Judging by the light pouring in through the window the sun has just come up when Kurt wakes up, and he groans as he slowly becomes aware of the kink in his neck and the soreness in most every muscle of his body. There's a faint rustle beside him, the soft sound of fabric sliding over fabric, and Kurt allows himself a few more seconds of imaginary peace before he gives in and reluctantly opens his eyes, only to see Gary standing bent over the chair next to him, an apologetic look on his face.

"Sorry," he whispers, "I didn't mean to wake you up."

" 'S ok," Kurt mumbles back sleepily, rubbing his eyes. "How's Blaine? Any change?"

He scrambles up, craning his neck to look at Blaine, high on the hospital bed, his dark curls only just peeking out from under the sheet.

"Still sleeping," Gary says softly. "Which is the best thing he could do right now, really. I was just gonna get some coffee - want some?"

The mere thought of the generic, bitter concoction that passes for coffee in most hospitals makes Kurt's stomach turn, but after the short, eventful night he's had there's no way he'll survive the day that awaits him without a little help.

"As long as you add sugar," he says. "Lots and lots of sugar."

"Will do." Gary shoots him a knowing smile and straightens himself, a few coins jingling in his hand. "I'll be back in five."

Kurt nods gratefully, letting himself fall back into his seat as he lets his gaze wander back to Blaine. When his dad was in hospital, he'd been hooked up on a heart-rate monitor. Blaine's condition, however, is apparently not bad enough to warrant such technology, and while Kurt doesn't miss the annoying, rhythmic beeping of the machine, there had been something reassuring about the continuity of the lines on the screen, a sense of security that had without doubt been artificial but hadn't felt any less real for it. Now, however, there are no beeps, no graphs - only the steady rise and fall of Blaine's chest under the blanket and the soft wheezing of his breath, and so Kurt holds on to that instead.

There's a soft knock on the door that makes him look up, and he rolls his eyes. For all the money that went into his education it's almost incomprehensible Gary never learned to open a door with two cups of coffee in his hands, he thinks, and when the second knock comes he sighs, wincing as he forces himself to get up, stretching his arms and legs to get the blood flowing again. He can hear muffled voices talking on the other side of the door, and even as he makes his way to the door he can see the lever being pushed down.

"Kurt?"

A dark head pokes around the door, and Kurt does a double take.

"Nick? Oh god - Nick!" He's started shouting before he realizes Blaine is still asleep, and as soon as he does he immediately lowers his voice again. "What are you doing here?"

"Seriously? You leave me a panicked voice mail and five texts about how Blaine is in hospital and you expect me not to come?"

Nick's grin stretches from ear to ear, much too cheerful for the time of morning, but Kurt doesn't resist when Nick pulls him into a hug, closing his eyes as he lets out a breath he hadn't even known he was holding, his body automatically relaxing at the familiar feel and scent of Nick surrounding him.

"You're crazy!" he stage-whispers when they finally let go of each other. "You should be in bed or something, seriously. I just needed to vent a little, I didn't mean for you to come here at... well... whatever time it is now. How did you get here anyways?"

"I got a ride," Nick says, pointing over his shoulder, and it's only now that Kurt sees Nick isn't alone. The tall, blond man entering the room behind him gives him a shy, insecure wave, and it's a testimony to his sleep-muddled brain that the first thought crossing Kurt's mind is not why Brad was even in a position to give Nick a ride but rather why on Earth Brad has a car when he lives in New York City.

"So, how's he doing?" Nick distracts him with a nod at Blaine, and Kurt decides to leave the riddle of Brad's presence for another time, turning over his shoulder to look at the sleeping figure on the hospital bed.

"Ok, I guess," he shrugs, not sure how to answer Nick's question. "You know, given the circumstances. They've started him on antibiotics and they managed to get his fever down, so that's that, at least. They said it's pneumonia, but I think they're still running tests..."

"Well fuck... ," Nick whistles. "You certainly know how to scare someone, don't you, Blainers?"

