CHAPTER 2

You look so different than before

You’re still the person I adore

Frozen with fear

With the hot water running to fill the big tub, I quickly make tea, add sugar and lemon, put it on the table just as Kurt enters the kitchen. He’s out of his coat and boots, and I have the first chance to really look at him. He’s changed since I last saw him. He’s always been slim, but now he looks almost too thin; his cheekbones are more pronounced, they make his face somehow older, more serious. He’s let his hair grow long, almost long enough for a ponytail, and it’s tousled and unstyled now, which is a first – he used to say that he spent more money on hair products than food in college, and I’m pretty sure it was true. He’s unshaven and the scruffy beard looks weird on him.

But it’s the clothes that shock me most. Kurt had always been a creature of fashion. He loved labels, designers, his outfits always thoughtfully picked, original and amazing, perfectly fitted for his lean form. Skintight jeans used to be the signature element of his style – and no wonder, with legs like his it would be a sin to hide them. Now, he stands in my kitchen in loose khaki cargo pants and a shapeless black turtleneck sweater. It’s like somewhere during these two years the Kurt I’ve known since I was sixteen has vanished, replaced by someone completely different.

Different, yet so very familiar. The straight, elegant posture, those beautiful eyes, this face, so wonderfully expressive – they’re all my Kurt. I’ve missed him so much, I realize with a painful squeeze in my chest. I haven’t really had a friend since he cut me out of his life. Nobody could ever replace him. It’s one of the reasons I’ve felt so lonely these last years.

Kurt sits at the table, weary, silent, warming his hands on the mug of tea.

“Have you eaten?”

“Not since yesterday.”

Yesterday? I grab whole wheat bread, cheese, tomato, make a simple sandwich, then set the plate in front of him.

“We’ll have late dinner once you’ve warmed up after the bath, but you have to eat something now. The tub should be ready in five minutes.”

“Thank you. You really don’t have to go to all this trouble for me, you know.”

“Are you kidding? I finally get to see you after over two years and you don’t want me to pamper you a little? Forget it!” Kurt almost smiles. Almost, but not quite.

Once Kurt’s in the bathroom, I dig through my freezer. I’m a domestic kind of man. Sure, I love concerts and theatre and people, but at the end of the day I want a cozy home with a sunny kitchen, talking and laughter, music and family. Quiet evenings with a book. Saturdays sleeping in and cuddling in bed till noon. Cooking for someone other than myself. I like cooking, it’s relaxing and I’m good at it. But when I come from work dead tired, I just want to eat something quickly, so I cook on weekends and freeze things. My freezer is full of homemade dinners. I find a chicken and potato casserole now, just big enough for two – it will be perfect for a cold winter night like this one. I put it in the oven, toss a quick salad and go to check on Kurt, knocking softly on the bathroom door.

“Hey, do you want something to drink? Water? Wine? Something stronger?”

His voice is muffled through the door. “No, thanks. And I’m not falling asleep, don’t worry.”

I laugh. He knows me too well, my little phobias. I go to prepare the guest room for him, take his suitcase there, make the bed and leave a bottle of water on the bedside table. He always wakes up thirsty in the middle of the night. See, I know him too.

When the casserole is almost ready, I knock on the bathroom door again.

“Dinner’s in five.”

“Thanks, I’ll be right there.”

When Kurt enters the kitchen, his face is flushed pink from heat and he smells of eucalyptus. All these years and it’s the first time ever I’ve seen him in sweats.

“That was just what I needed. I haven’t taken a bubble bath in forever. You are so lucky to have a tub!”

“Yeah, I know. Let’s hope you don’t get pneumonia after all those hours sitting out in the cold.”

We eat in silence for a while, both hungry and tired. Then Kurt remembers something.

“Won’t Danny mind that I’m here?”

“No, don’t worry.” It’s not really a lie. He won’t; he stopped minding anything about me a while ago. And he’d be okay with Kurt even if he still lived here. “You can stay as long as you need, don’t hurry so much with looking for a new place. You won’t be able to find anything good in two or three days, let alone have time to move in. And they’ll rip you off if they see you’re in a hurry.”

Kurt is shaking his head. The look on his face… I can’t really decipher it. I don’t think I’ve seen it before.

“Blaine, I’m not looking for an apartment. I just need a couple of days to process all of this and get myself together before I call my family and beg them to forgive me, take me back and pay for my ticket. I’m going back to Lima, to live with dad and Carole, if they let me. At least for now. I could work at the garage, maybe in time I’d be able to move out, find a place on my own there.”

