They've been on the road for almost two hours; the sun is already shining up in the sky and heating the car.

Since Kurt drove to Rachel's party it was Blaine's turn to drive. Kurt is spread on the seat beside him and humming to the quiet music coming out of the radio.

"I'm bored," Kurt stated, stretching his seat.

Blaine took a quick glance at him and then at the GPS. "We are half an hour away from our target," Blaine said officially and smiled at him.

Kurt started playing with the seat functions and then with the radio buttons.

"Just leave it," Blaine stops him from changing the radio channels. "Relax. Go to sleep or something."

"Not sleepy. I'm just bored," He whined and pouted.

"You turned eight and no one filled me in." Blaine sighed, not looking away from the road.

"And I'm hungry," Kurt continued.

"Five it is." Blaine looked at Kurt and laughed at his pout. "Do you want me to stop at the next gas station?"

Kurt considered it for a moment and shook his head.

They sat in silence for a moment until there was a familiar song on the radio and Blaine started singing with it. Kurt just looked at him and smiled.

"What?" Blaine felt a bit self-conscious after the song ended but Kurt's attention stayed on him.

"Hmm. Just thinking," Kurt said dreamily.

"About?" Blaine glanced back at him, taking Kurt's hand in his.

Kurt smiled at their entwined hands and stroked the back of Blaine's hand. "You look quite tasty yourself."

"Well. Thanks?" Blaine said, giving him a confused look.

Kurt leaned over to him and started kissing his neck. Blaine was stretched fully in his seat now.

After a while Kurt released Blaine's hand and started drawing patterns on his upper thigh.

"I really need you to stop if you want us to get home. Safely I mean," Blaine said breathily.
He knew Kurt have heard him since he felt him grinning wildly against his collar bone, but he continued none the less to explore the exposed areas of Blaine's neck and draw his hand dangerously higher.

When Kurt's hand got to the front of his jeans, Blaine was gasping for air.

"Need me to stop?" Kurt looked at him experimentally but didn't move his hand.

To Blaine's relief they reached a traffic light at that moment. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and nodded slowly. He regretted it the moment he felt cold air on his skin when Kurt sat back in his seat, looking a little uncomfortable himself.

"Gosh. You're impossible without your morning coffee," Blaine said teasingly when his breath got even again. Kurt smiled back at him.

Nothing could prepare Blaine for his panic attack. Waking up once again to an empty bed made all the memories from the last time come rushing back to him.

He found himself sitting on the floor beside his bed gasping for air when he cried Kurt's name all over the small apartment but there was no answer.

Deep down he knew there could have been a million reasons why Kurt wasn't in his bed, but the only thing he could see in front of his eyes was the hospital bed- and Kurt lying still in it, attached to a million different machines, which Blaine remembered their tone and pace by heart.

He could not remember what happened or how much timed passed until he found the small yellow note on the kitchen table. He immediately recognized Kurt's hand writing and he started reading it, but only on his third try he really comprehend the words that were written on it.

Blaine,

I can't do this anymore.

I'm going home

Blaine stared at the piece of paper for a long time and then he dialed the phone. After a moment Burt answered.

"Blaine! Hi. He's alright," Burt said reassuringly and Blaine let go of a breath he hadn't noticed he was holding.

"Thank god," Blaine whispered. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah. He came home quite shook up. He told me he needed to be in a place he recognized for a while. I assured him he's always welcome here."

"I messed up," Blaine interrupted him.

"No. It's not your fault. We're in a situation none of us know how to deal with. Let him rest here for a while."'

"Can I…" Blaine said and couldn't finish the question. Suddenly every word he said felt heavy on him.

"He'll call you when he is ready. I'm rooting for you – you know that. But my baby is lost right now, and I need him to get back on his feet. Otherwise he will just keep crashing, and I can't see him like this."

"Okay." Blaine wasn't sure he would be able to say much more without bursting in tears.

"I'll tell him you called. Take care of yourself," Burt said in his fatherly voice and Blaine once again envied Kurt a little for having such a loving and caring dad.

"It's on!" James said through the phone, his voice breaking the silence that's been in the apartment for the last three days.

"What is?" Blaine asked weakly, still lying in bed although it was Saturday afternoon.

"The party. Tonight at my place."

"Oh."

"And please tell me that Kurt still knows how to make Borella cream."

"Kurt's in Ohio."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Blaine said drily turning to the other side of the bed.

"Do you want to talk?" James started, but Blaine cut him off.

"No."

"I'm sorry. " There was silent for a long moment. "My place. 10 O'clock."

"I don't think I'm going to come," Blaine said after a second.

"Blaine Devon Anderson. You made me go through with this party – you're going to be attending it. That's the end of it," James said commandingly.

Blaine laughed under his breath. "Okay. Okay. You are right. I'll be there, but I'm leaving early."

"Whatever," James said teasingly adding a "See you" before hanging up the phone.

"Are you going to tell me what happened yet?"

Burt stood by Kurt's bedroom door.

Kurt was sitting by his childhood study table, looking at photo albums from the years he'd been missing. He turned around and nodded his head slowly. Burt went inside and set beside him on the bed.

