  God, Kurt.  What the hell are we doing?”

“You made me fall in love with you in the first place!  We wouldn't be in this position if I just… stayed guarded and now I'm the idiot who's entirely ruined because of you!  You were the lost little teenager who couldn't find his way without my help, and now I've resorted back into the stupid little lost boy I was before you.  A lost, good-for-nothing, piece of shit who will never be happy again.”

“No, asshole!  We fell in love mutually and it was the best three and a half years of my life.  What, which one of your shitty boyfriends is better than me, then?  Huh?”

“Fuck you, Blaine.  I loved you in a way I had never loved before, and it was not my fault that you had so many fucking issues that I couldn't keep up with the walls constantly being built up and torn down in the same ten fucking minutes.  Please take a hint and get the fuck out of my life for good this time.”  There's a beat; Kurt inhales.  “I wanted to get on the phone because I thought that it would be good for us, but apparently not.”

“Well, I'm sorry I was never fucking good enough for you and your ridiculously high standards!”

“You were perfect for me, Blaine!  Don't give me that shit, you know we were perfect together.”

“You're the one who didn't try to convince me to stay.  I'm here now, visiting my family whether you like it or not.  And as for Burt suggesting I come home this weekend, you know I've never had an easy time feeling accepted into any family, including my own, so I waited for the invitation.  You know you're always invited.  If shit is hard in New York, all you have to do is get on a plane for an hour and come home.  I'm trying to heal myself here… I don't know if you forgot, but the love of my life told me he didn't want anything to do with me three weeks ago, so I'm still trying to figure that out, and I think it might be possible with the help of our family.”

Kurt shifts the phone to his other ear, cowering into himself and crossing his arms as if he's guarding himself from Blaine's accusing words.  He focuses on the curve of his own wrist as he whispers words he doesn't truly mean to say.  “I wish I didn't love you anymore.”

Blaine's silence is proof that he's trying to pick himself up, if only to appear strong for whatever's coming his way next.

Kurt calms down, inhaling and exhaling a few times to slow his heartbeat.  “Half of me hates you so much for leaving me alone with no rational explanation… but God, then I hear your voice, and you're fighting right back and standing up to me, and fuck Blaine… you're challenging me like no one else in my life ever does.  Those are the times when I miss you the most.”

Blaine's whisper strains Kurt's ear.  “Do you really wish you didn't love me?”

“Of course I don't, honey.  I'm so sorry I said that… I don't regret a second with you, only the ones without you.”

Blaine huffs.  “I accidentally slept in your bed last night, you know.”

“How does one accidentally sleep in someone else's bed, B?”  Kurt half-laughs; he's not sure what to think of that.

“I don't know.  I got home late and just kind of… followed instinct, I guess.  I didn't even realize until I smelled you on the pillows.”  Blaine sounds so small all because of the presence of Kurt's scent hitting his nostrils. “Jesus, that sounds so… I'm such a pathetic stalker.”  There's a beat.  Blaine continues.  “I've been thinking of taking a ride out to see my mom tomorrow.”

Kurt gets caught up in the sound of Blaine's voice; they haven't spoken amicably in so long that it puts him in a trance of sorts, reminiscing every word that's been said to him since they got together.  He doesn't realize that he hasn't responded to Blaine's words.

“Well.  It was good talking to you.”

Kurt snaps out of it.  “Sorry!  I was just... listening to you.”

“Huh?”

“Your words, your voice.  It's nice to hear it… calm and collected.  I think we had to get those things out in the open, yeah?”  Kurt smiles sadly at the image that must be Blaine right now.  He'd bet a hundred grand that he's pacing and running his fingers through his curls, grimacing and praying that the next words out of Kurt's mouth aren't going to hurt too badly.  “Honey, I think it's a good idea to get back in touch with your mom.  But I'm conflicted.  I don't want to push you away because I really do think it's great you found a family in mine, despite what I just said to you.  But it's also good to be in touch with yours.  Cooper tells me you don't talk to him often and you guys are only a few hours away.  Are you pushing away from everyone?  Are you punishing yourself for some reason?”

“No, I… I've just been busy.”  Kurt's not sure if this is a lie, but his conversations with Cooper usually leave both of them worried.

“I don't want to throw away our history and I do still want to know you.  I don't know how to fix this, but I do know that I shouldn't have said those things I said to you when we last saw each other, and just now over the phone, and I'm really sorry.”

“You can't say goodbye to me forever and then demand your father hands me the phone three weeks later because you feel the need to say nevermind.  My heart can't take this, Kurt.  I feel like it's going to combust.”

