I used to write all the time. I don't remember when exactly I stopped, but all I know is that words haven't agreed with me in a long time.

But something compelled me to write tonight, so here goes nothing.

I met a boy today. Not surprising, really, considering that I go to an all-boys school, but he doesn’t go to Dalton.

His name is Kurt.

I was on my way to a Warbler performance when he stopped me on the stairs. He said he was new, so I brought him along to hear us sing. I knew full well he wasn’t a student. But I just grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hall with me anyways.

We sang “Teenage Dream”. It’s the first song I got to sing lead all by myself on. I mean, I’ve had a few solos so far but this song was mine. And I owned it. Not to sound braggy or anything. I just honestly feel good about it.

Anyways, back to Kurt.

I pulled him aside after the song and we talked for a few minutes. He was so cute – like he was in complete awe that the Warblers are considered cool. Apparently his glee club is basically considered the bottom of the trash heap. Considering how star-struck he seemed to be, I didn’t really want to call him out on spying, so I gave him my number and he gave me his. I told him we could meet for coffee sometime and talk more.

Wes and David think we should call him out for spying on us. I don’t think we really need to. I doubt he’ll pull anything, he seems like a decent guy. And he seemed a little bit in awe of Dalton in general. Maybe glee club wasn’t the whole reason he came.

We’re meeting him for coffee tomorrow afternoon, so we’ll see what happens, I suppose.

In other news, Wes also told me he thinks I’m a serious contender for future solos, including sectionals at the end of the month. Nick and Jeff are as well, so we’ll see what happens there too.

November 9, 2010
4:08pm

I’ve got twenty minutes to kill before this little rendezvous begins, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to write a bit more. If I’m going to make this a regular thing again, I have to keep up with it.

I’m sitting in my room waiting for Wes and David to show up. And then we’re going to meet up with Kurt.

Kurt, who I can’t stop thinking about since our meeting yesterday. Kurt, who I only talked to for five minutes. Kurt, who for some unknown reason has suddenly become an object of complete fascination for me.

But maybe I’m not even looking at this right. Kurt came to see us perform, but no normal spy would react so enthusiastically. It was like he was…I don’t know…completely captivated by us. I told him the Warblers were like rockstars – the most popular kids at Dalton, and it was like he had never even considered that possible.

There’s something more to this kid than what he was telling me. I just want to know what it is.

7:22pm

It suffices to say that this afternoon went a little differently than I expected.

I was right in assuming there was an ulterior motive in Kurt’s spying on us at Dalton.

He’s gay.

I kind of assumed he was just by the way he dresses and talks, but he confirmed it. And he’s bullied. All the time. Almost as bad as I was, from the sound of it. Taunted, shoved against lockers every day by the same guy. The “Neanderthal” he called him.

I knew something was wrong. I could just feel it. He asked if we were all gay, and I told him I was. And then as soon as Wes mentioned Dalton’s bullying policies, Kurt got this look…like he was about to cry. So I asked Wes and David to leave us alone for a minute and Kurt started telling me everything. How he’s the only out kid at his school, and how no one notices what he’s going through.

I couldn’t help but tell him I knew how he was feeling. That I’ve lived it too.

I told him to confront the guy. “Refuse to be the victim” I think I said. Because I ran, so he shouldn’t.

What if I’m not really helping this kid? What if, in saying that, I’m just trying to feel better about how I handled things? Or, better yet, how I didn’t handle things?

…

I was having such a good week, too, with getting the “Teenage Dream” solo and everything. And now Kurt suddenly appears and all I want to do is be some sort of…I don’t know…mentor to him…and he’s making me question my motives already. Maybe things will get better for him and this can all be over soon. I want him to be okay, but my head hurts from thinking about this so much.

November 10, 2010
11:49am

I’ve been writing for two days. I’ve known Kurt for two days. Maybe a lot has happened concerning him, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing else exciting in my life, right? I haven’t heard from Kurt all day, so I’ll use my lunch break to fill you in on the rest of my life.

No. I don’t need to make excuses as to why I’m not writing about him. It’s fine.

But I digress.

Tuesday was school picture day.

It makes us sound like second graders when it’s phrased like that, but still, that’s in essence what it is. And of course, the teacher running it, Mr. Wilson I think, somehow managed to mess up the schedule, so even though I was supposed to be at the top of the list alphabetically, I got stuck on at the end with all the students who turned their forms in late. It took almost 45 minutes before I could even sit down on the little stool and smile pretty for the camera. That’s why I was running late when Kurt stopped me on the stairs.

