They've had this conversation before. It's always Kurt who takes the initiative, though, each time he gets sick of the unspoken feelings, gets fed up with the tension between them that is always there, as comfortingly familiar as it is frustrating.

"I saw you looking at that guy, Blaine," Kurt sighs, "everyone did."

"He was hitting on you," Blaine retorts, defensive, "and it wasn't the good kind of hitting, either. He was just gonna use you and spit you out the next day. You deserve better than that."

"Did it ever occur to you that that's what I wanted? Just have fun, one night, no commitments?"

He sees Blaine flinch away and he wonders if he's gone too far. In the two and a half years that Kurt has known Blaine, he's barely ever seen him look at another guy. With the exception of one disastrous coffee date with some guy named Jeremy -or Jeremiah?- which was apparently over before it even started, Blaine had never expressed any interest in dating, let alone anything more. Blaine didn't do boyfriends, and he certainly didn't do one night stands - in fact, if Blaine hadn't specifically stated he was gay when they first met, Kurt might have thought he was asexual. He might have even thought Blaine just didn't do feelings, too, but he knew better than that.

"It's not like you," Blaine finally said, and Kurt grudgingly conceded.

"It's not. But I fail to see why you consider it your holy duty to protect me from predatory gays. You're not my boyfriend, Blaine, you don't get to decide who I hook up with, or when."

The silence that follows is long and deafening, and Kurt's already standing up, ready to go to his room when he hears Blaine mutter.

"I'm sorry."

It's another constant in these conversations: Blaine apologizing. Again. And again.

"I don't want you to be sorry, Blaine," Kurt sighs, sliding back in the couch, "I want you to be honest with me. I want you to be honest about how you feel about me."

"You know how I feel about you."

For the first time during the whole conversation, Blaine looks up at him, and Kurt can see in his eyes the second part of that phrase, the part that Blaine never says but still always hangs between them.

But you weren't supposed to know that.

.

"Let me see!"

"No!"

Blaine held his sketchbook close to his chest, trying to get it out of reach of Kurt, who was practically attacking him now, demanding he could take a look.

"You were doodling me, Blaine, I know you were! Now let me see it!"

Somehow, Kurt got a firm hold of the sketchbook and when Blaine felt it slipping away, there was only one thing left he could do: he grabbed the first page and released his grip on the rest of the book, leaving Kurt to tumble back on the bed with the sketchbook, but without the much wanted sketch.

"Blaine! You promised!"

"I promised to show you if it was good!" Blaine laughed, propping up the sheet and tossing it in the trash can. "That was no good, so I'm under no obligation to show you anything!"

He threw himself back on the bed, grinning as he watched Kurt walk over to rescue the sketch from the trash, mumbling something along the lines of 'bloody perfectionist' under his breath. He was still grinning when he finally realized Kurt had gone quiet, staring at the paper he just picked up.

"Hey, come on, it's not thát bad!"

Blaine tried to keep his voice level, but inside, he could feel the hurt grow. He knew the drawing had been far from perfect, but to elicit thát reaction from Kurt? It wasn't until Kurt turned around and showed him exactly what he was holding, that he suddenly felt ice cold.

It was a drawing, but not the one Blaine had just tossed away. It was a rough sketch Blaine had made the day before, an imaginary scene of the two of them sitting on a couch, Blaine's head resting on Kurt's shoulder, his eyes closed. It was dotted with little hearts, and as Blaine looked back up at Kurt, he knew he wouldn't be able to talk himself out of this one.

.

"Yes, I know how you feel about me," Kurt exasperates, "which is exactly why I don't understand why you keep doing this to me. To you. To us. I care about you, Blaine, I care about you a lot. And I know you care about me, too. So why won't you give this a chance?"

"Because I can't. I can't have a boyfriend. I don't know how to do it. I never had one before and I don't even know how to be one."

It sounds desperate, and when Kurt catches Blaine's gaze his breath hitches at the whirlwind of feelings in the other man's eyes. It's not even vulnerability, it's panic.

"Everybody steps into their first relationship at the same level, Blaine," Kurt tries to reason with him. "I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I was dating Nick last year, and neither did he. But we pushed through it, together. Because that's what you do when you have a relationship: you support each other, and you talk, and you find a way to make it work. You and I, we've made this friendship work, and I know we can take it further. I believe in us, Blaine. Why can't you? What are you so scared of?"

"Losing you," Blaine says, and it comes out so abruptly and so spontaneously that Kurt knows it's not some empty cliché. "You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose that, I don't want to risk that. For anything."

"You are not going to lose me," Kurt says, although he knows it's a promise he may not be able to keep. Blaine knows it too.

