Showmance

Early Saturday morning found the boys back in Thad and Davids dorm. Thad and David were the only ones completely awake, they were both sitting against the headboard of Thads bed. Nicholi and Trent were on Davids bed, their backs resting against the wall, Jeff flung across their laps. Richard, Nick, Ethan, and Flint sat on the floor in front of the television. Cameron stood by the door with his arms crossed and a light scowl. Blaine lay on his side at the end of Thads bed. Which left Wes, who was nowhere to be found.

"Somebody did wake him, right?"

"He has prefect duties at five. I sent him a text message an hour ago. Someone probably grafitied the bathroom mirror again and hes wiping it off." Said Thad.

"Ugggh! Your right!"

"I doubt it." Cameron drawled. "Hes probably just sneaking around with a girl and he forgot."

"Wes with a girl? Sure"

"I still say hes cleaning grafitti."

"Hes not."

"How are you so positive."

"Who do you think wrote those things on the mirror last time?"

"That was you?"

Blaine opened his mouth to play mediator between the two but the door burst open.

"Lattes boys." Wes chimed, carrying a large box stacked with coffee cups. "Help, please. These are heavy."

Nicholi, Blaine, and Thad jumped up from their spots and scrambled to get to Wes, who was struggling under the weight of the precious cargo.

"Ow."

"Thank you." Wes said.

Nicholi took the box out of his hands and placed it on a nearby table. Blaine began taking the full coffee cups and setting them beside the box. Thad doled out the lattes to the eagerly awaiting Warblers.

"Thats so much better. Ah." Cameron sighed between sips.

"Ow."

While the other boys took one from Thad, Wes made himself comfortable next to David nursing his own cup. Thad handed Blaine one and took the last for himself. All of the boys settled back in their previous spots.

"Ow!" Jeff shouted.

Blaine started and looked around to figure out where the noise came from. His eyes landed on the floor next to Davids bed.

"What Jeff?"

Jeff picked himself up off of the floor and dusted himself off all the while glaring at Nicholi. He went over by Nick and stood there expectantly with his arms crossed. Nick rolled his eyes and scooted over.

Jeff snapped his fingers above his head. "Thad. Coffee!" He demanded petulently.

"Excuse you?"

"I needs my caffeine."

Thad smiled smugly. "I took the last one."

The utmost look of betrayal crossed Jeffs features. He sputtered, "What?"

Thad shrugged. Jeff jumped up and practically lunged at the now empty box. He grabbed it and turned it upside down above his head then began shaking it. Once sure that no latte would magically appear from its depths- of about 1 by 1 feet- he tossed it and gave it a kick for good measure.

"Wes!" The blonde whined.

Wes looked troubled. "I bought eleven. Im sure of it."

Nick huffed and rolled his eyes, then stood up. "Who pinched Sterlings joe?"

Each boy looked at the people next to him. Nicholi actually started looking in random nearby crevices until Trent smacked him.

"Wait!" Wes said. "I bought eleven. I drank one in the car, then I took another one when I got here."

Nick clapped his hands. "Mystery solved." He announced, trying to sit back down. Jeff pinched his thigh causing him to yelp and jump away. Jeff then shot up.

"Nobodys moving until I get coffee!" He threatened. In his left hand he held the remote control above his head.

"How did he even get the remote?" David questioned.

"Jeff sit your ass down!" Nick said in exasperation. "Here, you can share mine!"

Nick held his cup up and wiggled it. Jeff eyed it suspiciously before plopping down and snatching it away. While he drank deeply he tossed the remote, hitting Wes in the face. David had to restrain the normally calm boy from charging.

"Serves you right for taking two." Jeff muttered.

"Ive been up since four! I bought them!" Wes argued.

Thad reached over and picked the remote off of the floor. He motioned for someone to flick the light switch. Once the room was consumed in semi-darkness, and everyone caught that as the signal to settle down, he pressed the play button.

SCHOOL PARKING LOT-

Will pulls into the school parking lot in his car. His license plate reads "glee." He exits the car and walks toward the school. Rachel approaches and walks alongside him.

"Mr. Schuester!" Calls Rachel.

"Yeah?"

"I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal." Rachel says.

"Thanks, Rach, but I already got one picked out."

Finn appears at Rachels side, reaching out to wheel her schoolbag for her. Will falls behind.

"Let me help you with that." Finn offers.

"Thanks, Finn. Youre so chivalrous." Rachel fawns.

Finn smiles unsurely. "Thanks. Thats a good thing, right?"

Will moves to walk alongside Mercedes, Artie, and Tina.

"Morning, guys." Shue greets.

"Hey, Mr. Schue. Were just learning some runs." Says Mercedes.

"Oh, yeah?"

"So it goes-" Mercedes starts vocalizing.

Tina and Artie follow her lead.

"With the finger, huh?"

"Pretty fly for a white guy."

"Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, dont be late for rehearsal this afternoon."

"Okay."

"All right." Will says.

Will separates from the three and continues walking toward the school. Puck, Kurt, and five male students in letterman jackets are standing in front of the dumpster. Puck has his arm around Kurt.

"So everyones lives are suddenly super awesome, in sync with one another, and everyone is best friends. Then theres Kurt, still getting tossed in the dumpster."

The guys shrugged.

"I dont get it." Ethan said.

"He was being-"

"No. I meant why doesnt Kurt just hide out until the jocks are cleared out. He might be late some days but hed be safe. Or he could park somewhere else or something."

"First, this was written by someone for entertainment, which Im choosing to ignore to answer. I sort of understand why he wouldnt hide or try to make a break for it. While getting tossed in dumpsters is super demeaning, running away is cowardly."

"Cowardly it may be, but self preservation should be an instinct. Besides he doesnt have his pride either way."

"Doesnt he? Rather than taking himself out of harms way, everyday he chooses to face his bullies and walk in with his head held high."

Im jealous of him for doing something I couldnt.

"Blaine you werent just being thrown around or pushed into lockers. You didnt have a choice." Wes said knowingly.

Blaine smiled sadly. "Didnt I?"

"So hes martyr." Cameron, who didnt hear or ignored their exchange, said skeptically.

"Not really." Blaine thought a moment, looking for the right word. "Just admirable."

"Guys? Its a television show."

"Were just having fun. Like when we rented Resident Evil, you were screaming at my laptop."

"Okay, okay! Weve had our moral discussion of the day, psycho-analyzed Blaine, and established that this is in fact a fictional program designed for your entertainment," Trent took a deep breath. "Can we play it?"

"Morning, Kurt."

"Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue." Puck greets.

Kurt watches Will pass with apprehension.

Will chuckles. "Lets go Titans."

"Yeah." Puck waits until hes gone, before making to grab Kurt. "Come on."

"Wait." Kurt says loudly.

Kurt throws his bag into the arms of a jock.

"It seems Finns started some kind of tradition. Maybe they can change, just- veeery slowly."

Kurt looks at the jocks distastefuly. "One day, you will all work for me."

Puck and another student lift Kurt and toss him into the dumpster.

SCHOOL HALLWAY-

Will walks down the hall and turns to address a student.

"Diana, thank you so much for that apple. It was very, very nice of you. All right?" Will chuckles.

Emma stands at the top of the stairs, looking at her watch before rounding the corner. She approaches Will as he walks toward her with his head down, and they collide.

"Oh!"

Emma gasps. "Oh, Will! Oh, gosh."

"Hey, Emma."

"Hi."

