Struggling
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Struggling: I Want To Hold Your Hand


T - Words: 4,678 - Last Updated: May 13, 2012
Story: Closed - Chapters: 27/? - Created: Apr 12, 2012 - Updated: May 13, 2012
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"Okay, Kurt, I'm going to start to pull the tube out of your throat now. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't going to hurt. It's going to hurt a bit and for a minute. We're going to keep your feeding tube in until your stitches heal." Dr. Piker told him as she and a nurse snapped on gloves and gathered some medical supplies.

Kurt nodded slowly, feeling the drugs trying to lull him back to sleep. He wanted to see Blaine so bad that his heart ached as bad as the stitches in his stomach and face. Blaine, I love you so much. I need you. Tears prickled the corners of his eyes.

Dr. Piker saw the small pools of moisture in his eyes and stopped what she was typing the computer by his IV stand. Taking up his hand in her gloved ones, her eyes softened. "Kurt, I know you want to see Blaine, but first we have to get you stabilized first and then maybe later, I'll have the nurses help you over to him. He's right next door and I promise you'll get to see him before you go to a regular room on Friday. Okay?" She quietly told him.

Kurt slowly rolled his eyes up to meet the doctor's soft green eyes that told him she meant every word of it.

"Okay, I'm going to start to take the tube out now. As I'm taking it out, I need you to cough. It's going to hurt when you cough, but it will get the mucus out. Are you ready? I know you're tired, but it's going to take just a little bit and then I'll let you sleep." Dr. Piker softly said.

Kurt nodded and closed his eyes, focusing on his own breathing as the machine was shut off. He felt a twang of pain as the tube that was in his throat was swiftly pulled out, causing him to cough quite hard. The nurse was putting a suction tube in his mouth as the tube was being pulled up so that it would suck the saliva and mucus out of his mouth so he wouldn't choke on it when he breathed through his mouth. The tube was completely out and Dr. Piker immediately strapped an oxygen mask around his mouth and nose to ease the sudden loss of extra oxygen to his lungs. Kurt felt that there was still something in the back of his throat and reached a hand to the doctor's arm to try and say something.

Dr. Piker turned around when she felt his hand on her elbow, gripping it weakly. Kurt took his hand off and slowly traced a line on his head from his jaw down his throat. "That's your feeding tube, Kurt. It'll have to stay for a few more days while your belly heals from the surgery. You can't eat yet so that's how you're going to "eat" so to say." He nodded slowly before he blinked his eyelids sleepily. "Your mom and dad are right outside the door, I'm going to get them."

Kurt motioned with his upturned hand and index finger for her to come closer. Dr. Piker obliged bending at the waist close to his face. "Thank… you." Kurt quietly rasped before coughing again.

The young doctor smiled. "You're absolutely welcome, Kurt. I'll see you in a little bit." Kurt nodded and closed his eyes.

Dr. Piker and the nurse finished up cleaning the used medical supplies before walking out. As soon as the doctor was out the door of Kurt's ICU room, she was shocked how dark it had gotten; it was getting close to nine o'clock. Walking swiftly to the hallway outside of the ICU ward doors, she saw the burly, bald man and his wife and son sitting on the probably uncomfortable chairs.

"Mr. Hummel?" All three of them snapped their faces up to her voice; she could tell they had been crying again. Walking to the isle of chairs across from them, she took a seat facing them. "Kurt did extremely well to extubation from the ventilator and right now he is sleeping from the medicines. His NG tube will have to stay in for a little while longer until his intestines have healed enough for him to handle liquids. I suspect that he will be able to move up to the room with Joseph Anderson on Friday or so. I've cleared it with the nurses that Kurt can handle more than two but no more than five people visiting him since he is awake now. His throat will be sore for the next few hours so if he needs any pain medication, please be sure to contact me or one of the nurses." She said simply, exhaustion creeping through her body. It had been a long day.

"Thank you so much, doctor." Burt said softly. The three of them stood up and walked into the ward while the doctor stayed behind, still sitting in the chair.


As Burt walked back into his son's room, he was still shocked at how battered Kurt looked. Kurt was sleeping peacefully at last, with no tube to help his breathing. Burt sat in the chair by his right hand and clutched as if his life depended on it. He silently started to cry, cry for what his son had had to go through for being himself, cry for his Elizabeth, cry for having the best son he could ever have.

Carole dragged another chair over to her husband and rubbed his back. Finn stood awkwardly across the other side of the bed, rubbing Kurt's cold forearm.