"To be fair I probably overreacted a little," Kurt admits as he walks back to his chair, "but don't ever tell him I said that." He shoots a warning look at Nick, who immediately pretend-zips his lips, and despite himself Kurt smiles, although his face falls again when he glances back at Blaine. "I was just... I mean, with his switch in medication and all, I thought he might be having this allergic reaction or something. He was burning up and just coughing all the time and... I didn't want to take the risk."

"Of course you wouldn't!" Nick looks at him as if he's gone insane. "Kurt, anyone in your position would have done the same - I'm sure he won't blame you for it."

Kurt lets out a huff, but he doesn't reply, sinking back into his chair instead. His attention immediately and automatically focusses back on Blaine - still visibly paler than usual even if he's been fever-free for a few hours now. But he's ok now, Kurt reminds himself, and he's in hospital, which means that even if something were to happen help is only one shout away. Still he knows they'll have to talk more about this later, that he'll -gently- hit Blaine over the head for worrying him and that Blaine will -equally gently- hit him over the head for dragging him to the hospital in the middle of the night instead of just waiting until morning. But all of that can wait. Blaine's in good hands now, and the best thing -the only thing- Kurt can do for him now is just be there for him.

When he's finally convinced himself that Blaine won't suddenly stop breathing any time soon, Kurt lets his eyes drift away, settling on Nick instead. He's standing at the foot of Blaine's bed, a wistful smile playing around his lips, but although his eyes are on Blaine he doesn't seem to see him, instead focussing on whatever it is that Brad's whispering in his ear. They form an odd couple the way they're standing there - not as close as lovers might, maybe, but definitely closer than strangers would, and the contrast between the short, sinewy, dark-haired man in front and the tall, muscular, blond behind him is so stark that it would have had Kurt burst out in giggles if it wasn't for the fact that this was his best friend, casually chatting with the man who had ruined his boyfriend's life. And even if said boyfriend had forgiven said life ruiner and said best friend is currently looking more at peace -and, dare Kurt think it, happier- than ever before, Kurt isn't quite sure what to think of the scene in front of him. Because Nick would've told him, that is - if there was something to tell. Wouldn't he?

But before he can lose himself further in analyzing a relationship he doesn't even know the exact nature of, the door opens again, and Gary shuffles in, pushing the door with his elbows while clutching two paper cups filled to the brim with coffee.

"Hey man, better run out to get some more," Kurt jokes softly as Gary closes the door behind him. "We've got visitors."

He nods towards where Nick and Brad are standing, but before he realizes what's happening there's a puddle of coffee on the floor and a tall blond man pushed up against the wall.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

.

Nick immediately charges forward in Brad's defense, but he hardly even makes it two steps before Gary roughly pushes him back with his free arm.

"Stay out of this, Nick," he snaps before he returns his attention back to the man in front of him, his face distorted in contempt. "You have no clue what this douchebag did to Blaine. Answer the question, dickhead - what. are you. doing here?"

"The same as you, I'd wager," Brad says, as smugly as he can manage seeing as Gary has his arm firmly pressed against his throat, and even if Kurt's obviously not the biggest fan of Brad he has to admire how calm the man is even as he finds himself utterly defenseless. "Visiting Blaine."

"I told you to stay away from him," Gary grumbles. "I told you I didn't want you anywhere near him ever again, or has the syphilis-induced dementia finally started to mess with your long-term memory?"

"Ooh, someone has done their research," Brad smirks, "I have to admit - I'm impressed. And I appreciate your concern about my health, but I'm syphilis-free, and my memory is quite intact, thank you very much."

"Still doesn't explain why you can't seem to stay away from my little brother."

Gary scowls, but Brad just laughs.

"With all due respect, but don't you think it's time to drop the act? Blaine's old enough to decide for himself who he does and doesn't want to stay away from him."

"With all due respect," Gary counters angrily, "I don't give a fuck."

"Fortunately for Blaine, I do."

But the snide remark only angers Gary even more, and he pushes Brad just a little further up against the wall.

"As far as I'm concerned you've already given one fuck too many," he growls. "So get out or..."

"Or what?" Brad drawls, unimpressed, the challenge in his voice obvious. "What are you gonna do? Hit me? Because I don't think you really want to hurt me, do you? I mean, just imagine if I get a nosebleed..."