…and I mentioned him again.

I really need to clear my head for a while.

November 11, 2010
11:43am

Clearing my head didn’t exactly work out. Kurt and I were on the phone for almost an hour last night. I don’t even know how it happened, really. But he called me. He said he had a rough day, so we talked. He didn’t even go into much detail about what happened. We wound up talking about his glee club, actually. They’re competing: boys vs. girls with “mash-ups”…something I guess their director made up last year.

It was kind of nice to just listen to him. He seems so…genuine. I like that.

At one point at the end, though, I could tell he was starting to get upset. And then he decided: the next time Karofsky (the Neanderthal) does anything to him, he’s going to confront him.

I’m proud of him. I barely know this guy, and yet I’m proud of him. If I could go back and stand up for myself a year ago, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Kurt’s scared. I know he is, even if he won’t say it straight. So I decided to text him today to make him feel better. It made me feel better too. All I said was one word: COURAGE.

Maybe this can help both of us…

November 12, 2010
12:09am

I can’t sleep.

Kurt called me hours ago.

He did what he told me he was going to. He confronted Karofsky. And no, he didn’t get beat up or anything (thank god).

He kissed him.

Karofsky kissed him.

I thought Kurt was joking at first, but no – why would you joke about that? And he had clearly been crying. I could hear it in in voice. He’d probably been crying ever since it happened. That’s sexual assault.

I’m supposed to be helping Kurt. So I didn’t let him know how angry I was. I was calm, put-together, knows-what-he’s-talking-about Blaine. The one Kurt trusts.

Courage.

Kurt said that’s what made him do it. My message. I feel so guilty. What if something worse had happened? What if Karofsky had hit him or – or forced himself on him or something? I don’t think I could deal with that.

He asked me to come with him tomorrow to confront Karofsky again. He’s terrified. He doesn’t want to do it alone. I told him I’ll go. He won’t have to do it alone.

I’ve been sitting here for an hour since hanging up with him…second guessing that decision.

I don’t know what to say to him.

But I have to go. I promised Kurt that I would and I’m not going to back down from that promise. I told him he won’t have to be alone.

November 12, 2010
10:32pm

It’s been a long day.

I just took an almost hour-long shower tonight to just think. I just stood there under the hot water. I think I washed my hair twice because I was so distracted.

Let me start at the beginning.

I skipped my last two classes this afternoon to go to Lima to meet Kurt. I haven’t skipped a class since middle school. But I did. I drove slowly, trying to give myself time to breathe before I got there. It must have worked. Kurt told me after that he was glad I handled everything so calmly.

I don’t know where my sureness came from. I told Kurt that I would do all the talking. I started the conversation with Karofsky. I could feel how scared Kurt was, so I did it.

I told Karofsky I knew what happened. I told him I knew how confused he must be, how hard it is, and that he wasn’t alone.

And he pushed me into a fence.

For a split second I thought he was going to hit me. Or hit Kurt. I froze up. I panicked.

And Kurt stepped in front of me. He pushed Karofsky off me and yelled at him to stop.

And he did.

He walked away.

For a few seconds I couldn’t move. I was frozen against that fence until Karofsky disappeared around the corner.

But I had to be okay. I had to. For Kurt.

He was almost in tears by the time Karofsky was out of sight. He told me that he’d never really been kissed before yesterday. His first kiss was stolen by someone so afraid and ashamed of who he is that he’s become a bully to hide it. I wanted to get angry again, but I couldn’t. I chose something else in that moment.

I’m going to be there for Kurt. I’m going to help him however I can. Even if it’s simply by being his friend.

I think we’re friends now. I mean, maybe we have been since we met, but I think it’s real now. We went out to lunch and just sat there for almost three hours talking.

He told me about how his mom died when he was very young, and then his dad had a heart attack just last month, and on top of everything else, he’s terrified of losing him too. He told me more about his glee club, the New Directions. He told me how much confidence I had given him just by being there with him this afternoon. I gave him one of the school pictures we got back today. Maybe that will give him confidence when I'm not there. I told him about Dalton and the Warblers. We talked about music, movies, fashion, school, our friends, food, musicals; everything.

We’ve even been texting since we each got home.

Yeah. I think we’re friends now.

…no.

We’re definitely friends now.