"Hey. I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club - Its where I belong."

"Oh, its no problem. I mean, its what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. Im a guidance counselor." Emma rambles.

"Yeah, you are."

"Oh, look. We match. Periwinkle." Emma pats Wills vest.

Will looks down. "Yeah."

Santana and Quinn appear at the top of the stairs and walk by. Santana rolls her eyes.

"Get a room." Santana says sardonically.

"Ms. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesnt like to be kept waiting."

"Whos the student and whos the teacher here?"

"You got it."

Will chuckles nervously.

SUE OFFICE-

School bell rings. Will opens the door.

"Hey, Sue. You want to see me?"

"Hey, buddy. Come on in."

"How many times have they said hey already?"

"Six." Jeffs answered.

Sue, dismounting the elliptical she had been using, wipes her face with a towel.

Sue groans. "I just blasted my hammies."

"Oh."

Sue laughs. "Iron tablet?"

Sue tosses a bottle of pills to Will

"Uh-"

"Keeps your strength up while youre menstruating."

"I dont menstruate."

"Yeah? Neither do I. So, I had a little chat with Principle Figgins and he said that if your group doesnt place at regionals, hes cutting the program. Ouch." Sue says sarcastically.

"In that case: thank God Figgins isnt our principle." Ethan said.

The guys sighed heavily at the reminder that they didnt make it to regionals.

"Dont bring it up." Nicholi warned. "Its too soon."

"You know, you dont have to worry about Glee Club. Were gonna be fine."

"Really? Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner."

Sue walks over to her desk and retrieves a book, displaying the cover to Will.

"Show Choir Rule Book. And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half. Here."

Sue hands Will the book.

"Cripple in the wheelchair." She clarifies. "I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you. Maybe you could find some recruits."

"Now shes picking on special ed kids? Thats low."

Sue hands Will a slip of paper and picks up a pair of hand weights. She lifts them into the air repeatedly while continuing the conversation.

"Cause Im not sure theres anybody else whos gonna wanna swim over to your island of misfit toys."

"Are you threatening me, Sue?"

"Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha."

Sue sets the weights down.

"Lets break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me."

Will stifles a chuckle.

"So heres the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it. Its time. And then Ill be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates. Itll be very rewarding work for you."

"You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know youre used to be the cock of the walk around here."

Jeff chuckled making Nick slap a hand to his forehead.

"What? Its a funny expression."

"Oh."

"Offensive."

"But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition. Were gonna show at regionals. You have my word on that."

Will tosses the pills back to Sue and opens the door.

"Have a good day."

Will exits. Sue smiles to herself.

SCHOOL HALLWAY-

Bell rings. Quinn and Finn are having a conversation as Finn retrieves books from his locker. Rachel is at her own locker a few feet from them, facing away. She angles a small mirror in her hand to watch the exchange behind her.

"We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years."

"Yeah, I know."

Prom king and queen. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself."

"Look, youre making too big a deal out of this."

Rachel closes her mirror and settles for listening intently.

"Okay. Lets compromise. If you quit the club, Ill let you touch my breast." Quinn proposition.

"Under the shirt?" Asks Finn.

"Over the bra." Quinn corrects.

Finn pauses, momentarily conflicted.

"Wow."

"Hey, at least he has the shame to look conflicted."

"No. No, I cant."

Quinn scoffs.

FINN: I want to do Glee. Im really happy when Im performing.

QUINN: People think youre gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.

FINN: Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everythings gonna work out.

Finn closes his locker and exits.

Quinn turns to Rachel. "Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him. You can sing with him. But you will never have him."

RACHEL: I understand why youd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But Im an honorable person. I dont need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glees status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it.

Rachel turns to walk away and two slushies are promptly thrown in her face. Puck and another jock, the culprits, high five each other as they walk away.

"Awesome." Puck cheers.

"Holla!"

Bell rings.

CHOIR ROOM-

The Glee Club is singing and dancing to "Le Freak" by Chic. Will critiques them as they perform.

"Energy, guys! Its disco. Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. All right. Were freaking out. Lets go. And up and out and down. Good. Good. Good. Good, guys."

Rachel kicks out her leg while dancing, coming uncomfortably close to Mercedes face.

"Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah!" Mercedes yells.

Brad, the piano guy, stops playing wearily.

"Poor piano man."

"First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you!" Mercedes turns to Shue. "And, also, this song is terrible."

WILL: No, no, no. Its not the song. You guys just need to get into it.

"No, its the song. Its really gay." Kurt comments.

"Warbler Blaine, do you concur?" Ethan asked in a pompous voice.

Blaine shifted uncomfortably. He and Nicks eyes met briefly, then they quickly looked away. Blaine mumbled something unintelligible.

"Im sorry, what?"

"I kindareallylikedisco."

Nick took a deep breath. "I happen to love disco."

This confession gave Blaine a little more confidence.

"Weve actually been to that disco club down the road twice now." He said in a small voice.

"It was a lot of fun."

"We need modern music, Mr. Schue." Artie says.

"Im sorry, guys. We dont have time to discuss this. Were doing this song this Friday at the pep assembly." Will says finally

"In front of the whole school?" Tina asks incredulously.

"Exactly!" Will says mistaking her outburst for excitement..

KURT: Theyre gonna throw food at us. And I just had a facial.

RACHEL: Ill press charges if that happens.

WILL: Guys. I cant express to you how important this assembly is.

Finn appears terrified. Rachel looks at him with concern. The rest of the club are visibly upset.

WILL: We need recruits. There are six of you. We need twelve to qualify for regionals. We have no choice or the club is over. I know you guys dont like this song, but we took nationals back in 93 with "Freak Out." Its a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.

FINN: Im dead.

Rachel continues to look concerned as the rest of the club move away.

PROSPECTIVE HOME-

Will and Terri are seated in the living room of a house they would like to buy. A realtor stands before them with a small-scale model of the house.

WILL: father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. Im not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.

REALTOR: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.

TERRI: I have a question about the trees. Its always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well, obviously were expecting a family. And I have a real sense it might be a girl.

As Terri chatters on, Will becomes more uneasy.

WILL: Still, I cant believe were actually doing this. It all happened so fast.

FLASHBACK TO:

WILLS APARTMENT, DINING ROOM-

Will and Terri are seated at the table with Terris sister, Kendra, and her husband. Kendras three sons are running around the table, screaming continuously and causing damage.

WILL: It all started when Terris sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.

KENDRA: (To TERRI) Well, I just dont understand where youre planning on putting the nursery.

TERRI: I know.

WILL: Well, we have a second bedroom.

KENDRA: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing thats gonna keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. (To WILL) Postpartum runs in our family.

Kendras husband rises from his seat.

KENDRA: Where are you going?

HUSBAND: (hesitantly) Bathroom. All that bran.

KENDRA: No, you cant. Kyle needs his inhaler.

Husband sits down, looking dejected. Will lets out a scream over the noise and ends it with a laugh. He is overwhelmed by the screaming boys.

KENDRA: Anyway, this conversation is over. Theyre starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.

Terri gasps.

KENDRA: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.

"Can I eat this?" Kendras husband asks her.

Will lets his fork drop to his plate in frustration. The screaming persists.

PROSPECTIVE HOME-

The Realtor leads Terri and Will through the house.

REALTOR: This banister was made by Ecuadorean children.

Terri gasps in excitement.

WILL: Its great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why cant we buy one of those? Theyre half the price.

TERRI: Im not raising my baby in a used house. Theyre not clean.

