Kurt had given up on trying to get some actual work done about half an hour ago. He had wanted to get a head start on his assignments for the Christmas holidays, but since the holidays had only started today and he had an 11am flight to Ohio the next day, he figured he could put it off for a while. And with the current noise level in his apartment, any kind of work that involved thinking was sort of pointless anyway. Jesse and Rachel were having a rather loud argument right outside his bedroom door over whose turn it was to use the living room for vocal exercises. Apparently, the acoustics there were far better than in any of their bedrooms.

“You could have practiced all week, I had classes and worked late every night. What did you do all week?” Rachel asked.

“Excuse me, but your busy schedule is hardly my problem. And I specifically reserved the living room for tonight, I told you this morning – ”

“We didn't see each other this morning. I haven't seen you in days.”

“Then who was I talking to earlier?”

Kurt, finally having enough of this, got up from his bed where he'd been trying to read his magazine, and yanked his door open. “You were talking to me, Jesse, and I informed you that I had to study and asked you to please keep the noise to a minimum. Thank you for being so very considerate.”

Rachel and Jesse both turned around, staring at him.

“I didn't even know you were home,” Rachel said sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“I'm really sure, though, that it was Rachel and not you I was talking to,” Jesse insisted, not the least bit impressed by Kurt's stern look.

“No, it was me. But it's very flattering that you still can't remember my face after we've been living together for over a year.”

Jesse actually looked hurt. “Of course I know what you look like. That's why I'm sure it wasn't you.”

Rachel grabbed Jesse's arm. “Maybe you had a stroke, that's why you don't remember. Have you been sleeping enough lately?”

Kurt rolled his eyes, disappearing back into his room to get his jacket. “You two are crazy. I'm going out for coffee.”

“What, alone?” Rachel gave him a disapproving look. “But it's Saturday. You can't go out alone!”

“Says who?” Kurt asked, a little annoyed now. He'd very much prefer not going out alone, but as it happened he'd been single for about a month now and his best friend was spending his Saturday night with some of his college friends at a dorm party. One that Kurt had been invited to, but since his original plan had been to study, he'd declined.

“Oh, I'll just come with you,” Rachel decided, bouncing up and down excitedly. “Remember how we're always saying we need to hang out more? I can't remember the last time we had a real conversation. This is going to be amazing.”

“That actually sounds really nice,” Jesse said, looking thoughtfully at the two of them. “I think I'll join you. Roommate's night out, what do you say? I can tell you all about this new project I'm working on...”

“Oh, that sounds fantastic,” Rachel agreed. “Kurt, doesn't that sound great?”

Kurt sighed. He really just wanted a quiet evening alone and the entire idea of going out had been to get away from these two. “You know what? Now that I think about it, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm just going to stay in, after all. But you two should totally go out, don't let me stop you. Have fun, you deserve it, you both had really stressful weeks.”

“That's true.” Jesse nodded gravely. “I don't know about Rachel, but I've been working really hard and even a creative brain like mine needs new inspirational input every once in a while. So, Rachel, ready to go?”

Rachel looked at Kurt with a worried expression. “We shouldn't leave him alone if he's not feeling well.”

Kurt groaned inwardly. “It's not even that bad, seriously. I'm just tired and don't feel like going out, that's all.”

Rachel continued to look concerned, but Jesse's face brightened, which was never a good sign. “Let's all stay here then. It's much nicer than some crowded, overheated caf� anyway, and we don't have to go out into the cold.”

It was getting colder and colder each day with Christmas fast approaching, and Rachel, who was always worried about the winter air doing serious damage to her vocal chords, seemed to love the idea.

Finally giving in, just because he couldn't suddenly change his mind again and decide to go out anyway, Kurt joined the two of them in the living room. Letting himself fall backwards into the couch cushions, he thought he might be able to slip away in an hour or so at the most. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, for just an hour.

The least he could do was try. He was tired, yes, but all things considered he'd had one very good year-and-a-few-months in this apartment, and he'd grown rather fond of the constant madness surrounding him. He'd probably even miss it over Christmas break.