Gary's squinting, his breathing fast and erratic, and Kurt's not sure which is the scary part: seeing Gary like this, or never having seen Gary like this before. Either way, and despite Brad's apparent indifference, it's clear the man is in pain, and Kurt cautiously takes a few steps towards them.

"Gary... Gary, you're hurting him - please, just let him go..."

"I'll let him go as soon as he promises to run out of this hospital and never look back," Gary says unforgivingly, not making any attempt to release the pressure even a little bit, until-

"Gary?"

The voice is weak, and a little rough, but nevertheless everybody falls instantly silent when they hear it, and Kurt immediately hurries to Blaine's side.

"Blaine..."

"No," Blaine immediately protests even if he's clearly only half awake, using the arm Kurt's trying to push him down with to pull himself up. "No, no, don't 'Blaine' me now. What's going on? Gary, who is that?"

For a few long seconds no one in the room dares say anything, or even move, but then Gary huffs, and with a final shove and a long, dirty look, he steps away from Brad and out of Blaine's line of sight.

"Brad?"

"It's okay, Blaine, it's-"

"No, it's not!" Blaine's outburst immediately sends him into a coughing fit, but when Kurt tries to help him he pushes him away. "Don't! Just let me... I... Gary, what were you doing?"

"This piece of shit thought it was acceptable for him to visit you on your sick bed and I-"

"Don't call him that!"

"What?"

The shock is visible on Gary's face, his eyes wide as he stares at Blaine, but Blaine doesn't waver.

"You heard me," he tells his brother determinedly, his voice rough but steady even if he's trembling from the effort of sitting upright. "That's one of my best friends you're talking about, and I won't have you insult him."

"Blaine, it's ok," Brad cuts in softly, almost soothingly. He gently pries Nick's examining hands away from the red blotches on his neck, and Kurt doesn't miss how he gives them a reassuring squeeze before he walks up to Blaine. "I can come back another time."

"But he-"

"-doesn't understand," Brad interrupts Blaine's sputtering, the condescending glance he throws at a still-grunting Gary apparently enough to keep him from commenting. "Do you want me to visit again later?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then I'll visit again later, ok?" Brad takes Blaine's hand and leans forward to press a kiss against his forehead. "Besides, I have little desire to be in the same room with someone who doesn't hesitate to spread false accusations about me."

"False accusations my ass." Gary spits out the words. "You ruined my brother's life, you shithead. You ruined his life and then you left him to fend for himself - if that doesn't make you a douchebag I don't know what does."

"Ok, so first of all the only reason I left him is because you told me you'd cut off my dick if I ever came near him again," Brad says angrily, squinting at Gary. "And secondly, I didn't ruin his life."

Gary chokes out a laugh, but before he can start an argument Brad points at Blaine.

"Look at him, Gary. Look at him! Top of his class. Steady relationship. Highly respected volunteer at the community center. Raised, what was it, a hundred grand for HAPE at Christmas? If that's a life 'ruined', I'd really like you to explain to me what a 'successful' life looks like."

For a moment the two men just stare at each other - Brad defiantly, Gary slightly less so as he tries to come up with a counter argument but fails, and finally Brad huffs and turns back to Blaine.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" he says, and when Blaine nods he looks back up, eyes searching around the room until they find Kurt's. "And you take care of him too, Kurt. And thanks for bringing him in, I know he'll tell you you overreacted, but you did the right thing, ok? Hear that, Blainey? He did the right thing."

Blaine, at least, has the decency to look guilty when he glances at Kurt, and he nods again.

"I know."

"Good."

And then they're gone - Kurt has only just the time to mouth an insistent 'call me!' at Nick before he follows after Brad and closes the door behind them, and then it's just the three of them: Blaine, who's let himself fall back on his bed, his eyes closed as he tries to recover from the unexpectedly rough waking up he's had, Gary, who still looks like he's ready to punch a wall, and Kurt himself, who just feels confused. And tired. But mainly confused.

"So... were you ever gonna tell me you were seeing him again?" Gary finally asks, and Blaine lets out an audible sigh.

"After the way you've just treated him, does it surprise you my answer to that question is 'no'?" he asks, eyes still closed.

