He had arrived the day before, and everyone had been there to pick him up from the airport, his father, Carole and Finn. He had hugged all of them for what felt like a good ten minutes, Finn almost breaking several of his ribs as he pulled him into a bone-crushing bear hug.

It looked like Christmas everywhere – the soft lights reflected by the snow during their long drive home, the tree in the living room, the decorations Carole had put up a few days before. And it smelled like Christmas too, like baked apples and cookies and tea.

Waking up the next morning, Kurt felt happy. He was home. After that last morning in New York, he wanted nothing more than to just be here and forget, catch up with Finn, maybe call Mercedes to see if she was back in Lima already, talk with his dad and help Carole with dinner. No responsibilities, no thinking. He was looking forward to a few days of no school work, no stress, but that didn't mean he couldn't keep busy doing the things he loved about being home.

He had sent Blaine a quick text after landing (Back in Ohio, flight was okay. Talk to you soon.), and Blaine had texted back only a few minutes later (Have a good time. :) I'll call as soon as I'm home.). Blaine was flying home today, so he should be hearing from him soon. Honestly, though, he wasn't sure how much he wanted to talk to him.

Rolling over onto his back, he stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of his emotions. Last night, he had successfully managed to banish all thoughts of Blaine from his mind, had just allowed himself to be carefree and unburdened for hours before he went to bed. He had fallen asleep quickly, and as far as he remembered, his sleep had been dreamless. But now, with the gentle rays of winter sun shining through the cracks in the curtains and feeling perfectly rested and awake, he couldn't stop thinking about... everything.

The way Blaine had looked at him. The way it had felt to wake up curled around him, so warm and peaceful – he still didn't know what it meant. There was no way of denying that he had feelings for Blaine. The trouble was determining the nature of those feelings. And he had to, before he did anything else. Before he spoke to him again. This was something that needed to be considered carefully. Blaine simply meant too much to him to risk everything they had because of one night, however right it had felt at the time. He'd been... well, not drunk, but certainly tipsy, and Blaine had been upset. Those were factors that just couldn't be overlooked.

No. Heaving a sigh, he sat up, throwing off the covers and swinging his legs over the edge of the mattress. He knew he couldn't ignore the issue forever, but right now, what he needed was breakfast. Besides, it was difficult to decide what all of this really was without knowing Blaine's thoughts on the matter. The only difficulty was that finding out about them would involve speaking to him and he wasn't ready for that yet. Why did this have to be so complicated? He missed Blaine already. Blaine who had said he wanted to meet up in Ohio over the holidays, Blaine who had kissed him goodbye before he left...

But drawing simple conclusions would just get both of them hurt. He couldn't be sure how Blaine really felt.

Kurt got up, dressing quickly before he went downstairs where he heard the sounds of someone making breakfast in the kitchen, the radio playing soft Christmas music in the background.

“Morning, honey,” Carole greeted him, turning her head to smile at him as she heard him enter.

“Morning,” he answered, smiling back. “Need any help with that?” He gestured toward the pancake ingredients on the counter, ready to start distracting himself with whatever was offered to him.

“Sure,” Carole said, moving over so he could stand next to her.

Within minutes, they were discussing Christmas dinner and healthy food options for Burt. It was definitely good to be home.

**

“Anything wrong?”

Kurt looked up, seeing his father looking at him, his attention no longer on the TV. “No, I'm fine,” he lied. His thoughts had been drifting as he'd found it more and more difficult over the course of the day to not think about Blaine.

“You just seem awfully down today,” Burt insisted. “What's going on? I can tell there's something on your mind.”

Kurt sighed, leaning against the armrest of the living room couch. Of course his dad would notice. There was no way of deceiving him. “It's... Blaine,” he said.

“Your friend? What about him? You two had a fight or something?”

“No, no fight.” Kurt shook his head slowly, trying to come up with a way to tell his dad about what had happened without actually supplying him with all of the details he wasn't comfortable sharing. “It's complicated,” he finally explained. “We're... I don't even know really. Something has happened and it's confusing me a lot and I don't know what he's thinking and... well. Like I said. It's complicated.”

