Too Afraid To Love
batwaynebruceman
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Too Afraid To Love: From Bad To Worse


E - Words: 3,391 - Last Updated: Jul 01, 2013
Story: Closed - Chapters: 25/? - Created: Oct 14, 2012 - Updated: Jul 01, 2013
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Author's Notes: Warnings for this chapter - langage, self harm and discussions of rape.Sorry.

The minute they walked through the front door, Burt Hummel could tell something had happened. He had suspected something was up when Finn got home. He wasn't supposed to be there for another hour, so Burt assumed glee must have finished early. He had no idea why, not when regionals were the following day. Seeing Kurt and Blaine confirmed his suspicions. They walked hand in hand, as though terrified to let go of each other. Kurt looked up at his dad, his eyes wide and fearful.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Blaine asked him.

Kurt shook his head. "No. I'll come and find you when I'm done, okay? Why don't you phone that policewoman, Rose something?"

Blaine nodded and planted a gentle kiss on his boyfriend's cheek before leaving, heading downstairs to Kurt's bedroom. Kurt just stood there in the hallway, shaking.

"Kurt?" Burt said cautiously. He took hold of his hand and led him into the kitchen. He made him sit at the dining table. "What's happened?" He asked, sitting opposite him. "I know something's up buddy; Finn hasn't come out of his room since he got home and you and Blaine… Well, it's obvious."

Kurt was crying, finally allowing his mask to disappear. "D-Dad… I'm not sure I want to tell you. Your heart-"

"Screw my heart Kurt, tell me what's happened. You never cry. I'll be patient, I promise. I won't be angry with you."

"You will," he whispered.

"I won't Kurt, I swear. Come on, tell me what's happened. You're my son; I'll always look after you."

Kurt looked up at his dad, still shaking. Slowly, he told Burt everything. He spoke for over an hour. He told him about how Karofsky had bullied him since he was a freshman at McKinley, but it was just tossing him in dumpsters and throwing slushies at him. Burt nodded; he already knew this, as Kurt had often complained about his clothes being ruined. Then he said how it got more violent, and he was being shoved into his locker on a daily basis. He would come home with bruises scattered across his shoulders, but he was always careful to hide them. Then, in between his sobs, he told Burt what had happened in the locker room. Burt was angry, to say the least and started to speak. Kurt only had to hold his hand up to silence him. His father was quiet, realising there was more. He listened as Kurt told him about how the abuse continued throughout the year, and when summer came he was relieved to escape Karofsky, but it hadn't lasted. He explained how, when he was walking home from the library one evening, Karofsky had pulled him into his car and forced himself on him. Kurt stopped talking, unable to say a word through his tears. As expected, Burt was furious. He stood up, hands balled into fists. But his anger wasn't directed at Kurt. He threw himself into the seat beside his son and pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry Kurt," he whispered. His voice cracked slightly. "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Kurt finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry Dad. I just couldn't tell you."

Burt shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for buddy. How did you deal with it without telling anyone?"

Kurt told him how he'd paid for his own counselling sessions, twice a week for six weeks. He used his wages he made from working with his dad. He explained, crying even harder, how he got hold of a fake ID and hooked up with random strangers in Scandals, having one night stands. He'd almost turned to drugs, but decided against it at the last minute.

"Kurt, you should have told me," Burt said in a broken voice. "I would have been there for you. Why is this only coming out now?"

"B-Because Karofsky threw me into my locker, before glee today. He and his friend Azimio were there. He didn't try anything at first, just saying the usual crap. But then Blaine, Puck and Santana got there. Azimio ran away because he's afraid of Puck, but Karofsky d-didn't care. When his friend went, he got really bold and started b-bragging about what he'd done."

"Why the hell would he-"

"Dad, please let me finish, otherwise I'll never be able to say it. Well, Blaine stood up to him, because he knows what happened. All of the people that slept round a few weeks ago do."

"Why the hell didn't they say anything? This is serious Kurt, your friends should have told me."

