Too Afraid To Love
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Too Afraid To Love: Demons From The Past


E - Words: 2,551 - Last Updated: Jul 01, 2013
Story: Closed - Chapters: 25/? - Created: Oct 14, 2012 - Updated: Jul 01, 2013
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Author's Notes: SERIOUS trigger warning! This chapter contains discussions of sexual abuse, rape, homophobia, physical abuse, talks of suicide and a lot of swearing. I promise from this chapter on things will start to look up for Kurt and Blaine. This chapter was necessary though, please don't kill me.

"As the people from McKinley know, I had a, shall we say, disagreement with Dave Karofsky. But, because we're here with other people, I'll start from the beginning." Kurt's voice was quiet and controlled. "Karofsky is a homophobic bastard. With me, I never had to come out, to anyone. Everyone knew I was gay – I mean, listen to my voice, right? But when I was a freshman in high school, I dressed… differently, nothing like I do now. Well, to people like Karofsky that was a beacon. He made my life a living hell for two years. He'd slam me into lockers, throw slushies at me, throw me in dumpsters – you name it, he did it. Well, one day I'd had enough. I followed him to the boy's locker room and started yelling at him. I wanted to know what his fucking problem was. Well, that bastard kissed me. When I pushed him off, he shoved me against the wall…"

Kurt closed his eyes. Blaine could see that whatever he was remembering was painful.

 

"You fucking faggot, you love it, don't you?"

Kurt was panicking now. Karofsky's face was inches from his – he could actually feel his breath on him. "Leave me alone!" He yelled, trying in vain to push him away.

"Shut up, princess! You're going to love this!"

Karofsky forced Kurt to his knees and unzipped his jeans. "You ready Hummel?"

"No, please god no! Don't do this Dave, you don't need to!"

"Shut the fuck up, if you bite me, I'll make you sorry!" He yelled, forcing himself into Kurt's mouth. He gagged and tried his best not to throw up.

 

"Oh my god…" Blaine's voice was tiny – it wasn't any louder than a whisper, but everyone heard it. Kurt opened his eyes and gave a bitter smile to the people surrounding him.

"Yes, Karofsky abused me. It was brutal, I know that." He shuddered. "It went on for the rest of the school year."

"Kurt, why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Yeah, you were friends with me at the start of school, but then you came back and… you'd changed," Mercedes whispered.

"I was disgusted with myself, alright? Not only was that bastard my first kiss, but he was the first person I ever did anything sexual with. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" There was a few seconds of silence before Kurt continued. "Last summer, he cornered me on the street. He forced me into his car and made me do all sorts of things."

"Kurt, what-?"

"He made me do everything with him!" He snapped. "Yes, I mean everything! It was painful, it was horrible and I fucking hate him for it. I got home and cried – fuck knows how I managed to get home, the amount of pain I was in. I started cutting my wrists to help me deal with it. It was ridiculous now that I think about it, but at the time it was perfect. But then I decided to see someone about it. She told me I had far too much anger, so I started boxing. I've stopped now, but it was the perfect distraction. Then school started again and I was forced to see him again." A dark look appeared on Kurt's face. For the first time, Blaine was frightened. "When he shoved me into that locker, I just lost it."

"Hell yeah you did," Puck said in awe. "I've never seen anything like it."

 

Kurt stood by his locker in silence. Today was going to be horrifying, and he knew it. As if on cue, he was slammed into the cold unyielding metal of his locker. Karofsky was stood in front of him, a disgusting grin on his face.

"Hey, look who's returned. How was your summer, princess? I heard you got a nice hard fuck!"

Kurt's stomach clenched at his comment. What the fuck was he playing at? The bastard had raped him!

"Leave me alone!"

"Oh, you have some fight in you today! Well, I guess you're doing better than this summer, right?"

Kurt saw red, and only red. Before he even realised what he was doing, his hands were on Karofsky and he was punching every inch of his disgusting body that he could reach. He could hear his cries of pain coming from Karofsky's mouth, and the shouts from people surrounding them, but that didn't stop him. Every bitter thought, every horrible act, absolutely everything Karofsky had done flashed before his eyes. Kurt felt someone behind him, forcing his arms behind his back. That didn't stop him from struggling though. He kicked out as hard as he could, a satisfied grin latching itself onto his face when his foot made contact with Karofsky's ribs.

