CHAPTER 12. Aftershocks

Kurt came back from the kitchen, where he was holed in with his father for a long while, and came up to the armchair where his boyfriend was sitting. The look on his face, determined, yet a little scared, made Blaine’s anxiety shoot up in a heartbeat. Was it time…?

“Hey. We need to talk. About the transfer.”

It was. He gathered all his strength and acting skills.

“Okay.” It came out almost calm. Good.

“Can we go to my room?”

“Of course.” Wherever you want.

Once upstairs, Kurt closed the door and led him to the bed. They sat cross-legged, facing each other, and Kurt took his hands. If he noticed how they shook, he didn’t say anything.

“Blaine… please don’t freak out over what I’m going to tell you.” The grey-green eyes were more scared than determined now, so he squeezed Kurt’s hands reassuringly, even though he felt like he was the one who would need reassurance in a minute.

“Okay.”

“I love you.” So, a bit of sweetness before the bitter, bitter pill. “I’m not going back to McKinley.”

Huh? He looked at Kurt, confused.

“I love you too much to leave you now, when you need me. I mean, we would still be together even if I transferred back, but with your therapy and both our Glee clubs, we would hardly have time to see each other. In other situation we could probably deal with it, but right now you don’t need another source of stress and frustration. I told you I’d stand by you and I will. I can’t promise you anything about next year, but that’s not the issue now – for the rest of this school year, I’m staying at Dalton.”

Blaine managed to find his voice by then.

“But why did you think it would freak me out?”

“Because… maybe it’s too much? If you think about this – us – as a passing thing, a high school fling? Because I don’t. Maybe I’m not planning our future already, but for me it’s serious, a relationship that is worth fighting for. Part of me wants my friends, McKinley, Nationals, and I know they will give me hell when I tell them, but they will survive. And there was really no other option than my staying with you. It’s a question of priorities. Because I know that you need this to feel safe and I want you safe and happy. I’m in it with all my heart and I feel desperately vulnerable right now, because if you don’t feel the same way…”

Blaine didn’t let him finish, shutting him up with a fierce kiss before he whispered against his lips,

“Of course I do.”

***

Barely five days had passed since his decision to stay at Dalton and already something was wrong. Kurt could feel it the minute he saw Blaine on Friday morning. There was something about him that just didn’t seem right – a smile that looked a little bit forced or maybe the way he was glancing away from him, as if trying to hide his eyes.

“Hi. Everything alright?”

Blaine hesitated. “Yes. No. I’m not sure.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not now. After classes, in your car.”

Kurt had made it a habit to park in the most distant corner of the student parking lot. It was always deserted and partially hidden from view by an overgrown bush. And with Blaine’s busy schedule, lately it was often the only place where they could sit for a little while and enjoy some privacy to talk about personal matters or steal a few kisses before going to their respective homes.

“Okay. Now you scared me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

Kurt couldn’t help but notice that Blaine didn’t say there was no reason to be scared.

Classes dragged more than ever and every time Kurt glanced at his watch, the hands had barely moved. He just wanted to know what was wrong and not to be left at the mercy of his own overactive imagination. The reality would probably be easier than most of his own ideas.

Or maybe not.

Finally the last period ended and Kurt speeded towards his car. Blaine wasn’t there yet, so he sat in the back and waited. It was easier to talk there, facing each other. After barely a minute the door opposite clicked and Blaine slipped in. He hugged Kurt immediately before pulling back and settling against the door, never letting go of his boyfriend’s hand.

“How was your day?”

“Blaine, just tell me what’s wrong, I’m worrying myself sick here.”

“Okay. But first, I need you to know that I really, really love you.” Kurt nodded, heart lodged somewhere in his throat preventing him from saying anything. Blaine took a deep breath. “We need to take a break for a while.”

“What?!” Okay, he’d really hoped his imagination was wrong in this particular point. But Blaine said he loved him…

“Please, just let me explain. It’s a part of my therapy.”

“Breaking up with me is a part of your therapy?”

“I’m not breaking up with you. I’m just saying we need a break. There’s a difference.”