Producing a bottle of red wine out of nowhere, Jesse immediately started telling them how hard he'd been working lately – he was writing another musical himself and he was currently playing Jamie in a small production of The Last Five Years. Also, since From Ohio To The Stars had gotten him some rather favorable reviews, he was getting more and more auditions for actual Broadway parts as well. Not that he'd actually been cast in anything yet, but according to him that was only a matter of weeks now. Rachel agreed with him one hundred percent, Kurt found himself actually hoping for Jesse that it was true. As annoying as he might be, he certainly was talented.

Within an hour, the first bottle was gone; Jesse decided to open a second one, and Kurt had long forgotten his plan to sneak back into his room as soon as he could. He'd been swamped with work the entire term and this was his first day of Christmas break. He deserved a little fun, and Rachel and Jesse definitely qualified for that.

By the time Rachel was emptying the last drops from the second bottle into her wine glass, they had moved on to playing an animated round of “Who Am I?” (Jesse losing each round spectacularly since they kept giving him random politicians' names and Jesse didn't even consider politics important enough to check who was currently President) when Kurt heard his phone ring in his room.

“I'll be right back,” he informed them, scrambling to his feet, quite proud of the fact that he only felt slightly dizzy. He wasn't much of a drinker, after all.

It was Blaine. Kurt laughed, quickly closing his bedroom door to drown out Rachel and Jesse's argument over who should get up to get the third bottle from the kitchen cabinet. It was only eleven and Blaine was supposed to be at a party. He couldn't have left already.

“Hi,” he answered, already looking forward to one of Blaine's half-drunk you don't know what you're missing so I'm telling you every detail about how awesome this party is in order to convince you to go with me next time phone calls, and instead was greeted by nothing but silence on the other end. “Blaine?” he asked after a few seconds. “Are you there?”

There was the sound of a shaky breath before he heard his best friend's voice, a little strained, sounding tired and drained. “Hi. Sorry for calling so late...”

“What's wrong?” Kurt was worried in an instant. Blaine never sounded like this unless something was definitely not right.

“Nothing, nothing, I just...” Blaine broke off. “Am I a horrible person, Kurt?”

“What?” Kurt sat down on his bed, taken aback by the question. “No, of course not, Blaine, why would you even think that?”

“I saw Luke. At the party. Tonight.”

“Oh.” Kurt didn't really know what to do with that piece of information. Blaine and Luke had broken up months ago, and while Blaine hadn't dated anyone since, he had honestly believed he was over him by now. He never even mentioned Luke's name anymore.

“He's... he was there with... his name is Russell...”

There was something that sounded like a choked-back sob and Kurt felt his heart clench. “He has a new boyfriend?”

“I know I shouldn't be so upset about this, it's just... I thought...” Blaine paused shortly before he went on. “I just don't get it, is all.”

“What? What don't you get?”

Once again, it took Blaine a while to answer, his breathing still shaky and too loud at the other end of the line. “He broke up with me because apparently I ignored him. And Russell is a jerk. Everyone knows that. He didn't even look at him all night and Luke followed him around like some lovesick puppy and... What did I do wrong, Kurt?”

“You didn't do anything wrong, why would you...”

“He dumped me to date the biggest jerk on campus instead. What does that say about me?”

“Blaine.” Kurt was already putting on his shoes, trapping the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could tie them. “Where are you?”

“Back in my dorm room. I couldn't stay at that party.”

“No, of course you couldn't. I'll be there in forty-five minutes, okay?”

“No, Kurt, you don't have to...”

“Of course I do.”

“That's not why I called.”

“I know.”

“I really want you here, though.”

“I know.”

“Thank you.”

“Just hang in there. I'm on my way.” He hung up, slipping into his jacket on the way back into the living room.

“Aww, you're leaving? We haven't even opened the third bottle yet,” Rachel slurred, struggling to get up from the couch in order to hug him from behind on his way to the door.

“Yes, you can't bail on us now.” Jesse shook his head emphatically. “I was totally winning this round. If that's why you're leaving, though, I'll let you win the next.”

“I don't think a third bottle is such a good idea,” Kurt said, prying Rachel's hands from his waist and settling her back on the couch, ignoring her obvious and slightly drunk pout, happy now that he'd been drinking considerably slower than the two of them. He wasn't exactly sober anymore, but at least he wasn't really drunk either. “And we can play again some other time, Jesse. Blaine called. He didn't sound so good, I have to go there.”