Burt readjusted his baseball cap, scratching his neck thoughtfully. “Something happened, huh? Wanna talk about it?”

Kurt shrugged, not sure what to say. His dad had met Blaine once – last summer break. Kurt and Blaine always met up when they were both in Ohio, but since it was quite a drive between their home towns, they usually found some place in the middle to get together and have a cup of coffee. Until Kurt had caught a mild summer flu this year and couldn't leave his bed for days. He had called Blaine to whine about his headache and the fact that he was missing Mercedes' party and that he was so bored whenever he felt good enough to be able to feel boredom. It had taken no more than a few hours for Blaine to show up on his doorstep with a year's supply of herbal tea and chicken soup.

They had spend the entire rest of the day watching musicals on the TV in Kurt's bedroom and Blaine had ended up spending the night on the very couch Kurt was sitting on with his dad right now. He remembered that day fondly, remembered the way Blaine had instantly charmed not only Carole but his dad as well, the way he had just fit in without even trying. He had never known anyone like him. None of his feelings made much sense to him right now, but this he knew with absolute certainty – Blaine was one of the best things in his life and he didn't want to lose him.

“We may have done something stupid and now I don't know what it means. For us,” he offered. “And it's getting me down because he's my best friend and... I just don't know what to do.”

“How stupid are we talking here?” Burt asked, not pressing for more details, just trying to understand. “And what do you want to do?”

Kurt thought about it for a second before answering. “Very stupid, I'm afraid. The friendship-ruining kind of stupid, if you know what I mean.” He hoped this was enough information while still being vague enough for a father-son conversation. “But that's the thing... I'm not sure. And I haven't talked to him since... it happened and... He's my best friend, dad.”

Burt cleared his throat, nodding once. “Okay, listen. You don't have to tell me what happened between the two of you, if you don't want to. But maybe you should talk to him? Seems to me you won't solve this by just sitting here and beating yourself up about it.”

“No, you're right,” Kurt agreed, even though he was quite positive he wouldn't even know how to start. “But he's flying home today – he said he'd call me once he's there. I'll talk to him, I will, I just... I hate this.”

“I know you do.” Burt patted his shoulder, squeezing for just a moment. “I can see that. And I can't really give you any advice without knowing what's going on, but I'm here whenever you want to talk, okay?”

Kurt smiled at his dad gratefully. “Yes, I know. Thanks, dad.”

They went back to watching TV, Kurt glancing at his watch every few minutes. He knew Blaine's flight landed sometime after 4 p.m., and then he had to get home from the airport, spend some time with his family – he probably wouldn't call before later that night. It wasn't even lunchtime now. Snuggling deeper into the couch cushions, Kurt soon lost track of what was happening on screen, thinking about everything he wanted to tell Blaine instead.

**

Kurt managed to find distraction eventually – he drove into town with Finn, meeting up with Puck and Mike whom he hadn't seen in much too long. He hung around long enough to remember why he'd always preferred hanging out with the girls – he was having fun, really, but especially Puck's misguided attempts at humor made him squirm more than once – before promising Finn to pick him up later and driving on to Mercedes' place instead after giving her a quick call to make sure she was home.

Spending time with Mercedes, he was able to completely forget about feeling down for a little while. They hadn't talked face to face for so long, and phone calls simply weren't the same. Mercedes was always planning to visit him in New York one day, but so far, something had always come up last minute to cancel their plans. They ended up talking for hours now – she asked him about Blaine right at the beginning, having heard the name in so many conversations, but went with it when he quickly changed the topic. Knowing he had to think about it was one thing – he wasn't ready to share those thoughts yet.