"Finn, sweetie, why don't you go and tell your friends to all go to the hotel and sleep. Burt and I will stay here for the night. You and the others go and get some sleep." Carole said firmly, but gently, when Finn started to voice his dissention. Looking defeated, he nodded and left the room.

Finn walked the hallways and rode the elevator in a daze, not really thinking at all. He walked back into the room where he, the New Directions, and the Warblers were basically living in for the past two days or so; it was close to midnight. Finn walked in and found them all talking together; they all stopped what they were doing at looked at the tall teen.

"Kurt's awake. Blaine's still asleep." Finn basically summed up. They were all asking questions at the same time before Puck and Thad calmed them all down.

"So, can we see them? I mean, if Kurt's awake and stuff…" Puck asked as Finn shook his head.

"Kurt woke up only for a little bit before he went back to sleep. Burt and my mom are staying with him tonight, and then tomorrow we can work out a plan where we can rotate who gets to stay with him and Blaine. But my mom says that we should all get some sleep in the hotel so we should get going." Finn said tiredly, Quinn getting up and walking towards him.

"I agree. We all need some sleep." Quinn said, echoing her boyfriend. They all walked out the door, leaving the room finally empty for the first time in a while.


Thursday, eight o'clock in the morning

Lauren had her head in her arms on the side of Joey's bed. After her best friend woke up, and fell back asleep, Sarah and her switched again so that they could be close to them for the night. She had been fitfully sleeping, waking up whenever someone came in the room.

The sun was shining through the window when Joey slowly woke up from his drugged sleep. The first thing Joey saw when he opened his eyes was the white ceiling lit up by the gold sun peaking through the horizon. He tentatively lifted his right hand to rub his eyes when he finally realized that he was no longer in handcuffs. A dull pain in his leg alerted him and made him remember what had happened the two days before. Joey looked down and saw his older sister sleeping on the side of his bed with her hand on his cast. Joey smiled sadly and tears trickled down his face, not because of his physical pain but because what he would tell her when she woke up.

Dad, why? He thought, leaning back into his pillows and staring out the window; tears still coming down his pale face. Why? I don't understand why you needed to go to this extreme. You hurt me, Blaine, Mairead, and Kurt just because I was supporting my brother? Dad, I just want to know why you tried to fucking kill me and everyone I love. Joey sniffed as quietly as he could.

A rumbling in his stomach made him smile a bit. He hadn't eaten anything since they were kidnapped. Joey didn't count the "chicken broth" he had last night as actual food. Scanning the sides of his bed, he found the little red button that would alert the nurse and come to his room. A nurse walked in a few minutes after he pressed it. She was about to speak when Joey slowly brought his finger up to his lips and pointed at his sister with his other hand. The pretty brunette nurse nodded and came close to him.

"How did you sleep, Joey? Are you in pain right now?" she asked him, close to his ear as she pulled out her stethoscope from around her neck to listen to his breathing.

Joey shrugged once. "I'm more hungry than anything right now. The pain's not that bad. It like an ache rather than pain. Can I have something to eat?"

"You're supposed to have soft or liquid food for now, since you haven't eaten anything for about the last four days. I'll have the kitchen bring up a tray of scrambled eggs and oatmeal. Does that sound okay with you?" She whispered.

"Ew, not the oatmeal. Can I have… maybe pudding instead? Oatmeal grosses me out, but she loves it for some odd reason." Joey looked pointedly at his sleeping sister. "Oh, and could you get another blanket? Not for me, but for her." He asked drowsily, but not really wanting to go back to sleep. "She looks cold."

The nurse nodded to everything he said. "Of course, I'll arrange for a sleeper chair to be moved into here later today. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Joey sighed quietly, hoping that Blaine was alright and close to him. He could tell he was a two person room but the curtain was between him and the other bed.

A quiet knock at the door alerted him to a young man coming in and bearing a tray of food covered by plastic food coverings to keep it warm. The nurse followed him carrying an extra blanket and a pillow. Joey smiled at the young man who set the tray on the table and maneuvered it over towards him and removed the coverings before heading out. He took in the tray of food with his eyes, looking hungrily at the items. There was a plate of scrambled eggs, a glass of milk, a bowl of orange jello, and oddly enough, a bowl of oatmeal. He looked questioningly at the nurse who was draping the blanket over Lauren's shoulders and back.

"It's for her when she wakes up. I thought she might not want to leave your side so I just asked for a bowl for her." The nurse simply said quietly.

Joey nodded his thanks as he picked up his fork and started to eat his eggs.

It was just after eight fourty-five when Lauren stirred; Joey had just finished eating the bowl of jello. Lauren lifted her head from her arms and looked up sleepily at her brother when she jumped in her chair.