"You broke up with Nick."

"And we still go for coffee every week."

Blaine doesn't reply, fidgeting with his hands in his lap until Kurt scoots over to his side of the couch to take those hands, gently closing his own around them.

"I'm just... I don't know if I can do this much longer," Kurt finally says after another silence. "As much as I love Meg Ryan, I can't be your Sally. I can't get over you if I share an apartment with you and I can't move on if you keep getting jealous every time I try to date someone else. And I'm afraid in the end that's what gonna make you lose me, not a failed relationship."

It sounds harsher than he intended it to - the last thing he wants is to give Blaine an ultimatum. But he means what he says: he knows, with the way things are between them, he can't keep it up much longer.

"I'm so scared," Blaine whispers, "so scared of hurting you."

"You won't," Kurt replies softly, using one finger to lift Blaine's chin up and facing him. "You won't."

When they kiss, it's slow, and deep, the fear and insecurities still too present to let the want take over. There's no promise of happily ever after.

-o0o-

It takes getting used to, even for Kurt, to share their apartment as boyfriends rather than best friends. They take it slow, excruciatingly slow sometimes, as Blaine insists they each keep their own room, rather than share one. It only bothers Kurt until he discovers that they usually end up in the same bed after all. Still, Blaine needs his own space, and there are nights when he slips out to his own bedroom as soon as Kurt has fallen asleep, generally after they've had a particularly heated make out session.

Because that's what they do. They make out. They cuddle, and massage, and kiss, they dance together and fall asleep spooning, but they rarely reach second base - not counting that one time Blaine gave Kurt a hand job (with condom), that is. It frustrates Kurt to no end. Yes, he realizes this is Blaine's first relationship and yes, he understands that everything is new for him, but they're not high school kids anymore. And it's not like Blaine is prude, or body conscious -he will never let an opportunity to shower together pass- he simply seems to have trouble with the sexual aspect of their relationship. Still, it's the only thing about them being together that bothers Kurt, and how shallow would he be to complain about the momentary lack of sex if in every other aspect Blaine is a perfect boyfriend?

.

"Hey there, pretty," Blaine purrs into Kurt's ear when he comes home from classes one day, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and hugging him tightly. Kurt leans into the touch easily, tilting back his head despite the wave of cold Blaine is emanating. Blaine gets the hint, placing a trail of kisses along Kurt's neck and nibbling at his earlobe before he finally lets go.

"What are you making?" he asks, glancing over Kurt's shoulder and in the pot Kurt is stirring in as he takes off his coat and casually throws it over a chair. Kurt is about to make a remark when he sees what Blaine has left on the kitchen table.

"You brought flowers? Again?"

Blaine smiles, giving him a quick kiss when he passes him to take out a vase.

"The ones from last week are almost done. And I know how much you love tulips."

It's still amazing to Kurt exactly how well Blaine seems to know him, and how much pleasure it seems to bring Blaine to use that knowledge to make him happy. It's scary and wonderful all at once.

"Can I help?" Blaine asks once the flowers have found a new home on the kitchen table.

"You could chop up the carrots?"

Blaine wrinkles his nose in response and Kurt laughs. He's very well aware of Blaine's aversion towards carrots, but he'd be damned if he was going to live a carrot-free live just because his boyfriend has some inexplicable dislike for them.

Blaine has barely made it through half of the carrots when Kurt hears him hiss.

"Shit!" he swears, and the knife he was holding scatters on the counter as he brings his finger to his mouth.

"What did you do?"

"Thought my finger was a better vegetable than a carrot, apparently," Blaine says jokingly, although his eyebrows are frowned in pain. He holds off Kurt with his good hand when he wants to take a closer look, though.

"Nono, it's fine, I'll clean it up, put a plaster on it."

"With your left hand?" Kurt arches an eyebrow. "Don't be silly, let me help, I know First Aid, I just need to see how d-"

"NO!" Blaine shouts, and that fact in itself is enough to stop Kurt in his tracks. Blaine never shouts, or yells, or even raises his voice, not to anyone, and especially not to Kurt. When he sees the shocked expression on Kurt's face, however, Blaine quickly deflates.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I shouldn't have yelled. I just... You know how I get. With blood. So I just... just let me clean this up myself, ok?"

Kurt nods, still taken aback, as he watches Blaine carefully dispose of all the carrot pieces that got blood over them and clumsily but meticulously rinse the knife and cutting board with his one hand before tending to his finger.

It is one of these things Kurt knows he will never understand about Blaine. The man could watch hospital series or even horror movies where the blood splattered all over the screen and he would be fine, but if he so much as saw a drop of blood in real life, he almost literally went running. It is exactly why Kurt had wanted to help, but it seemed Blaine was alright when it was his own blood that was involved.