I can’t believe my ears. All Kurt ever wanted was to escape Lima; its small-town mentality, the lack of opportunities, the homophobia… and he did. He fought hard for it and succeeded. And he only really started to shine in New York. He’s always been amazing, but in the city he opened up like a rare flower, dazzling in his multi-hued complexity. I can’t believe he wants to go back now.

“But… why?”

“I don’t have much choice.” He looks up at me and suddenly I recognize the expression. It’s defeat. “I have no money. Literally. I spent the rest of what I had to get here. Hell, I don’t even have a phone. Everything I own is in that suitcase, and it’s mostly clothes. I don’t have a job, I never finished my education, I have no experience; at least nowhere that I could use for references. I have nothing, Blaine. Going back home is the only thing I can do.”

I realize my mouth hangs open unattractively, so I snap it close. It’s too much to take in all at once.

“But… what about Marcus? You worked with him, you’re amazing at this stuff, I thought you would at least have your own line by now!”

“Apparently I’m not as great as I thought. It never really went beyond internship, and even that wasn’t official. Mostly I just hung in there, looked at others’ work. They never let me actually design anything. It wasn’t good enough.”

Bullshit. Everyone could see Kurt had a bright future in fashion. His projects won contests and were included in shows ever since he was a sophomore. He was considered a rising star. And now he believes he’s not good enough? What did this bastard do to him?

“And they didn’t pay you?”

“No.” He laughs bitterly, the sound all wrong, like a nail on glass. “Marcus didn’t want me to work anywhere else, so I was always either with him or at home. He paid for everything. I was basically a kept man. That’s why I don’t have my phone, my laptop, anything. He didn’t let me take them. Mostly, I just took what I owned before I moved in with him, plus some non-designer clothes that fit me better now.” He shakes his head like he doesn’t believe it himself. “He just… woke me up this morning and told me to pack and get out of there, said he was done with me, just like that.”

I’d always hated Kurt’s boyfriend, but this… it’s unbelievable. I don’t really know what to say. And I can see Kurt doesn’t want to talk now anyway. I can still read him without words. He just wants to be alone now, but is trying not to be rude. I put my hand on his.

“Kurt, whatever you need, just tell me. I’ll help you any way you let me. I’m here, okay? And you’re my best friend, no matter what, so don’t hesitate to ask for anything. Your room is ready if you want to go lay down. Or if you prefer, we can drink all night, I have more than enough liquor. Or we can go out if you really want to. Just… whatever you need.”

He tries to smile, fails epically, squeezing my hand instead.

“Thank you. I’ll just go to sleep if you don’t mind, okay? I don’t think it’s really hit me yet. We’ll talk tomorrow?”

“Sure. Goodnight. You know where to find me if you need anything.”

Later that night I lie in bed, perfectly aware that my best friend in the whole world is right on the other side of the thin wall, probably curled into a tight ball, almost certainly awake, either still stunned and numb or already onto the next stage, crying. I yearn to go, hug him, help him, but I know it’s too early. He wouldn’t let me. He does that – withdraws deep into his shell at first and has to be alone. He’ll need me tomorrow and I’ll be there. But knowing this doesn’t make it easier to fall asleep.

I feel my blood pressure spike when I think about what Marcus did. I’d always known he wasn’t the right man for my friend, but this? This is beyond anything I could have believed possible. How could he do this to Kurt? Kurt, who was always so easy to love. I know that. I’ve been there. And I don’t mean just as a friend. I was in love with Kurt once – I had a crush on him from the moment I met him; the longer I knew him, the further it went. I know he felt something for me too, back in high school. We never did anything about those feelings though. We missed our moment somehow. First I was in a mentor mode and it didn’t seem appropriate, then he moved back to his old school and it was too complicated.

And in college… Well, in college we basically lived together like boyfriends. No, forget boyfriends, almost like husbands – just without the sexual element. Though it was there. It was always there, the sexual tension, the spark, a chemistry between us. Neither of us ever dated; we didn’t really need it. We had each other. Many times we would fall asleep on the same bed and wake up in a tangle of limbs, lips inches from each other. It would have been so easy to close the distance and see where it would lead us – I know we both thought about it. But we never risked it. Because if we fucked up, we’d destroy each other. We’d have no one else to turn to for comfort. We’d lose not only love, but friendship as well.

But as I think about what Marcus did to this boy I used to be in love with, I keep wondering if we didn’t make a mistake, all those years ago, when we were both young and innocent, inexperienced and unharmed.