"My parents are loaded and they bought a used house, where I was raised."

They enter the kitchen and Terri gasps.

"Look at the sun nook. Isnt it beautiful?" Terri gushes.

"Is it extra?" Asks Will.

REALTOR: Mm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model. Everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra 14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24.

Will sighs at the price.

REALTOR: Ill let you two talk.

TERRI: Thank you.

WILL: Thank you. Hmm. We cant afford this.

TERRI: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebees and we wont run the A.C. for the first couple of summers.

WILL: Well, we certainly cant afford the grand foyer and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, well lose everything. You need to pick one.

Terri chuckles. "Come with me. Im gonna show you something really special."

PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM-

Will and Terri are standing in the doorway of a bedroom decorated for a little girl.

"This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep." Terri says.

"Hey now you cant say shes homophobic! Thats something."

Blaine stared at him doubtfuly. "Doesnt change the fact that shes bat-snap psycho."

"I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me.

WILL: I love it, Terri, but we still cant afford everything.

Terri sighs.

TERRI: (To herself) Its my very own Sophies choice. (To WILL) Fine. Im gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles.

Will sighs and looks away.

"Think of our family, Will. This is our dream."

WILL: I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money to make that dream come true.

"Lets go sign those papers." Will says to Terri.

Will places a kiss on Terris forehead and exits.

"Yes!" Terri whispers.

CHOIR ROOM-

Kurt and Mercedes are talking swiftly to themselves. Rachel is sitting behind Finn in the stands, looking at him with longing.

"You need to call me before you dress yourself." Kurt tells Mercedes.

"Whatever. Whatever"

"You look like a Technicolor zebra." Kurt insists.

"Youre a hater. Thats what you are."

"I look like Im a part of it." Says Kurt in disgust.

"Youre trying to copy me." Mercedes argues.

"It looks like I planned it."

"You know what, if your hair was longer, youd have curls."

"Umm, what just happened?" Asked Flint.

"I believe diva and gay have found Zen. A beautiful friendship has just formed." Jeff answered mystically.

Will enters. Tina and Artie appear on screen.

"All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?"

"Ooh, Mr. Shue in his Kanye vest challenged Mercedes to a Kanye test. She better perform her Kanye best, so that they can be Kanye impressed. Afterwards, shell need a Kanye rest in her Kanye nest, Kanye lest she breathes properly through her Kanye chest. If they sing Kanye West well at assembly then all of the jocks that called them dumb will be a Kanye jest.

"Are you almost done?" Cameron snapped in exasperation.

Jeff pursed his lips and held up a finger for them to wait a moment. Camerons eyes bugged out and he made to lunge at him. David was faster and grabbed Cameron around the waist.

"Ima let you finish." David nodded at Jeff

Jeff nodded at him gratefully, to which David returned a peace out gesture. I gotchoo he mouthed.

"But if the school cant Kanye digest their artistic genious, theyll be Kanye depressed. Cause they cant go to their Kanye contest." Jeff waved his arms insanely. "Oooooooh!"

"Im Kanye impressed."

Will begins to hand out sheet music. Several students gasp in excitement.

"For the assembly?" Mercedes asks hopefully.

"Oooo."

I wonder where Kurt got his shoes.

"What?" Thad paused.

I really want those shoes.

"Nothing!" Blaine swiftly replied.

Theyre really cute.

"Whatever."

"No. We wont be ready in time. Were still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire and itll be awesome at sectionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If were gonna succeed, we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened." Shue passes out the sheet music.

Trent actually guffawed. "The judges wont vote for a group singing a song that is more or less completely bleeped out."

"Honestly." Richard agreed.

Flint, Ethan, and Nick laughed at the absurdity of it all along with them.

"No." Thad spoke up, much to everyones suprise. "Year after year we give them the same old classic- and by classic I mean classic as in Big Rock Candy Mountain classic- rock songs. Along with the same stool choir routine. They know what theyre going to get so they probably dont even pay any attention."

"They dont." Blaine said sadly. "At sectionals the beauty queen judge saw our uniforms and started filing her nails. The other two judges were too busy oggling her."

"Exactly! So we need something that will hold attention and make the judges look!"

"If youre gonna eat mat, eat at hard." Jeff added.

Blaine turned to the blonde. "Did you just quote Stick It?"

"Yes I did." Jeff grinned proudly. "Nicky and I watched it last week," He stopped smiling at the rooms shocked faces.

"Its a good movie." Richard said.

Ethan groaned. "Not you too. Isnt that a chick-flick?"

"No, its actually really funny. We should all watch it together sometime."

Cameron abruptly stood up. "This is ridiculous. Back to the topic, if we performed that the judges would lose interest before we shouted the last profanity."

"Have you seen the judges?" Nick retorted sardonically. "When they pick them its like the Hunger Games. No one wants to judge a show choir competition in Ohio."

"The Four Seasons isnt going to cut it anymore. Cameron do you want to sing Big Girls Dont Cry again? Do you?" Questioned Jeff, hysterically grabbing Cameron by the collar.

Cameron looked uncomfortable, and not from being manhandled. "Its a good song-"

"But?" Jeff prompted.

"It isnt going to win us a title. At least not from those judges." He answered grudgingly.

Jeff released him.

Wes spoke up. "The Warblers do need more modern music, as opposed to doing the same Broadway classics and typical stool choir songs that weve done consecutively. We need to take more risks.

"Whoa." Flint smirked. "Wes Montgomery wants us to be risque!"

Wes smiled indulgently at his fellow members teasing. He may seem like a stick in the mud guy, but damnit! He wanted that nationals title he was being denies by playing it safe with the current council.

"I know we have a lot of talent going unacknowledged." Wes paused. "I am also very keen on the idea of adding actual choreography to our group." He added as an afterthought.

This definitely caught the boys attention. Many of them had been put through many a ballet, tap, ballroom, and every other kind of dance lesson as children. These were wasted on awkward side to side shuffling with the occasional world famous Warbler turn. Blaine personally had always felt the urge to test out those Dalton sofas, but didnt dare place any thing other than his back end touch the expensive leather after what happened to Jeff and Nicholi.

One day before the seniors arrived for practice the underclassmen had done a small impromptu performance of Love Shack, and when Jeff and Nicholi started banging on the tables during one part the council walked in and saw them. Needless to say they were thoroughly chastised and forced to pay for damages. There werent any.

"Can we play now?" Thad asked.

All of the little side conversations broke up and everyone nodded. Blaine sat back down next to Nick, and Cameron took a new seat by Richard, away from Jeff.

"You would sound really good singing that song by the way, Big Girls Dont Cry I mean." Blaine told Nick. "You should have gotten the solo."

ARTIE: Mr. Schue, wed really like to not do disco at the assembly.

WILL: Finn, youre gonna take the solo.

Rachel smiles at Finn. Finn looks at Will fearfully.

FINN: What? No, I- I cant do the solo, Mr. Schue. Im still learning how to walk and sing at the same time.

Kurt and Mercedes snicker.

"Were fairly competent and we couldnt do it."

From five feet away Blaine could smell the indignance fuming off of Wes.

"Fairly competent! The Warblers have their own copyrighted turns-"

David cut him off. "Seriously though, guy needs dance lessons... many dance lessons."

"No problem. Ill walk you through it." Will says.

"Ooh!"

MERCEDES: Challenge.

WILL: Hey, Mercedes. You know this?

MERCEDES: Oh, I got this.

