“Are you trying to wear a hole in the floor?” Kurt lounges casually on the dinky full sized bed, flipping through a Psychology Today magazine.
He rubs the heels of his feet against the wood, smiling when the floor squeaks. “I’ve never been anywhere where the floor sounds like this.”

“Really?” Kurt looks up, shifting those beautiful blue eyes to Blaine’s feet. “Both of our houses in Lima had multiple weak spots. Finn always got caught sneaking out because he miscounted how to avoid them every time.”

A light, memorable laugh erupts from Kurt’s throat. Blaine repeatedly walks over the noisy spot several more times. Maybe if he does it enough, this sound will echo in his mind like Lucille’s heartbeat did. For thirty minutes he had heard nothing except the horse. A resonating calm had filled his entire body. He wants to feel like that again, because it was almost like someone had finally given him another shot.

It’s the hardest thing about freedom. Sometimes Blaine wants a fix more than anything. Whenever the urge starts to take over, nothing can stop it. Kurt isn’t enough to deter his insatiable cravings. Desire and temptation don’t hinder him as much as they used to. Dr. Wong says it’s because his body is starting to cleanse itself naturally now that he’s eating a more nutritious diet, gets exercise, and isn’t suffering from Vitamin D deficiency anymore. Dr. Fox tells him that his mind is just playing tricks.

The ranch feels homey and comfortable, just like Kurt’s old house in Ohio had. Blaine imagines growing up here with Warren, Sally, and the triplets. It’s a childhood far different from than the one he had. Love and acceptance blossom here. There are no cold, distant mothers or siblings that ignore you. Fathers don’t sell their youngest child to a monster because they have a nasty gambling habit. Blaine gives up on the floor when his father’s face starts to invade his mind.

It’s been a lovely day. Blaine leans down and places a light, delicate kiss on Kurt’s nose. The act is small and simple. Kurt runs his long fingers through Blaine’s hair. It feels nice. A part of him wishes he could do more than lightly kiss the man he loves, but he just can’t. Dr. Fox’s no sex for the first six months rule isn’t enough to faze him. Blaine trusts her and knows she wouldn’t actually hurt him for sleeping with Kurt. The STD’s are being treated. Chlamydia and Gonorrhea can be cured, and Dr. Wong has said that his body will fully heal, it will just take time. Blaine doesn’t know where he got them from. The girls could be responsible, but so could Evan, or even Frost. He can’t sleep with Kurt because he’ll taint him. Evan’s heavy, silver belt buckle has left scars scattered across his back. Bruises still mar Blaine’s skin. The doctors don’t even know if they will heal. One of the sore, tender spots on his back is called a hematoma. The skin might be permanently damaged. Kurt winces every time he sees it, so Blaine makes sure he always wears a t-shirt.

Kurt returns the kiss with a sweet, brief kiss on Blaine’s upper lip. The organic lip balm smells like peppermint. Kurt is shirtless. Blaine wants to touch him. Kurt is beautiful and perfect. They are together, the stars are shining brightly outside, and love lurks quietly in their hearts. Blaine needs to kiss Kurt more than anything. He wonders about the friction between Kurt and his father, why Burt had looked at Blaine as though he wasn’t good enough for his son. Maybe he isn’t. All he knows is that Kurt saved him. Every day, Kurt saves Blaine from giving into temptation and finding a random drug dealer on the street so he can trip on Acid. The street version wouldn’t be as strong as the liquid LSD he had been injected with for years, but it would certainly do.

The house creaks around them. Blaine leans forward, pressing his lips against Kurt’s. It feels nice. Kurt’s eyes open wide in surprise. It takes a little more force until he responds, opening his mouth to let Blaine’s tongue inside. Kurt cups Blaine’s face tenderly. “Blaine. You kissed me.”

“I wanted to.” He blushes, kissing Kurt between breathless words. “Will you kiss me again?”

His request is cut short as Kurt complies eagerly. They kiss for several minutes, though Kurt’s hands remain on his face. It’s okay like this. Kurt isn’t expecting anything more. Blaine can ask him to stop kissing if he wants. Evan can’t force sweet, tender kisses on him anymore. Rough hands grip his shoulders, pressing Blaine into the wall. The dull gray colors blind him and a tongue slides lovingly along his shoulders.

“I’ll make you feel good.” Evan whispers. “Come on, I’ll take you for a walk around the house.”

