androidsfighting
May 19, 2012, 9:40 a.m.
Hurricane 'Verse
Hurricane: My Love is an Iron Ball
E - Words: 5,826 - Last Updated: May 19, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 22/22 - Created: Nov 26, 2011 - Updated: May 19, 2012 4,056 0 27 1 0
Author's Notes: One more chapter to go, guys. *deep breaths*
“So, Blaine.” Naomi pushes her glasses higher on her nose and smiles. “How are you feeling?”
Blaine leans back on his bed, hands behind his head, and shrugs. His own smile comes with ease. “Good,” he says. “Really good.”
“You’ve said that every day for the past few weeks,” she points out.
“It’s always true!” Not that he hasn’t had bad days. At first, he felt like a failure, for still being miserable even after taking his medication, but he’s starting to come to terms with the fact that there will always be bad days. There’s nothing he can do about that. But week after week, there’s more and more time between those days. The lack of self-loathing is the best part, he thinks. The fact that he’s finally able to think about himself in a better light, at least some of the time - and some of the time is better than no time at all - instead of hating himself and everything he does. Logically, he knows that the medication has to have something to do with it, but that still makes him uncomfortable, ashamed. He likes to pretend he’s gotten better all on his own.
“Did I tell you I might have a job?” He rambles excitedly. “I applied at the elementary school Amelia’s going to next year. It’s just a substitute position for now, but the music/youth choir teacher is retiring soon, and I’ve got plenty of experience and love teaching kids, so…”
“That’s wonderful, Blaine.” Naomi’s grin grows wider. She talks like a professional, but just from her mannerisms and body language, Blaine thinks that if he spoke with her outside of a counseling session, she would be just like any other 20-something woman. He should invite her over for dinner sometime, once he’s done with therapy - something tells him that they could actually be good friends. “I’m impressed with how far you’ve come since your last relapse. And there haven’t been any more since then?”
�“Nope.” There have been one or two anxiety attacks, but he’s used to them by now. They’re manageable. It’s nothing compared to how it used to be, and Kurt is always there to calm him down.� “I really do feel great, Naomi.”
“Then how would you feel about moving these sessions to every other week?”
That makes him pause. “…really? You think I could do that?”
“I think with how much you’ve improved, it’s about time. Does that make you uncomfortable?”
“A little,” he admits. He’s gotten so used to the schedule, and knowing that if something happened he would only have to wait a few days at the most to tell her about it, that idea of seeing her less often is just… strange.
“Good.” Blaine raises his eyebrows, and Naomi just grins as she scribbles something in her notebook. Sometimes Blaine thinks that she writes gibberish just to make him wonder what she’s taking notes on, but he hasn’t peeked. “I’m glad that our weekly sessions have helped, but it’s important to push yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes. So, would you be up for that?”
“I… yeah. Yeah, that’s fine. If, um… if I had a relapse, could I make an emergency appointment?”
“Of course, but I doubt you will. I’m not sure you realize just how impressed I am with you, Blaine.”
�“You’re too nice.”
“Nope. Only the truth here.” She’s quiet for a moment, contemplating. “Can I ask how things are going with Kurt?”
Blaine squirms a little on the bed, trying to hide his blush. “They’re… fine. I don’t know. I mean, we’re close. He’s my best friend. But… that’s it. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter.”
“Do you really think you need him anymore?” Blaine’s head shoots up, staring at her with wide eyes. She holds up a hand. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right. I just meant that you seem functional. You take care of Amelia while Kurt is at work, you’re putting in job applications, you’re not so anxious in public anymore…” Blaine wants to argue that he’s still plenty anxious, but that’s not the point she’s trying to make. “What’s keeping you here, exactly?”