“Oh really? And what is it, pray tell? Because I don’t see any.”

“Hey, don’t get angry. It’s difficult for me too. And by taking a break I mean that I need a little distance from you for a while.”

“That’s exactly what people say when they want to break up.”

“Kurt…”

“So, what? I shouldn’t talk to you at all? Stay away?”

“Yes.”

“But why? What do I have to do with your therapy?”

“I’ll try to explain. I hope it will make sense. I talked about you with my therapist yesterday, about our relationship, how it started, how you help me and how happy you make me. And she said that she can see a potential problem for us in the future.”

“What? How can she know…”

“Shh. Let me finish. The way she said it, you are too strongly associated with Eric in my mind – you were there for me from the beginning, you comforted me, listened to me ramble, know all the details. Our first confessions, even first kiss – it was all closely connected with the consequences of rape. She says that with time, as I will remember our beginnings, every time it will remind me of Eric and everything that happened, and it may… I don’t know, undermine the foundations of our relationship?”

“Oh.” Damn. Kurt had to admit it sounded reasonable. “But what can we do? We’re doomed from the start if we look at it like this.”

“She says I need to take some time away from you to work on it. To change the way I think about it, so that when I think of you, there isn’t a shadow of him there in the background. Like, when we started kissing, in a way I thought about it as a victory over him – kissing me is your thing now, not his. Does it make any sense?”

“I don’t know, but I get it. And?”

“And if I looked at it like that, I’d be thinking about him every single time we make a step forward, get closer – it would be thinking of a victory, but still. And it would taint what we have, you know? I need to be able to separate it in my mind. What he did to me is one thing and I will probably remember it in various situations for a long time, but I have to be able to get closer to you one day when we’re ready, without thinking about it as reclaiming his territory or something like that. Just… rethink it all, reorganize it in my mind.”

“Okay. I understand. But why do you need distance to do it? Can’t we just keep being together?”

“No, because I’d get distracted. I kind of lose my mind a little around you. And there would constantly be new thoughts, feelings and memories to sort through, it would be too confusing. And…”

“And?”

“No, never mind.”

“Tell me.”

“It’s just something my therapist warned me about. But she was wrong.”

“Blaine. I want to know if I should be warned about something.”

“But it’s stupid, it won’t happen. Oh, okay. She just said that when I sort through those thoughts and feelings, I might find out that after taking the rape out of the equation, there’s nothing left. That our relationship was built solely on support and comfort and gratitude, and not on actual love. But I’m telling you, it won’t happen. I know what I feel.”

Kurt paled. He never talked about it, but it was something he’d feared all this time, whenever he let his thoughts wander that way.

“Or so you think.”

“Kurt, I…”

“I love you. And I’ll be right there, waiting for you to come to me. But I want you to promise me one thing: if you discover you don’t really love me, that you just thought you did, tell me immediately, okay?”

“I promise. But it won’t…”

“Shh. Can I kiss you one more time before we take the break?”

Why did it feel like a goodbye kiss? Why did his heart ache so much? Why did his mind tell him insistently that it was the end, there would be no more them when they spoke again?

They agreed on not communicating at all until Blaine was done with his therapeutic mind magic. Of course, they wouldn’t avoid contact at all cost or refuse to talk in social situations, but they would try not to make it more difficult for either of them by seeking each other’s company. But as Kurt was driving home after their goodbye, he couldn’t help thinking that maybe it would have been better to just stay together, be happy, drunk on each other as long as they could and take the end with dignity and beautiful memories if it came one day, instead of risking it to end now, before they even had time to enjoy it fully.

At dinner everyone noticed his morose mood, so he told them about the conversation with Blaine. His dad wasn’t concerned.

“Well, I don’t get most of this psychological mumbo-jumbo, but I’m sure it will be alright. Just give it time.”

Carole at least seemed to understand his worries and squeezed his hand compassionately.

“You know he loves you.”

He could only nod, swallowing tears that stubbornly tried to flow for no reason. Because he had no reason. Not yet.

