Kurt supposes that things could be more awkward, if he put some effort into it.

In the aftermath of their one good night, Blaine is quiet. He doesn’t avoid Kurt, but he doesn’t push either. He’s cautious, stepping carefully around Kurt like he’s walking on glass. He goes out for coffee with Santana whenever she decides to kidnap him, spends more time with Amelia than ever before, and while she loves it and Kurt is glad they make each other smile, he can’t help but ache when Blaine sometimes spends whole days finding new ways to avoid him.

It’s stupid to feel this way, because it’s not new, it’s just like when Blaine first came to stay here, but Kurt still feels like he’s lost something even though he’s back to square one. Like there’s a Blaine-shaped hole he has to fill. That’s not new, either, he’s always been painfully aware of Blaine’s absence in his life after so much time together, but now that he’s let his guard down it’s far more acute.

The look in Blaine’s eyes when he thinks Kurt isn’t watching, infinitely sad and looking exactly the way Kurt feels, doesn’t help. He doesn’t know how to fix things. And after Naomi gives him the update on Blaine’s progress after the next therapy session - “Not so good this week, Mr. Hummel, something’s bothering him but he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it - just scoffed at me when I asked if maybe he could talk to you, so…” - he knows he has to do something.

The question is just what. And on that, he’s stumped.

--

He’s in the process of reading Harry Potter to Amelia - she stops him every few minutes to ask what a word means, eyes alight with wonder whenever she learns something new, and sometimes she makes him stop so that she can try to sound out a few slow sentences of her own - while Blaine watches TV when the doorbell rings.

Kurt’s lap is full of Amelia, snuggled up warm and close, and that doesn’t show signs of change, so Blaine gets up. “Probably Santana, I’ll get it.” Kurt nods, going back to the book, where Harry is just discovering that he’s going to Hogwarts. He can’t see the door from where they’re curled up on the couch, so he doesn’t know who’s there at first, until a familiar voice says, “Oh - I’m sorry, I think I have the wrong address - I’m looking for Kurt Hummel?”

Kurt lifts his head, the motion sharp and sudden. He knows that voice, or he’s pretty sure he knows it. “Scoot over, sweetie,” he murmurs to Amelia, who takes the book from his hands and climbs off his lap, quietly mouthing a word to herself as she keeps trying to read.

“Uh… no, yeah, he’s here,” Blaine says, voice tinged with confusion. “Kurt?” He calls out, but Kurt is already in the kitchen, and then standing next to Blaine by the door.

The man standing in the doorway is a half-inch taller than Kurt, with floppy brown hair and gray eyes, one hand held behind his back. He’s dressed smart but casual, a button-up with no tie and slacks. His face lights up when he sees Kurt, his grin lopsided and easy.

“Neil,” Kurt says, a little breathless - mostly with surprise.� He likes Neil, he’s a nice guy and great in bed but Kurt has no idea why he’s shown up at Kurt’s house. “Um - wow. Hi!”

“Hey.” Neil runs his free hand through his hair, mussing it up in a way that should irritate Kurt, but it somehow doesn’t. “Um. For you.” From behind his back, he produces a small bouquet of flowers, a mass of different colors like he couldn’t decide what Kurt would like, but the effect isn’t bad.

Kurt takes them, a little stunned. “Thank you, they’re gorgeous - sorry, what are they for?”

Neil’s face falls. “…you didn’t remember.”

All of the sudden he does, and Kurt closes his eyes and groans. “We had a date. Oh, Neil, I’m so sorry, my life has just been a mess lately and I completely forgot.” It’s not a lie; with all the business with Blaine, he’s surprised he hasn’t forgotten more appointments yet.

“No, I’m sorry, I guess I should have called first. I didn’t realize you had company.” He nods at Blaine, who glances back and forth between Kurt and Neil, unabashedly glaring at the latter of the two.

“Oh, Blaine - Blaine isn’t company, he’s staying here,” Kurt corrects quickly. Sometimes it doesn’t occur to Kurt that that isn’t normal, that people won’t understand their messed-up dynamic. He forgets that any explanation he has will not make sense, not that he owes anyone an explanation. It’s Blaine and no matter what, he and Blaine have always been a unit.

He doesn’t know when he got used to this life.

Neil actually looks at Blaine now, like he’s seeing him for the first time. His eyes widen a little. “You’re Blaine?”