"I didn't want them to. I wanted it all to go away and be forgotten about. I know they were pissed off that I made them stay quiet, but they did it. They did because they care about me. I've dealt with it for this long, so I was sure I could handle it. But talking about it brought back memories and I started having nightmares again. That's why I'd go into Blaine's bed or he'd come into mine. When we sleep together, not have sex, but actually sleep together, neither of us gets any nightmares. Anyway," he said, realising he was going off the subject. "Blaine stood up to him and Karofsky got really, really angry. He started attacking Blaine, smashing his head into the lockers. I think he was knocked out for a while. Puck was trying to wake him and Santana started screaming at Karofsky, but he threw her out of his way and broke her wrist. Then he… then he pinned me up against the wall and started b-b-bragging again, saying I screamed his n-name, and that I begged him. I felt sick. I still do…"

"But-"

"Then Coach Sylvester was there," he said over Burt. "And she'd obviously heard everything. She screamed at Karofsky to go to Principal Figgins' office, but he didn't. Then the glee club and Mr Schue were there, and everyone started arguing, so I just screamed it at them. Mr Schue told me that they have to go to the p-police about it all. Everyone left, so he and Coach Sylvester took Blaine to the nurse's office. I went with them and they said he wasn't concussed or anything but needed rest. So… so here we are," he finished, wiping his tears away. "I'm so sorry Dad…"

"You don't have to be Kurt," he replied, kissing his forehead. "As stupid as it sounds, I can see why you didn't tell anyone."

"You can?"

"Yeah, I can. I know it's not the same, but when I was younger this kid picked on me. He'd beat me up a lot, but I never told my parents. I kept thinking that if I ignored it, it would stop."

"Did it?"

"No. He ended up getting expelled for beating up another kid. I never told anyone though. I probably should have; if I did, the other kid wouldn't have been hurt. But Kurt, I'm glad you've finally told me."
"You don't hate me?"

"Of course I don't hate you, you're my son. I'm pissed off that you didn't tell me, but that doesn't matter. I know now, and I'm going to help you every step of the way, okay?" Kurt nodded and Burt managed a smile. "Good. Now, I think you'd better go find Blaine. No doubt he's worrying about you."

"Are you going to tell Carole or d-do you want me to?

"I'll do it when she gets home, alright? She'll be here any minute, she finished an hour ago. Don't worry, I'll tell her not to fuss too much, just that we're going to be expecting a couple of officers coming around soon to ask questions, right?"

Kurt nodded and finally managed a smile. He gave his dad one last hug and left the kitchen. It was like an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Karofsky wouldn't get away with it. It would finally be sorted. He still felt as though he was going to be sick, but the only thing he wanted to do was be with Blaine.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

Blaine was sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning against the shower. His wrists were bleeding and his eyes were closed. There was yet another small square blade beside him. Kurt's heart stopped. He sprinted across to the room and crouched in front of him, taking his face in his hands.

"Blaine? Blaine baby, look at me. Just look at me!"

Blaine opened his eyes, a small cry escaping his lips.

 

 


 

 

"Why don't you phone that policewoman, Rose something?"

Blaine nodded at Kurt, kissed him on the cheek and went downstairs to the basement-bedroom. He was praying that Kurt would be okay, despite not believing in God. Once inside, he sat himself on Kurt's bed, taking a deep breath. He took his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialled the number he'd been given.

"Hello?"

"Is this Rose Watson? It's Blaine."

"Blaine… You mean Blaine Anderson? Oh Blaine, I'm so glad you called, I tried getting hold of you today but you were in a lesson. How've you been?"

"Um… I've been fine. What did you want me to phone you for?"

"Well, I don't know if you've been told, but your mother's body is ready to be released. Do you want to plan the funeral or would you like your brother Cooper to? He's been in contact with me as well."

"Cooper can do it," he said quickly. "I'll help but… Yeah, Cooper can do it."

"Okay, I'll let him know. The date for your father's trial has been set too. It's next Wednesday."

"Will… will I have to be there?"

"Unfortunately yes, but you've already given your statement and had your interview. You won't have to be in the same room as him, but you're still required to attend. Your brother will be there as well."

"Cooper's going to be in Ohio?"

"Yes, he's flying in from New York on Monday. Hasn't he told you? He said he was going to ring you today; he must be doing it later. Do you need anything from me Blaine, anything at all?"

"Can I be honest with you?"

"Of course you can. I told you when we met; I'm here to help you."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. I've tried different things."

"What have you tried?"

"Um, well I wrote down how I was feeling. It didn't work; it just made me really angry. I also tried speaking about it, but that made my nightmares worse. I've ignored it and it's done nothing…"

"Why do I get the feeling you aren't telling me something?"