Kurt was dragged away ungraciously. He still wasn't sure who had hold of him. It wasn't until he was sat in the choir room that he realised it was Mr Schuester.

"Kurt, what the hell are you playing at?"

 

"He told me there was a high chance I'd be kicked out of the school for good."

"And why weren't you?" Nick asked in a horrified whisper.

"Karofsky decided to drop the whole thing. I think he realised that I could have told them at any time what made me act like that, so he just said to let it go. I got two weeks of detention, nothing more."

Kurt hadn't realised he was shaking until Blaine put his hand on top of his. The room was silent. They were all obviously in shock – they knew that Kurt hated Karofsky, but they hadn't realised it was this bad.

Kurt was still shaking, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then, he looked down at Blaine.

"Your turn."

Blaine gave a shaky nod. He sat up a little straighter, knowing that this was going to break his heart.

"Um… I know some of you are mad for not telling me about my dad earlier… and I'm sorry for that. But my dad was… horrid. When I was little, he'd lock me in my bedroom. I was so young I didn't understand what was happening, so I carried on doing what I would normally do – I played with my toys, like a normal child would do. I can remember hearing screams from… from my mamma though. And I remember Cooper's voice. It went on for hours sometimes."

He shuddered and felt Kurt's arms tighten around him, trying to comfort him.

"Then there was school. Most people guessed I was gay and they teased me for it. They bullied me before they even knew it was true. When I was thirteen, I snapped and screamed at them that they were right – that yes, I was gay and they wouldn't be able to change that. It only angered them."

 

"Yes! Okay, yes, I'm gay! It's not a choice you know; I can't help it that I'm may be homosexual. But can we please get over this insanity? It's not my fault. I'm still the same guy I've always been, it hasn't changed me!"

Before Blaine knew what was happening, he was on the floor. The other boys kicked him furiously. He heard the chilling sound of metal on brick and screamed in pain as a crowbar was brought down onto his chest. Whoever it was hit him again and again – finally, after several agonizing minutes, he passed out.

 

"When I woke up, I was covered in blood. It hurt like hell to walk, but I managed to get home. As you can imagine, my dad went crazy. Seeing as he hated me in the first place, that day didn't help."

 

"Blaine for fuck sake – how the hell did you manage to get so much blood on your god damn clothes?! I paid good money for those."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Why did you have to cause a fight? What the hell did you do this time?"

"They attacked me because I told them I was gay."

"Why the hell would you do that? You know it'll only cause problems. God, you're more trouble than your worth, boy."

"I might be gay! I didn't just tell them for the fun of it, I told them because it's the truth. I'm not sure how I feel about these things."

"No you're not. I will not have my son fuck up his life by becoming a faggot! Get out of my sight!"

"But dad-"

"NOW."

 

"Things got worse after that. School was cruel, and then I'd come home to the same thing. My mamma had no idea what was going on – she was in her room twenty-four hours a day. Cooper had left home the first chance he got and he'd never looked back. So my dad began to hate everything about me. I mean everything."

 

Blaine had just finished preparing dinner for the evening – he'd made a lasagne for himself and his father. He'd even dished up a plate for his mamma, hoping he could sneak it up to her later on.

"What's this shit?" His father snarled. Blaine tensed immediately – he recognised that tone and knew he should get out of there as soon as he could.

"I made a lasagne for tea, sir. I know you like it so I thought I'd make one."

"I only like the lasagne from that little restaurant, Breadstix."

"Oh, I'm s-sorry sir. Would you like me t-to make you something else?"

His father looked up at him, frowning. Without warning, he launched the china plate at Blaine's face. It smashed on impact, causing him to howl in pain. Then his father was raining down punches on him like there was no tomorrow. No matter how much Blaine screamed, his father never stopped. Ever.

 

"I'm so sorry Blaine," Kurt whispered. For the first time that night, he looked on the verge of tears. Blaine shook his head.

"Don't be sorry – it's… it's in the past now, right? He c-c-can't hurt me anymore. Anyway… Every time he finished beating me, he'd go into his study and drink. It was the best time for me – he was drunk, yes, but he was exhausted from hurting me. So I'd go and see mamma."

Kurt couldn't help but notice how Blaine's expression softened when he mentioned his mother – no, his mamma.