“That would be me.”

“You’re… the ex.”

“Ex-husband.” Blaine’s lips press together in a firm line, a mockery of a smile, and it doesn’t reach his eyes. “So nice to meet you.”

Neil looks more out of his depth with every passing second, shifting uncomfortably under Blaine unrelenting gaze. Kurt is just glad he doesn’t pry. “Should I go?” He asks, glancing at Kurt. “We could reschedule, if this is a bad time…?”

The idea of going out on a simple date is almost baffling. There haven’t been dates, not for years. It’s not from lack of interest, either, he hasn’t avoided other guys, but what adult has the time to date? He has work, he has Amelia, now he has Blaine and that takes up every spare bit of brainpower. He doesn’t have time for fun, which now that he actually thinks about it, is unfair. Blaine is here, and he’s stable enough to leave alone now. He could take care of Amelia while Kurt is gone…

“No, no, it’s -“

“Kurt, could I talk to you for a moment?” Blaine interrupts. His arms are crossed as he keeps staring at Neil, as if challenging him. Like he’s chasing off a suitor. It makes Kurt more angry than it should, like Blaine has any right to be jealous or whatever the hell this it.

“…okay. I’ll be back in a second, Neil.” He follows Blaine down the hall, stepping into the guest room and shutting the door behind them. “Well?”

“Who is he?”

“Just a friend.” He can tell that Blaine doesn’t believe him. “What?” He snaps.

“Is he your… boyfriend? Is that - is that why you said that, you know, what we did… is that why it was a mistake? Did you cheat on him with me?” He looks so scandalized that Kurt nearly laughs aloud.

“No! No, we’re not dating.”

“So he’s ‘just a friend’ who brings you flowers and makes dinner reservations.”

“We hooked up a couple of times, okay?” Blaine flinches. “It’s just a date, Blaine, it’s not a big deal.”

“But seriously? This guy?”

“Oh, come on, you don’t even know him. You’re just assuming he’s a bad guy!”

“He’s not even your type…”

“And how exactly would you know what my type is?”

Blaine crosses his arms over his chest, staring at the floor and mumbling. “I kind of figured your type would be me.”

Kurt tries to ignore how much that hurts, and how true it is - he wonders sometimes if he singled Neil out simply because he is Blaine’s opposite. He exhales, slow and shaky. Do you even have a life outside of Blaine anymore? Rachel had asked. Well, screw Blaine, he thinks, trying to work some vehemence into his inner voice. Of course he has his own life. Blaine does not control his life, and he can prove that right now. “Well, you probably didn’t notice while frolicking with Santana all week, but I need a night out of the house too. So I’m going on this date, and yes, maybe I’ll hook up again, who knows? But keep your opinions on him to yourself, because amazingly enough, who I sleep with is none of your business anymore. I don’t need your approval. And you have no right to be jealous.”

He turns on his heel and leaves Blaine there, ignoring the twinge of guilt he feels as he goes back into the kitchen. Amelia is staring at Neil from the couch, eyes narrowed in suspicion. He plasters on a bright smile, even though Blaine has made this feel anything but good. “Give me five, ten minutes to change and then we can go? Make yourself at home.”

“No problem.” Neil beams at him. Kurt can’t help but shoot Blaine, who had reentered the living room, a look that he hopes translates to play nice as he goes to his room, trying to think of something classy he can throw on at such short notice. He’ll be sure to work a scarf in there; scarves manage to make him look put-together even when he’s anything but.

It’s rushed but that’s to be expected, and he thinks that the charcoal gray vest, white button-up, black skinny jeans and his favorite Doc Martins are dressy enough for dinner - he was right, the silvery scarf he wraps around his neck finishes the ensemble perfectly - while casual enough for what he is presuming will be a casual first date.

God, he hasn’t had a first date in… he isn’t even sure how long, now. The hookups don’t count, two of them being nameless men in a seedy club, who Kurt tries to forget out of shame (that had been during the first pathetic six months after the divorce, and it had taken him ages to convince himself that he wasn’t cheating on Blaine by sleeping with other people). They were drunk and he wasn’t - not in his right mind, certainly, but not at all intoxicated, which had somehow made the whole experience more strange and uncomfortable, even if it felt vaguely good at the time. The two others were decent enough to offer him breakfast in the awkward morning-after. He doesn’t even like sleeping around, it leaves him more dissatisfied than satiated and it’s just not him, monogamy has always thrilled him in a strange way. But he can add it to the list of things he dislikes about the life he now leads.