He has no idea how to answer. Leaving hasn’t crossed his mind for a long time. Not since the beginning when he was desperate to be left alone, to be away from Kurt and everything that reminded him of what he lost. His landlady is sweet enough to let his apartment sit empty until he makes a decision, but he knows that she must be getting impatient. He tries to imagine going home, if that shitty hole-in-the-wall can be called a home. He might have to go to the neighbor’s to use their bathroom so that he doesn’t have to see the place where he tried to end his life. He’d have to talk to Kurt about what to do with Amelia, though he doubts that Kurt would deny him joint custody unless he screws up again - and if he does fall off the wagon, he thinks he might even want her to only stay with Kurt until he gets back up, keep her away from all that.
It’s hard to think about, but he can if he tries. He’s healthier than ever, he’s functional. He’ll be able to pay rent again soon, on a regular basis this time now that half his paycheck won’t go toward booze - god, he hopes it won’t go toward booze. Kicking the addiction is almost as hard as the depression, but he’s managed to hold off any cravings through sheer determination and remembering how disappointed Kurt had been the last time. The closest he’s come to hurting himself again is during those couple of panic attacks, losing control of that nervous habit of digging his fingernails into his palms. He misses the release that cutting used to bring, but he quickly discards the notion when he remembers the pain.
The only thing keeping him here is Kurt. Kurt who is his best friend, but just his best friend, who despite saying I want you and just give me time, hasn’t tried to push that boundary any further. Kurt who he loves, but who hurts to be around when he thinks about what they could be, should be, but aren’t. What kind of just-friends live together and raise their child together - what kind of divorced husbands live together?
“Blaine?”
Blaine shakes his head, swallowing back the lump in his throat. “I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Now, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. It’s all up to you and Kurt. But remember what I said about pushing your comfort zone. The purpose of staying with Kurt was to give you a safe place until you were rehabilitated, and I’d say that if you’re not there already then you’re close enough. Staying here for much longer may just hold you back. But like I said, it’s your choice.”
“You really think I’m that much better?” Blaine asks softly.
“I really do.”
He can hardly comprehend it. So much of his life has been consumed by this that he doesn’t know what to do without his depression. Without that, who is he? Paired with the suggestion of going back home and cutting back on therapy sessions, he feels like he’s been turned upside-down and shaken out, all this thoughts rattled and disjointed.
�“I don’t really know what to say.”
“That’s okay.” She always does that, reassures him that it’s okay, whatever he says. It’s kind of endearing.
“If… um. If I do… leave… could we maybe hold off on switching to therapy every other week? It’s just, there’s a lot of bad memories in that apartment, and I don’t know if it might trigger something, and…”
“Whatever you want,” she assures him. “You don’t have to make a decision now, of course. No pressure either way, it was just a suggestion. But if you want to talk to be about it, you can always call me.”
“Thanks.”
He doesn’t talk much through the rest of the sessions, but Naomi doesn’t seem bothered. It happens, sometimes, when she gives him something big to think about, and this certainly will require a lot of thinking. He can hardly imagine not waking up next to Kurt in the mornings, or spending every single day with Amelia.
But he thinks about Kurt, and how much it hurts lying in the same bed just to be able to sleep through the night, knowing that he can try and try and try and nothing he does will be enough for Kurt fall in love with him again. The sooner he accepts that the better, right?
By the time the hour is up and Naomi leaves him alone in his room, he’s all but made his decision.
---
Kurt wonders if this is what it feels like when Blaine has one of his panic attacks.
He doesn’t mean to listen. Really. He’s just doing the laundry, and it’s not his fault the laundry room is one room away from Blaine’s. It’s not his fault that the washing machine doesn’t cover up the sound of their voices. It’s not his fault that he hears Naomi tell Blaine to move out.
He can’t breathe; honest to god cannot draw a breath. It’s terrifying. What’s going to protect Blaine when he isn’t here? What’s to keep him from slashing his wrists again, or taking too much of his medication, or drinking? He knows that Blaine isn’t a child, doesn’t need to be coddled. But doesn’t Naomi understand that he, Kurt, is the one keeping Blaine from falling apart again?
Doesn’t Blaine understand that?
He trails after Naomi as she leaves Blaine’s room, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor, and calls out to her before she can leave the apartment. “We need to talk,” he says, fully aware of how cold his voice must sound.