"You can tell me anything. "

"I know dad, it just that... I don't think that I understand it myself."

They sat there quietly for a moment before Kurt began.

"He loves me," Kurt started.

"He really does," Burt said, remembering the long nights when Blaine refused to leave Kurt's side.

"But when he told me so suddenly it felt right."

Burt smiled at him and nodded.

"But also… Really wrong," Kurt added. "He loves this new, amazing Kurt. Not me."

"It's still you. Nothing has changed."

"Everything has changed! I woke up in a relationship with a person I don't know, in an apartment in New York. I fulfilled all my dreams but I don't remember any of it," Kurt said miserably. He looked weak and defeated.

"Everything will make sense in time. Just give it a chance. Don't give up. You never did," Burt said, grabbing him into a warm hug.

"I need a time out right now. Let's leave the fighting for tomorrow," Kurt mumbled into his shoulder and hugged him tightly back.

"Sure."

The party wasn't as bad as Blaine thought it would be. He was happy to see James getting back on his feet and catching up with close friends he hasn't seen in a while.

But he also suspected that everything was much more tolerable since he was drinking his way to blissful ignorance. That way all his feelings were replaced with a warm buzz that went through his body.

While on his fourth drink James grabbed him by the hand and sat them down on the couch.

"So, tell me what happened," James started, looking light headed but not as drunk as Blaine felt.

"He left. Went back home." Blaine demonstrated with a large motion of his hands, spilling some of his drink. "But! This is your party, and we are here to have fun." He raised his glass. "To you!" he said and quickly drank all its content.

"Whoa." James took the glass from Blaine's hand. "That's enough for you for tonight." He sat the glass at a nearby table.

Burt and Carole were sitting on the couch watching a movie on TV when they heard some noises coming out of the closet room.

"Kurt? What are you doing honey? "Carole approached Kurt slowly.

Kurt was on top of a chair, searching for something between old boxes that were on the top shelf. When he heard Carole he turned around quickly and hit his head on the lamp.

"Ouch!" He rubbed his forehead. "I'm looking for an old diary I used to keep."

"I haven't seen it here." Carole looked confused.

"I must have put it somewhere around the house." Kurt got off the chair

"You should try looking for it in the attic."

"Right! It must be there," Kurt said excitedly and started heading there.

"But honey the light there is poor. You should wait till morning," she added softly.

"Oh." Kurt looked disappointed. "Yeah sure," he said and went back to his room.

It was late night and the party was getting steadily to its end. The last people there were already heading to the door, Blaine staying to help finish with the cleanup.

When they finished organizing the apartment they fell heavily on the couch, Blaine's head still dazed with the alcohol running through his blood. The music from the stereo was a little bit too loud for the headache he was starting to get, but neither of them got up to shut it off.

"How are you? With the break up and all," Blaine asked, petting James' leg.

"Actually… " James looked at something on the floor. "Surprisingly well. "

"I'm really glad." Blaine smiled at him weakly, raised his hand and grabbed him into a hug.

James broke the hug first. He broke the body connection but stayed close to Blaine's face, looking at him. "I'm really glad you came," he said just loud enough to be heard over the music around them.

Blaine looked back at him with a warm smile.

A moment later, James' lips were on Blaine's. He kissed him lightly at first, only touching his lips, and after a moment he pulled him into a passionate kiss, his hands entwining on the back of Blaine's neck.

Blaine lifted his hands to James back, scratching down through the fabric of his shirt. His hands got lower to his hips and he pulled James on top of him. James pulled back, taking a breath and getting back to kissing Blaine's neck.

Blaine pushed his head back to the sofa and breathed heavily under him, starting to move his hips slowly to meet James'.

"Blaine," James whispered breathily into his ear.

At that moment Blaine froze completely. James noticed the change and stopped his movement also, settling his head against Blaine's and whispered heavily, "You should go."

James got up from where he was straddled over him and turned to take a drink by the bar.

Blaine walked quickly, allowing himself to take a breath only when he stood outside of the door.

Kurt couldn't sleep since he couldn't stop thinking about his diary. Suddenly the thought that it might be holding some answers about his past thrilled him.

Kurt wouldn't admit it loudly but he really needed to know more about the person Blaine met when he fell in love with him.

After two hours of turning around in his bed, Kurt decided to go search the attic.
With his phone being his only light source, he climbs up to the attic and starts to search.

Much to his surprise he finds there more than he could ask for. Old photo albums, diaries he wrote and letters he kept from high school.

Kurt hadn't noticed how much time went by, but it felt like a year. In a couple of hours he had cried, laughed, but mostly envied the guy that got to experience all those people and places he only got to see a glance of. Hours later he fell asleep sitting on the floor, a diary still in his hand.

He wasn't sure if the muffled voice calling his name woke him up, or if it was the sun beam that was directed straight to his face. It took him a whole minute to remember where he was and why he was there. Trying to get up on his feet he leaned his weight over the shelf above him, causing it to collapse. He lost his balanced and fell, hitting his head on the way down.

He heard a loud noise echoing through the house, a second before everything got quiet.