"You're awake!" She said, wide-eyed.

"No, I'm totally still unconscious." He sarcastically told her.

She rolled her eyes. "You okay? Do you need me to get a nurse?"

"I'm fine." He rolled his eyes in return. "I already called a nurse. How do you think I have all of this food in front of me?"

Lauren huffed. "Fine. Whatcha eating?" She looked curiously at his nearly empty food tray.

Joey shrugged, more awake this time after eating. "Just eggs, jello, milk. There's a bowl of oatmeal for you if you want it. The nurse brought it even thought I don't like it." Lauren took the lukewarm bowl in her hands and started to eat the gooey contents. "The nurse said that she would bring in a sleeper chair or something later so that way you won't hurt your back when you're sleeping." She nodded as she continued to eat.

They sat there eating in silence as the sun continued to rise in the sky outside the window, thinking of what they were going to do today.

"Hey, Lauren?" Joey asked his sister timidly, averting his eyes. "Where's Blaine? Can I see him?"

Lauren set her empty bowl down on the tray and took her little brother's hand in both of hers. "Joey, there's something I need to tell you." Tears shining in her eyes while she was quickly deciding to tell him or not. "Blaine's… in the ICU. He's in a coma of sorts but he made it out of this surgery fine. His injuries are pretty bad and I haven't seen him yet so I don't know how bad he's going to look." She told him gently.

Joey looked away and started to cry. "It's all m-my fault, is-isn't it? It-it's my fault that he was nearly killed. A-Along with Mari and K-Kurt and him. It's all m-my fault!" Joey sobbed, throwing both of his arms over his face and turning away from Lauren.

Lauren got on the bed, and gently pried away his arms to reveal his tear stained face. "Joseph Andrew Anderson. You listen to me right now. You had absolutely nothing to do with this. Listen to me! You. Did. Nothing. Wrong." She firmly told him, her own tears running down her face. "It was Dad who did this, not you. Not Kurt, not Mairead, not even Blaine. Joey, it wasn't you, I promise."

Joey turned towards her slowly, sniffing. Lauren raised her eyebrows while looking him in the eyes. He nodded, still feeling ashamed. "Okay, Joey?" She asked softly while wiping her face on her sleeves. Joey nodded once more. Lauren hugged him tightly when she leaned in. Joey hugged her back, as tight as she was hugging him. "I'm going to go and see if we can see him right now. Maybe we can get you in a wheelchair or something, okay? I'll be right back." She got off the bed and wiped her eyes one last time before walking out.

Joey covered his face with his arms again, trying to calm down before she came back. She was right, it wasn't his fault. But then why did it feel like it? Joey tried to think of calming thoughts as his heartbeat and breathing settled back into a normal pattern. He uncovered his face and looked out the window to the speeding cars on the highway trying to think of anything.

It wasn't soon after when Lauren came back with the same brunette nurse who was wheeling in a wheelchair. "Feeling better after some food, Joey?" She said, smiling.

He smiled back. "Yeah, loads better. Thank you for bringing it."

"No problem. Now, I've called the ICU and informed them that you're coming up so you're cleared to go. You'll need to go in this so it'll be easier on all of our parts." She patted the back of the wheelchair.

It took a bit of time to get Joey into the chair considering that he didn't have full control of his casted leg quite yet. It took them a good fifteen minutes, a few tears, many encouragements, a fair bit of cursing, four IV bags hanging on the pole on the chair, three pillows, and a blanket to get Joey in the chair. The leg rest was brought up flat with the seat of the chair so the cast could rest comfortably with two pillows supporting his casted bent knee.

"Comfy?" The nurse asked. Joey nodded, glad that the ordeal was over; for now, anyway. "Off we go then."

As they were out the door, Joey saw a familiar man talking with a police officer. "Hi, Joey. Do you remember me? My name's Aaron, I was with you in the rig." Joey's face lit up as he did remember, recognizing his voice and light brown hair.

"Yeah. Thanks for rescuing me." He said gratefully towards the man.

Aaron smiled from ear to ear. "It's no problem at all, I mean it. Where are you all going off to?" He looked at the nurse and Lauren.

"ICU, we need an escort." The nurse told him.

"Escort?" Joey asked, confused.

"It's for protection, not that anyone would try to jump us in the hall or anything with all the police officers around." Aaron told him as the all started to walk, roll in Joey's case, towards the elevator. Joey nodded.

They made small talk as they continued their way towards the ICU. The nurse, whose name was Mikayla as Joey found out, Lauren, and Aaron flashed their badges at the police officers who were guarding the entrance to the ICU. The police officers smiled sadly at Joey as he rolled by them.