Blaine moans and sighs gratefully. Fresh air sounds wonderful. It’s been so long since he’s seen the sun. He wants to bask under its rays for a while. Maybe Evan will let him stay outside for a few hours. They live in a sprawling mansion somewhere along the Del Mar Coast. It’s a beach front property, so there are probably no neighbors for miles, and if they are they like privacy just like Evan does. Blaine barely remembers what the rest of the house looks like. When he had first arrived, he’d been nearly out of his mind and shaking from withdrawal.

The sun is hovering closely to the horizon, blazing red and hot in the eastern sky. It’s early. Blaine stares at the magnificent sunrise as he obediently follows Evan through the mansion. It’s the first time he’s been allowed to walk around since they moved west. Blaine stares numbly at the polished marble floors, the fine art hanging from the walls, the vases, the photographs, and various memorabilia from all of Evan’s films. It’s huge and it feels lonely.

It hurts to walk up so many stairs. Blaine’s thighs are burning as Evan finally pulls him outside into the light. It’s warm, complimented by a cool breeze. A pool sprawls across a large cemented area. Expensive, tasteful lawn chairs are neatly placed around the water. Thick trees hide the scenery beyond the high privacy fence. Blaine is lead down to a chair near the double doors.

“I think you should stay outside for a while.” Evan snaps a tight rubber band around Blaine’s left arm. “I’m going to give you a shot, Blaine.”

He doesn’t want a shot right now, he wants to enjoy being out of his room. Evan expertly slides it under his skin. The drug hits his bloodstream instantly and Blaine falls back onto the chair, moaning in pleasure. Soft kisses trail down his neck. Evan moves Blaine further down on the cushion and works his pants off.

“It’s quiet here.” Evan begins, stroking him lightly. “It’s not busy like Miami. I think you can come outside more, and I won’t have to worry about those stupid nosy neighbors anymore. I’ve been hired for a television series. Mother is against it, but my manager says it can be really good for my career. I like the premise. It’s about this group of friends in the city that get involved with thieves. Like a modern day Robin Hood.”

Evan runs his hands over Blaine’s scars. The bruise on his back burns, and he cries out in pain as one digs into his skin. Evan straddles his hips. “Blaine.”
Blaine groans at the sensation, feeling dizzy and light headed. “It’s hot.”
“I know it is.” Evan laughs. “Maybe I’ll bring you some take out later on. My, you’ve been good lately. I think the move has done wonders for our relationship.”

The sex is little more than a blur. Blaine can’t concentrate, and knows it’s more than the shot. His back brushes against the cushions. The bruises there burn. It hurts so much he cries. Evan notices Blaine’s distress once he’s finished. “I’m sorry your back hurts, Blaine. It should be a reminder. You won’t do it again, will you? Get attached to someone like that. It’s stupid, anyways. Debbie doesn’t even know you exist.”

Yes, she does. Blaine bites his lip and stays silent, knowing if he says anything it will only end in more pain. He can’t handle anything more at the moment. Evan gets up and leaves him lying helplessly on the chair. Not even the drugs can help him ignore this. The sun blazes overhead and he twitches, wishing he’d just pass out. Birds squawk overhead.

“Blaine.” Kurt’s voice breaks through the pain, and strong arms rock Blaine. “Come back, please come back.”
“Kurt.” He breathes harshly, unsure if he is real. “Dream?”
“No.” Kurt cradles him, tears running down his face. “You had a flashback."

“Right.” Blaine feels stupid, being unable to tell the difference on his own. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to kiss you. I’m sorry.”
“Shh, it’s okay. You’re back now.” Kurt mumbles, unwilling to release him just yet. “You’re back.”

The memories are the worst part about being clean. They creep up on Blaine unexpectedly, and the slightest thing can trigger flashbacks. Kurt is always beside himself whenever he helplessly falls into them. Blaine feels incredibly guilty that he can’t control them and more so that he needs Kurt to be here when he comes back to reality. Dr. Fox says he has PTSD. Every time he experiences a flashback, he is scheduled for an additional counseling appointment and expected to share whatever it is he’s remembered. It’s exhausting.

A light, persistent knock disturbs their comfort. Blaine doesn’t want Kurt to let him go. Kurt senses his hesitation, keeping his arms wrapped around Blaine’s torso. “It’s Dr. Fox. I called her cellphone when you started complaining that your back hurt. I didn’t realize you were having an episode until you asked me if you could go back inside. Come in, Dr. Fox!”