Mercedes sings the opening lines to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West. The rest of the glee club, dancing in place, joins in, and Will takes the lead.

"Its too bad the only boy in glee that has rhythm is the kid in the wheelchair."

"Its sad to the point of being endearing how white Kurt is. Just look at him!"

PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM-

The glee club continues to sing in the background. Terri, Kendra, and Kendras family are present. Terri and Kendra discussing their interior design plans.

CHOIR ROOM-

The glee club continues to sing, with Will dancing around them. Will initiates some simple choreography and the students mimic him. The musical number comes to an end, and everyone laughs.

"Those arent the patented Warbler turns," Trent said sarcastically. "But Mr. Shue has got some pretty nice moves."

"All right, just like that. Ready?"

LADIES ROOM-

Emma steps out of a stall, gingerly holding her hands in the air as she approaches the sinks. Someone can be heard coughing and retching, so Emma goes to investigate. She opens the stall to find Rachel on her knees, hunched over the toilet.

"Rachel, did you just throw up?" Emma asks.

"No."

EMMA: You missed the toilet.

RACHEL: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just dont have a gag reflex.

EMMA: One day when youre older, thatll turn out to be a gift. Lets have a little chat, okay?

"Ummm, did she mean what I think she meant?"

"When shes older? Do old people still do that?"

"Do you really want an answer?"

...

"Didnt think so."

GUIDANCE OFFICE-

Pans over a series of irregular pamphlets.

"My moms bipolar and she wont stop yelling." Richard read aloud. "I could use that one."

"Only cause you keep pissing her off." Cameron snorted. "No, you need I cant stop touching myself."

Everyone sniggered.

"Duh, hes kind of attached to himself." Jeff shot back. "Its like, you know, when you paint your nails, its almost impossible to not mess them up because you keep touching yourself."

"Er, no. I dont know what thats like. Have you ever heard of an innuendo Jeff?"

Somebody coughed what sounded like, "cross dresser".

"Ill have you know I have a little sister!" Jeff shouted.

Everyone nodded at Jeff, obviously not believing him. Jeff shrunk into his the floor and glared at it.

Nick huffed. "Okay, show of hands whose had their nails painted. Be honest." He said attempting to diffuse Jeffs oncoming hissy-fit.

A few guys around the room hesitantly raised their arms.

"Then why were you hatin on me? Cameron."

Cameron raised his arms in defense. "It was for a concert!"

"Like that makes it any less gay." Flint scoffed, only eyeing Blaine a little.

In the past every time anyone made a gay joke or said queer or fag (in its proper usage), everyone would quickly look at Blaine. According to Nick they were scared to death that they might piss him off or upset him, so they tried to hold it in. Now they were all a little more comfortable with one another, for which Blaine was grateful.

Emma hands Rachel a pamphlet titled "So You Like Throwing Up: Understanding and Overcoming Bulimia." Emma peers out into the corridor and waves to Will.

Emma clears her throat. "Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease."

"I dont have bulimia. I tried it and failed and wont ever attempt it again."

"Okay."

"It grossed me out."

"Okay. But I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out." Emma prompts.

"I want to be thinner. Prettier, like that Quinn girl."

"Do girls really do that just for attention?"

Blaine nodded. "Some guys do it too."

"Mm-hm. And, um, why is that?"

"Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?" Rachel asks.

"No."

Emmas eyes flicker to Will in the hallway.

EMMAS CAR-

Emma sits in her car, crying. It is raining heavily outside. "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen plays on the radio, and Emma sings along.

"By myself. Im by myself." Emma cries.

GUIDANCE OFFICE-

"Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the- Like a long time ago, I knew about that. You know what?" Mrs. Pillsbury tries switching courses. "You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I dont care who he is. If he doesnt like you for the way you are, if hes- You know, hes married with a baby on the way- Thats not worth the heartache. You dont want to compromise yourself for that. Um- (clears throat) Have you just tried telling him how you feel?

"He doesnt even notice me." Rachel says dejectedly.

"I see. Um- okay. Well, heres what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then hell see you in a positive way and maybe youll end up doing something that you never would have expected." Mrs. Pillsbury advises.

Rachel nods and smiles hopefully.

"This is going to end badly."

FIGGINS OFFICE-

Rachel and Finn are sitting in front of Figgins desk. Sue and Will stand on opposite sides of the room.

"Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?" Sue asks.

"I didnt think Finn was the cheating type." Commented Richard.

"I still dont. Look at Mr. Shuesters face, they werent doing that." Said David.

Trent eyed Rachel. "Look at that sweater. Nobodys been doing that." He said.

Blaine had to nod in agreement.

"It just sort of happened." Says Finn.

"I dont mean to be rude, but I think shes overreacting." Says Rachel.

"You watch your tone, young lady." Sue says to Figgins. "Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this."

"Where is she getting her information?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Shue turns to Rachel. "All right, tell me what happened, Rachel."

"Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenge friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike." Says Rachel.

"Yeah, pretty much what she said." Finn says.

ART ROOM-

Rachel and Finn are sitting at the table, working on a flyer.

"Those paintings look like they were done by a blind four year old."

"I think the one in the back is an example of expressive art."

"Oh, you mean that garbage where paint is splattered everywhere and colors equal emotions."

"I think its beautiful."

"Its stupid."

"I paint expressively." Richard said, his broad figure looming over Cameron.

Some of the guys cringed in sympathy, others looked on in hopes of witnessing a fight. Cameron didnt even bat an eyelash.

"Down Bessie." He waved his hand lazily.

Richard stared at him for a full minute, then rolled his eyes and sat back down chuckling.

"You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake- Hes a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts." Rachel lists.

"Whos Justin Timberlake?" Finn asks.

"Even Finn should know who Justin Timberlake is. Hes an icon."

Poster: Guess who started in glee club! Your road to stardom begins here.

"Because Robin Thicke is such an admirable example." Trent joked.

Blaine chuckled at Nick. A reference to his secret playlist devoted to that artist.

"Oh my God Blaine! Let it go!" He whisper-shouted.

"Why did the poster have to specifically point him out?"

"Maybe this was right after he cut his hair."

Blaine glanced back at the screen. "And thats a really unflattering picture of Kelly Clarkson."

RACHEL: It was a twofold plan.

COPY ROOM-

Rachel and Finn are making copies of their flyer.

RACHEL: We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.

Sue steps into the room. When she realizes what they are doing, she drops her protein shake on the floor.

FIGGINS OFFICE-

Sue begins, "That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations."

"Its like two cents to print a page off. Judging by that stack- three dollars. Maybe."

"-I cant begin to fathom the damage youd have done to the program had you broken it."

"Hold on a second, Sue." Shue says.

"I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures dont apply to your students." She turns to Figgins. "It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled."

"How many copies did you guys make?" Shue asks Finn and Rachel.

"Seventeen." Sue says.

"Okay. And how much does a photocopy cost?" Asks Shue.

"Four and a half cents." Says Figgins.

"So thats-"

"On my God! It doesnt matter!" David snapped. He reached over to where Jeff was holding the remote and snatched it, then dropped it back in Thads lap. "Just play it."

Jeff looked horrified.

"No need to get snippy David."

David adopted a bug-eyed expression and his fingers twitched.

"How about they just pay for the copies?" Shue suggests.

"I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and well let you off with a warning. And Sue, Im sorry, but Ill have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor"

"Thats why we have janitors." Argues Sue.