"I'll go in first, Joe. Just to make sure no one else is in the room when you come in, okay?" She asked him. Joey sighed, nodding. His sister walked through the doors and disappeared from sight for the moment. Aaron and Mikayla were talking about some TV show when Lauren came out with two girls. One of them was about Lauren's height with brown hair and bangs while the other was an African American.

"Hi, Joey. My name's Rachel Berry and this is Mercedes Jones." The girl with the bangs kneeled down to him.

"Um… hi." Joey quietly said, not quite trusting them.

"I just wanted you to know that we were with Blaine the whole night and nothing's changed." Rachel told him.

"How… how do you know Blaine?" He asked them, trusting them a tiny bit more.

"Rachel here had a party at her house a few weeks ago and Kurt invited him over. So all of us, the New Directions, know him." Mercedes told him.

"Okay." Joey replied, anxious to see his brother. "Thank you for staying with him. It means a lot to me."

The two girls nodded and walked past him.

Lauren smiled sadly at him. "Are you ready, Joey? You don't have to see him if you don't want to."

Joey nodded his head once, his eyes set on the closed doors behind his sister.

Mikayla rolled Joey into Blaine's room and Joey looked at his brother in horror. Lauren's face mirroring his.

Blaine was literal meaning of battered until near death. Like Joey, his leg was cast the same way under his blankets. His stomach had a huge bandage covering his bullet wound and surgery incision; his right wrist bound tightly with gauze and an IV sticking out of the top of his hand; his left wrist also had a cast, but a different one from his leg. A contraption was in Blaine's mouth and nose, with a machine attached to the tubes. His eyes were closed shut, bags of black and purple under them.

"Oh my God." Joey exclaimed under his breath. "Blaine."

Lauren crouched down in front of him, blocking his eyesight. "Listen, Joey. You don't have to go in if you don't wan-"

"I want to go in." Joey cut her off, a steely look in his eyes. Lauren sighed, nodding to Mikayla.

Lauren entered first, removing the chair from her older brother's left side to make room for Joey's wheelchair. Mikayla slowly backed up the wheel chair while walking backwards, looking over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't going to bump anything. Lauren got out of her way and handed the folded up chair to Aaron who was standing in the doorway. She sat down in the chair on the opposite side of Joey.

"I'll give you two some privacy." Mikayla excused herself, closing the sliding glass door behind her as she exited the room.

Both Lauren and Joey took each of Blaine's hands gingerly in their own hands. Not saying anything, they both cried silently.

"B-Blaine, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought you into this. Please wake up, please." Joey quietly said, sobbing.

"Blaine, it's me, your little sis. I came in from California to watch you at Regionals." Lauren spoke softly rubbing circles on his upper arm with her hand she had taken off of his hand. "You did awesome, you know that? That was an amazing performance with Kurt and the Warblers. I need you to wake up so you can keep singing and performing for all of us. Please, Blaine, Joey and I need you to come back to us." She sniffed.

Joey and Lauren sat there for a good half hour, talking to him before Lauren noticed that Joey was beginning to look pained and tired.

"Joey, I think it's best we get you back to your bed." Lauren said to him softly through her tears.

He shook his head, still looking at Blaine's hand. Lauren waved a hand at Aaron, who was watching them through the window respectfully. "I think that we should. I know you're in pain, Joe. Think about it." The door slid open and Aaron walked in. "You're not going to help Blaine if you're going to hurt yourself because you're not resting. Blaine needs the both of us when he wakes up." Lauren tried to talk sense into him.

"Let's go, Joey. I promise he's going to be alright." Aaron said quietly, walking behind his wheelchair.

Joey took one last long look at his brother's face before gently squeezing his hand and nodding at Aaron. The SWAT agent clicked the brakes off of the chair and rolled him out. Lauren kissed Blaine on the cheek before exiting the room.

Coming back to Joey's room, both he and Lauren groaned; thinking how long and painful it would be to get him in the bed.

Aaron looked back and forth from the bed and Joey as Mikayla walked in the room, wheeling a sleeper chair in front of her. "I have an idea. And it'll take less time than before." The three of them looked at him. "Mikayla, why don't you transfer his IV bags back to the stand right now. Lauren, get on the other side of the bed." He told them as he backed up the wheelchair next to the bed and the steel pole. "Joey, do you trust me?"

Joey looked incredulous. "Considering you saved my life, of course I trust you?" He said, confused.

Aaron nodded. "Good. Now, put your arm around my shoulders." Realization dawned on Joey's face as he did what Aaron asked. Lauren and the nurse looked at each other, still confused.

