CHAPTER 11

So nice to see your face again

But tell me will this ever end

Don’t disappear

The letter is short and quite different from Kurt’s usual beautifully penned notes, like it was scrawled in a hurry. It reads:

Blaine,

Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me. I will never be able to express how grateful I am. I’m sorry for leaving like this, but I’m too weak to do it the proper way.

Yesterday I realized someth

If I stayed, it would be impossible to keep

I know you don’t f

Oh crap. I love you, okay? I still love you, even after all these years.

There. It’s out.

So I have to go, because I can’t take another heartbreak just yet. And I don’t want to force you to deal with this. I promise I’ll call you in a week or so, when you have time to digest all of this and I’m settled back at home, but until then, my phone will be switched off, so please don’t try to contact me. I’m not ready to talk about it yet.

I don’t have time to rewrite this letter properly now and find a vague half-truth to cover my reasons instead, so maybe that’s the way it’s meant to be, maybe I’m just meant to tell you. I have to run now, the cab is waiting.

Be well. I love you,

K.

I freeze just for a second, the note falling from my numb fingers, before an autopilot kicks in and I run to my computer, to search frantically for flights to Columbus. There’s only one that Kurt would have considered at this hour and if I’m really lucky, I’ll be able to get to the airport in time.

After that it’s all blurred, a slideshow of pictures against a maelstrom of emotions. Calling for the cab. Pacing incessantly before it’s here, every single one of those seven minutes feeling like eternity. The phone pressed against my ear, nothing but voice mail there. A twenty slipped to the driver to make him forget about speed limits and just hurry, please, I need to get there in time. The city congested like a child with a bad cold. Loud music blaring from the radio. Every forced stop feeling like a prison sentence. Almost there. Bare minutes to spare.

I pay and sprint inside – Columbus, yes, it’s there, it takes off in 4 minutes… now what? I hadn’t thought this far ahead in my panic. They won’t let me inside, even if I tried to buy a ticket. They won’t hold the plane because I need to talk to Kurt. I can’t even throw myself in front of it to stop it. I consider telling the security there’s a bomb there, but I need to talk to Kurt, not spend the next 24 hours interrogated as a potential terrorist, so no. All I can do is watch helplessly as Columbus disappears from the Departures timetable and try not to choke on suppressed sobs, not to let the sting in my eyes turn to tears. I try to check if Kurt really was on that plane, but they won’t tell me anything, of course.

The ride back is slower. I sit in the back of the cab quiet, mournful, thinking about chances untaken, feelings unrevealed, the future that could have been. The funny thing is, I realize, that I wouldn’t know what to tell Kurt if I got to him before he boarded that plane. Please don’t go, obviously, but then what? I’ve accepted that I love him, I’ve lived with this realization for a while now, but there’s a long way to go between this and beginning a relationship when I’m all too aware how it could end. Especially this relationship, where the stakes are even higher than a broken heart. What could I offer him, really? Maybe it’s all for the best. Maybe he’ll find someone better and be happy. Maybe I’ll get used to being alone again.

But deep down I know I’m deluding myself. Kurt won’t be happy in Ohio – without New York and the chance to do what he loves; with its painfully limited population of potential love interests and ever present homophobia. And me… I already feel brokenhearted. Again. This wasn’t supposed to happen, damn it! I was supposed to be safe so long as I stayed clear of relationships. I struggle not to cry, but it’s a lost battle.

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle

But now I’m not sure

And I can’t save you if you don’t let me

You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before

Like I’ve never been gotten before

When I get home, I just want to go get the whiskey and drink until I burn the images of what could have been from my brain. It will take a lot of alcohol, but I don’t care. I have a week off and a well stuffed liquor cabinet. And if it’s not enough, there are stores that make home deliveries.

Except when I step through the door, the first thing I see is a huge suitcase. And a beautiful man sitting on top of it. I close the door behind me and stand there, staring. Kurt looks at me once, then back at the floor.

“I hoped I’d be back before you came and read that note.”

I manage to get my voice out, but it’s rough and quiet. “Would you have ever told me then?”

“Yes. But I’d rather tell you in person. That’s why I came back. I was just going to pay for the ticket when I realized I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave like this. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t run anymore, and definitely not from you. And I owe you honesty. You deserve more than a hasty note, you deserve to hear it from me and have a chance to react, and say a proper goodbye. So…” He looks up at me, his eyes determined, and I can see how much it is costing him, and my heart races. “I love you, Blaine. I’ve loved you since high school and I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped. Now, don’t feel like you need to be sorry for me or take pity. I understand. I just wanted you to hear it from me before I go.”

It’s only fair that I tell him. Even though there will be no happy ending, he deserves to know too.

“Please don’t go. I love you too.”

The shock on his face tells me I’ve been hiding it well.

“You… you do? But you said…”

“I know. I said I don’t believe in love. But I’ve realized that whether or not I believe in it, it’s there. I love you, I can’t help it.”

The smile that was beginning to form on his lips disappears. “So you love me, but you don’t want to.”

“That’s not it. I love you, but I still don’t believe in relationships. They are unpredictable, risky, they leave you vulnerable and when they break, so does your heart. I can’t, I just…”

Kurt’s voice is soft, quiet. “Blaine, every relationship is a risk and nothing in life is predictable, but the only way not to risk anything is not to live at all. Just exist, play it safe and wait for death. And I refuse to live like that.”

“Okay, but this? Us? This would be a huge risk. There’s just too much to lose.”

“You know what? The more there is to gain, the greater the risk. And I agree that we’d be risking a lot here, but I’m not afraid. Because it’s us. Because we both care so much. And I don’t believe we’d let anything defeat us, together. Do you want to know how I realized that I still love you?”

“Tell me.”

He smiles at the picture in his head.

“Yesterday, when I came home early, I stood there for a while, watching you, busy in the kitchen, smiling, singing along with that song. And as I listened, I suddenly saw you in five years, doing the same, but with a wedding band on your hand. And I saw myself, coming in and kissing you hello, and then us having dinner to celebrate your first record.”

Tears blind me. I want this so much. But…

Kurt continues.

“And then I saw us there in ten years, maybe in a different kitchen, preparing dinner together, with a kid playing on the floor nearby and another sleeping in a crib in the next room. I saw you at my fashion shows and me at your concerts. I saw children growing up and starting their own families. I saw Christmases and birthdays, family trips and lazy Sunday mornings. I saw it all in a blink and I felt calmer than I ever had before. It just felt right. It felt perfect.” He looks so peaceful now, so certain. “And I realized that this is what I want, that nothing else will ever be enough. And it scared me more than anything, because I was sure I could never have that. But now that I know you love me too, I will fight for this. There’s nothing in the world I want more than that.”

“Kurt…”

He gets up and stands in front of me now, cupping my face in his warm hands and looking me earnestly in the eyes.

“Blaine, I swear I won’t break your heart. I would never knowingly hurt you. I promise I will love you ‘till the day I die. No matter what happens, no matter if I succeed in fashion and you in music, no matter where we live and what we do, I want this with you. No one but you. I know you’re scared, but please. Take this risk with me.”

My eyes well up, the images that I fought for so long running in a slideshow in my mind, and there’s only one possible answer. Yes, I’m scared. I’m terrified. But Kurt is right – I can’t always play it safe. We both want the same things. We love each other. We know each other enough to be certain. I close the distance between our lips, as if signing the deal.

“I love you.”