Neil, however, was something else - Kurt had met him at a party thrown by a coworker that had been entirely torturous except for his company, his clever jokes and flawless hair and swoon-worthy smile and most importantly his shared hatred of everyone else at that party. Things had proceeded from there. They only met again by chance, and somehow ended up back in his bed once again, the first time Kurt had ever slept with the same guy twice, other than Blaine and a very brief fling during their very brief breakup in college. Then they ran into each other at a coffee shop a couple months later, and talked for a few hours and exchanged phone numbers, casually texting every so often. They had planned a proper date, Kurt now remembers, but he had forgotten to put it in his planner and had thus forgotten it, lost in the madness of these past weeks.

Still, it can’t hurt. Weeks of taking care of everyone but himself - doesn’t he deserve a night out? And if he finds there’s something there between them besides a shared love of sex, well -

- well, Kurt doesn’t know what he’ll do then. Better not to think on it, he decides. One date won’t hurt anyone.

Except maybe Blaine, his mind unhelpfully supplies.

It’s none of his business, he argues.

You saw the look on his face.

And now he’s arguing with himself; wonderful, as if he needs more issues. Kurt bites out a laugh as he wraps and unwraps his scarf, nothing looking quite right, before he gives up and assumes that no one will notice if he doesn’t tie it right anyway.� No, he’s going to go out with Neil and have a good time and Blaine will not factor into it.

Not one bit.

--

Neil takes him to a restaurant, not expensive enough to make Kurt uncomfortable but classy enough to make it obvious that this is a date, and an awkward one at that. They make small talk as they sip at their drinks (just too-sweet lemonade for Kurt; Neil offers him wine, but Kurt turns him down in a way that he later realizes must have seemed cold), talking about work and mutual acquaintances and some new musical showing in an off-Broadway theater. After that fades into silence, Neil clears his throat and says, “So… your ex-husband lives with you.”

“Temporarily,” Kurt answers. “He was… in a bad situation and I’m helping him get back on his feet.”

“So you’re not…“ Neil coughs. “You know, together?”

Why does that make Kurt’s stomach twist in knots? “No.” It still feels wrong to say. “Look, um… could we not talk about Blaine?” If he’s going to go on dates he can’t let Blaine worm his way into them too.��

“Oh - yeah, of course.”

“It’s just not a fun subject. Really complicated.” When he actually thinks about it, it’s true, but everyday life doesn’t feel as complicated as it us. Blaine needs his help and there’s no one else there, simple as that. It’s only when he ponders what brought them to this point that he realizes how fucked up it all is.

“Of course. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“You didn’t know.” Kurt fiddles with the edge of his napkin, more decorative than functional, his thumb tracing the bit of embroidery at the corner. It’s one of those restaurants where it takes an hour for the food to get there, which only succeeds in making longer silences to fill.

“I just want to know more about you,” Neil admits. Without warning, his hand shoots across the table to cover Kurt’s. His fingers are long and his nails could use some work, and there are no callouses to speak of. It’s odd. It’s just another hand but it’s so completely different from Blaine’s that it doesn’t seem right to hold. “You’re really awesome, Kurt.”

Kurt’s cheeks warm, and he ducks his head. “You’re sweet.” He keeps his hand still under Neil’s. There’s no reason not to hold hands, but he still glances around, futilely, for a reason to pull back. “Um… so what do you want to know about me?”

“Hmm… what made you go into fashion design?”

“Broadway didn’t work out.” He shrugs, and laughs softly at Neil’s raised eyebrow. “I didn’t get into the acting program I wanted, and of course I was devastated, but I sent my sketchbook to FIT out of desperation. Didn’t really expect anything to come of it, but I needed some way out of Ohio.� And here I am.” Another shrug and the movement makes his hand shift slightly under Neil’s. It seems like that brush of skin alone should send sparks shooting up his arm, make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Holding hands with Blaine always did.

Stop comparing everything he does to Blaine, Kurt snaps at himself. He’s not Blaine. That’s the whole point.