"I'm going to lift him off the chair and into the bed. It'll be quicker and hopefully less painful." He simply said, sliding his other arm under Joey's legs. "On three, you ready?" Joey nodded. "One, two, three!" Aaron lifted him up and Joey grunted in pain. Lauren helped him set her brother down gently on the bed as Mikayla made sure his IV lines weren't going to come undone. "Nice job, Joey. You did good." Aaron voiced his approval.

Joey nodded; his eyes closed in pain as Mikayla lifted up his casted leg and placed several pillows underneath to prop it up.

"You okay there, Joey?" Lauren asked concernedly.

"Just tired, and hurting." He said tiredly, not opening his eyes.

Mikayla looked at the exhausted boy sympathetically. "Why don't you go to sleep, and I'll get you some painkillers." She suggested. Joey nodded slowly, already on the way to sleeping. Mikayla smiled at Lauren, who looked just as tired. "You too, Lauren. Get some sleep, I brought a pillow and blanket for you." She pointed quietly at the chair. Lauren smiled gratefully at her. A few minutes later, all three Anderson siblings were unconscious.


Thursday, three in the afternoon

Kurt woke up slowly to people talking around him. He opened his eyes to Dr. Piker talking to Burt and Carole.

"B-laine?" He croaked, his throat still sore. The oxygen mask was still on his face along with his feeding tube.

Everyone jumped, not expecting him to wake up for awhile. "Hey, kiddo." Burt said, smoothing back the hair from Kurt's forehead. "I'm here. You're okay."

Kurt slowly nodded his eyes once, breathing in deeply the oxygen from the mask through his mouth. "B-laine?" He quietly rasped again.

"What's that, sweetie?" Carole asked, getting closer to him.

"B-laine!" He croaked as loud as he could.

"Blaine's fine, kiddo." Burt said simply.

"Hi, Kurt. It's Dr. Piker. I'm just going to check a few things and then we're going to move you up to a general room. Okay?" Kurt turned his head and stared at the doctor.

"Y-ou… sai-d…" Kurt tried to talk without coughing.

"Deep breaths, I know it hurts right now." The doctor murmured to him. Kurt continued staring at her as he breathed in deeply though his mouth. She sighed. "After I check everything, I will keep my promise." Kurt nodded slowly.

Burt and Carole looked at the doctor. "What exactly did you promise my son, Dr. Piker?" Burt said carefully.

"I said that before I moved him to a general room, that he would be able to see his boyfriend before moving." She said distractedly, writing down numbers from a monitor.

"Are you sure that's wise? I mean, Kurt could get even more stressed than he already is." Carole asked.

Kurt rolled his eyes before turning his head towards his step-mom. "Ca-role. I'm… fi-ne. I ne-ed to… se-e B-laine." He breathed out through the oxygen mask.

Carole looked skeptical as the doctor called in a few nurses to help her with the monitors and his IV bags.

"Okay, Kurt, I'm going to roll you into Blaine's room but only for a few minutes. We need to get you up to radiology to x-ray everything before you go up to your new room. Okay?" Dr. Piker told him gently. Kurt nodded slowly, his eyelids blinking once slowly. The doctor nodded to her nurses and started to roll him out his room and into the room next door.

Kurt slowly saw his boyfriend come into view as he was wheeled next to him. One of the nurses lowered the railings on both beds before leaving the room. All of the nurses, Dr. Piker, Burt, and Carole stood outside the glass doors, staring at Kurt and Blaine.

Kurt reached his left hand across his bed and into Blaine's to grasp his hand. Blaine laid there, not responding to the touch. With his other hand, Kurt slid the oxygen mask off his face and down to his neck. He squeezed his boyfriend's hand gently and started to brokenly sing the song that he had sung to his father a few months back.

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand

Kurt took a deep breath before continuing.

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
I'll let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide

Blaine's eyelids started fluttering, but Kurt didn't quite catch the movement; he was concentrating on his breathing and their joined hands.

Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand

Kurt closed his eyes, but continued to sing as Blaine slowly regained consciousness.

And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide

Kurt felt a pressure squeezing his hand. His eyes snapped open and he slowly turned his head towards Blaine. Kurt kept singing raspily.

Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll feel that something
I wanna hold your hand

Blaine opened his eyes and slowly turned towards Kurt, still squeezing his hand. Kurt smiled and tears pooled in his eyes. "I lo-ve you, B-laine. I l-ove y-ou so mu-ch. I'm ri-ght here." Blaine's eyes softened before the drooped back down and he fell back asleep.


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