"Sue, were in a recession, and concessions must be made. Ive laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand."

Rachel, Finn and Will nod.

"Lady Justice wept today."

Sue extends her hand to Finn and Rachel in expectation of payment.

SCHOOL HALLWAY-

"Im sorry about that Mr. Schue." Finn apologizes.

"Id like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow."

"You know what, guys? I dont want to hear it."

"Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has. Its a terrible idea." Says Rachel.

"I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you dont want to do. Were doing the assembly and youre not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!"

Will exits down the hall.

"Its official. Im a dead man."

"Look, I know youre nervous, but youre really, really talented." Rachel says honestly.

"Stop it." Finn says bashfully.

"I mean, maybe itll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school."

"I cant. I got a Celibacy Club meeting."

"Finn in celibacy club? Thats a joke."

Finn walks away, and Rachel watches him leave.

WILLS APARTMENT, BATHROOM-

Will and Terri are sitting together in the bathtub, Terri back pressed to Wills chest.

"Baby, I have some bad news."

"A wealthy relative died?" Terri asks hopefully.

"I dont have any wealthy relatives."

"Oh."

WILL: Ive just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I- I cant find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.

TERRI: Why cant we ever be the ones to catch a break?

WILL: No, no, no. Its gonna be okay, baby. I mean, we dont need a grand foyer to be happy.

TERRI: No. You know what? Im so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer. I want my dream house. I work hard. I sacrifice. I deserve it.

Terri steps out of the tub and begins pulling on her robe.

TERRI: You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids- that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?

Terri exits. Will sighs and sinks down under the water.

COPY ROOM-

Figgins is kneeling on the floor, scraping off congealed protein shake. Will enters.

WILL: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.

FIGGINS: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. Ive been here till 10:00 pm every night up to my elbows in Vamoose!

WILL: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots?

Figgins sighs and shakes his head.

"Ill work at half salary." Will offers.

Figgins looks up and smiles.

CLASSROOM 1-

Quinn and a group of other Cheerios are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. Rachel is sitting alone opposite them. Quinn strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.

QUINN: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, were welcoming a new member this week- Rachel Whats-her-name.

"Where are all the boys?" Asks Rachel.

"Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith."

CLASSROOM 2-

A group of football players and other boys are spread around the room. Finn is sitting on a desk, tossing a football into the air.

FINN: Im still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabrays pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.

"I think Im gonna kill myself. Im serious. Were bombarded with sexual imagery every day- Beer ads, those short skirts. Im supposed to be surrounded by temptation- Not be able to do anything about it?" Says Jacob.

"Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries." Says Puck.

"Ew."

CLASSROOM 1-

Santana twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.

QUINN: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.

"Its all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Oh!" The Cheerios answer in unison.

The Cheerios begin to dance in place.

"Back it up like a dump truck, baby!"

"Umm, alright."

Rachel appears annoyed by their behavior.

CLASSROOM 2-

"So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?" A jock asks Finn.

"We grind, make out." Finn answers.

"But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind- Cinco de Mayo."

"Excuse me, but I really dont want to here about this boys masturbation issues."

"He could have a girlfriend." Blaine said skeptically.

"Its not a problem for me, man." Finn chuckles.

Finn and Puck high five.

FINN: Actually, its a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my drivers permit.

CAR-

Finn is driving with his mother, Carole, in the passenger seat.

CAROLE: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figures necessary, huh?

"Drivings fun." Finn says.

CAROLE: Yeah.

The car slams into a mailman, whose body rolls onto the hood of the car and into the windshield.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?" Carole screams.

"Wow, awesome parenting skills."

"Well if it were you, youd probably already be draggng your own kid into a prison cell."

"Im not that mean, Id at least get them a decent lawyer first."

"If that happened to me Id be all, where do we hide the body?"

The guys sitting near Jeff, with the exception of Nick, scooted away with wide eyed expressions.

CLASSROOM 1-

All Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. They are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.

"Lets pair up for the "Immaculate Affection." Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry." Quinn says.

Quinn steps over to Finn, smiling and placing the balloon between their pelvises. Rachel glances at Finn and reluctantly moves closer to Jacob, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.

"You enchant me." Jaocb says creepily to Rachel.

"Yeah!"

Puck grinds into the balloon between him and Santana, who struggles to pull away.

"Stop it!"

"Take it. Ah, yeah!"

The balloon between Finn and Quinn pops.

"Finn!" Quinn yells.

"It must have hit my zipper." Finn defends.

Rachel breaks away from Jacob and addresses the room.

"You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesnt work in high schools?"

"Well it most certainly does in ours." Piped up Trent.

"Trent this is an all boys school." Nick pointed out. "Of course it works."

Not neccesarily. Thought Blaine.

"Thats why I said it. Probably the only celebate school in Ohio and it only has one type of menu."

"Trent that sounded kind of gay." Snickered Richard.

"Also," Said Jeff. "Maintaining Trents weird ass analogy, theres some canabals here that still order from that menu."

Nicks eyes widened. "I think Jeff is trying to say that even Dalton isnt totally innocent."

"Then why didnt Slim Shady just say that?" David said, giving Jeff a weird look.

"Cause Homy dont play that!"

Blaine looked between Jeff and everyone, then threw a blanket over the former and shoved him away.

"Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that theres no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. Thats what contraception is for."

"Dont you dare mention the "C" word."

"Thats what most people say about Celebacy" Said Nick.

RACHEL: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.

"I- Is that accurate?" Asks Jacob.

Most of the boys looked shocked.

"That completely changes the ball game." Thad said, suggestively raising his eyebrows.

Nicholi slapped him on the back of the head. "No it doesnt. Were all still hopelessly single, except David,"

David smiled smugly.

Blaine discreetly looked at Wes.

Wes, for whatever reason, was secretly dating a girl from Daltons sister school Crawford County Day. Blaine only knew about it because he happened across the two kissing behind a tree while taking an early morning walk. He didnt even know the girls name but he promised to not say anything.

Said boy caught Blaines look and tinged pink.

"Besides if we were to get dates, wed be so whipped the local bistro would use us to make cakes."

"Well thank you for that impassioned speech Nicholas," Cameron drawled. "Speak for yourself, I would never let a girl turn me into a senseless, goo-goo eyed puddle thanks."

"Forever alone!" Jeff whispered loudly.

EMPTY CLASSROOM-

Will, dressed in his janitor uniform, is scraping gum from the bottom of a desk. Emma enters.

"Will?" Asks Emma.

Will turns in surprise and bumps his head against the desk.

"Aaah! Emma- What are you doing here so late?"

"I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um- Are you a janitor?"

"A jan- no."

"Really? Cause youre dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says "Will."

"Um, Terri and I are trying to buy a house and were, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and-" Will sighs. "Im really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?"

"Thats really sad."

"Yeah. Oh, yeah, your secrets completely safe with me."

"Thank you."

"Do you, um- Do you want a hand?" Asks Emma.

"Oh- No. I-Im good, really."

"Really? Because I can see from here that youve used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesnt wash her hands after doing number twos."

"That is disgusting!"

EMPTY CLASSROOM-

Emma is scrubbing the pencil sharpener while Will dusts a hanging solar system.

EMMA: I really admire you working so hard for something you want.

WILL: Lets make a deal. Youre helping me with my problem. How bout I take a stab at one of yours?

EMMA: Oh, no, I dont- I dont have a problem.

WILL: Youve been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.