“Well, I see why they liked you, your designs are fantastic,” Neil says. “Of course, I don’t know what most of it is, but… I’m afraid I’m not the most fashionable of men. Couldn’t tell a cufflink from a cummerbund. Actually, I have no idea what either of those things are.”

“Blasphemy. Hand in your gay card.”

“I know, right?” He laughs.

“Don’t worry, Blaine’s just as bad. I mean, not that he doesn’t dress well, but the man has no eye for modern fashion. He still dresses like a toddler and a grandpa at the same time, even though that stopped being cool in 2013. He claims that adding a bowtie to any ensemble automatically makes it fashionable.” That, at least, gets them both laughing, although it’s short lived. “Sorry, I know I said I didn’t want to talk about him…”

“Hey, no, it’s okay.”

“No, no, I’m making this awkward. No more talking about my ex-husband while on a date.” He laughs again, forced and fake. “Maybe that’s why I can’t get laid.”

“I, er, actually didn’t think you had much trouble with that.” Neil rubs the back of his head and blushes. “Your charms worked on me, anyway.”

“You were slightly tipsy,” Kurt points out. “Because apparently my ‘charms’ only work on drunkards.” His tone turns out bitter enough for Neil not to continue that topic. Kurt sighs. All he’s managing to do is make this awkward, and he really doesn’t want it to be. “On second thought, mind if I have some of that wine?”

Neil pours him a glass, and he downs about half of it in two gulps. It’s dry and not the most pleasant taste and it feels familiar but foreign going down his throat. It’s stupid and it feels wrong but he’s not going to get drunk. He’s just going finish this glass and go back to not drinking, just to make tonight a little less weird.

Maybe that’s the first sign that this is a mistake.

Dinner comes and goes, dessert refused, and the conversation is… stilted, but nice. It’s all very nice but that’s the only thing to describe it; Neil, he decides, is just a tad bland when they’re not having sex. Maybe they just need to loosen up, maybe it’s just realizing that they don’t know each other at all. Almost every conversation before has led up to sex and they both knew it, even the first time. So maybe it’s not a surprise that they don’t know how to just talk to each other.

Knowing that doesn’t stop Kurt from being disappointed.

Later, when they’re back in Neil’s little blue car, they sit for a little while before Neil leans over and kisses him.

It’s probably good that he’s so different from Blaine; that was part of the appeal in the beginning. Blaine kind of tends to just go for it without much warning (once he had actually shouted surprise! before planting a loud, wet, overenthusiastic kiss on Kurt, leaving Kurt laughing uncontrollably for at least five minutes.) Neil is a little more hesitant, pressing a couple soft kisses to Kurt’s lips before he takes Kurt’s lack of resistance as a cue to go on. He’s slow and gentle, testing the waters; fingertips tilting Kurt’s chin up to change the angle and deepen the kiss.

He goes with it, because why the hell not, and this is nice too. Neil isn’t as good at this as Blaine, but then, the two of them had years and years to figure out everything the other liked, so he can’t really blame Neil for that. The little sparks of pleasure are dull and in the background, but not in a bad way. The kissing and the warm hint of wine in his stomach make Kurt feel kind of lazy and slow, content to keep going at this pace. Except Neil seems to feel the opposite way; he hums appreciatively, making little vibrations on Kurt’s lips, and turns it deeper still, tongue flicking out to rub against Kurt’s. Faster now, lips slick and sliding, and Kurt pulls away, flopping back into his seat to breathe and get his bearings and try not to feel so guilty. Not being at such an awkward angle is a relief.

Neil kisses high on his neck, and then pulls back and watches him, smiling. When he speaks, Kurt automatically assumes that Neil will ask to go back to his place, so it’s a bit of a shock when instead he says, “Be my boyfriend?”

“What?”

“Be my boyfriend!”

Kurt laughs shakily, hands twisting together in his lap where they had stayed during the entirety of the kissing. “Um - moving a little fast, don’t you think?”

Neil raises his eyebrows. “Kurt, we’ve had sex, I don’t think it’s moving that fast.”

“And we can continue that without dating. The… sex-having.” He hadn’t actually thought as far as going over to Neil’s after the date, but right now he’s considering it just to make him stop talking about boyfriends and dating. Maybe a quickie in the car would do the trick.

“That’s not what I want.” Neil says, and Kurt flops back in his seat. So much for that. “I really like you, Kurt. I think we could be good together and I can tell you come with a bit of baggage -“ Kurt barely restrains his laugher at that, oh god, baggage is such an understatement - “and you’ve got your kid and all. Annie, was it?”