 

"Mamma, can I come in?" Blaine heard the tiny noise from within and opened the door slowly. His mamma was sat, cross-legged on the bed, photo albums surrounding her. "What you got there?"

She waved at him to come over. He closed the door behind him and locked it carefully. Then, he moved and sat beside her on the bed. He was slightly surprised when she leaned into him, resting on his chest.

"Are you having a good day mamma?" he asked kindly. She nodded and he smiled. "Come on then, show me what you've been looking at."

She eagerly pointed out her favourite photos. They were all of him and Cooper. He sat with her for about an hour before they heard the all-too familiar sound of his Andrew Anderson calling Blaine's name. His mamma tensed immediately.

"It's okay mamma, he's looking for me, not you. You'll be safe, I promise. I love you mamma."

She nodded at him and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"I love you too Blaine," she whispered.

 

Blaine wiped the tears from his eyes hastily. "That was the best day she ever had. But then, everything went downhill for her. Dad sent me to Dalton so I wouldn't be with her all the time. I think her mind just… went downhill. Normally I'd go in with her every day. If she was having a bad day, I'd sit with her and calm her down. If she was having a good day, I'd talk to her, tell her stories and we'd look at old pictures." He sniffed quietly. "When I went to Dalton, I felt… different. Of course, I missed mamma with all my heart, but I was free from my dad. I was petrified to talk to anyone though – I was convinced they'd all hate me. Jeff was the one who found me first. I was having a panic attack in the toilets."

"I remember that," Jeff said quietly. "You wouldn't let me go anywhere near you, but you let me sing to you. It helped, didn't it?"

Blaine nodded. "He introduced me to everyone else," he gestured around the room. "And we became good friends. I still had my panic attacks, but they knew how to help me. They'd just sing something and I'd calm down instantly. But then my dad made me transfer to McKinley. It was both the best and worst thing I've done."

"Blaine, you've only been there for three days," Finn said.

"Yes, and look what's happened in those three days," he snapped, although he regretted it immediately. "I'm sorry Finn, that wasn't fair. No, it was the best because I met you all… but it was the worst because… well, just look at what's happened."

"Do you… do you really think that if you stayed at Dalton, your mamma would have been okay?"

Again, he nodded. "She liked me being at Dalton. Even though she was alone all the time, she knew I was safe from my dad. Mamma knew I was happy there."

He closed his eyes. Some of the tears that had been building up escaped.

"When I got home yesterday and I saw her, just lying there. I knew why she'd done it, because I'd thought about doing it several times." He heard the sharp intake of breath from some of the others, but didn't react. "She did it to escape him. I think if I had to go back there, I would have done it too. But Kurt's dad has agreed to let me stay here for a while, so…" He wiped away his tears. "I'm sorry… I really am. I can't believe you all did this disclosure circle with me."

"Blaine, we're your friends," Artie said. "We'll help you."

"We're more than just your friends Hobbit," Jeff said, smirking. "We're your family."

"But-"

"Get it into your thick skull, tribrows. We're here to help."

"Tribrows?" He repeated, unable to conceal his confusion.

"Please," Santana said, smirking. "You think I didn't notice how your eyebrows are in the shape of a triangle? Do you-?"

"I don't pluck them, so don't even go there." She let out a short laugh.

After a while, everyone broke off into their own conversations. Most of them were climbing into sleeping bags. One look at the clock told them why – it was two-thirty in the morning. They had been talking for three hours.

Kurt climbed on top of his mattress and held his arms open for Blaine. He followed, carrying the duvet with him. He lay beside Kurt, throwing the duvet over both their bodies.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"What are you thanking me for this time?"

"Helping me with everything – you didn't have to tell everyone that. I… I'm so sorry."

Kurt just sighed. "Don't be Blaine; they're demons from my past. Yes, I'd like to beat the shit out of him again, but I know I can't do that without getting into trouble… and I can't get into college when I've been kicked out of high school can I?"

"No," he agreed quietly. "What if I kick the shit out of him?"

"Please, you're a puppy," he said, kissing his forehead. "You couldn't hurt a fly."

"No, you're probably right. I'd feel bad if I hurt a poor defenceless little fly."

"Dork," Kurt muttered sleepily.

"Only for you," Blaine replied. They snuggled closer together and eventually, fell into an uneasy sleep.


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Aww poor boys :( they re so damn cute though <3

wow.............