When Kurt wakes up, Blaine is practically curled around his body, his arms and legs wrapped around him. He feels slightly suffocated, but since it's Blaine, he feels kind of okay with it. It's strange to be close to Blaine again, after quite a long time. Of course, a month isn't that long, but it feels like that, because before that they used to be all over each other. Or at least holding hands, staring at each other, things like that. But he doesn't feel comfortable when Blaine looks at him now. He's afraid his boyfriend will see everything that's wrong with his body, laugh at him and leave. He knows Blaine wouldn't do that, but he can't get it out of his head. So he's happy he's wearing a big sweater and sweatpants.

He looks at his watch and notices it's three in the afternoon. His stomach growls and he tries to ignore it. He's unable to escape from Blaine's embrace anyway.

He closes his eyes again and tries to get back to sleep. It's a good excuse to not have to eat something, which he probably does if he wakes up Blaine now. But he can't sleep. His body is aching and he actually wants to go for a short walk, to get some fresh air. So he attempts to untangle himself from Blaine, without waking up his boyfriend. Which proves to be impossible.

"Hmm.. Kurt? Whattareyadoin'?"

"Nothing, honey. Just go back to sleep, alright?"

"Hn.. No.. Kurtie.."

Kurt sighs and gets out of bed. He's a bit wobbly on his feet, but he ignores it, together with the sleepy protests from Blaine. He shuffles to the bathroom, glares at his image in the mirror and starts to pack his stuff. They would travel back to New York after dinner - something Kurt is planning to skip, but that's not relevant. At all.

"Kurt?"

Blaine's sleepy face shows up in the mirror, his curls are a complete mess, but it's the hairstyle Kurt adores most on his boyfriend. A small smile appears on his lips at the sight.

"Morning, you."

"Hey.."

There's a silence, before Kurt is wrapped up in Blaine's arms again, his body radiating a heat that Kurt desperately needs, because, God, he's always so damn cold.

"Show me your arm, baby."

It's a gentle command and Kurt trembles slightly, while he slowly pulls up his sleeve. There's bloodstains in the fabric, which Kurt tries to ignore. Blaine is already getting supplies to clean his wounds.

"Why, baby?"

Kurt hisses when the alcohol hits the wound, the stings sending tears to his eyes.

"Fuck.."

"Why, Kurt?"

Kurt is silent for a moment. He doesn't exactly know why. It had just turned into a habit in the last few months. Before, he had only scratched himself. First his nails, then sharper objects, until the scratches turned into cuts, the objects into razorblades that he got out of his razors. It was so easy to hide. Just long sleeve were enough.

"Because I hate myself."

His voice is barely a whisper and Blaine doesn't instantly reply, silently cleaning the cuts on Kurt's arm and wrist. Kurt guesses he doesn't even know what to say. He knows he sounds pathetic. People were being melodramatic all the time. But he actually means it. He doesn't know if that makes a difference, though.

"I could never hate you, Kurt."

It's a reply he didn't expect, but it goes straight to his heart. He doesn't deserve Blaine and that's exactly why he was going to lose him.

"I don't want to eat anymore, Blaine."

"I know, baby. But you have to. I'm going to make you better."

Kurt smiles, but he doesn't know if it's because he's grateful or because Blaine is so naive.

When it's time for dinner, Kurt plans to pretend he's eating. He can't make the same mistake as the days before. The annoying thing is that Blaine will be watching him now.

The poor guy has no idea that Kurt doesn't even want to get better.

So when Carole puts food on his plate, Kurt smiles at her, thanks her and starts to cut everything into pieces. And smaller pieces. And even smaller pieces. From the corner of his eye he watches Blaine, who soon seems to get bored watching him assault his food and is distracted by Rachel who talks about her newest musical role.

He stuffs a quite large amount of food in his mouth and then accidentally on purpose knocks over his glass of water onto his plate. With a muffled - and very well acted, thank you very much - shriek, he stares at his clothes and runs off to the toilet. He locks the door and spits out all the food he's been holding in his mouth. Then, he uses water to make some wet spots on his sweater and pants, so it looks as if he washed some stains out.

It was so easy to use his habits against them.

He returns to the table with an apologetic smile on his face.

"I'm sorry. I got some stains on my clothes."

Carole nods.

"It's okay, sweetie. Do you want a new plate?"

"Not needed. I'm pretty full."

"Alright, honey. Could you help me clean up in the kitchen?"

"I'd love to."

Mission: zero calories
Completed.

It hurts a bit to continue fooling Blaine, but his boyfriend still doesn't understand. When the boy kisses his cheek and says he's proud of him for eating, he simply smiles at him.

Don't let anyone know your filthy tricks. Don't let anyone get in your way to perfection. They don't know what it's like to be so damn imperfect.

After cleaning up, they travel back to their own place in New York. Kurt is glad to be home. It was so much easier to fool one person instead of five. Even though Blaine knows now and will probably keep an eye on him, he wasn't with him 24/7. Kurt has school and work, so does Blaine. He only needs to find a way to get out of dinner and then it's perfect again.

"Hello? Kurt?"

Kurt presses the phone against his ear, a smile on his face.

"Hey, babe. I just wanted to let you know I'll be home later. I'm working on the project with the people of my group. I'll probably be back around eleven."

"Er.. Okay.. What about dinner?"

"We'll be ordering pizza. Don't worry."

"Don't let the others eat everything."

"I won't."

"Alright.. I love you."

"Love you too, babe. Bye."

Before Blaine gets a chance to say anything else, Kurt ends the call. He didn't exactly lie when he said he wouldn't let the others eat everything. Because there are no others. Kurt is alone. At the gym. He's determined to get rid off the pounds he gained at Christmas. And a lot more.

It's about three weeks later and up until now Blaine has been force-feeding him at dinner. Kurt accepted a few bites every now and then, before complaining he wasn't a baby and he could finish his own meal, taking the plate with him to lock himself up in the bedroom once again. Of course, the food would end up in the trashcan or the toilet, never even having touched his lips.

People are staring at him. Kurt knows why. They wonder why such a fat-ass hasn't come before. Kurt wonders the same. But then he remembers muscles make you look bigger too. That's not what he wants. He wants to disappear. He wants to be tiny and frail so people protect him. So Blaine can never leave him. It's selfish, but he just feels so unhappy in his big, fat body..

So he starts with running. That shouldn't give him too many muscles. He starts slowly, to get into the rhythm and movements, then he turns up the speed of the treadmill. It doesn't take long until he can't feel his legs anymore. His heart is beating on top speed, pounding in his throat, making him nauseous. He gets stings in his waist, his chest, his head. But he keeps on running. Half the room is staring at him, sweat is sliding down his fat body. Disgusting, but a good sign.

His vision is getting blurry and he tries to concentrate on the music his earphones are blasting into his ears. The whole room disappears. The whole world is gone. It's a white, blurry mess with a few colors that are blending together.

He doesn't know if his shoelaces got loose or if the music had the wrong beat, but he trips and rolls onto the hard, freezing cold floor. Maybe he hit his head, maybe it's because he can't breathe. He hears buzzing that's either his blood pumping through his veins or the voices of the people who come running towards him. In slow motion, but they're still there way too fast for Kurt to comprehend. He thinks someone asks if he's okay. He wants to open his mouth and say he's fine, but he feels so far away, and he can't yell, because he feels so weak.

"Blaine.."

Everything goes black.