“Amelia.”

“Right, her. Anyway, that doesn’t bother me. I can get to know the kid.”

“I… it’s been a really long time since I’ve had a boyfriend.”

“Is that a yes?”

The thing is that it wouldn’t be at all bad, getting to know Neil, being his boyfriend. It would be easy, and fun and simple, and Neil clearly adores him, probably more than Kurt does him. The sex would be great and he probably really wouldn’t mind the baggage (that, or he would run away screaming and Kurt wouldn’t blame him for a moment). It would be… well, nice.

And maybe it would actually work out. Maybe he and Amelia would get along, maybe Neil would turn out to be everything he didn’t know he needed, maybe he would fill the hole in Kurt’s life. He wouldn’t quite fit, perhaps, that hole is specifically Blaine-sized-and-shaped, but he could be close enough. Maybe everything would be okay.

He wonders if Blaine would actually like Neil, given the chance.

It’s the thought of Blaine that stops him short and makes him feel ill just for considering this; of course it is. He lets out a shaky breath. “Take me home.” It’s not quite what he means to say, but it’s what he needs, to be home and able to think about everything, about this and about Blaine and what it all means, in peace.

Neil’s expression crumbles. He starts the car, pointedly not looking at Kurt. “Neil,” Kurt begins.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m not saying never. Okay? You’re a great guy, and tonight was lovely, it was, but I need time to think about it.”

Neil shakes his head as they pull out of the parking lot, grip on the steering wheel tight. “Is it Blaine?”

Kurt hesitates. “Not… not the way you’re thinking. You’re right about the baggage, there’s more of it than you could possibly know. I’m not going to dump that on you.”

“You love him.” He says it with a distasteful look on his face, like it’s a simple unpleasant fact, and it kind of is.

“No, I don’t,” Kurt lies.

“Well, he loves you.” Neil shrugs. “Anyone can see it.”

Kurt looks away, staring out the window and at the neon lights of the city around them, and wonders if he would even know what to do with a boyfriend if he had one. He knows how to be married and engaged, but he hasn’t been a boyfriend in a long time, much less a new boyfriend. Those first months, even those first years, of being with Blaine and learning how to be together, how to love each other, are still so special to Kurt - how could he do that with someone brand new? “Maybe once I’ve had time to think about it,” he begins, knowing his words are false even as he says them; he’s not going to date Neil, there was never any chance, and it sucks - he wants to, or he wants to want to, but…

“As long as Blaine is in the picture it wouldn’t work out anyway,” Neil says, voicing Kurt’s exact thoughts. “I can tell that much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

They don’t talk again during the drive, and it gives Kurt time to think. About Neil, and about Blaine, and how he feels about all of it - and by the end, when Neil parks in front of the apartment building, all Kurt can feel is angry. At himself, for being so stupid and not letting himself go through with this. But more than that, angry at Blaine.

It’s just not fair. This could have been amazing, wonderful, but instead thoughts of Blaine had lingered in his mind all night long. Comparing Neil’s every action to Blaine, wondering what Blaine would say in response to a comment or question - Blaine hadn’t left him alone the entire evening, and he hadn’t even been there.

Kurt had thought that maybe, just maybe, he could get over Blaine for good, Could learn to actually like Neil, could be happy. But apparently that isn’t allowed to happen. So yeah, Kurt is just a little pissed off.

Neil kisses him goodnight, soft and chaste, and even though they don’t say that they won’t see each other again it feels like a goodbye. Kurt’s hands clench into fists as he stomps up the stairs, unlocks the door to the apartment, and steps inside.

The lights are turned down low, the TV quiet so as not to wake up Amelia, and it casts bluish light on the wall and the couch and on Blaine’s face. He looks otherworldly in the light, strange and beautiful, but suddenly Kurt just hates the sight of him.

Blaine looks up as Kurt comes inside. “Hey.” Kurt doesn’t reply, has half a mind to give him the silent treatment entirely. “Um… how did it go?”

“Oh, just peachy.”� Kurt tugs off his coat and hangs in up with as much force as he can muster. The scarf comes off next, practically tearing it off his neck as he hangs both garments from the coat rack. “I doubt we’ll be seeing him again. I hope you’re happy.”