She just smiles, looking mildly curious. “Sure. What did you need?”
“Sit down, please?”
She takes her seat in the living room, smoothing out that awful grey skirt, still looking at him in that mildly curious way that has never bothered Kurt before but now makes him want to scream. He sits too, across from her, and wastes no time. “You told Blaine to leave.”
“…That was a private conversation.”
Kurt ignores her. “Why the hell would you do that?”
“I didn’t tell him to do anything,” she says. How can she be so infuriatingly calm about this? “I just suggested that he might be ready to move on. I didn’t make a decision for him either way.”
“You have no right - he’s fine here, he’s happy, sending him back there is only going to make things worse again!”
“Why don’t you let him make that decision?”
Unable to keep still, Kurt stands up, pacing back and forth in front of her. “He needs to be with his family. He needs me.”
“With all due respect, Mr. Hummel,” Naomi says sharply, making him pause. Normally he would tell her to call him Kurt, but he’s still angry with her, so he doesn’t. “I think you need him a lot more than he needs you.”
Kurt shakes his head and paces faster. He wraps his arms around himself as if that will hold in the anger, and more overpowering, the fear. “Well, what’s wrong with that?” He snaps. “What’s wrong with me needing someone too?”
“This isn’t about you. It’s about what Blaine needs. You knew this was going to happen. He was never going to stay here forever, was he?” Kurt scoffs and looks away, hating that she’s right. In the beginning, the entire goal was to get Blaine stable enough to go home. When had they forgotten that? “Whether he wants to stay here or go home, that’s his choice, but he needs to start living his own life again.”
“I don’t want him to go,” Kurt whispers. It’s not fair. He hasn’t even had a chance to tell Blaine how he feels. He keeps putting it off and putting it off, making up a flimsier excuse every time. And now it’s too late. “He’ll be all by himself I won’t be able to help him, and… I don’t want to be alone.”
Naomi bites her lip, watching him with eyes older that look so much older than the face they’re set in. Right now, though, she doesn’t look older, or much life a professional. She looks like a young girl, muddling her way through, and Kurt feels a pang of sympathy through his frustration. She sighs. “He’s my first regular client, you know,” she admits. “The first one who came back for more than a couple sessions. I… I might not know exactly what the right choice is, but I want him to be happy and healthy just as much as you do, Mr. Hummel, and I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. And I really think that this could be good for him.”
“But he’s gotten better with me. Hasn’t he?”
“Of course he has, but he feels… stuck. Stagnant. That’s not good for him. He needs to go back to real life.”
And what am I supposed to do when he’s gone? He thinks, and then wants to slap himself. This isn’t about you. It isn’t about making Blaine fall in love with you. It’s about making him better. He takes a deep, shaky breath. “As long as he’s happy,” he says quietly. “That’s what matters.” No matter how much it hurts me.
All he can think about is how they’re going to tell Amelia, how inconsolable she’ll be. The only person who would be able to calm her down is Blaine, and he won’t be there, and she will hate Kurt for it. Just the thought of what this will do to the family he’s managed to piece back together breaks his heart.
“Talk to him,” Naomi says, making Kurt look up at her again. “He’s more scared than you are. If he wants to leave, he needs your support too.”
He wants to laugh. Perfect. Not only is Blaine leaving, but now Kurt has to tell him it’s a good idea. Just perfect. Instead of saying any of this, he just nods. Of course he’ll do it. It might kill him, but he’ll do it.
As long as he’s happy.
---
When he leans in the doorway of Blaine’s bedroom, Blaine is standing by the closet, looking at the few items of clothing he’d bothered to hang up. The majority of it is still in his duffel bag, shoved into a corner. He never planned on staying this long, didn’t even bother to unpack.
Blaine glances up, offering Kurt a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Hey.”
Kurt looks around the room. It’s never felt like Blaine’s, it’s just a place to keep the few things he brought along, and soon it will be empty again, with no trace of anyone living there. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” He asks, voice already rough.