EMMA: Well, I mean, I have- I have a little trouble with messes, but its not like its a problem.

Will sits down on a desk and smiles at Emma knowingly.

EMMA: Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.

WILL: Really?

EMMA: Yeah. And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yoghurt tasting my- my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.

WILL: What?

EMMA: And, um, ever since then, Ive just- Ive had a little trouble forgetting the, uh- the smell.

WILL: Have you thought about- I dont know- maybe seeing someone about that?

EMMA: Oh, no. Its completely manageable. You know, I just- I take lots of showers and I, um- You know, I dont eat dairy. So its-

WILL: I want to try a little experiment.

Will gets up and walks over to the chalkboard, collecting some chalk dust from the ledge with the tip of his finger.

EMMA: Oh, no. No, Im not really, um, comfortable with- with that.

Will touches his finger to Emmas nose, leaving behind a smudge of dust. They stare into each others eyes. After a moment, Will removes the dust with the back of his forearm.

WILL: There. Ten seconds.

EMMA: New record. Its late. I should, um- I should be, um, going.

Emma walks past him towards the door. Ken watches the exchange through the window of the classroom.

"Jees! Hes like the grudge!"

GYMNASIUM-

Rachel stands before the glee club, who are gathered in the stands. She taps her gavel to a sound board.

RACHEL: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.

ARTIE: But Mr. Schuester isnt here.

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester isnt coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.

MERCEDES: Ugh! Im so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón.

FINN: Let her talk.

Finn nods at Rachel in encouragement.

RACHEL: I have another idea for the assembly.

ARTIE: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?

RACHEL: Theyre not gonna kill us. Because were gonna give them what they want.

KURT: Blood?

"Im starting to really like Kurt."

"Better. Sex." Rachel says.

"Yeeeu! What are they going to impregnate her on stage or something."

GYMNASIUM-

The entire student body is sitting in the stands. Figgins is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. Will is sitting in a chair to his side.

"Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. Were not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.

"Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!" Emma claps.

Will steps up to the microphone.

"I cant watch this!" Nicholi said diving behind his hands.

"Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And were on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think Im gonna let some friends of mine show you instead." Will says.

"Really Mr. Shue, thats so corny."

Will sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of "Push It" by Salt n Pepa. Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. Will, Sue, and Quinn are horrified, but Figgins and Emma appear to be enjoying themselves.

Get up on this!
Get up on this!

"That moment of realization." Flint commented, not noticing the similar shocked expressions on everyone elses faces.

Nick and Blaine exchanged glances, neither able to speak.

Ah, push it
Ah, push it

Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby

Get up on this!

"This is certainly... unexpected." Blaine said, finally finding his voice.

Nick nodded mutely, somewhat traumatized. Jeff on the other hand continued to laugh, enjoying the performance so much that he was actually dancing and singing along

Ow! Baby!
Salt and Pepas here!

Kurt and Finn run their hands down their bodys in a provocative manor.

When Blaine saw Kurt and Finn dancing he was torn between the urge to let his jaw drop at Kurts moves and burst into laughter at Finn. Then he looked at Jeff, who was copying their moves, and lost it. Nick too stared at the blonde with an identifiable expression.

ARTIE:

Now wait a minute, yall
This dance aint for everybody
Only the sexy people

"I love Artie so much!"

So all you fly mothers, get on out there and dance
Dance, I said!

RACHEL:

Salt and Pepas here, and were in effect
Want you to push it, babe
Coolin by day then at night working up a sweat
Cmon girls, lets go show the guys that we know
How to become number one in a hot party show
Now push it

Ah, push it - push it good

Ah, push it - push it real good

The camera pans out to Miss Pillsbury seemingly enjoying the performance dancing and singing along.

"Miss Pillsbury!" Thad face palmed.

Back at the stage the glee kids pair up and thrust rhythmically with one another.

That was the point Thad was forced to pause. Jeff had sidled up to him and was attempting to grind with him, much to his utter horror.

"Jesus!"

"My Lord and Savior!" Someone shouted.

"Would you quit with the inappropriate moves!"

Jeff pouted and returned to his seat.

"Finn and Rachel look so awkward together. They need a tall girl for him to dance with." Wes commented, staring at where Thad paused on Rachel with her arms trying to hold Finns massive form.

Ah, push it - push it good
Ah, push it - p-push it real good

Principle Figgins taps his foot to the beat while swaying.

Hey! Ow!
Push it good!

Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby

Push it good
Push it real good
Ah, push it
Ah, push it

Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss
Better make it fast or else Im gonna get pissed
Cant you hear the musics pumpin hard like I wish you would?

"I dont know if I like that face Kurts making."

Now push it

Kurt and Finn high five, then Kurt swings his hand back and slaps Finns ass. Finn looks fearful. The camera zooms to Puck.

"Kurt! Why would you do that?"

Push it good
Push it real good
Push it good

"Is that a fannypack?"

P-push it real good

Regardless of the sexual nature of the performance, Blaine couldnt help but think how cute Kurt looked crawling across the stage.

These thoughts were interrupted by Nick jumping about a mile in the air. Jeff smirked from beside him, then leaned in and whispered something making him go red.

Ah, push it
Get up on this!

Boy, you really got me going
You got me so I dont know what Im doing

Ah, push it

The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence.

Jacob jumps up. "Yes!"

The boys simultaneously burst into laughter with some added applause.

"Back to that comment you made before Flint. Yes, apparently, yes they are."

The students erupt into cheers, with the exception of the Cheerios.

FIGGINS OFFICE-

Will and Sue are sitting before Figgins desk. No one speaks.

"Let me be the one to break the silence."

"That Puck kid said that he could see a girls ovaries when she bent over. She cant really be that offended."

"That was the most offensive thing Ive seen in 20 years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of Hair."

"Sadly I must agree." Said Wes.

"Weve received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity." Says Figgins.

"I- I really dont know what to say." Says Will.

"Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care."

Everyones face was a mixure of amusement and disbelief.

Where did they find this woman?

"But youre the one that should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.

"It wasnt that bad. Its not like they did Im In Love With Stripper or something."

"Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our communitys values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections." Figgins says.

"That wont last long."

Figgins hands Will the list.

Will quickly skims over the sheet. "But, all of these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title."

Blaine winced. "Thats rough."

"But there are also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and Im not talking about the girls. So, Sue, Im cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club."

"Well something good came out of that disaster."

"I dont see Sue being too happy about this though."

"This will not stand." Sue says dangerously.

"Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe."

In unison evreyone rolled their head toward Thad.

SCHOOL HALLWAY-

Rachel is standing just outside of Figgins office, her head resting dejectedly against the wall. She turns as Sue, making an "Im watching you" gesture, passes by. Will enters.

"Mr. Schuester, Im so sorry."

"She doesnt look sorry." Mumbled David.

WILL: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, heres a list of the songs that were allowed to sing.

"Whats a "Luftballon"?"

"It sounds like something from a Doctor Seuss book." commented Trent in disgust.

"It was from the the 80s anti-nuclear protest song by Nena, 99 Luftballons. Then later translated and re-recorded in english as 99 Red Balloons." Wes monotonously informed them.

The guys racked their brains trying to remember hearing the song.

"hm hm hm hmmm hm hm hm, hm hm hmmm hum hum-hums hm hm!" Jeff hummed.

A lot of them snapped their fingers in recollection.

David crawled to the end of his bed and leant toward Jeff.