"Because I'm not; I've… I've taken to hurting myself too…"

"Blaine, what are you…?" Rose went quiet, obviously realising. "Blaine, you haven't done what I think you have,have you?"

"It helps me."

"How can something like that help you?"

"It distracts me! The pain makes it better. You don't understand."

"Blaine, how could you do something like that, when your own mother-"

"Don't you dare talk about my mamma like you know her, don't you dare."

"Blaine, calm down."

"I will not calm down! You don't know anything. Goodbye and thanks for nothing!"

"Blaine, don't hang up-"

He ended the phone call and threw his phone to the side, furious. What the hell did she know about anything? Cutting his wrists helped him. He had no other way of dealing with it. There was so much anger built up inside him and it terrified him. Surely it was better to hurt himself than hurt the people around him? The burn of his wrists distracted him from what was happening in his life. It was too difficult to bear but… did he really want to end his life? The honest answer was no, but only because he had Kurt. If he was alone, then he probably would have done it weeks ago. But Kurt was in his life now.

Before he even realised what he was doing, Blaine was on his knees in the bathroom. He reached behind the sink and took out one of the razors he had hidden there. The metal was slicing through his skin in a flash, and he breathed a sigh of relief, feeling the adrenaline pump through his body. He sat back against the shower, dragging the razorblade along his wrist again. He could feel the blood trickling down his arm and shuddered. He despised himself for doing this but at the same time, it was the best possible thing for him. He closed his eyes, another sigh escaping his lips.

"Blaine? Blaine baby, look at me. Just look at me!"

He frowned. That voice… Kurt. Holy shit, how long had Kurt been there?! He opened his eyes, a strange noise escaping his throat, something between a sob and a shout. He tried to move away from him, but Kurt just pulled him back.

"Blaine, what have you done?" He sobbed, his clothes now covered in blood. "Oh my god Blaine; you need to go to hospital."

"No," he muttered. "No hospitals."

"You have to," he whispered. "DAD, help me! Come down here, please!"

Loud, frantic footsteps on the stairs told them that Burt wasn't alone. He burst in, closely followed by Carole, who was still in her nurse's uniform. A small gasp escaped her lips and she ran over to Blaine.

"Kurt, go stand with your father," she said quietly, pressing a towel to his wrists to stop the bleeding.

"But-"

"Go, now! You'll only get in the way."

Kurt stood up and moved to stand with Burt, who was watching in horror.

"Kurt, come on. You don't need to see this; you've been through enough today. Come on buddy." Burt tried to pull him out of the room, but Kurt stood his ground.

"No!" He shouted, pulling his arm from his grip. "If you think I'm just going to leave him there, you've got another thing coming!"

Burt seemed to understand, because he just held his hands up, sighing. They turned to watch Carole check over Blaine.

"He'll be okay… They aren't too deep," she whispered, more to herself than anything. "They just look worse than they are. Burt, can you get my medical kit from upstairs please?"

Burt nodded and ran from the room. He returned only seconds later, a large first aid box in his arms. Carole opened it, took out a wipe and began to clean the wounds on Blaine's wrists carefully. They were no longer bleeding, but the sight still made Kurt cringe.

"Will he need to go to hospital?" He asked in a small voice. He was slightly relieved when Carole shook her head.

"They weren't as deep as they looked… I don't think he meant for them to be that bad," she whispered.

"C-Can I come back over?"

She nodded and Kurt rushed to her side. He knelt beside Blaine, reaching out his hand warily and putting in on his cheek.

"Talk to him Kurt," said Carole, still cleaning his wrists. "See if he'll respond. I know he's awake but he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Blaine, honey… Can you hear me?"

"Mm."

"Good, that's good… Listen, you're going to be alright. You… I think you took things a bit far this time baby."

"What do you mean this time?" Burt asked, frowning. Kurt just shook his head, turning back to Blaine.

"We're going to get you help, okay? I… I know I said I would help you fight this but… I can't do it alone, not with my state of mind. You need a professional."

Blaine's eyes snapped open. He shook his head, whining. His ability to speak seemed to have vanished.

"You have to. I… I'm going to go as well, okay? I've been thinking about doing this to myself again, and I don't want to. We both need help, so we'll both go and talk to someone. Not at the same time, not if you don't want to, but we'll go and we'll get ourselves some help."

Burt and Carole were silent, watching the boys closely; they had never heard Kurt speak with so much emotion in his voice.

"Blaine, do you think you can get up?" Carole said softly.