The weekend was awful, Blaine’s absence attacking him from everywhere he looked. His phone was silent, Skype turned off, there was a distinctly boy-shaped hole in his room. He didn’t know what to do with himself. His girls were still mad at him, so he couldn’t even distract himself with a shopping spree or a sleepover. He tried hanging out with Finn and Puck downstairs, but gave up when they started talking about boobs, and not in terms of determining the correct bra size. Finally, he settled on doing his homework for the whole week, reorganizing his closet yet again and pressing everything that looked even marginally creased. It still left him with too much time on his hands, so he baked three batches of cookies and was halfway through packing some into a container to take to school for Blaine when he remembered he couldn’t. Because they were on a break.

It sucked. He gave up and went to bed, only to toss and turn for hours, remembering those nights when Blaine’s warm body was in that same bed, beside him.

It was no better at school all week. Soon he was tired of saying that yes, everything was fine, thank you, Blaine just needed some time to focus on getting his grades back up, so they were taking a break – it was the explanation they’d agreed on. Pity he saw in more than one pair of eyes told him it wasn’t entirely convincing. Trying not to look at Blaine, not to come up and talk to him was even harder, because it was instinct, a long established behavior from way before they were even boyfriends. Countless times he turned to comment on something or share a knowing look, only to remember that they weren’t talking. It was like that short time after their fight over Blaine’s sexual confusion, only now it was worse, because at least then they knew they would get over it soon enough. Now, it could last a lot longer.

They hadn’t agreed on any set period of their break – it would take as much time as Blaine needed – and as Kurt was lying on his bed the next Sunday afternoon, miserably contemplating a mysterious dark spot on the ceiling, he wondered how many more weeks like this one he’d have to endure and what the outcome would be. It’s not that he regretted staying at Dalton, it just felt so much more lonely without Blaine’s presence by his side. And he knew nothing at this point, had no hints as to how the other boy was doing, what he was thinking. Yes, he was probably thinking of him a lot, but was this good? Or was he even now coming to a conclusion that it was all a mistake, that he took gratitude for love? Kurt wasn’t sure how he could endure it if they were to go back to just being friends, now that he knew the sweetness of requited love, of kisses and touches and embraces.

He heard quick footsteps on the stairs and suddenly the door to his room was flung open and then shut, and he was just about to say something scathing about that fairly modern concept called knocking when his bed dipped under additional weight and then he was drowning in the amber eyes he couldn’t get out of his mind all week.

“I love you.”

There was absolute certainty in Blaine’s voice, a finality of something determined without a slightest doubt, and it was all Kurt needed to know. He pulled his boyfriend down to him until their lips crashed together with desperation born from longing and uncertainty. It was all passion, all tongues and heat and bodies pressing together like they never had before. Then Blaine moved his lips and – whoa, holy Prada…

Kurt was quickly losing all coherence, because those lips were doing something amazing to his neck and a tongue started tracing circles in the soft hollow under his ear. Blaine’s hand, smoothing its way down his side, wasn’t helping either. And then Kurt stopped thinking entirely and just felt. His own arms sneaked up of their own accord, tracing the uncharted territory of the other boy’s body over the soft cotton of his black henley, pulling him even closer. Too absorbed in sensations to be self-conscious, he let out soft little moans and mewls as Blaine sucked on his neck gently enough not to bruise and kissed his way down his throat. Pleasure and want, it was all that counted, all that pulsed in his mind. So that was what sex was all about! For the first time, Kurt understood the appeal. And oh, what an appeal it was…

Then Blaine’s fingers brushed over a strip of naked skin of his abdomen where his shirt had ridden up and a hot jolt of pleasure shot through his belly. The high keening sound that escaped him seemed to sober both of them up, reminding them of the reality of Kurt’s family downstairs and certain talks they needed to finish. Blaine’s lips returned to his, his hand laid gently on Kurt’s cheek, and they kissed softly, sweetly for a while longer before they parted, both breathless and flushed, grinning madly, their lips raw and their eyes sparkling.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“So are we done with the break?”

“Yes. No more breaks, ever.”

“Thank god.”