He was home just in time for dinner, not a step closer to a solution for the problem that was constantly simmering in the back corners of his mind, but happy that he had been able to focus on other things for a good portion of the day. And it was still not too late in the evening – he thought that now that he had cleared his mind, he'd be able to shut himself in his room after dinner and think this through in depth. Maybe it was good to not dwell on it for a while, get some emotional distance – it had just happened, after all – but the worries just kept creeping up on him again and again whenever he didn't force himself to focus on other things. It was important to make sure that he wasn't just still caught up in the feelings of two nights ago. He owed Blaine that much at least. A clear-headed assessment of the situation – this mess they were in.

However, sitting in his room by 7:30 p.m. without anything to do but finally allow himself to remember everything and analyze this war raging in his mind, his heart, his soul, it was still impossible to untangle his thoughts and get a clear perspective. All he felt was completely freaked out and overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

Lying on his back thinking about Blaine, his wonderful, sweet friend Blaine, he simply wasn't able to concentrate. He wished that night hadn't happened, but there was no way of taking it back now.

There was just one simple truth – he needed Blaine in his life. He needed Blaine to be there always, to be there to talk to, to spend lazy Saturdays with, to talk to about everything and nothing. Losing him was something he couldn't even imagine. He had known that before, though. He had known that – possibly right from the start.

Before that night, had Blaine ever given him any indication to believe that he saw him as more than just a friend? Sure, they had always been close. They hugged and shared a blanket when they sat on the couch together and were each other's first phone call whenever something bad or exciting happened. He had thought that was all there was. Had he been wrong?

Before Kurt had time to come up with an answer to that question, his phone started ringing.

Hands shaking and his head suddenly swimming, he reached for it, answering quickly before he could chicken out and let it go to voice mail. He couldn't do that to Blaine. God, he just wished he hadn't spent all day trying to forget and come up with a way to resolve this instead.

“Hello.”

“Hi,” Blaine greeted him, sounding just as uncertain as Kurt felt.

“So how was your flight?” Kurt asked, trying to lighten the mood a little. No need for them to jump right into it.

“It was okay,” Blaine said. “But I'm glad to be home, actually. It's funny, but I miss my old room sometimes. No roommate, you know?”

“Oh, yes, definitely.” Kurt laughed nervously. “I know what you mean.”

Silence stretched between them, uncomfortable and too long and Kurt was just about to actually start talking about the damn weather when Blaine finally spoke again.

“Listen... What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Um.” Kurt quickly tried to come up with something, anything, knowing where this question was going. Giving up as it became obvious that he wasn't going to be able to make up some kind of excuse, he clutched the phone a little tighter, willing his heart to stop beating so fast. “Nothing. Why?”

“Well, you said...” Blaine broke off. “It's just that I don't have any plans either and I thought maybe we could... Do you maybe want to meet somewhere? For coffee?”

Kurt let out a breath, hoping his voice wouldn't give him away. “Sure. Yes. We can do that. I think that's probably a good idea.”

“Okay.” Blaine sounded relieved and it cut right into Kurt's soul. He hadn't been sure Kurt wanted to see him. Oh god, what had he done? Blaine should never feel insecure about this. It was Kurt who had messed it all up.

“The usual place?” Kurt asked. “Around three?”

“Sounds good,” Blaine answered. “So, I'll see you then?”

“Yes, see you then,” Kurt confirmed, waiting for Blaine to say something else, to bring up that night, because suddenly talking about it on the phone sounded a whole lot better than doing it in person.

“Good night, Kurt,” Blaine said instead.

“Good night,” Kurt said back, waiting for Blaine to hang up first before he dropped his phone off the bed and buried his head in his pillow.

He didn't know whether he should be glad or frustrated by the fact that Blaine hadn't brought it up – on the one hand, he really wanted to talk about this, get everything out in the open and make it less awkward. On the other hand, maybe they would just never mention it again. Maybe they could meet tomorrow and just... move on, continue the way they had always been.

Was that really what he wanted, though? He didn't know anymore. For a moment, he contemplated going back downstairs to distract himself further, but then decided against it and instead sat up on his bed, clutching the pillow to his chest. He had some serious thinking to do, and he wasn't going to put it off any longer. No matter how hard it was.

