“I know where my mistakes are, where I made my mistakes. They're too late to remedy, you know what I mean?" - John Gotti

When Kurt blearily opens his eyes to the morning sun, he only has one thought in his head.  Today, he gets to go home.

And he doesn’t know what to do.

He can’t just get out of bed, grab his suitcase and run.  At some point, Thad will drive him home.  Kurt supposes that time has already been predetermined and he’ll be told when he needs to know.

Blaine’s already awake when he turns over towards him, staring up at the ceiling.  He turns to Kurt and smiles the most genuine smile Kurt’s ever seen on his face.  It’s like he’s just been waiting for Kurt to look at him.

The smile turns sad, though, Blaine’s entire face changing. 

Blaine knows what today is.

Kurt leans over and gives him the lightest kiss on his lips.  Even with everything this man has done in the past three months, Kurt can’t bear to see that look on his face.

Blaine stares at him with such wonder, a hand tracing every inch of Kurt’s face.

As Blaine moves closer, over him, his eyes never leave Kurt’s.

Everything is slow, sweet, loving.  Kurt wants to look away, close his eyes, disconnect from whatever this is that’s holding him in place.  He is completely mesmerized.

He wonders what Blaine sees in his eyes.  What do they give away as he opens and arches and moves underneath Blaine?

When Blaine kisses him, they both finally close their eyes.  Kurt wants to cry.

He’s never had someone look at him like that.  He’s not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

They lay tangled together in the silence.

“I have to go.”  The words seem to echo through the room, breaking whatever spell he was under.

Kurt pulls himself away and cleans himself up.  There’s no need for a shower – he’ll soak in his tub at home.  He starts gathering his few belongings, packing them in the suitcase that’s been buried in the back of the closet for three months.  He’s leaving with more than he brought, but Blaine is insistent that he keeps the things bought during his time here.  Kurt acquiesces, but he’ll never use them, never wear them.  The new coat that fits him like it was made just for his body will go to the back of the closet.  It’s part of Blaine and Kurt desperately needs to distance himself from that, no matter how nice these last days have been.

Blaine hovers, always close, watching.

When he’s done packing, Kurt places the suitcase in the hall.

“Is Thad coming?”

“He’ll be here soon.”

It’s awkward.  Blaine is fidgety and Kurt has never been more calm.  Kurt wanders out to the couch, if only to get out of the bedroom.  Blaine sits close, holding Kurt’s hand and tracing along the lines.

“You know you could stay.  We could be happy.  You’d never want for anything.”

Kurt knew there would be last minute convincing.  Blaine was nothing if not persistent.

“I want to go home, Blaine.”

“We just need more time.  Just you and me – we could go away.  Or just go home for a little while and come back to me.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because of this life.  You can never leave it and I would never survive it.”

There’s a long pause and Kurt almost misses the whispered words.

“I’m sorry.”

It surprises Kurt how much those two words affect him.  Blaine has never apologized for anything.  And saying it now, he sounds so small.

“It’s like there’s a war inside me.  I want so badly to be good.  I just can’t.”

Kurt squeezes his hand, drawing his attention up and the look in his eyes is heartbreaking.

Blaine cups Kurt’s face with both hands and presses their foreheads together.

“I love you.”

Kurt squeezes his eyes shut.  He needs to go, he can’t handle this.

“Tell me you love me too.”  Blaine’s voice cracks, half of the sentence coming in a whisper.

“I can say the words, but you know I won’t mean them.”

“I don’t care.  Just say them.”

Kurt brings his hands up to Blaine’s face.  “I love you too.”

He feels the warm tears on Blaine’s cheeks. 

A soft knock at the door gives him his escape.  “I have to go.”

Blaine nods and pulls his hands back.

“Just one more thing…”  Kurt half expects a threat or even pleading.  “Was there any part of our time together that you were happy?”

Blaine is looking at him so earnestly and Kurt takes a moment to actually think about it.  And that’s what makes the dam break for Kurt, tears falling before he can stop them. 

He nods his head.

And maybe that makes him crazy or stupid or fucked up beyond belief, but there were moments that he was happy.

Blaine gives him a sad smile and then looks down again.

Kurt puts distance between them, opening the door for Thad who grabs the suitcase from the hallway.   He makes one more sweep through the bathroom and bedroom to see if he’s forgotten anything – there’s no coming back.

He’s caught off guard by the unfamiliar sound at first, so used to the quiet apartment.

As he walks out of the bedroom, he sees Blaine sitting with his back to him playing the piano.  Kurt had meant to ask him so many times why he had such a beautiful thing that he never used.

Each note flows seamlessly into the next, a morose melody that he doesn’t recognize.  In that moment, Kurt is thankful for this small glimpse.  He makes his way to the door and looks back.  This is what he will allow himself to remember - a talented young man playing with such emotion, feeling every sound.

He can see just a hint of Blaine’s face from this angle, very much raw and vulnerable. 

Kurt can’t help but think maybe he’s not the one that’s broken.

***

He keeps his eyes dry on the way home – knows his dad will pester him with questions if he shows up looking a mess.