The smile falls away, and Blaine sucks in a deep breath and turns back to the closet. What he’s looking for, Kurt couldn’t say. “You heard me and Naomi talking.”
It’s not a question, and there’s no point in denying it. Kurt stares down at his feet, face burning in shame. He shouldn’t have listened, should never have let himself. “I’m sorry.”
“I would have told you anyway.”
“So it’s true.”
“I’m… considering it.” Blaine answers carefully. “Kurt, you have gone above and beyond everything that was expected of you. And you have no idea how grateful I am, but I can’t keep taking advantage of your generosity like this.”
It’s flat and rehearsed, but Kurt doesn’t point out that he knows Blaine is lying. He doesn’t know the real reason - maybe he doesn’t even want to know - but obviously, Blaine doesn’t want to say it. “You don’t have to go, you know?” He glances up at Blaine for a moment to catch him staring, and quickly averts his eyes again. “I mean, whatever you need to do, I guess. But it’s not like that. You’re not taking advantage of anything. You have to know…” Kurt takes a deep breath. “I would never turn you away, Blaine. I wanted to do this.”
Blaine is quiet for a long time, so long that Kurt wonders if he hadn’t heard. When he looks up Blaine is still just watching, staring at him, and there’s an ache in his eyes when he looks at Kurt, deep and raw.
Finally, he replies, and he sounds just as scared as Kurt feels. “Haven’t I messed up your life enough?”
Kurt laughs. He doesn’t know why his heart is breaking to pieces, but he can’t help but laugh, though quietly. You really don’t understand, do you? You have no idea what you mean to me. He wipes away the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. “Bit of a masochist, I guess.”
God, Blaine’s smile. It’s barely there, but it’s beautiful even though it hurts to see. “I have to do this, Kurt,” he says. Kurt can’t tell whom he’s trying to reassure.
“I know you do. I know.” And he does. After calming down, and thinking about it, and training himself to breathe again, he had understood entirely. Blaine is stagnant here, and Kurt won’t be the one to tie him down. He takes a step into the room. “I just wanted you to know that… you can come back any time, okay? Or call me. Whatever you need. If you need help, or you feel like you’re in danger, or you just need a friend…” His voice breaks on the word ‘friend.’ He supposes that’s all they’ll ever be, now, and maybe someday he’ll be okay with that. “Just because you’re on your own doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.”
Blaine tries and fails to hide a sniffle, letting out a shaky laugh and turning back to his closet. “I’ll tell Amelia. She’ll just be mad at you if you tell her, and she might as well get mad at the right person.”
That’s it, then. It’s official. Kurt swallows, and forces himself to hold back tears until he’s out of the room. “Okay. Yeah. That’s probably for the best. We’ll work out who gets her when later, but it’ll be equal, I promise.”
“That’s all I want.” Blaine shoots him another smile that looks horrible, inappropriately kissable. Just do it, a part of Kurt says, just kiss him, but he shoves it away. “I need to pick her up from school. Maybe I’ll take her out for ice cream, make her happy with me before…” He trails off, shaking his head. “When I get back, do you want to help me decide what to wear to my job interview?” He pulls on the sleeve of one of his suits, holding it out for Kurt to see. “I’m thinking -“
“The green tie - not the ironically hideous bowtie, that’s thing is not even funny.” Kurt blurts out.
Blaine raises his eyebrows. “The kids love my ugly bowties. The uglier the better.”
“That’s because they think you’re Doctor Who and you won’t discourage them. Wear the green one,” he insists. “It’s understated, but still gorgeous. Very professor-ly. Makes your eyes look amazing.”
Two spots of pink bloom high on Blaine’s cheeks, but he nods. “You’re the best,” he says, and Kurt tries to smile but thinks that he probably just looks pained.
Blaine leaves to pick up Amelia not long after, and Kurt’s eyes burn hotter with every step Blaine takes toward the door, knowing that soon he won’t be coming back. His throat is so tight as he dials Rachel’s number that he’s afraid he won’t be able to speak when she picks up.
“Kurt! Hello! How’s my best gay - oh my god, why are you crying?”