**

He was there early the next afternoon, his stomach clenching as he sat in the coffee shop, waiting for Blaine to show up. They hadn't seen each other since he had practically run out of his dorm room after sleeping with him. Judging from their uncharacteristically short and rather weird phone call last night, whatever was going to happen, this would be uncomfortable.

Kurt had stayed up late into the night, unable to sleep, Blaine always on his mind. He hadn't been able to figure it all out, but one thought had struck him – he'd dated and he'd broken up with guys. And never, not once, had he felt the kind of despair he felt thinking about a life without Blaine.

He had never felt as safe with anyone as he felt with Blaine. Blaine made his heart beat faster, he made him feel warm and comfortable and cared for. He was his dearest friend and there was simply no denying it – those feelings for him wouldn't just go away.

It was just... that night had been stupid. He hadn't been prepared for this – the impact of it – and neither had Blaine. But the fact remained that Kurt should have been the one to stop them. He had been there to comfort Blaine. And failed spectacularly, apparently, since now they couldn't even have a normal phone conversation anymore. So he knew he should be the first to speak. He had to. Blaine had to know – even if Kurt himself still had a little trouble putting a name to the feeling, to how much Blaine meant to him. He still had the right to know what was on Kurt's mind.

Blaine showed up early as well; Kurt had been waiting for about ten minutes when the door opened and his best friend entered. Kurt felt his heart rate speed up as his palms began to sweat. This was it. The meeting he had been scared of for more than two days now.

“Hey.” Blaine spotted him immediately, walking over to his table quickly and Kurt stood up on reflex, the impulse to hug Blaine hello one that had been second nature to him for over a year now.

Blaine froze when they were a few feet apart, his wide smile suddenly turning shy and unsure as he looked at him. Kurt took a tentative step forward, completely lost. Did they still hug? Would it still mean the same as always if they did now?

Seconds passed, both of them unmoving, swaying slightly as they tried to make up their minds between the usual greeting and just sitting down in their chairs. Somehow they managed to move in together at the same time, heads almost colliding as they hugged awkwardly. Kurt found himself actually patting Blaine's back and winced at the clumsiness of the move. God, this felt weird. This was exactly how he had never wanted it to be between Blaine and himself.

He sat down quickly, waiting while Blaine went to get himself a cup of coffee. Kurt had wanted to buy him one before he arrived, a lame attempt at an apology, but he hadn't known when Blaine would be here and cold coffee somehow didn't quite say “I'm sorry for possibly crewing up our friendship” the way he wanted to say it.

“So,” Blaine started, once he was seated across from Kurt.

“So,” Kurt said back, forcing himself to keep looking at Blaine. He had no idea what to say next.

“How is your family?” Blaine asked, clearly as much at a loss for words as Kurt was.

“Oh, they're fine,” Kurt responded quickly. “Yes, fine. It's good to be home, isn't it?”

Blaine smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. “It's okay, I guess,” he said.

“How's your family?” Kurt hastened to ask, not wanting any lull in the conversation.

“They're... busy, mostly. Kurt...”

“I know.” Kurt sighed, staring down at his fingers that were playing with the frayed edges of a napkin. “Do you want to... talk?”

Blaine nodded slowly, then shook his head. “I... I guess we should. Talk. About...”

“The other night,” Kurt finished his sentence. “Yes.” He was cold now, panicking without knowing why, and Blaine was just staring into his coffee, lips moving as if he wanted to speak, but there were no words.

“I'm sorry, Blaine, I'm so, so sorry,” Kurt blurted out when he couldn't take the silence anymore. He took a deep breath, trying to control the shaking of his hands. “I shouldn't have... We shouldn't have done that, I should have stopped us, I'm so sorry that I didn't.”

“Oh. Yes.” Blaine lowered his head further, swallowing hard. “I'm... Of course, yes. I'm sorry too.”