"Id like to approach you with the once in a lifetime career opportunity of becoming a translator," Wes caught sight of them and began moving toward David. "for one Mr. Wes Montgomery!" David managed to call out as he was dragged by the collar to his previous spot.

Jeff looked momentarily thoughtful. "Mmm... I decline. I have no idea what hes saying half of the time anyway."

"Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club and I understand why you did what you did, but I dont like the way you did it."

Will exits, leaving behind a saddened Rachel.

STAFF ROOM-

Emma is eating her lunch at a table by herself, being careful to clean her grapes before popping them into her mouth.

"How can she do that every single time?" Asked Jeff. "When Im hungry I can barely wait fo the microwave to finish."

"She is really tiny though."

"It actually might be really healthy as long as she eats enough. That way she wont overeat, and get full faster by eating so slowly." Blaine said thoughtfully.

"Blaine Anderson." David cooed. "Our little nutritionist."

Blaine rolled his eyes.

Ken drops a pair of tickets on the table in front of her.

"Theyre for Tulip-A-Looza. Its a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. Its supposed to smell pretty nice."

"I went there last year." Nicholi recalled. "It. Was. Terrible."

"But did it smell nice?"

Nicholi hesitated before answering. "Yeah." He admitted.

"Thats really sweet of you, Ken, but I have...a-asthma." Emma lies.

"What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I dont know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. Im a good man, Emma. Ill treat you right. Ill put up with all your crazy. They cant fire me cause Im a minority, so Ill always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse and in this town, youre not gonna do much better. Okay, Im done talking now." Ken exits.

"I bet that gets her counselor/ sympathetic side, and she says yes and the next thing she knows shes unhappy as she watches the hot glee club teacher from afar. Commitment, man. Its meant to be feared." Thad rambled on.

"Just because your first girlfriend turned out to be crazy, doesnt mean thats going to happen. Besides its not like theyre getting married soon or anything stupid." Nick said.

AUDITORIUM-

Finn and Rachel are on stage. Rachel sits at the piano, tapping a high note.

"Try it." Says Rachel

"La." Finn mimicks the note.

"Good."

"That was good." Finn applauds himself.

"Okay, one more up."

"La." Finn sings.

"That was really good." Rachel compliments.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, its like the holy grail for a baritenor, so its a good note. All right, Ill start at the bottom, and then well go up higher."

"Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry."

"Aint that the truth."

"Jeff, breathing makes you hungry."

"And while you sing youre doing a whole lot of that." Jeff shot back matter of factly

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Lucky I prepared for that." Rachel gestures toward elaborate picnic area set up on the floor of the stage.

"Prepared?" Cameron snorted. "More like-"

"SHHHHH!" Everyone hushed in unison."

Cameron looked at them mutiniously.

"Its potentially getting good." Jeff whispered, shoving handfuls of popcorn into his mouth.

"Whered you- Why doesnt anyone ever shush you?"

"SHHHHH!"

"Wow. I was wondering what that was all about." Says Finn

"God hes so stupid."

"Want to sit?" Asks Rachel.

"Yeah, yeah. Absolutely." Finn says.

"I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly."

"Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you."

"You think Im good?" Rachel phishes.

"Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane."

"Kind of?"

"Thought-"

"As in past tense?"

"You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you werent hanging out under there."

Everyone snorted.

"But then I heard you sing. I dont know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.

Finn places his hand left hand over his chest. Rachel moves his hand to the opposite side.

RACHEL: Your hearts on the other side of your chest.

FINN: Oh. Its beating really hard. Youre cool, Rachel.

RACHEL: Do you want a drink?

FINN: Yeah.

Rachel reaches for a thermos and prepares their drinks.

RACHEL: Virgin Cosmos.

"Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club- That was really cool." Finn accepts a cup from Rachel. "Thanks."

RACHEL: Well, cheers.

FINN: Cheers. Cups are like the airplane cups. Oh, you got a little Cosmo right-

Finn reaches out and wipes his thumb slowly across Rachels upper lip.

RACHEL: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.

FINN: I want to.

Rachel lays down onto the pillows as Finn moves over her. Their lips meet briefly, at first. They kiss once more until Finn pulls away, panicking. He imagines the mailman crashing into the windshield of his car. Finn awkwardly tears himself away from Rachel and stands up.

"Wow. That has to be record time to get a boner."

"And they werent even doing anything."

RACHEL: What?

RACHEL: Did I do something wrong?

FINN: No, no. Um, I just gotta go. Look, please dont tell anybody about this, okay?

"He not be very bright, but at least he had the sense to walk away." Blaine said.

Finn exits, and Rachel places her head in her hands.

"On the other hand now he gets to deal with a hurt diva." Pointed out David.

DOCTORS OFFICE-

Terri is lying in an examination chair. The doctor squirts gel onto Terris stomach and begins the ultrasound.

TERRI: I dont want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and Im so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.

DOCTOR: Trust me. Youre clear.

Doctor sets the ultrasound equipment aside and sits down.

TERRI: Are you sure?

DOCTOR: Positive.

TERRI: Is it a boy or a girl?

DOCTOR: Um- Dont quite know how to put this. Theres no baby.

"Did it fall out?" Terri asks frantically.

"Shouldnt she have known if a baby dropped out."

The doctor laughs. "Uh, no. Uh, youre not pregnant."

TERRI: But Ive gained ten pounds.

DOCTOR: Its probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. Youre having whats called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If youre meant to get pregnant, itll happen.

"What does everyone want to bet she doesnt tell the husband?" Asked David.

Blaine shook his head. "Not worth it. I think we all know the outcome."

CHOIR ROOM-

Will is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany stand before him.

WILL: I have to say, Im really surprised you guys are trying out.

QUINN: Im sure youve read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didnt support him?

"What is she up to?"

"Probably spying for Sue."

WILL: Well, lets see what youve got.

The three Cheerios perform "I Say A Little Prayer" by Dionna Warwick. Quinn sings lead, and much of the choreography features her at the center of the formation. Will seems impressed.

SUES OFFICE-

Quinn, Santana, and Brittany are sitting in front of Sues desk.

SUE: Let me get this straight. Youre joining Glee Club

"If they are then Sue obviouslt isnt aware of it."

QUINN: Im sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please dont kick us off the Cheerios.

Sue snaps her fingers. "Cease fire on the waterworks. I dont want to hear it. I dont want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you dont have my bone structure. But it wasnt until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. Were going to bring this club down from within."

Brittany and Santana high five behind Quinn.

QUINN: And Im gonna get my boyfriend back.

SUE: I dont care so much about that.

SCHOOL HALLWAY-

Emma is scrubbing the mouthpiece of a drinking fountain with a toothbrush. Will approaches her, and small packet in his hand.

WILL: Hey, Emma. Guess what. I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boys bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?

"Oooo hot date." Chimed Jeff.

EMMA: Will, what are we doing? I mean, youre having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh- I have a date.

WILL: Oh, thats great.

EMMA: Yeah.

WILL: Yeah. With who?

EMMA: Im gonna go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.

Emma nods to Will before stepping around him and walking down the hall.

WILLS APARTMENT-

Will steps through the door in his janitor uniform. Terri is standing by the dining room table with a lighter in her hand. She lights a candle on the table.

TERRI: Theres my man. Bringing home the bacon.

WILL: You- You made dinner. I thought youd be asleep.

TERRI: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie- from scratch.

They sit down.

WILL: Terri, thats so thoughtful. I- Yeah, you know, Ive been working so had lately, some- sometimes I forget what Im doing it for. Familys whats important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.