“Ugh, yeah, you're always leaving us for your boyfriend.” Jesse shook his head sadly, looking at him slightly glassy-eyed. “Of course.”

“He's not my boyfriend,” Kurt explained patiently. “And I'm sorry. I promise we'll hang out again soon, okay?”

“Why isn't he your boyfriend, though?” Jesse inquired. “He might as well be.” There was no trace of annoyance in his voice, only honest curiosity.

Kurt rolled his eyes, grabbing his keys from the end table by the door. “Good night, you two.”

**

It only took Blaine a few seconds to open the door after Kurt had knocked, and he did not look good. He was pale and his eyes red-rimmed as if he'd been crying. He was still dressed in the clothes he must have worn to the party, but they were wrinkled and his bed sheets rumpled, so he must have been lying down before Kurt arrived.

“Thanks for coming over,” he said quietly. “I'm so sorry I made you come all this way in the cold, I just... I needed...”

Kurt pulled him into a hug, rubbing his hands across his back soothingly until he felt Blaine sag against him and bury his head against his shoulder, arms encircling his waist.

“It's okay,” Kurt said. “I'm here. Your roommate?”

“Staying with his girlfriend.”

“Talk to me.”

Blaine sighed, pulling back and rubbing a hand across his tired-looking face. “It's stupid. I'm stupid. It shouldn't bother me at all. I know that.”

“The fact that Luke has a new boyfriend? I thought you were over him. That all was months ago and...”

“No, I am. I am over him.” Blaine shook his head, looking depressed and apparently angry at himself over something. “That's the problem, I just can't... I mean, I don't want him back or anything, that's not it.”

Kurt took his hands, leading him over to the bed so they could both sit down, side by side. “So it's about the guy he's with? You said he was a jerk... Is that it?”

“I just don't understand.” Blaine looked down to where Kurt was still running his thumb gently over Blaine's knuckles in an attempt to calm him, show him he was there. “I don't understand why he breaks up with me because I'm not a good enough boyfriend, and then moves on to one of the worst people around. A guy who didn't even look at him all night, let alone speak to him or show any interest in him at all. Just makes me wonder, you know?”

Kurt listened, afraid to interrupt, wanting to give Blaine the chance to get it all out before he reconsidered and closed himself off. He tended to do that when he was upset, but Kurt wouldn't let him. Not now. Not ever. Not with him.

“It was me, wasn't it?” Blaine continued. “He didn't dump me because I wasn't a good enough boyfriend, he dumped me because I just wasn't good enough. Because he didn't want me. I think he never did.” He didn't cry, he just sounded broken, defeated.

It broke Kurt's heart.

“The truth is, I could have done whatever, brought him flowers every day and called a hundred times a day to say “I love you,” and he still would have dumped me, because he never loved me. It was all just a lie.”

“No.” Kurt took Blaine's other hand as well, scooting a little closer on the bed until their shoulders were touching. “No, Blaine, I don't believe that for a second. I'm sure it wasn't you, it couldn't have been you. I saw you two together, and he did like you, maybe even love you. Don't doubt that. I don't know what he wants with this other guy now, but please, please don't believe that you could ever be not good enough.”

“I'm just so... I try so hard, Kurt,” Blaine said, his voice so low Kurt could barely hear him. “I try to be good enough, I try to do the right thing and be nice and make people like me, and I just keep failing and failing. I couldn't make it work with Luke. I'm going to be a teacher to please my parents, even though all I want to do is make music. And I'm failing at both, you know? I feel like I'm not interested enough in my classes, and I haven't performed anywhere except for random open-mic nights since I came here.”

He sighed, keeping his head down like it was too heavy for him to support, and went on. “I'm not even good enough to be a real friend, I have a million friends on campus, but none close enough that I would have felt comfortable calling them tonight. Instead I had to ruin your night and make you travel all the way out here, which means I fail at being a friend to you too. I can't do anything right, I just keep disappointing people, including myself.”