“No. No, no.” Kurt sat up straight, shaking his head emphatically. “You were upset, you didn't... I just didn't think, you know? None of this is your fault. If anything, we both made a mistake.” He groaned inwardly, resisting the urge to bang his head against the hard surface of the table. He was saying this all wrong. This was not what he meant, not at all.

“A mistake,” Blaine repeated quietly, still staring into his coffee cup. He raised his head finally, that forced smile back on his face. “I'm glad we agree on this – I was worried this would somehow stand between us now. I don't want things to be awkward.”

“Good,” Kurt said, attempting to sound pleased which was difficult with the way his throat was hurting suddenly, a mixture of crushed hope, fear, and the urge to cry making his voice sound strangled. “They aren't. Things are never awkward between us.”

“Do you regret it?” Blaine wanted to know.

Kurt couldn't speak. This was exactly the question that had kept him up almost all night – because the answer terrified him. Did he regret it? Could he, should he regret it? Everything depended on this, and he didn't have the words. What was the best way of saying I'll only regret it if it means losing you?

Blaine looked away when Kurt didn't answer, hurt flashing across his features before he forced a smile onto his face. “You don't have to answer that, sorry. That was a stupid question.”

“No!” Kurt reached out, covering one of Blaine's hands with his own, the contact shooting a spark of electricity up his arm. It was an impulse, the touching. One that was hard to suppress. “No, it's not, it's... I'm sorry I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Blaine.”

“You didn't, that night,” Blaine said, meeting Kurt's eyes fully and Kurt could see a sadness in Blaine's that hadn't been there before. He hated it, didn't understand it. This entire conversation had somehow gotten away from him and he still didn't know what Blaine really wanted.

“Okay,” Kurt answered, hoping it really was. It didn't seem like it. Judging by the disappointment evident on Blaine's face, this hadn't turned out the way he'd wanted it to either.

Going back now seemed difficult, though, without making it appear that he was only saying what Blaine wanted to hear – if he wanted to hear it? Oh god, this was frustrating and Kurt just couldn't see a way out, couldn't even think straight. It was too much.

Blaine excused himself half an hour later, saying something about a family dinner that night and Kurt walked him to his car, awkwardly hugging him goodbye in the parking lot, more out of habit than anything else.

He sat in his own car for a long time after Blaine had gone, staring out of the windshield without seeing anything. He didn't believe that Blaine actually had somewhere else to be. It was the first time since they had known each other that they hadn't been completely honest. The thought hurt, so much he couldn't move.

What hurt even more, though, was the knowledge that he hadn't been able to say what he wanted to say. He hadn't lied – just provided the set up for it by saying the wrong thing and not correcting himself.

Shit. He had seriously messed this up. And he'd had it all pretty much figured out in his head last night – no solution, but at least a plan. He had wanted to meet Blaine, talk to him, tell him how important he was to him. It had seemed like such a good plan before his mouth had run away with him.

**

He found himself outside Mercedes’ house about an hour later, not really knowing why he had come here. Now that he was, though, he might as well go in, get an outsider's opinion on this mess he had created.

Thank god Mercedes was home, he texted her quickly and not a minute later the front door opened. Instantly, he was reminded why having good friends who really knew you was worth so much. Mercedes took one look at him before grabbing his arm and dragging him inside and up to her room where she sat him down on the bed.

“Tell me everything,” she said.

And he did.

“Boy, you screwed up big time, didn't you?” Mercedes commented once he had gotten it all out. She rubbed his back affectionately and he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes for a second. It felt good to be able to tell someone. He hadn't had a chance to speak to Rachel before he had left and she hadn't been on the same flight – she wasn't coming home before Christmas Eve.

“I don't know what to do,” Kurt confessed. “This is bad, Mercedes.”

“Sounds like it,” she answered. “Do you love him?”

It was such a simple question, but it scared him all the same. Feelings. He had feelings for him – that much he had admitted to himself last night.