TERRI: Yeah.

WILL: Im sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?

TERRI: I went to the baby doctor today.

The Warblers leaned in closer.

WILL: And?

Will looks at her with anticipation. Terri is uncomfortable.

TERRI: And...its a boy.

"Of course it is." Nick snorted.

Will gets out of his seat and hugs Terri.

WILL: Oh, my God. Terri, thats amazing.

TERRI: Yeah.

WILL: Oh, my God. Oh!

TERRI: Uh, I want you to give up being a janitor.

WILL: What?

TERRI: Yeah. We dont need a new house. Well turn my craft room into a nursery. Its a compromise that I want to make.

WILL: Really?

TERRI: Yeah. You know, the only project I want to work on now is us.

Will kisses Terri.

WILL: I love you so much.

CHOIR ROOM-

Rachel and Will are standing in the choir room alone. Rachel looks at him despondently.

RACHEL: Youre giving Quinn Fabray the solo? Thats my solo.

WILL: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinns audition song was on Figgins approved list and, frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.

"Youre punishing me."

WILL: Contrary to your beliefs, its not all about you. Or, Ive realized, about me. Look, I screwed up too. Im as responsible for what you did at the assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in 93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that- That is what Glee is supposed to be about. If were gonna succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. Youre not always gonna be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure youre always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. Were on our way.

Will gathers his things and walks to the door.

"Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit." Asks Rachel.

"Sure."

Will exits.

AUDITORIUM-

Rachel sings "Take A Bow" by Rihanna. Mercedes and Tina stand behind her, singing backup. Rachel is shown singing into her hairbrush in her room. The scene changes to Rachel watching Quinn and Finn laugh together in the hallway. These three locations cycle throughout the song.

CUT TO BLACK

END

"Hold on!" Richard said. "Theres something thats been bothering me for awhile."

Everyone turned their attention toward Richard, while he in turn turned toward Cameron.

"What kind of concert would require you be that colorful?" He asked. "Because I know you dont listen to anything other than classical Broadway."

Cameron rolled his eyes. "I listen to rock and alternative a lot. Then I also do a bit of rapping."

The guys stared at him.

"Woah." Said Ethan. "Youre always calling music thats not Les Mis or opera stupid."

"Yeah!" Nick concurred. "So why were you so against Kanye or something leaning toward top 40?"

"I never called it stupid. We just dont hang out much outside of Warbler practice. And when we are there, Im being serious. Besides, I still firmly believe that type of music is not for competition. Okay?"

The other Warblers continued to stare.

"Look," Cameron sighed. "I know Im kind of an ass sometimes, and Im sorry."

Was the Cameron James actually apologizing? Went through most of the guys minds. Cameron was most certainly an asset to the Warblers with his rich baritone voice and he could be funny with his dry sense of humor. The guys only really enjoyed his company on occasion, but most of the time they put up with him since he was so often snooty and judgmental and just... an ass. Obvious bewilderment showed on everyones faces from the simple, half-hearted apology.

David coughed awkwardly. "So how about that rapping? I dont beleive it." He challenged, crossing his arms.

Cameron rolled his eyes. "Okay."

"Yo, VIP, Lets kick it!"

Everyone caught on and began snapping to the beat.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen

The Warblers harmonized where the song did.

Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo - I dont know
Turn off the lights and Ill glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

Dance, Go rush the speaker that booms
Im killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, You better gain way
You better hit bulls eye, The kid dont play
If there was a problem, Yo, Ill solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

The guys cleared out of the middle of the floor in time for Cameron to start doing the dance.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, and the Vegas are pumpin
Quick to the point, to the point, no faking
Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon
Burning them they aint quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
Im on a roll and its time to go solo
Rollin in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby, Waving just to say, "Hi!"
Did you stop? No - I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and Im heading to the next block
That block was dead

Jeff and David jumped off the dresser they shared and ran to the middle of the floor where they began dancing with Cameron. Blaine bit his lip as he watched his friends being silly.

...

Damn the consequences! He went to discos for Gods sake! Blaine jumped out of his seat and did a very Risky Business like slide next to Jeff. Jeff grinned broadly at him as the started doing the spins.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Take heed, cause Im a lyrical poet
Miamis on the scene just in case you didnt know it
My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
Cause my styles like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed, This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast, Other DJs say, "damn"
If my rhyme was a drug, Id sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when its time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem, Yo - Ill solve it!
Check out the hook while DJ revolves it.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Yo, man, lets get out of here! Word to your mother!

Ice Ice Baby Too cold, Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold
Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold, Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold

They all finished high fiving while chuckling.

This was probably one of the most fun songs they had sung together in a really long time. Everything in Warbler practice was usually so controlled and stiff resulting in many bored, half attentive singers that didnt resonate well with the audience at all. Wes did take note of this.

"You are so white." David smirked once everyone had finally calmed down.

To the dismay of the room Trent walked over to Cameron and patted his arm.

"As a fellow sarcastic person, apology accepted." He said.

Next Jeff jumped up and ran at Cameron. Before he could move he was awkwardly holding an armfull of the blonde.

"I totally forgive you for insulting my shirt last Saturday when we ran into each other at the store. And in return I apologize for tagging your car!"

Cameron dropped Jeff. "That was you?"

Jeff defensively raised his arms. "Well they were my markers, but I didnt actually do the tagging per say."

"Jeff Sterling! You tell me who marked my car!" Cameron demanded.

The blonde waved a hand flippantly. "Dont worry about it."

Jeff winked at Nicholi who smiled gratefully. Jeff may act like an idiot sometimes, or throw fits when he was moody, and annoy people... but he was nothing if not loyal. Though everyone else, and probably Cameron too by the way he was eyeing Nicholi, knew it was often the roommate.

Soon all of the guys were making their way toward Cameron and following Trents example.

"You guys do know Im still going to be an asshole?"

"Yeah but now weve come to an understanding."

"I just said I knew I was douche and then rapped."

"And thats progress. Well eventually find the motivation for your formidable behavior and correct it." Jeff answered brightly.

"Sterling, you try to psycho analyze and Ill key your car." Cameron threatened.

Jeff nodded then leaned over and whispered something to Nick.

"Jeff, get a life." Nick walked over to Blaine.

"He wants you to use your sultry personality to befriend Cameron." Blaine said knowingly.

"Yep."

"He could just make out with him." Blaine suggested. "It seemed to do you some good."

"Shut up."

Wes checked his watch. "Its a little after ten, so lets break to get some actual food. Well reconvene at eleven thirty." He announced.

"Wes," Flint said in exasperation. "Weve known each other at least six months, at most several years. We just performed Ice Ice Baby. Were friends hanging out, its not a official Warbler meeting."

"David." Someone coughed.

David started causing his pen to jump out of his hand, then he shoved the notebook he was recording the minutes on away.

Wes raised an eyebrow. "Thats not what you said last night."

The Warblers burst into raucous laughter making Wes blush.

"I didnt- thats not what I... When we decided on what to do with the information pertaining to Vocal Adrenaline-"

Blaine cut Wes off. "Then lets not do that. We can just watch the show. Besides that decision was relative to the Council."

"If that happens again you can play gavel banger then." Added Nick.

Wes rolled his eyes but nodded anyway. "Lets go to breakfast."

"Who says we have to split up?" Asked Blaine. "We could all go to that coffee shop down the road."

The Warblers stopped and stared at Blaine like they had never seen him before.