His voice broke at the last word and he looked so sad, so crushed, Kurt could feel it deep inside his own heart. Seeing Blaine like this – it caused him physical pain, the familiar desire to reach out and wrap himself around him, sheltering him, so strong he was trembling with it. He knew Blaine. The real Blaine, the one few people ever got to see. The one who wanted to be liked, needed to feel accepted, longed to be loved for just exactly who he was. The one who hid his insecurities behind a smile or a song and only cracked when it all became too much, resorting to anger, or, if it was really bad, sadness.

“Blaine.” He squeezed his fingers, relieved that his voice came out strong and firm because in truth he felt like crying. Crying for Blaine because he wouldn't do it himself. “Blaine, look at me, please.”

Blaine lifted his head slowly as if it was a terrible effort and met his eyes, eyes that were too dry for the pain shining in them.

Kurt smiled at him even though he was hurting inside and held his gaze. “You have never disappointed me. You never will. You're not a failure, you're wonderful.” He had no idea if those were the right words, no idea how to make the hurt go away, just knew that he wanted to. “Don't try to be good enough, Blaine, don't ever think you have to. You are good enough. You're the best person I have ever known. And you will make music again. You're too talented not to. I believe in you, okay? And I always, always will, even if you don't. I'll never let you get away with believing you're anything but amazing.”

Gently cupping Blaine's face between his hands, he continued. “And you'll find someone again, you'll find someone amazing who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. You'll be happy again. I know you will, because you're too good of a person to not have it happen to you. Trust me on this, all right?”

Blaine didn't look convinced, the pain and insecurity still evident on his face, but he nodded slowly, letting his body slump forward into Kurt's, his arms wrapping firmly around Kurt's waist. “Thank you. For coming over. For saying all these things. I don't even know why I let it get me down like this, I just... I've just been thinking, you know? What if it's me? What if it's something about me that drives people away? I don't want to be alone forever, Kurt, I suck at being alone, and I just want...” He fell silent, just shaking slightly in Kurt's arms.

Kurt stroked his hair, threading his fingers through the soft curls, wishing there was a way for him to make Blaine see himself through his eyes for just a moment, to make him see what everyone else saw when they looked at him. A wonderful, sweet, caring and incredibly talented person, almost too good to be true.

“Oh, Blaine,” he said, hugging him closer. “What can I do to make you feel better? I'll do anything for you, just tell me, please.”

Blaine shook his head, drawing back so he could smile at Kurt sadly. “You're already making everything better by being here. The rest of it...” He shrugged, closing his eyes. “I'll get over it. Eventually. I'm just so tired.”

“I'm always here for you,” Kurt whispered “You know that, right? You're not alone, you'll always have me, even if it's not the same as... You'll always have me. I promise.”

“I know that, I know.” Blaine's head dropped onto his shoulder again, his voice muffled by Kurt's shirt. “That's why... God, Kurt, I... Can you stay here tonight? Please?”

“I'm flying to Ohio tomorrow.”

“Oh. Right.” Blaine sat up again, shrugging apologetically. “That's okay...”

“No, no, I'll stay,” Kurt continued quickly. “Of course I'll stay. I'm already packed, I just have to leave early enough to get my things. All I was going to say was I'll have to set the alarm, but I'll try not to wake you up. And I brought an overnight bag anyway, you didn't sound so good on the phone.”

“You're amazing,” Blaine told him. “But honestly, I forgot we're not flying together this time, I wouldn't have called if I'd remembered you were leaving tomorrow, and if you have an early flight you should go, I don't want you to – ”

“Blaine,” Kurt interrupted. “Don't be silly. Haven't you been listening to anything I just told you? I want to be here right now, okay?”

“Thank you.” Blaine took his hands, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I just... I don't know, I feel bad for being such a mess right now. Nothing even happened, I should be able to deal with this on my own, shouldn't I? Why can't I do that? Why do I always need to call you and drag you into this?”

“You never have to feel bad for that, though,” Kurt assured him, pushing a stray curl away from Blaine's face. “You come running every time I have a nervous breakdown over a wardrobe crisis or anything. Isn't that what best friends are for?”

“I don't even deserve you,” Blaine said, affection shining through the tears that were finally filling his eyes, and Kurt felt that well-known warmth, settle in his chest, this time spiked with a dull ache at seeing Blaine so unhappy.

“No, you deserve far better,” he said, hoping the smile on his face looked as encouraging as he meant it. “That's what I keep telling you.”