Blaine was... he was so much. And he was so... dear to him. He had become a part of his life so quickly, the one person Kurt knew he could always rely on, the one person he wanted to call whenever something bad or exciting happened to him, the one person he never, ever got tired of. The one person he never wanted to be without. Kurt pressed his hands to his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. Love. That was the one word he had avoided this whole time. Did he love Blaine? He had danced around this question for days, but having it put to him so bluntly...

There was only one answer. Of course he did. And maybe it was because he was exhausted, maybe he didn't have the energy to fight this anymore, but right now, right here, faced with this question by someone who cared about him and knew him, he might as well stop denying it. He had loved Blaine from the beginning. He'd been attracted to him from the moment he had first laid eyes on him, but he had been so afraid back then, so afraid of getting hurt. And then they had become friends, because...

Because Kurt had known, felt it deep down, that once he allowed himself to fall for Blaine there would be no turning back. He would be falling hard and fast and never want to stop. Being merely a friend Blaine had become so important to him in such a short time. More important than any of the guys he had dated.

And then, at some point, Kurt had started falling anyway, stubbornly clinging to the image of Blaine as a best friend. Because it had always been one of only two options: protect his heart or give it to Blaine completely. He was nothing if not stubborn.

Even today, when he had wanted to be honest with Blaine, the instinct to break the fall and not give in to this had still been stronger, the well-practiced move of shielding himself from heartbreak. That was why he'd panicked and said the wring things. His heart had been broken before and been patched back together, but this was different. With Blaine, it was always different. Always more. Always real in a way it had never been before.

“I do,” he said, letting himself fall backwards onto the bed, feeling miserable and exhausted. “But, Mercedes, I said I was sorry. I did it all wrong. I'm such an idiot.”

“That wasn't the smartest thing to say,” Mercedes agreed. “Can't you just call him and... I don't know. Make it right?”

Kurt shook his head, sighing. “And what am I supposed to tell him? I'm still not even sure... maybe I misinterpreted everything, or maybe he did have feelings for me too, but after what I said... I just know that he lied to me about having to go to a family dinner. We never lied to each other before. And he looked so hurt when I apologized...”

Mercedes patted his knee, trying to comfort him the best she could. “Seems to me you can't make things much worse than they already are, can you? Talk to him, Kurt. If you guys really are always honest with each other, you need to tell him how you feel.”

“You make it sound so easy.” Kurt looked up at her, grateful for the support, but still scared all the same, overwhelmed by the flood of emotions rising up inside now that he had said it out loud – really admitted for the first time what had been there inside of him for god knows how long.

“Oh, it isn't easy,” Mercedes assured him. “Think of me and Sam, senior year. We were just dancing around each other forever and I wasted so much time and hurt so many people not being honest about my feelings for him. Use me as a cautionary tale.”

“Well, at least you knew how he was feeling about you,” Kurt reminded her. “I can't be sure. And I could lose someone I really care about in the process.”

“Then maybe you need to be the Sam in this tale,” Mercedes suggested, smiling at him. “Is he worth it? Is he worth taking a risk?”

“God yes.” Kurt didn't even need to think about that one. “The problem is, he's also worth not taking it. I'd much rather be friends with him forever than not have him in my life at all. I can't imagine...” He couldn't breathe, all of a sudden. “I don't know what I'd do without him,” he said, the pain in his heart sharp and piercing. “Oh god, I don't know what I'd do without him, I'm so stupid, why didn't I see it sooner, no, why couldn't I just have never found out, oh no, what if he never forgives me...” He slapped a hand over his mouth, stifling the panicked sob that rose from his chest.

“Hey, hey, it's okay, it's gonna be all right,” Mercedes tried to calm him. “Just talk to him, okay? Don't wait until tomorrow or anything stupid like that. Call him. Tonight.”

“I have to go.” Kurt sat up quickly, pulling Mercedes into a tight hug. “Thank you. You're an amazing friend. I missed you so much.”

“Yeah, I'm awesome.” Mercedes laughed, hugging him back before shoving him in the direction of the door. “Go get him. And he better make you happy, or I'll have to pay him a visit.”