“’m not crying,” he mumbles, even as a hot tear rolls down his cheek. He rubs it away angrily, slumping back against the wall and squeezing his eyes shut.
“I’ve heard you cry enough times to know what it sounds like, now tell me what happened before I freak out!” Her voice goes shrill, and he holds the phone further from his ear.
“He’s leaving,” Kurt chokes. “He’s leaving, and I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do without him, Rachel?”
“Oh, honey…”
She doesn’t make him talk, except when he needs too, and she doesn’t talk much herself, odd as that is for Rachel Berry. But she lets him cry, knowing that false comforts won’t help. He doesn’t need to hold back with Rachel, she’s seen him at his best and worse, and crying over the phone is nothing new. That doesn’t mean he likes it - it’s stupid, so stupid to feel this way, to feel like this is ripping him in two. But she doesn’t tell him so, doesn’t make him feel like an idiot for crying over this, even though he knows he is.
“Kurt, why don’t you just tell him?” She asks, once his cries have dwindled down to the occasional shuddering sob. “If it means that much to you…“
Kurt shakes his head though she can’t see him. Somehow, he’d ended up sitting on the floor, knees hugged to his chest, and he can see teardrop stains on the denim of his jeans. His voice is rough when he speaks. “No. I can’t do that. Him being as happy as he can be, that’s what matters, and he’s not happy here, so... no. I won’t try to change his mind.”
Rachel sighs. “Sometimes I wish you were more selfish. It’s okay to be, sometimes.”
“Not with him.”
---
Amelia does end up angry with him, or angry in general. She comes home with an ice-cream stain on her dress, a bright red face, and furious tears in her eyes. Blaine just looks exhausted.
“I don’t want papa to move! You’re both stupid!” She screams. She turns to face Kurt, hands balling into fists. “Why don’t you make Papa stay? You’re supposed to love each other!”
“It’s Papa’s choice, Amelia,” Kurt says, rubbing his tired eyes. He wonders how obvious it is that he’s been crying.
“So? Why can’t we just be a family? I don’t wanna go back to Papa’s stupid smelly house! I hate it!“
“That’s enough, Amelia,” Blaine snaps, loud enough that Kurt can tell it’s been just like this the entire time. She gives one last indignant shriek before stomping to her room and slamming the door behind her. Five going on fifteen, Kurt thinks. It’s a joke he makes often but he can’t find the humor in it right now.
Blaine looks at him, and then quickly away, like he’s just too tired to deal with anything else, or too ashamed. He doesn’t say anything before he goes back to his own room, and Kurt already feels like a stranger in his own house.
---
The scene is the same, but instead of a strong wind, there is a gentle breeze, and a blue sky in place of black. And he’s not chained on the far side of the balcony, but standing at the rail, next to Blaine as they look out at the city below them. Blaine’s hand is warm, clasping Kurt’s hand gently in his own.
Blaine turns to look at him. His eyes are bright, not dull and dead but so alive. He smiles, and Kurt smiles back even though it hurts to do so. If he can speak in this version of the dream he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t try. There’s nothing to say.
Blaine steps up onto the thin rail, and Kurt can’t help but grip his hand tighter, but he doesn’t even wobble. He looks back at Kurt only once before he drops Kurt’s hand. He shuts his eyes and stretches his arms out wide, and lets himself tip forward.
This time he doesn’t fall.
He flies. Higher, and higher, and higher, and Kurt can only watch.
When Kurt wakes up there are tears on his cheeks and staining his pillowcase, and they just keep coming, steady and silent. His breath hitches as he tries to contain himself, but Blaine is already awake, his arms around Kurt’s waist and tugging him close.
“Hey, hey,” he murmurs sleepily. “Kurt? What happened? What’s wrong?”
Kurt shakes his head, turning a little to bury his face in the crook of Blaine’s neck. The person causing him pain is the last person he should be looking to for comfort. As soon as he thinks that he knows that he’s wrong, though, it’s only Kurt that’s making this hard, leaving seems to be easy for Blaine.