“Kurt, I mean it,” Blaine said. “I'm such a mess, I'm crying over someone who left me months ago, and I'm not even interested in him anymore. I'm just... God, am I so self-centered that I really can't just be happy for him? Do I want him to be miserable and alone because I haven't been on a date in months and that means no one else should be dating either?”

“Blaine...” Kurt tried to silence him, grabbing his shoulders, trying to get him to look at him again. “He's not happy though, didn't you say that that new guy was a total jerk? And you're not self-centered, you're...”

But Blaine was finally crying now, silently, more angry tears than anything else. “What is wrong with me, Kurt?” he asked. “Wasn't all of this supposed to be easier once we were out of Ohio? Isn't college supposed to be this magical time where you meet people and date and feel good about yourself? Because I don't even know who I am anymore and I can't... I don't know what to do. Why is this so difficult?”

“I don't know,” Kurt said, wiping away Blaine's tears. “I don't know, I wish I could tell you. I don't want it to be difficult for you, I just want you to be happy. Blaine, please don't be sad,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Blaine's forehead, his temple, his cheek.

He wasn't sure how it had happened later. Maybe it was the effects of the alcohol he'd consumed earlier that still left him a little lightheaded, weakening his inhibitions. Maybe it was Blaine turning his head a little at just the right moment. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe it didn't matter, but whatever the reason, the next kiss landed on Blaine's mouth. It was just a gentle peck, but Kurt sucked in a surprised breath at the contact. It went through him like an electric jolt, a brief, warm press of lips against lips, gone again in a second. His head jerked back and their eyes met, uncertain and yet unable to look away from each other.

Blaine was still crying silently, but his hands were searching for Kurt's where they were still holding Blaine's face, and he took them in his own, threading their fingers together.

“Kurt,” he said, just that one word, sounding pleading and broken and desperate, and Kurt felt something inside of him snap. He leaned in again, Blaine meeting him halfway for another kiss. This one was longer, more, but still searching. Their lips weren't moving, just touching, breathing together for a few seconds, Kurt trying to offer comfort through the simple contact while his heart was hammering against his ribs so loudly he felt the blood rushing in his ears – a storm of fear, longing, tenderness, confusion and shock. Blaine was trembling, pressing closer, seeking something that Kurt couldn't quite identify but was willing to give anyway. They pulled back at the same time, staying close enough that their foreheads were resting together.

All conscious thought seemed to leave Kurt's mind as everything around them disappeared and there was only Blaine, Blaine's hands on his hips and his warm breath against his lips, and he was aching in a way he had never experienced before. Unable to think through the turmoil in his mind, unable to do anything but want, he carded his fingers through Blaine's hair and kissed him again because he had to, because suddenly it seemed like the only thing he knew how to do, humming when Blaine responded by pulling him closer and kissing back.

Blaine's lips were slightly chapped from the cold December air – he liked walking around outside when it was snowing and had tried to get Kurt into a snowball fight on more than one occasion. Which was a weird thing to remember now, Kurt thought. But even chapped, Blaine's lips were still gentle, warm and slightly wet, and tasted like Blaine, and Kurt never wanted to stop kissing them, didn't think he could if he tried. He didn't want to try anyway. Kissing had never felt like this before, ever. Like it was more important than breathing, more important than thinking about what this meant, whether this was a good idea, because this was Blaine, his best friend Blaine, the most important person in his entire world and...

…Oh. Oh shit. No, he thought, no, no, no, this is such a bad idea, this is such a very, very bad idea. Friends, we're friends, he's my best friend and he's hurting right now and I can't...

“Blaine,” he said in between kisses, trying to stop, but Blaine kept chasing his lips, connecting their mouths again and again. “Blaine, Blaine, stop, we need to stop.”

“No,” Blaine pleaded. “No, we don't. Please, Kurt, we don't, not now.”

“Are you sure?” Kurt couldn't stop touching him, his shoulders, his back, his arms, and he kept his eyes closed, pressing his face into Blaine's hair to breathe him in as Blaine placed feather light kisses down the side of his neck.

“Please,” was Blaine's only answer, and then his lips were back against Kurt's mouth, the kiss hungrier and deeper then all the ones before, and Kurt felt that tiny voice in his head that kept screaming at him we should talk about this, but it was getting fainter, growing more and more silent until it stopped altogether.