Blaine doesn’t look at her as she steps into their room. Her feet are covered in slippers, though he has no idea where she got them from. “How are you feeling, Blaine?”

“Tired.” He admits, leaning away from her touch. “It’s been a long day.”
Dr. Fox eyes him critically, but for once she doesn’t push him to share his feelings. “I think we can talk about this tomorrow morning, when we’re back in the clinic. Kurt?”

“Yes, Dr. Fox?” Kurt rubs his hand soothingly over Blaine’s back.
“Could I speak to you outside for a moment?” She’s worried about something. He can tell, but can’t quite bring himself to care. “Alone?”
“Sure.” Kurt releases him and looks at the waiting doctor. “Will you be alright?”

He nods, lies down in the comfortable bed and watches the pair retreat from the room. It’s easier to lie. Blaine reaches for the white, multi-faceted pill box sitting on the desk. The anxiety pills are small and white. It helps him relax. He doesn’t need them all of the time, but sometimes it’s easier to relax artificially than be miserable and sleepless all night.

The voices outside his door are too low for him to hear, but he can tell from their tone that something is wrong. Dr. Fox is probably upset he disturbed her sleep. Blaine will be sure to apologize in the morning. Maybe she won’t be too angry at him if he agrees to some group therapy. He hates the group meetings. The other adults at the clinic always stare at him; sometimes they will yell if he doesn’t respond to their stories or questions. Dr. Fox stopped making him attend the group sessions after Wilma threw a book at his head for not participating.

Wilma’s infamous temper had triggered a flashback, one involving the girls. Blaine shudders whenever he thinks about his very first hallucination at the clinic. Wilma eventually apologized, but he still won’t go anywhere near her. She’s a washed out actress with a notorious mean streak. The clinic sounds comforting, and he can’t wait to get back. It’s familiar. Even Wilma’s foul mouth and short temper sound better than horrible, vivid memories.

The door creaks open after he starts to feel the Lorazepam kick in. Kurt slips stealthily under the covers. Warm arms hug Blaine’s chest and soft hands rub at the massive, ugly bruise on his back. The sensation is familiar. Kurt has done this every night since they had come to Oregon. Phantom pain will grip Blaine’s lower back muscles if he gets stressed or the weather takes a turn for the worse. It’s a symptom of his hematoma. Kurt soothes them with tender hands, rubs peppermint balm into Blaine’s skin, and sometimes he even sings if he’s in the mood for it.

“Blaine.” Kurt whispers, continuing the slow and sympathetic back massage. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” He returns sleepily, enjoying Kurt’s affection. “I’m the one that messed up our—night out.”
“No.” Kurt pauses his massage. “Please, don’t say—don’t think like that. You haven’t done anything wrong, Blaine.”
It sounds genuine, but he can’t be certain. “Is Dr. Fox mad at me for waking her up?”
“She was already awake.” Kurt presses his face against Blaine’s cheek. “I’m. I’m sorry that monster used a belt on your back, and hit you so hard that blood vessels burst under your fucking skin. That’s what I’m sorry about.”

Evan is the last person he wants to think about right now. Blaine hums his agreement softly. Kurt drops the subject, as he always does. He isn’t Dr. Fox. Blaine loves him fiercely for not pushing this topic onto his shoulders. It’s hard enough telling his therapist about the past eight years, much less Kurt. He’s happy that Kurt sits outside of Dr. Fox’s office for two hours every day. The first six weeks of therapy had been so hard, because he made Kurt cry every time they stepped inside that stupid office.

Kurt knows just about everything that went on during those eight long years Blaine had been gone. He needed to know what happened, why they had been apart for so many years. They were finally together again. He should be able to kiss the man he loves without triggering some memory of a man he hates.

“I just wanted to kiss you.” Blaine confesses dazedly. “I don’t want to feel him anymore, Kurt. I just want to you kiss me. Please.”

Warm lips hesitate over his parted mouth and finally relent. Blaine leans greedily into Kurt’s kiss, smiling as he slumps back onto the pillow. It’s quiet. This time, he doesn’t feel Evan’s mouth on his shoulders. All he can see and feel is Kurt. A deep, peaceful sleep claims his tired mind before he can feel anything else.