But he’s there, and warm, and his hands are soothing where they stroke across Kurt’s back, and Kurt clings to him as he shakes and tries to stop crying, to no avail. If he can just hold tight enough then Blaine will stay, here in his arms forever.
What little Blaine owns is in boxes, piled up in the living room, waiting to go out to the car. Tomorrow he’s going home. This might be the last time he gets to hold onto Blaine.
“Shh,” Blaine whispers. His hands smooth over Kurt’s sides, down his back, and Kurt tries to savor it. “It’s okay, don’t cry. You’re okay. Just a bad dream.”
That’s the problem, he wants to scream, but he can’t make the words come.
It wasn’t a nightmare. It was beautiful.
---
The goodbye drags on for too long. Kurt hadn’t meant it to. He’d tried to make it quick and simple, a clean break, even though all he wants is to keep Blaine close. Instead, Blaine lingers in the doorway, his duffel bag slung over his shoulder, while Kurt fusses over him.
“You’re sure you haven’t forgotten anything?” He’s lost count of how many times he’s asked.
“I’m sure, and if I did forget I’ll come and pick it up another time,” Blaine assures him.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come and help move stuff? Or I can come over and cook something for dinner, I don’t know, just… something.”
“Santana’s bringing pizza and she’s helping me move everything,” Blaine says patiently. “It’s not that much stuff, Kurt. You’ve done plenty. We’ll be fine.”
“I know you will.”
“So don’t worry about it.”
“You know I can’t help it.” Blaine sighs, glancing from Kurt to the door behind him and back to Kurt. He’s eager to go and Kurt can’t blame him even though he doesn’t like it. But he seems nervous, too, and it’s still important to get Blaine to open up, talk about what he’s feeling. Just because Blaine doesn’t want to be here doesn’t mean Kurt can’t still try to help him. “Are you scared?”
“Terrified,” he admits, unable to make eye contact. “There’s a liquor store within walking distance from my place. I know I’ve been doing well with the drinking, but what if… what if I do something stupid just because there’s no one to stop me?”
“Promise you’ll call me, then, if you feel like you need to drink, and I’ll talk you out of it. Call me whenever you need to.” Blaine promises, but still doesn’t look comforted, so Kurt adds, “Hey. You’re going to be fine, I know it.”
But I won’t be.
Blaine takes a deep, shaky breath.. “Thank you, Kurt,” he whispers. “For everything. You’ve been just… amazing. I know it’s not enough, but… thank you.”
“What for, I haven’t done anything -”
“Yes you have!”
“Every time something went wrong, it was because of me,” Kurt says, hating the way his voice breaks.
“That’s not true. You saved my life.”
Kurt shakes his head. “You saved your own. I am so proud of you.”
Blaine looks down at his feet, and Kurt wishes he could see his eyes, get an inkling of what he might be feeling. Is he sad? Scared, excited? All three plus a hundred more emotions Kurt can’t even see? It’s like there’s a wall between them, invisible but thick.
“God, I’ll miss you,” Kurt whispers, hardly aware of speaking. Blaine’s head shoots up again, eyes wide. Now he can see what Blaine is feeling - it’s heartbreak. But Kurt has no idea why. He’s the one leaving
“Kurt -“
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad about it. I just wanted you to know. I’ll miss having you here.” He shrugs, as if to say no big deal, but they both know that’s not true. “Not sure what I’ll do with myself when you’re gone. It’s going to be weird sleeping alone.”
Blaine looks so stricken that Kurt immediately starts babbling faster. “Oh, god, please just ignore me. I didn’t mean anything by that. You should just go, you don’t want to be around me, making everything weird…”
“It’s not like we’ll never see each other,” Blaine says. Is Kurt imagining it, or is his voice a little shaky? “I mean, taking Amelia back and forth and whatnot… and I like to think we’re friends. Friends hang out, right?”
“It’s not the same.” Ugh, he thinks. He sounds like such a brat.