Kissing Blaine seemed vital, and well, maybe it was, maybe this had been inevitable all along, maybe this was where they had been headed all this time, because what other explanation could there possible be for the way he was feeling right now? Light-headed and happy and like everything was falling into place somehow, finally, finally, after all this time.

Could be the wine, that annoying voice in his head chirped up again, but no, he didn't think so, not really.

This was Blaine, after all. His Blaine. Maybe that was what he had always been. It just felt so right.

So he didn't resist when Blaine pushed him down onto the bed and slid between his legs, instead slipped his fingers under Blaine's shirt to run his fingers over warm skin, lifting his shoulders to allow Blaine to help him out of his own clothes.

As layer after layer disappeared, hands finding new skin to touch, nerve-endings already on fire everywhere, Kurt felt like his entire body was singing, perfectly in tune with Blaine's; Blaine who kept kissing him and muttering unintelligible words into his skin, Blaine who leaned into every one of Kurt's touches like he could never be close enough.

It wasn't slow, it was desperate, shaking hands and trembling bodies as they became vulnerable in front of each other. It was need and want and something else, something new; raw and deep and gentle.

They weren't rough, just impatient, the desire for more and closer setting them on fire until they couldn't breathe. And even though Kurt wasn't exactly inexperienced anymore and he knew that Blaine wasn't either, it still felt new, like nothing he had ever done before.

He flipped them over, already breathing heavily as they started rocking together. Blaine brought up a hand to run his fingers over Kurt's cheek, whispering his name.

Urgency mixed with tenderness as their eyes locked, neither of them able to look away, until Blaine arched up and cried out. Kurt buried his face against Blaine's neck and shuddered in his arms as he followed him seconds later.

**

Kurt awoke early the next morning, slightly disoriented at first, but blissful in a way that was slightly confusing, considering he didn't even know where he was. The room wasn't his own and the narrow bed with the lumpy mattress definitely wasn't his. Also, there was something warm pressing against his chest, and those dark curls tickling his face...

Right. Blaine.

Burying closer into the warmth of his friend, he closed his eyes again, letting out a contented sigh. Blaine made a small noise and shifted against him, causing Kurt to smile and sleepily press a tender kiss against the back of his neck, wondering why on earth this suddenly seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do.

Oh.

Suddenly wide awake, the memory of last night came flooding back. Blaine calling him, Blaine being upset, Blaine needing to be comforted. A kiss and more kisses after that, discarded clothing and roaming hands and...

Just lying there, feeling Blaine's body solid and real in his arms, Kurt suddenly couldn't breathe. Because this was new. And he wasn't entirely sure how to handle it. Not sure what he was feeling anymore, he felt his muscles tense as he tried to make sense of it all, his tired mind trying to catalog all these emotions swirling around inside of him. He was... tired. Warm. Comfortable in a way he had never felt before and... a little bit terrified.

Okay, maybe a lot terrified.

He tried not to stir, not to wake Blaine who was still sleeping peacefully with Kurt spooned around him. Oh god, was this really happening?

Squeezing his eyes shut, Kurt tried to control his breathing, tried to keep himself from freaking out. This was... Was it good? Not good? He felt like he should know, make up his mind about what he was feeling before Blaine woke up, but it was difficult. What the hell had he been thinking? Oh, right, he hadn't been thinking at all.

Replaying the events of the previous night in his head, he felt terrible all of a sudden, remembering the way Blaine had looked when he'd arrived, remembering the tears and the sadness and his awkward attempts at comforting Blaine. Shit. Had he taken advantage of him?

Oh god, they were friends, this was not the way they comforted each other. Hugging, support, gentle touches and heartfelt words, that was what they did, but not this, never this. What had he done?

Blaine was holding on to Kurt's hand where his arm was flung over Blaine's chest, and Kurt gently pried his fingers away, rolling to the side and off the small single bed. He needed to get some distance between them right now. He needed to get out of here and think. There was no way he would be able to form a single coherent thought with Blaine's skin against his, not with the way his chest was moving as he breathed and the way his hair was sticking up all sleep-ruffled and cute and the way those dark eyelashes fanned out across his cheeks...