"Mm," he said again, turning away from her. "Want to sleep."

"You can darling, I promise. But you can't go to sleep here. Come on, let's get you into bed."

Kurt helped him stand, alarmed when he swayed on the spot. Blaine was pale and looked like he was going to faint at any moment.

"Do you want me to carry you baby?" he whispered. Blaine nodded and held his arms out, almost like a small child. Kurt picked him up carefully, thankful that he was so tiny. He walked up the stairs slowly, aware that Burt and Carole were behind him, and took Blaine up to his bedroom. He sat him down on the bed cautiously.

"I'll help you get out of these clothes in a minute honey, okay?"

"Mm."

Kurt just sighed. Carole pushed Burt out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"I'll help you Kurt," she said. When Blaine made a noise of protest, she rolled her eyes. "Blaine, you're forgetting I have a teenage son. No matter how many times I tell him, that boy can't seem to understand to lock his door when he's… never mind. Besides, we're only stripping you down to your underwear; it's nothing I haven't seen before."

Blaine agreed quietly. Kurt and Carole helped him out of his clothes carefully, until he was sat there in just his underwear. Blaine shivered, his teeth chattering. Kurt turned, opened his wardrobe and pulled out the most comfortable pair of pyjamas he could find, and a big, thick jumper. He helped Blaine change and tucked him into the bed. He fell asleep almost immediately.

"Is he going to be okay?" Kurt asked Carole in a quiet voice.

"He will be. He's going to be feeling pretty tired for a while, but there's nothing we can do about that. It's lucky you found him when you did."

"He won't need the hospital then?"

"No sweetie, he won't. We're lucky I'm a nurse, aren't we?" He just nodded. "Can I ask you a few questions?" He nodded again, knowing they would come sooner or later. "How many times has Blaine done this? You said 'this time'… and I noticed some scars on his arms."

"He's done it twice when he's been here, during the first week. They were nowhere near as bad as this. I think he did it from desperation then. But this time…" Kurt shuddered. "I know he's done it once before, but that was before we knew him."

Carole sighed and stroked a few of Blaine's curls away from his face. "The poor soul; he looks so helpless. I have another question for you, if that's okay?"

"Go for it."

"Did you mean what you said, about going to talk to someone?"

Kurt was silent. It wasn't what he had been expecting – he thought she was going to say something about Karofsky and the school. But eventually, he nodded.

"Yes. Dad's alright told you, hasn't he?"

"He told me the basics, but then you… found Blaine."

Kurt nodded. "Well, I went to talk to someone before. I paid for a six week thing. But I wasn't very honest during it – I lied quite a lot, even though she guessed what had happened. But I want to go again. I… I don't think I can deal with this, not now everyone knows. And Blaine needs to talk to someone as well… I just figured we can go together."

Carole nodded. Then she did something Kurt wasn't expecting. She pulled him into a hug. "I hope you realise that I think of both of you as my sons now, don't you? I know it's difficult, but I'll be here for you, even though I'm not your mother. You don't have to be afraid to talk to me, okay Kurt?"

He nodded slowly. "Thank you Carole," he said quietly. "It means a lot to me. One thing… Will B-Blaine be okay to sleep?"

"Yes. Why, do you want to stay in here with him?" He nodded. "That's fine. I was going to suggest that anyway, in case he wakes up and panics. He only seems to listen to you." She stood up and opened the door. Before leaving, she turned to him. "Kurt?"

"Yes Carole?"

"You're very brave. I hope you realise that."

He just nodded and watched her leave. Once he was alone, Kurt changed out of his blood-covered clothes. He pulled on a pair of Blaine's sweatpants and a hoodie, and then climbed into bed beside him.

"Oh Blaine," Kurt whispered, stroking his hair softly. "Things keep going from bad to worse. You need to get better… We need to get better."


Comments

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Awwwe Blaine is so helpless. It hurts my heart. I imagine how scared he is. I know what it's like to think cutting is the only way to deal with things and it sucks. It feels like everyday is a war and it gets tiring. I love how I can relate to this story and it is just and it is just amazing!

I know, it broke my heart to write this, it really did. Thank you though, I'm glad you're enjoying it!

My heart is also hurting for these two but I know that they have to go through the ultimate worst before it gets better right??? So here is to the road to happier times for these two!! Your story is awesome!!

Aw! And well yeah that's the general idea haha! Thank you so much!