“Blaine.”

“No, please.  I can't do this.  I have to go.  I'll get in touch with my mom and that'll be that.”

“Blaine, stop!  That's not what I'm saying!  It's fine, we're fine.”

“I really have to go, Kurt.  Please, God, let me go.”

“Is that what you really want?”  Kurt is speaking on a larger level now.  He hopes Blaine is, too.

Kurt can hear Blaine's voice crack when he says his name, and that's what really twists the knife.  “Kurt.”  Blaine's never said his name like it's pained him before.

“Blaine.”

“I'm being terribly rude to your parents.”

“It would not be the first time.”

“Kurt, baby… I need to go.  We'll talk, whenever you're free, we'll talk.  But I have to go now before I start crying alone in your living room.  Okay?  We'll talk later.  Promise.”  Kurt hears the click; it's the first time Blaine's ever hung up on him.

Kurt can hardly breathe.  “Shit!”

xK&Bx

Blaine walks back into the kitchen, juggling Burt's cell phone and squinting his eyes, clearly thinking too hard.  It looks like he can set the world on fire with the smoke coming out of his ears. 

“Good conversation, kiddo?”

“Kurt and I are… no.”  Blaine shrugs.  “I have no idea, it feels over.”

Carole laughs at the joke but when Blaine looks at her she stops immediately.  “Oh.  Seriously?  Oh, honey.”

“No pity please.”

“Alright!”  Burt sits down and claps his hands once, rubbing them together as Carole brings over the food for tonight – pleasantly presented but probably less than awesome tuna filet, garlic and onion brussel sprouts, and wild rice risotto.  Carole tries. 

“Help yourselves, boys.”  Carole swings back to the refrigerator for cans of Coke and balances three of them within three glasses, filled halfway with ice.

Blaine is admittedly in a foul mood.  There's nothing he can do about it, and he wouldn't hide it if he could.  He doesn't miss the questioning looks Carole and Burt exchange when they think he's not watching.  Those hurt the most.

xK&Bx

They finish dinner as a family and go their separate ways after.  Blaine mentions that he's going to borrow the Navigator because he wants to go see some friends.  His actual plan is to reconcile with his mother, even if that means tiptoeing back into the closet.  He doesn't want to make Kurt mad and he knows he needs to say goodbye to Burt and Carole; he just wishes that he didn't let his guard down enough for this to really hurt.

As he drives toward and then past the Lima Bean, he attempts only happy thoughts.  The conversation with Kurt, the first in so long, only proves to Blaine that he sort of doesn't care about him at all anymore.  As depressing as this is, it's what pushes Blaine to visit his mom, although as he continues to drive toward the neighborhood he used to live in, he is distracted by thoughts of how he is his own support system and maybe he doesn't need his mom either.  He's prepared to do all of this on his own.

Blaine can't stop thinking about Kurt's harsh words though, even if he seemed to calm down toward the end of the conversation.  He furrows his brow and wonders what it's like to be Kurt Hummel, this pseudo-monster he's turned into that doesn't have a care in the world for anyone but himself.  As difficult as it is, he decides to take a penny from Kurt's cup; he'll try to model himself after what he used to be for the sake of saving his own feelings.  It's just not fair and he misses who Kurt used to be so much; he doesn't know how to put it into words.

He takes the turn onto Anderson Hill Road too sharply for a large SUV and the world stops as he slams on his brakes mid-turn, barely missing a soccer ball bouncing in the middle of the street and a young boy running after it carelessly.  He swerves sharply to avoid the boy but cuts the wheel too quickly.  He watches the blur of his body flip within the car, catching the detail of each control on the radio, the blue glow of the interface on the GPS module, the crumble and crack of metal hitting the street one side at a time.  His eyes shift, slower than molasses, as he comes out of his soul and he's above himself watching the one-hundred-and-eighty-degree flip from fifty feet in the sky.  Ears are ringing and his head is bleeding and the pressure he feels at his hairline is overwhelming, so much so that he might need to pass out.  The shattering of the driver's side window crystallizes like snowflakes and he watches intently as each shred of glass flies in every direction at impact to the ground.  His seatbelt tightens across his chest as it locks and the airbags explode in slow motion; he can count to six before they're inflated completely.  There's a stinging sensation in his forehead, and his arm hits the street below him and he doesn't want to move his neck for fear of being paralyzed.  He feels his legs lodged between the steering wheel and… something else.  He's somehow on his side but still in the car and the world is spinning.  Suddenly, the paramedics are there to talk him through some sort of process that he can't really pay attention to because all he's thinking is Kurt.