"…What? Why would that make me happy -?"

“Why wouldn’t it? Doesn’t matter, I ended it. So thank you, Blaine, for ruining something that could actually make me happy.” It’s not fair, he’s being too harsh, but he can’t stop.

Blaine blinks up at him, the bewildered expression making Kurt want to scream. "I am so lost, why exactly it my fault you had a bad date?”

"Because -“ just you, with your eyes and your face and the way you still look at me and the way you make me hope… “Ugh!” What can he say? Not that Blaine has ruined other men for him just by being there, not that Kurt imagined Blaine’s soft lips when he kissed Neil, not that he still feels like he was cheating on Blaine by doing this, the way he feels every single time he’s with a man that isn’t Blaine. “Just - you don't get to do this to me, okay? Who I fuck has nothing to do with you and you don’t get to make me feel awful about it! Stop trying to wreck everything I try to do to feel good!" And he needs something to feel good, just one thing in his life.

But obviously nothing is allowed to go right.

"You’re overreacting, and besides, he was obviously just using you for sex, Kurt; like that guy would have cared about you or Amelia…"

“He asked me to be his boyfriend.” Kurt feels wobbly just thinking about it. “So, more like I was using him. Because apparently I do that now. Yay, me.”

Blaine’s mouth falls open, and he looks stricken. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Seeing you with another guy freaked me out. I couldn't help it."

"That's not fair, Blaine,” Kurt snaps. “And you know it.”

"I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I just - we never even talked about it," Blaine says. "What... happened with us. Not really. Don’t you feel like it was left unfinished?"

Kurt clenches and unclenches his hands, trying to steady his breathing and failing. “Now you want to talk?” His voice shakes with the effort he puts into being calm, voice rising with every word. "You want to sit here and chat about how you screamed in my face and hit me and took my baby away from me -“

“Kurt-"

“- because I can’t, Blaine, I can’t talk about what you did and I don’t ever want to, not with you. I just want to move on and forget and live my life and I can’t even do that, because you make me feel like shit for trying to move on even though I’ll never be able to. You don’t have a monopoly on being fucked up over this, Blaine. I get to have issues too.”

The silence leaves a ringing in his ears, and Blaine stares up at him from where he sits on the couch, eyes wide and looking at him with such sorrow. “I was… actually talking about the night of your birthday,” he says, swallowing thickly. “But that too, I guess.”

A laugh forces its way up Kurt’s throat, sharp and hysterical. “Unbelievable,” he whispers, voice tight. If Blaine thinks that they can just go back to how things were he’s delusional. “Well, there, we talked, are you happy now?”

"I don't know what more I can say." Blaine says, his voice oddly gentle now.

"I don’t want to hear it." Kurt groans. "It's over, it's been done, it can't be reversed. I just want to forget about it."

"If I could take any of it back, I would. You have no - I've felt so awful, Kurt, about all of it."

"Then why have you been such an asshole to me? Ever since you got here, you act like I fucking owe you something, it’s just not fair." Kurt knows he has to stop - yelling at Blaine is anything but beneficial - but he just can't. It's just like before, only now he's the one doing all of the attacking. It makes him physically ill.

"I need to be alone," he mutters.

"Kurt…"

Kurt stands, making his swift way to the bedroom without giving Blaine a chance to say anything. He slams the door behind him and locks it - overkill, perhaps, but he doesn't care. He leans up against the door, trying to stop shaking from anger.

Of all the times to break down. Why over this? It’s not like Neil was anything special, or like Kurt even wanted him to be. Of course, the fight isn’t about Neil, it’s about everything that has happened coming to a head, all of his pent up frustrations bursting out. It’s completely unreasonable, and he knows it, which is why he needs to be alone before he makes it all worse.

"Kurt."

Kurt closes his eyes. "Please go away." He says, voice choked and not sounding at all like his own. He hears Blaine lean against the door and recoils from it. Even when separated by nothing but a few inches of wood they feel worlds apart. "Blaine, I can’t do this right now, just please..."

"I need to try to make this right."

Kurt doesn't reply. On the other side, Blaine breathes, deep and shaky. "If you want to be with Neil..." he says the name like it's a curse. “Then you should be. I don't have any say in it anymore and I shouldn't have acted like I do and I'm... really sorry."