Thad carries his suitcase up the steps to the front door.  Part of Kurt wants to give the man a hug, but he doesn’t.  They regard each other for a moment and then Thad nods at him just once before turning back to the car.  Kurt doesn’t wait for the car to pull away before walking inside.

His dad is lounging in the recliner and the sight makes Kurt tear up with happiness. 

“Hey kiddo.  We were won--  what’s wrong?”

Kurt leans down over his dad, hugging him tighter than he should.

“I’m just so happy you’re here.”  In this chair, in this home, in this world.

Tight arms wrap around him and his dad stays quiet.  Kurt knows his dad is emotional about it too.  He’d likely spent the last three days thinking about how close he came to dying and how that affected Kurt.

Kurt pulls back, pretending not to notice when his dad wipes at his eyes.

“Well your aunt is making some casserole for dinner.  She said she’s trying to put some meat back on my bones and I ain’t gonna lie – I never thought I’d hear someone tell me that.”

“We’ve got a lot to work on to get you back where you need to be.”

His dad nods and fiddles with the remote.

“I’m just going to take my stuff upstairs and get settled in – maybe take a bath and relax.”

“Yah, yah, of course.”

Kurt’s almost to the stairs when his father’s words draw him back.

“You think Blaine will be coming over for Christmas dinner?”

Kurt clears his throat, pushing away the emotion threatening to rise.  “I don’t think he can make it.”

Burt nods and turns back to the TV.

One day, he’ll tell his dad the truth – or at least parts of it.

***

Christmas is wonderful.

Kurt cleaned out the meager funds remaining in his bank account and bought his dad some new clothes since none of the old ones fit anymore.

Both he and his aunt are working hard to get to know one another after years spent separated by both distance and beliefs.  They take a step in the right direction as they both break into a fit of giggles when the realization hits them that they bought each other very similar scarves.  Maybe they have more in common than Kurt thought – good taste says a lot about a person.

It seems like everything changes.  Blaine’s men are gone from the shop as promised and Kurt is glad when his dad promotes Felix to help manage things.  His dad can do a lot, but he’s still a long way from being recovered enough to return to running things fully.

Kurt looks for a part-time job to help with bills, but wants to make sure he still has time to take care of his father.  Maybe he’ll go back and finish school in the fall.  It’s hard to think too far in the future.

It’s taken him days to get to, but he’s finally emptying the rest of his suitcase – all of the clothes Blaine bought for him.  He’s decided to sell them to an upscale consignment shop.  The extra funds will come in handy.

Taking stock of everything, he finds an envelope in one of the pockets of the jacket.  It causes his heart to stop for a second, his name scribbled across the front. 

He puts it on his dresser, not ready to deal with it.

He’s only able to avoid it for a day before he feels drawn to it, sitting at his vanity to finally open it.  In this technological age, Kurt can’t remember ever receiving a handwritten letter. 

It takes a minute to focus, the words becoming more than just a blur.

Kurt:

Tomorrow will be our last day together.  I want to ask you to stay, but I’m not sure I have the courage to.  I know you’ll say no.  Maybe it takes more courage to let you go.  I’ve never been good at that – never been good at goodbye.

That day when I first met your father, he told me you were someone special.  And that you deserved someone equally as special.  You’ve had more than your share of pain and loss.  He made me promise to always protect you.  I make a lot of promises… most of them get broken.  This is one I really want to keep, but you being here with me will only end badly.  I will hurt you.  I don’t know how not to.

I’ve never had someone like you in my life – I don’t know how to handle something precious.

So, this is my goodbye with a small Christmas gift enclosed.  It was my mother’s.  Please don’t throw it away and please don’t send it back.  Everything good in me is because of her.  Maybe you’ll look at this and try to remember that I’m not a monster.  I just somehow got lost along the way and by the time I realized it – I didn’t want to be found.

I wanted more than anything for you to love me even though I am completely undeserving of it.

I want you to be happy.

Blaine

He pulls the necklace out of the envelope and holds it up.  It’s a simple locket with the letter ‘A’ engraved on the outside.  Kurt opens it carefully to find a picture of a woman and a young boy - not more than four or five years old.  They have matching smiles from ear to ear and Kurt doesn’t have to guess who they are.  Blaine’s mother is stunning.

Kurt feels a surge of emotion.  The letter was a lot to take in, but it seemed like the final string holding him to Blaine was released by reading it.  Holding the locket, Kurt can’t help but think of his own mother and losing her when he was not much older than Blaine in the picture.

He closes his eyes and holds the locket to his chest and thinks ‘this.’  This represents someone good, someone kind, someone Kurt easily could have loved.  This is the boy at the piano.

He pulls open one of the drawers in his vanity and puts the locket in a small silk pouch, pushing it to the back behind his other things.

One day soon, Kurt will have to deal with the aftermath of all of this.  Then, maybe he won’t emotionally default to crying when he thinks of Blaine, torn between fearing him and caring about him.

His unseen wounds will heal and he’ll feel comfortable in his own skin again.

All he needs is time.

***