"He ruined your life, Blaine," Gary repeats his earlier accusation, though he sounds a little more exasperated than before, "so forgive me if I'm trying to look out for you and keep him from ruining it any further. He's the reason you're lying in that hospital bed now, so how can you look at him and know what he's done to you and still call him your friend?"

The way he's looking at Blaine is almost pleading, begging him to explain what he clearly doesn't understand, and Kurt notices he's holding his own breath. Because this is the one thing he's never understood either yet never dared ask, afraid that maybe, even after all these years, the reason why Blaine wanted to stay close to Brad was because deep down he still felt something for the man. And if that were the case, Kurt would rather he didn't know.

But Blaine's answer is not what he expected it to be.

"Have you ever woken up to rushing the person you love more than anything to the hospital because of a mistake you made?" he asks Gary softly before he turns his head towards him, the urgency in his eyes the same as is in his voice. "Have you ever tried to make up for a mistake you could never make up for? Have you ever spent every minute you spend with a person feeling guilty about what you did to them? Do you know what it's like to want something you know could end in disaster all over again, and still wanting it so badly that you just can't help but take the risk even it leaves you scared shitless? Do you know how that feels, Gary?"

The words cut through Kurt's heart like a hot knife through butter, even if none of them are directed at him, but Blaine's not done yet.

"I still dream sometimes, Gar. In my dream I wake up and Kurt's not in bed with me. Sometimes he's just gone - his clothes, his designs, his cat, ... it's all gone. Those are the good ones. Because sometimes... sometimes he's still there, sitting at the kitchen table with a piece of paper in his hand. Positive, the paper says, and he's crying but I'm frozen and I can't reach him, I can't do anything as I watch him slowly fade away, disappear right in front of my eyes until there's nothing left but that damn paper and I wake up sweating all over, heart pounding like a mad man, and I don't know whether the man lying next to me is real or just a figment of my imagination."

"Look, if you want to go back to therapy-," Gary starts, but Blaine doesn't even let him finish.

"I don't want therapy, I want Brad!"

"But Brad gave you HIV!"

"And I let him!"

The words crack through the air like a whip, and Kurt knows better than to come between both brothers now, even if they're looking at each other like they're ready to tear the other's throat out.

"When are you going to acknowledge I am to blame too?" Blaine finally breaks the tension. "When are you going to realize that you're not? Just because he was your friend, and you introduced us, doesn't make it your fault, Gar. And yeah, maybe you shouldn't have given in when I begged you to visit you in New York. Maybe you should've kept a better eye on me. Maybe then I would be negative, and I'd be joking with you over a beer how I still haven't forgiven you for not letting me visit New York all those years ago, and Kurt wouldn't have had to rush me to the hospital last night because he wouldn't even know me. Maybe I would be happier in that life, studying music or acting or something like that. Maybe I wouldn't be. The point is... that's not my life. This, this is my life. Kurt, and HAPE, and psychology, and yes, pills and viruses and guilt. And it's not perfect, but it's mine. And it makes me happy. My life makes me happy. And if fear is the price I pay for making sure I don't repeat my mistakes... then so be it."

"But Brad-"

"-deserves my forgiveness," Blaine finishes his brother's sentence. "I know I can always talk to you, and Kurt, and the support group. But Brad... he's the only person who really understands what I feel when I look at Kurt, the only person who really gets what I put him through. What I put me through. And so I need him. And I need to forgive him, because how else can I expect Kurt to forgive me?"

And for all Gary's law school training he doesn't make it any further than an uneasy shuffle and, after a few minutes, a feeble 'Blaine', which Blaine himself simply waves off.

"Go," he says tiredly. "Just... go. Please."

He closes his eyes again, and when Gary glances at Kurt, clearly looking for some support, Kurt shrugs. Blaine's rant may not have been directed at him, but that doesn't mean he didn't hear it. And for all Kurt is stubborn, he's not too proud to admit to making mistakes sometimes. And maybe he made a mistake in judging Blaine and Brad's friendship.

Gary seems to understand, though, because he nods, and with one last glance at Blaine he reluctantly turns to leave the room.