Kurt sinks down to the carpeted floor, back to the door, letting his head thump against it. "I don't think I even liked him that much," he says, not sure why he's admitting this at all. It's easier when he can't see Blaine's face. "Not really. I wanted to, but I don’t." Maybe, he muses, he doesn't remember how to fall in love anymore.

"Then why...?" Blaine lets the question trail off.

"What, like you haven't hooked up?" Blaine doesn't reply, which is all the answer Kurt needs. "I don't know. I just needed to try to move on. Needless to say, it didn't work. It's probably for the best. I don't want to be the kind of parent with a new boyfriend for the kid to get used to every week. It isn't fair to Amelia."

Blaine stays silent for a moment. "You're right. I have tried hooking up. It didn't work for me, either." He says softly. Kurt hates the way that fact makes him feel, even though he knew already - the thought of another man touching Blaine, fucking Blaine, is awful. He wonders if Blaine feels the same way knowing how Kurt has slept around. "Where... does that leave us?"

"Nowhere." Kurt swallows back the lump in his throat. "I'm not ready to forgive you, Blaine."

"I don't even want you to. I mean, I do, but - not yet, not until you're really ready to."

Kurt breathes in, deep and shuddering. "I'm supposed to be the strong one here," he says. "I'm supposed to be strong for you and for Amelia, but look at me. I'm pathetic."

"No. You're still the strongest person I've ever met." Blaine's voice is closer suddenly, like he sat down too. Kurt sucks in a sharp breath but doesn't move away. "You're always telling me it's okay to hurt. That applies to you, too, you know. If you still hate me -"

"I've never hated you." Kurt interrupts, not meaning to say it but knowing that it’s true. "God knows I wish I could, it would be easier."

"Easier than what?"

"Than being so lonely. Easier than missing you every single day even though I shouldn't." Shut up, shut up, he thinks to himself. Now that he's started talking, he can't seem to stop.

"I'm here now." Blaine says, sounding bewildered. Kurt shakes his head, even though Blaine can't see it.

"No," he says. "No you're not. Not the Blaine that I lov- that I remember. You changed and I know I can’t fix you but I want to." his voice breaks, and he shuts his eyes tight.

Blaine doesn't seem to know what to say to any of this, the silence stretching out. "I always thought that, even if we broke up, we would still be best friends," he says. "Obviously that...didn't happen."

"Gee, I wonder why that might be."

"I miss you, too," Blaine whispers, thankfully ignoring the sarcasm in Kurt’s voice. He speaks so softly that Kurt wonders if he heard right. "So much.”

“Blaine…”

“And I understand if you would rather we just get through this and go back to not talking, but. I want at least try to be your friend.  When you're ready for it. I don’t know how easy it will be, but anything would be better than this. At least friends talk about things, right?"

Kurt digs his fingers into the carpet, blinking back tears - somehow he had managed not to cry over any of the fight, but this, this breaks him down. Friends. He had always wanted the same thing - to keep Blaine in his life no matter what happened to them, because living without him didn't seem worth it or even possible. Their lives have been so tangled up in each other's from the very day they met and it's the same now.

But friends? Does he even know how to do that anymore?

He tries to imagine going back to being strangers, after all this is over and Blaine goes home. The vision dissipates as soon as he conjures it. Not being part of Blaine’s life isn't an option, because Blaine is and always has been a part of him, for better or for worse. He can't shut out the man who has helped shape him into the person he is now.

Even if being close to him hurts almost as much as keeping him away.

"Do you think it's possible?" he murmurs. He wants to try, but god, it’s scary. Letting someone else through the shell he’s built, even if that someone knows every crack, crevice, and secret way to get in anyhow - opening up to him is so, so terrifying. He wonders if it will help Blaine, letting him in like this. That’s the point of it all, making Blaine better.

"I don't know," Blaine admits. "But I’ve tried keeping you at a distance, and it’s exhausting. I just don’t know how to do it. So… that’s what I want. But it’s up to you."

"You have made me feel like such shit." Kurt whispers.

"I know." Kurt's almost glad he doesn't try to apologize again. He wouldn't have accepted it anyway.

"Friends," he says, tasting the word on his tongue. He swallows down the lump in his throat and says, shaky and hesitant. "I think I'd like that."

He can almost see Blaine’s smile even with the barrier between them, beautiful and heartbreaking.