“I know, but still.” Blaine peeks at him shyly from underneath his eyelashes. How he still manages to be so beautiful and so tragic will always baffle Kurt. He takes a deep breath. “I’m never saying goodbye to you.”
If anything should bring on the waterworks, that’s it, but it doesn’t. Kurt hasn’t been able to cry since he woke in the middle of the night and sobbed into Blaine’s shirt for hours. Not while helping Blaine take his things out to the car, not while Amelia said her goodbyes before going to spend the night at Rachel’s (I just need a little time, he’d explained when Rachel picked her up, I just need time to be alone and throw myself a pity party and then get the fuck over it.) He feels drained, of tears, of everything.
But it makes his breath catch, his throat close up. God damn you, he thinks, only you can make me feel so many things all at once.
He doesn’t let himself think before he throws his arms around Blaine’s neck, and Blaine doesn’t hesitate before pulling Kurt closer. The embrace is crushing and desperate and borderline painful but Kurt doesn’t let go, can’t. His hands fist into the fabric of Blaine’s shirt, wrinkling it beyond repair. Blaine’s loose, floppy curls tickle his cheeks when he nuzzles close, and Kurt tucks his face into the crook of Blaine’s neck while Blaine does the same.
Don’t go, he wants to whisper in Blaine’s ear.
It’s instinct and instinct only when he pulls back and shuts his eyes tight, when he surges forward to press a dry kiss to Blaine’s lips, closed-mouthed and too hard, gripping tight to Blaine’s shoulders to hold him still. Blaine breathes in sharply through his nose, and the sound is deafening so close. He gives Blaine enough time to respond, to kiss back or shove him away or something, anything, but he just stands frozen, shocked. He might as well be a statue.
Kurt steps back, putting space between them. He already misses the warmth of Blaine’s arms and the toothpaste flavor on his lips.
That’s it, then, Kurt thinks, oddly numb to the thought. He doesn’t want me. Blaine knew, had to know, what Kurt kissing him meant, and he hadn’t done anything. It’s too late, Kurt knows it, already knew it. He’d had a hundred chances, and never took them. That hadn’t stopped him from hoping, and it doesn’t stop it from hurting now. But Blaine doesn’t make a sound except for harsh, ragged breathing, and Kurt doesn’t, can’t, open his eyes.
“You’d better go, or you’ll never make it out the door,” Kurt whispers.
“Kurt -”
“Just go.”
Silence that seems to drag out forever, and then footsteps, and a door opening and shutting. Not a slam, but a soft click. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. Kurt blinks his eyes open.
The space in front of him is empty, and every sign that Blaine was ever here is gone.
Kurt wanders into the kitchen and sinks onto the barstool behind him, propping his elbows up on the countertop and hiding his face in his hands, breathing heavily. He almost wants to cry, to wash himself clean of every emotion running through him, but his eyes stay dry.
He waits for Blaine to come back, his one last blind hope. Waits for him to rush in and take Kurt into his arms and kiss him, kiss him, never stop kissing him, like every ending to the best romances, the old black-and-white films on which a younger Kurt had based his expectations of love. But minutes pass, then half an hour of sitting alone in the kitchen, and Kurt just feels stupid.
Life isn’t a musical, and his life has never ended up like any of his dreams. Happy endings don’t happen to Kurt Hummel.
All is quiet but the ticking of the clock. He listens to the silence, and thinks that he has never felt so alone.
Comments
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Omg, I want my boys to be happy, plese, make my boys happy ;(
I am crushed.
who gave you the right to just take my heart and smash it into a million pieces?!?!
Okay I didn't even make it half through this chapter before I skipped to the end, saw what was there and decided to just take a break and wait for the final chapter to see if there is a happy ending. Oh my God so much angst still! Love this fic but for the first time ever I'm realizing there might not be a happy ending and I just can't deal with that.But it's still a beautiful fic.
Oh my goodness. My heart just broke. You are amazing, and these boys are SO STUPID.