"Blaine?" Kurt asks cautiously when Gary has finally closed the door behind him. He's not sure whether the 'go' was meant for him too, but he'd really rather not leave Blaine alone right now. Or, well... ever. "Are you sleeping?"

"Just pretending," Blaine says softly, and true to his words he doesn't move, doesn't even open his eyes.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Not unless you're planning to go off on a tangent about how stupid I am to want Brad as a friend."

"I don't think it's stupid."

This time Blaine does move, opening his eyes and turning his head towards Kurt, the look on his face one of apprehensive surprise.

"You don't?"

"I kind of thought you were," Kurt admits as he sits down on the bed next to Blaine. "Before, I mean. I guess I saw him more as the guy who ruined your life and less as the guy who made the same mistake you did. It's just... you always seemed so strong about everything, so confident... and I didn't understand what he could mean to you that I couldn't... I think now maybe I do." Not quite, not everything. But more. "And maybe... maybe I was just a little bit jealous."

"Jealous?" Blaine repeats, genuinely surprised this time. "Why would you be jealous?"

Kurt shrugs uneasily.

"He was your first... you know. And he's... well, have you seen him?"

Blaine chuckles, but when he murmurs a quiet and ambiguous 'Yes, I have' Kurt forgets for a moment that Blaine's in the hospital for a reason and not-so-softly hits his arm.

"Aw!" Blaine cries out, grabbing at his arm and glaring at Kurt. "What was that for? I'm just being honest with you! Besides, if you want to be jealous I think you should be jealous of Nick, not me."

"Seriously when did that happen?" Kurt has instantly forgotten about Blaine's silly joke, because if there's one thing that can distract him from almost anything it's gossip. And right now Nick and Brad are not only a particularly juicy bit of gossip, they're also a bit of gossip Kurt feels he should have some authority on, and yet he doesn't. "How did I not know about that?"

"Hey, don't look at me!" Blaine protests when Kurt stares him down, and he raises his hands in surrender. "You know I'm always the last to notice things like that!"

"Brad didn't tell you anything?" Kurt asks urgently, and Blaine shakes his head.

"I haven't seen much of him lately," he says. "He stopped coming to group somewhere early December, I figured he was busy..."

"... busy with Nick, you mean," Kurt cuts in, suddenly realizing that Nick, too, had been harder to reach the last month. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill them both."

"Maybe that's why he didn't tell you," Blaine suggests, and despite the icy glare Kurt sends him he bravely soldiers on. "It's not like you've been shouting your love for Brad off the rooftops."

That, at least, Kurt can't deny.

"I had my reasons," he says stubbornly, but before he's even finished his sentence Blaine's started groaning.

"I swear if I hear you say one more time that he ruined my life..."

"But he did!" Kurt exclaims, but he backpedals a bit when Blaine glares at him. "At least he drastically changed it."

"Meeting him drastically changed it," Blaine corrects him. And then, after a short pause: "It got me to meet you."

"Blaine..." Kurt starts, but when Blaine takes his hand into his own he falls silent.

"I'm always wondering 'what if'," he says softly. "What if I had thought about protection that night with Brad. What if I hadn't been so drunk that night with you. What if I had had the courage to tell you about me before. What if, despite how careful we're being, something still happens to you. And it's always like - what if my life were better? What if my life gets worse? But what if my life could just be, Kurt? What if we could let go of all the 'what if's and just enjoy what we have, rather than worrying and speculating about what could have been or what might be?" He pauses, staring at their hands where his thumbs are rubbing over the back of Kurt's hand. "I don't want my life to be a 'what if', Kurt. I want my life to be With you."

Kurt is nineteen years old. Eight months ago he found out that his boyfriend, the boy of his dreams, had HIV and he was at risk of being HIV positive himself; it took three months before he was finally declared virus-free. Another three months later, after countless discussions and even more sleepless nights, he finally decided to give his dream boy a second chance and, as a result, ended up rushing him to the hospital no less than six hours ago because he'd mistaken the symptoms of pneumonia for those of an allergic reaction. In short: Kurt has had a pretty stressful year, and it's showing no signs of calming down any time soon.

Kurt is nineteen years old, and he's never been so sure of anything in his life.

"Yes," he says shakily. "Always, always... yes."