19.

It doesn’t go too well.

“What do you mean you’re taking a year off? Just like that, without even discussing it with us? And mere months after you started, too? I thought this school was your dream!”

Burt is pacing the kitchen, agitated and upset. Carole sits quietly by the table, listening. Kurt called before he set off – after all, he doesn’t want to give his dad another heart attack, just appearing on their doorstep when everyone thought he was in New York. He only said he flew back because there was an emergency concerning Blaine, no details, so they were understandably worried when he arrived. Right now, his dad is more angry than anything though. Kurt tried to prepare himself for that, but he feels guilty nonetheless. His voice comes out pleading as he answers.

“It was; it still is. And I didn’t drop out or anything; I’m just postponing it. Dad, I spoke to the dean. He considered the situation and the fact that I’ve already proven to be a talented and dedicated student. He agreed to let me take the break, even though it’s quite unusual in freshmen year. My place is waiting for me next year, though I’ll have to retake all of the classes I’ve been attending so far. But Blaine needs me here.” Burt grumbles something unintelligible and Kurt frowns. “What?”

“Nothing, just… Sacrificing your education for a boyfriend isn’t a smart move, Kurt.” His dad is trying not to sound irritated, and failing. “I’m wondering if Blaine isn’t maybe… exaggerating. To get you back here.”

Kurt gasps.

“Do you even know Blaine, dad? No, he isn’t exaggerating. He tried to hide it from me and everyone else; in fact, he even went as far as trying to break up with me because he didn’t want to be a burden. So yeah, it was clearly a ruse to get me to come back. As was his getting so severely depressed that he started cutting and is on meds now.” His phone buzzes then and he pulls it out immediately – he told Blaine to text him any time he needed. “Excuse me, I must check this.”

The message is indeed from Blaine; Kurt frowns as he opens it.

Kurt, are you coming soon?

The phone vibrates in his hand, another text coming.

Kurt please, I need you.

He presses the call button immediately; Blaine sounds scared and on edge as he answers.

“Blaine, baby, what’s going on? Where’s your mom?”

“Downstairs, I came up to my room. I don’t know what’s going on, I feel strange, numb, like… Like I’m not here, and I’m itching to do something, to try and feel and…”

Kurt heard enough during Blaine’s therapy yesterday to know what that means. He presses the phone closer to his ear.

“Blaine, are you in your bathroom now?”

There’s a moment of silence, then a quiet “…Not yet.”

“Good. Listen to me, baby. I want you to go find your mom right now, and tell her you need something to get busy. Anything. Okay? I want to hear you go and tell her.”

Blaine agrees reluctantly and Kurt listens to his door being opened and closed, his footsteps on the stairs, then the conversation with Mrs. Anderson. He speaks into the phone.

“Blaine, I’m on my way, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Please don’t leave your mom’s side, okay? I love you, you’re doing good, baby.”

Disconnecting, Kurt’s already up and on his way to the door. His dad is looking at him with a worried expression.

“I have to go. I know you don’t agree with my decision, dad, and I’m sorry, but it’s my life and this is what I feel I need to do now.”

“Kurt, wait! So you’re staying at Blaine’s house now?”

“Yes, for two, maybe three weeks, until his meds start working. He shouldn’t be alone and his mom can’t take leave right now. And he feels safest with me anyway. Dad, I need to go.”

“Kurt –“

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

Seconds later, Kurt’s back in Blaine’s car and speeding towards the Andersons’ house.

The rest of the day is hard. Blaine is edgy and restless, can’t sit still or focus on anything, says he feels like everything is unreal, like he’s floating away. He’s dizzy, too, and by the evening he’s starting to panic with all the strange, unfamiliar sensations. They call his therapist, who says that it’s normal and the worst of it should pass within days, a week maybe. Blaine looks like he wants to die when he hears that and Kurt desperately looks for some way to ease the discomfort for him.

They go to bed early again, but neither of them is sleepy yet, and while Kurt is definitely not one of the people who believe that sex is the answer to everything, he decides to try something. Grabbing baby oil from his bag (sometimes you don’t have time for a full body lotion routine and baby oil on wet skin has to suffice, all right?), he moves back to the bed. A moment later Blaine’s t-shirt is off and Kurt is touching and kissing generously all over the warm olive skin. He doesn’t know if it can help his boyfriend feel more here, more real again, but he has to try whatever he can. And what he can do is touch – sliding his palms over Blaine’s back, dragging fingers over muscles, massaging and tickling lightly, all the while talking to Blaine, reminding him of their special moments and important days; silly dates and earnest discussions; laughing and crying together, and planning their future. He can feel Blaine relax under his touch, focus on his monologue until finally he joins in with his own memories, even laughs a couple of times. Then, suddenly, his face goes somber and tense again.

“Kurt… You still haven’t told me. What about your school? When do you have to go back?”

Kurt doesn’t stop his ministrations as he smiles lovingly at the beautiful boy beneath him.

“Not until September. We’ll go together; until then I’m back here with you.” The tears that suddenly fill Blaine’s amber eyes are a surprise, as is the expression of complete misery on his face. “What? Blaine, what happened? It’s a good thing, and don’t worry, I didn’t drop out, there’s still a place for me next year. Blaine!”

He lays down by his boyfriend’s side and gathers him to his chest, shocked and a little scared. He doesn’t understand – Blaine’s back shakes with violent sobs and Kurt’s t-shirt is soaked with tears within minutes. It’s not until a long while later that he finds out the reason.

“Kurt, I… I didn’t apply to any New York colleges. I only sent an application to Ohio State, and only because I had to pretend I was actually going to college, while honestly, I wasn’t planning to, not really.”

Wow. That is a blow.

“But why? Don’t you want to go to New York anymore? To live together, be free to not hide anymore, to maybe get married one day if we wanted to –“ Kurt knows he blushes at that but he doesn’t care. “Make our lives there, our careers –“

“No!” Blaine scrambles to sit up and only then Kurt realizes that he’s kneeling and a foot away. How did this happen? “No, Kurt, please don’t think that. I just stopped believing I can do this, you know? That I deserve to get there, that I could succeed in college, not to mention in any of my dream jobs. So I just… gave up.”

Kurt moves back to Blaine’s side, frantic, his mind already working, counting, planning.

“Of course you will succeed, you are amazing, it’s only the depression talking. I believe in you, Blaine; even if you don’t believe in yourself now, I believe enough for both of us. There’s still a little time to send the applications; not much, mere days, but we’ll manage. I’ll help you if you need it. I won’t let you give up on your dream – our dream. If it’s still your dream, that is.”

Blaine clutches Kurt’s hands tightly, tears still clinging to his long eyelashes.

“It is, so much; it just seems so unattainable right now…”

“We’ll make it happen, Blaine. We will go to New York next year, together, I promise.”