I always intend on reviewing but then I never do - this fic's just hitting home on so many levels, partly because I'm going through something similar Blaine has. Less... destructive, though it did cost me my relationship. And you've been doing such a great job capturing all these moments of doubt, of getting better and then falling back again. And this: "So much of his life has been consumed by this that he doesn't know what to do without his depression." That's what's keeping me from moving on and I didn't even know it. Just, thank you for this, you've done a wonderful job, and I'm sad to see it end.
How can you leave it there!?! You anger me, fabulous fanfic writer. Blaine was supposed to kiss him back! You probably want him to be all healthy and stuff, working on being by himself before being with Kurt again. Waaah! I want immediate gratification!
What?! Why?!?! I guess I understand why Naomi pushed Blaine in the direction she did but I kind of hate her for it. Blaine seems so unsure of himself still. He doesn't want to go. Kurt wants him to stay. Why can't Kurt just tell Blaine how he feels and vice versa. "Don't go, he wants to whisper in Blaine's ear." THEN WHY DOESN'T HE? Damn their internal monologues. God, these two are killing me. FIIIIXXX IIITTT!!
YOU ARE A GENIUS OF WRITING EMOTIONS!!!!!
Oh, my god. This is heartbreaking...
I love this story! I just read through it all and wow! I cant wait to see what's next Blaine's coming back roght' *nervous dance* Comment 100 yay!
I've really enjoyed this fanfic and I'll be sorry when it ends. I'm hoping for a happy ending and a "real" kiss in the last chapter - they both deserve it! Many thanks for a great read.
O my!! I am obsessed with this story. YOu paint the characters so beautifully, and they almost never do what I expect. How can this be ending in one chapter!! Please let them find some happiness.
Oh godddd this fanfiction is sooo good.
I just read this whole story in one night...and asijhjhhhsbhhjbuhjsb Why Blainers Why! My poor baby!!! Kurt!! oh beautiful sad Kurt...you need to love him again!.no wordsIf Kurt doesn't love him in the next chapter I will steal this story and write myself as one of the characters and we can live happilly ever after in the land of... the land of...the land of stories! Oh damn it that's chris's work. Excuse me while I fangirl over this story.so much for no words
Oh and By the way... I had a headache while reading this. I didn't want to give in and go to bed, because I have work tomorrow.I seriously don't want to be wondering what would happen at work..because I'd be panicking and my manager would be like "Why are you crying?""BLAINE COULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW!! KURT HAS TOO SAVE HIM!"Manager: ....Workmates: "Is she on drugs?" That's how much I enjoyed it.
OOps Kurt does Love Him. I forgot. I was so worried bout Blainers. Kurt Needs To Tell Him. Like While I'm At Work. Okay I'm rambling. LOVED IT!
Noooooo!!!! Why are they so stubborn? Come back Blaine!!!! Please bring him back.
why can't they just tell eachother how they feel, they know they love each other sdhfisdfjS sigh love above all else.
Oh my god... I just spent this entire weekend reading your story. All 20chapters of it. It is my new favorite for sure... wow. And just one more chapter left? Amazing... I can't wait for your update. Really I am an emotional mess right now, my heart aches for both of them. I just want them to be happy... creys!
I love this story, it's the saddest I've read. I've cried in every single chapter, can't wait for the next one.
Right from the flying blaine dream I'm crying like a child Thank you for this beautiful story One more chapter to go yay Please god let them be happy orz
Gosh, look at me! I'm a crying mess now, and I'm pretty sure my shirt is ruined... Why can't they just tell each other how much they love and need each other?! It's so obvious, god!
Physically unable to even. That was so beautiful. You are the most talented writer.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD, PLEASE FINISH THE LAST CHAPTER. OMG. :'(
afhjsiugiahav. dont mind me. just flailing in the corner.
THIS CHAPTER WAS VERY DISAPPOINTING . I AM DISAPPOINTED THAT U DIDN'T HAVE THEM KISS THAT WOULD HAVE CLINCHED IT . I AM DISAPPOINTED . I LIKE HAPPY ENDING NOT DEPRESSING ONE'S. MUST CONTINUE TO THE LAST ONE.