Finally, Kurt shrugs, returning to his pots to finish dinner. He's just added the carrots when Blaine returns from the bathroom.

"It smells delicious," Blaine tells him, managing to put a finger in the pot before Kurt swats away his hand. "Tastes delicious, too."

Kurt accepts the compliment by giving Blaine a playful push with his hips.

"Isn't that a bit exaggerated, though?" he asks, nodding at Blaine's hurt finger which is now thoroughly wrapped in at least two plasters and a finger bandage.

"Wouldn't want to bleed all over your designer clothes when we go out tonight," Blaine winks at him, "I know you'd never forgive me."

It's so true that Kurt doesn't even bother to reply, and he presses a chaste kiss on Blaine's cheek.

"Let's eat - I promised Wes we'd be at the club before eleven, and I haven't picked an outfit yet."

-o0o-

When they come home from the club, they stumble inside. They're both a bit tipsy, if not drunk, Blaine even more so than Kurt which is unusual - Blaine generally doesn't drink. Maybe that's why it actually hits him harder.

Kurt giggles as Blaine pulls him into his room, placing sloppy kisses all over his neck and face.

"You're so beautiful, Kurt, so fucking beautiful," he moans against Kurt's neck, trying in vain to get Kurt out of the belts and cords that constitute his vest for the night. "Can I have you? I wanna have you. I wanna have you and keep you forever and ever."

"You can have me," Kurt replies, still giggling, enjoying the way Blaine's hands are traveling all over his body, as if he wants to feel every square inch of it all at once. "You can have me and you can keep me for as long as you like. But first I'm gonna brush my teeth, ok?"

Blaine groans, only reluctantly letting go of Kurt as he lets himself fall on the bed. Kurt can't help but smile as he glances over his boyfriend's relaxed, outstretched body and he makes a mental note to get Blaine drunk more often - he likes this side of him: flirty, and loose, for once not concerned with all the rules he seems to have imposed on himself.

He kind of expects Blaine to have fallen asleep by the time he returns from the bathroom, but much to his surprise Blaine is still fully awake, pulling Kurt in to kiss him as soon as he gets in the bed.

"Well now... someone's enthusiastic," Kurt breathes against Blaine's lips, and it only seems to add to Blaine's fervor because he pulls Kurt in closer, deepening the kiss as he lets his arm trail along Kurt's chest and over his stomach -south, south- until he finally reaches the waistband of Kurt's pajama pants. Kurt expects him to stop, as he usually does, and he gasps in surprise as Blaine slips his hand into his boxers and wraps it around his half-hard cock without any sign of hesitation. It's all sloppy and messy and with little direction, but Kurt's gone so long without this that he really doesn't care.

"Want to try something new?" he whispers, and before Blaine can answer he pushes into Blaine with his whole body, forcing him on his back and straddling him.

"Don't... I don't..." Blaine tries to say as Kurt nibbles his earlobe and presses his hips down to where Blaine's hand is still holding his cock. But Kurt knows what he means - Blaine's always been very adamant when it came to this.

"I'm not gonna fuck you, I promise," Kurt breathes as he places a trail of kisses along Blaine's neck. "Just... let me take care of you, alright?"

He feels Blaine's nod more than he can see it, and his heart's pounding in his chest at the mere idea of what he's about to do. Blowing Blaine has been number one on his fantasy list for a long time and now he finally gets to live it.

He plans to make it last.

-o0o-

It's still early the following morning when Kurt feels Blaine move beside him, and an unmistakable groan signals his boyfriend's waking up.

"You ok?" he asks, eyes still closed.

"Headache," is the mumbled reply. There's a ruffle, and then, surprised: "Did we... sleep naked?"

Kurt chuckles, nuzzling closer to Blaine.

"Oh, we did so much more than just sleep."

"What?"

Blaine jerks up, leaving Kurt to fall back into the cushions with a grunt as he discovers Blaine's not the only one with a headache.

"Did we...? We didn't... tell me we didn't..."

Whether it's the look of horror on Blaine's face or the fact that he doesn't remember what happened the night before, Kurt doesn't know, but he feels hurt, somehow.

"No, we didn't," he says curtly, missing the instant look of relief on Blaine's face because he's folded both arms over his eyes. "You let me blow you, though."

He gets caught up in the memory enough that doesn't notice exactly how uncomfortable the silence that follows is until he hears Blaine speak again, his voice more strained than he's ever heard it.

"Did you floss?"

