Kurt spends the majority of the night staring blankly at a wall in his room, seated heavily on the bed. He’s looking at the wall without really seeing it. Blaine’s words are on some sort of sick replay in his mind, turning over and over, berating him and chastising him for the millionth time.

Had he really turned into that person? Had he let himself become so shallow and so cruel?

Of course you did, his mind shouts back. You did it because you thought it was the only way to survive.

Well yeah, but was that the only way to go about it?

What else could you have done?

For starters, he could have been nicer to people. He could have been the nice Cheerio, the one who’s nice to everyone. He could have made a difference. He could still have the Cheerio status of popularity while simultaneously being kind to people. Instead, he had just reverted to what was easiest; he became an asshole because that was what was expected.

But now he’s sitting alone in his room, wondering if there’s even an ounce of goodness left in his body.

Not knowing what else to do, Kurt seeks out his father who is settled in his recliner. Carole must already be in bed and Finn had taken up residence in the newly built addition his father had promised him down in the basement with a proper wall and a proper door.

“Dad?” Kurt asks warily, settling down on the sofa. “Am I a good person?”

His father pauses, silent for a second or two before muting the football game on the television.

“Where in the hell did that come from?” his dad questions.

“Just…am I? Do you think I’m a good person?”

“Of course I do,” his dad says without hesitation.

“What – what do you think makes me good?”

“Kurt, why are asking something like this?”

“Please,” Kurt pleads, “just tell me.”

“Well,” Burt says gruffly, “you’re not out beatin’ people up every night. And you get pretty good grades and I’ve never had a complaint from one of your teachers about attitude problems. And you always take care of me if I’m feelin’ down, even if I am your dad and it isn’t cool to let on that you care about your parents.”

“Yeah…” Kurt mumbles, not admitting that he lied to his friends at the beginning of the year when he had to bail on their plans to take care of his dad when he had strep throat.

He had told them that his dad made him stay home and study for a test.

“And you’ve got good friends,” his dad adds, “even if that one blonde seems kinda…not all there. I miss seeing you hang around Mercedes, though. What ever happened to her?”

“She-” was still in Glee club and therefore too lame for Kurt to associate with so he had to drop her, “- got really busy with Glee club and stuff. We see each other at school.”

But Kurt ignores her.

“Well you’re helping out that one kid, right? The one you said needed a physics tutor? That’s a really good thing. Not a lot of kids will take the time to help someone out nowadays and I’m sure it’s hard for you with your Cheerio schedule.”

“Right,” Kurt nods feebly, guilt clawing in his chest.

“Do you – do you think you’re not a good person?”

He’s rude to people on a daily basis, he refuses to associate with anyone who isn’t a Cheerio, he dropped one of his best friends because she was in Glee club, he might fail physics, he lies to his own dad, and he’s too much of a coward to stand up to anyone who’s blatantly being a bully.

“No, no,” Kurt lies. “Just…sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision to become a Cheerio. I feel like a lot of people don’t like us very much.”

“Well don’t listen to those people,” his dad says with conviction. “They’re just jealous. But you’re not a bad person, Kurt. Don’t ever think that.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says softly as he stands. “Thanks, dad.”

“Anytime, kiddo.”

The next day at school, Blaine doesn’t dawdle at his locker. Ashamed, Kurt doesn’t even try to speak to him. Of course, it’s not as if Kurt can just approach him and suddenly strike up a conversation, no. That would be unheard of and most definitely frowned upon. Blaine avoids Kurt’s gaze all day and when Kurt chances a stealthy glance around the lunch room, he sees that Blaine isn’t anywhere to be found.

Come Thursday, Kurt’s insides are twisting and something altogether cruel and unusual is scratching away at his conscious. Before Monday, they had plans to meet up on Thursday night but he hadn’t heard a word from Blaine at all for the past two days. Kurt is sitting at the kitchen table, stomach too ill to eat breakfast, and staring at the screen of his phone. He’s trying to gather the courage to text Blaine and ask if they’re still on for studying tonight but he really doesn’t know what to say. Blaine, the ever gracious one, had given him an out and said he didn’t have to continue on with the post-studying chat they had initially agreed upon but Kurt feels…wrong about not keeping up his end of the deal.

Because it’s still just a deal. That’s all it can be, it can’t be anything more.

After ten minutes of his thumb hovering over Blaine’s name in his contact list, he receives a text message.

Study session tonight is still on if you still need the help.

Kurt bites the inside of his lip. Of course Blaine would text him first. Of course Blaine would be the nice one, the generous one.

And Kurt, with all his status and reputation, would remain the coward, the pretty young boy who strides down the hall with grace and poise and all the worst intentions because that’s all he knows now.