It's an odd question, even for Blaine, and Kurt lifts his arms to look at Blaine questioningly. All he sees, however, is his back, and a pair of tensed shoulders.

"What?"

"Did you floss, yesterday, before..."

Blaine lets the sentence trail and not for the first time Kurt tries not to think how hurtful his sober boyfriend's aversion to anything sexual is. He certainly hadn't seemed to mind the day before.

"I did," Kurt says, "but why is tha-"

"Did you swallow?"

"Why are y-"

"It's an easy enough question," Blaine interrupts him, raising his voice for the second time in less than 24 hours and turning around at Kurt. "Did you or did you not swallow my cum?"

Under any other circumstances Kurt would have taken full advantage of the dirty-joke potential of that last question, but Blaine is looking pale as a sheet now and something tells him he should just answer.

"Yes," he sighs. "Yes, I did."

Instantly Blaine's face falls, looking like he just saw someone hit his puppy.

"Get dressed," he finally says, sounding hollow. "We've got to get you to the hospital. Now."

-o0o-

"I'll explain at the hospital" is the only reply Kurt gets when he tries to ask Blaine what's wrong, and what it is that's so urgent they need to get to the hospital at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

Although Kurt is sure it can't really be more than ten minutes, the cab ride seems to take forever. Blaine has gotten into a frenzy, talking frantically on the phone for the whole ride. The part of the one sided conversation Kurt can overhear scares the hell out of him, but Blaine is too busy to even look at him, let alone answer any questions.

"Tabita? Stars I'm so happy I get you on duty... could you set up a PEP registry? ... yes, I'm sure... my boyfriend... a couple of hours ago, four, maybe five... yeah, that's what I was hoping... I'd still really want him to come in now... I don't even know, to be fair, I never asked. Negative, I guess... I know!" He's sitting with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his forehead in that way he always does when he feels insecure or guilty. "I know, please, don't tell me that, I know... trust me, I know... I'll see you in... fifteen minutes or so?"

"Linda, it's me, Blaine. Look I'm sorry to call you now but you don't happen to have clinic duty today, do you? ... Kurt... no, I didn't, it's not that - stars, I never thought I'd say this but I wish it was that... we went clubbing, I was drunk..." More forehead rubbing. "Look - I really don't want to talk about this right now but I'm pretty sure he's gonna need PEP and I would just really appreciate it if you were there... we're on our way now, actually... thanks... thank you so much... see you..."

When he gets off the phone, they've just arrived at the hospital, and Blaine leads the way: through a corridor, up in the elevator, third floor, more corridors, doors, a turn and then - a waiting room. Blaine makes straight for the reception desk, and Kurt only catches half of the conversation as he takes in his surroundings.

"Tabita, did you get a hold of dr. Van Buiten?"

There are chairs lining the walls opposite the reception desk, but they look uncomfortable and Kurt doesn't want to sit down right now. He's too anxious, adrenaline pumping through his veins, and although he's sure he has a hangover, he doesn't feel a thing.

"He'll have to fill in this questionnaire, you can do that while you're waiting. Linda called, she's stuck in traffic but she should be here in half an hour."

There's posters decorating the walls, some old and barely readable, others new and shiny, but they all carry the same red ribbon button in their upper left corner. PROTECT YOURSELF, one poster shouts at him; IS YOUR SOCIAL LIFE TOO BUSY? TRY THE AIDS STIGMA! another proclaims. It's messing with his head, because he can't understand why he's here, can't understand why Blaine took him to a Sexual Health Centre without a good reason - a good reason decidedly not the one that seems most plausible right now. Blaine's never had a boyfriend, he's clean, he has to be, and Kurt got tested only half a year ago, so there's no reason for them to be here, really, no reason at all.

"Hey pretty," Blaine's familiar voice sounds next to him, and Kurt turns around to see Blaine looking at him, a clipboard in hand. "We need to do some paper work before I can get anyone to see you."

"I'm not doing any paper work before you tell me what's going on here."

Somehow, Kurt is surprised he's able to muster the calm and the audacity to say it, because it feels like he's dying on the inside, and the guilt that shines from Blaine's eyes brighter than ever does nothing to calm him down.

"I don't understand why you're freaking out, I don't understand why you took me here, I don't understand why I should go along with any of this and I want answers, Blaine, I need answers because you're leaving me guessing here and I'm making up these scenario's in my head and it can't be true, Blaine, please, tell me it is not true."

Blaine is staring at his feet, and Kurt just wants to rush over to him, kiss him, shake him, hug him - but there's a wall of unanswered questions between them and Blaine is the only one who can tear it down. When Blaine finally looks up, he looks empty.

"I'm positive, Kurt."