Stop it, Kurt told himself. Stop it and think about this. The way you should have last night.

He had no idea where to go from here. Feeling panic rising in his chest, all he wanted was to run away, but... This was Blaine. Leaving felt wrong. He just didn't think he could stay either.

It was a cowardly thing to do, he knew that, just going now without giving Blaine the chance to get angry at him once he woke up. But he couldn't stay. He had to go and clear his head and come up with a way to explain this, to understand this, fix it, if he had to. To make sense of why he had thought it a good idea to sleep with his best friend, who had clearly been too upset and depressed to think straight.

Quickly checking the time, he was relieved to see that it was only a little after seven. He could go home, get his suitcase and catch his 11am flight to go home to Ohio for Christmas. He'd text Blaine later, Or call him. Or write him a long email in which he apologized a hundred times over, begging him to please, please still be his friend and not let this ruin the great thing they had going.

Oh god, what if he had ruined everything by being so stupid?

Except... it hadn't felt stupid at all, last night. Kurt wrapped his arms around himself, his heart beating in a wild tap-dance rhythm as he looked down at Blaine's sleeping form. There had been a moment...

But no. No. Impossible. They'd known each other for over a year, this wasn't happening now, was it? They had turned from that path a long time ago and what they had found instead was so much better.

And yet...

Angry with himself for even thinking it, he quickly gathered his clothes off the floor – he hadn't even bothered to fold them and put them on a chair last night, he'd been so intent on getting his hands down his best friend's pants – and started getting dressed.

“What are you doing?” Blaine asked sleepily, and Kurt froze, fingers shaking as he closed the last few buttons on his shirt. So much for sneaking out before Blaine woke up.

“I have to catch my flight,” he explained, relieved to hear his voice come out firm and steady. “You're flying out tomorrow, aren't you?” Steeling himself for whatever was about to come, he turned around to look at Blaine.

Who just looked back at him with a sleepy, content expression on his face. “Tomorrow, yes. Can't you stay a few minutes longer?”

Kurt studied him carefully, looking for some sign of regret in Blaine's eyes, some sign of rejection, and finding none. Could it be... No. He wouldn't even allow himself to continue along these lines, because... Well, he could think about it later, right now he was confused, so confused. “I... Sorry, I have to go back to my place first and get my things, I...”

“Oh, okay.” Blaine looked confused now too, and Kurt wanted to scream in frustration, because he didn't know what any of it meant.

“I'll call you as soon as I land, okay? And... we... can talk. If you want. Or... meet up, I don't know, you don't live that far away, so... But you probably want to spend Christmas with your family, so I understand if you don't...”

“No, no, I'd love to see you,” Blaine interrupted, sitting up and lifting a hand as if he wanted to touch Kurt, but changed his mind mid-motion and let it drop back down onto the bed. “If that's something you want too.”

“Yes, yes of course,” Kurt hastened to assure him, because first of all, he honestly wanted to, and also, he hated this awkwardness that had emerged between them. And it was all his fault, for not saying no when Blaine had been upset and vulnerable. It must have been the alcohol. He never drank and the one time he did... this happened.

“Good,” Blaine said, looking a bit happier, and Kurt knew even less what that was supposed to mean.

“Just... give me a minute,” he said, fleeing into the bathroom where he leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths and fighting against the rising nausea. He didn't even know what he was feeling anymore. Waking up this morning, he'd been sure he had screwed everything up, and now Blaine was looking at him like this and wanting to meet him in Ohio over Christmas... What did it mean?

Splashing some cold water onto his face, Kurt went over all of his options in his head. He wasn't ready to have a conversation about this, not yet. Not before he’d sorted this out in his own head. He just didn't understand anything anymore, it was all too much, too much... But how was he supposed to just leave when all he wanted... all he wanted...

God, what did he want, though? Kissing Blaine and holding Blaine and being close to Blaine... it had been incredible. He had never felt more whole, more complete, in his life. But Blaine was his best friend. His attractive, charming, too-sweet-for-his-own-good best friend. And he was his soulmate, in a way, but surely not in that way? What were the odds of that?

They had grown up so close together, he had been so close within his reach all those times Kurt had needed a friend or wanted to fall in love during the hellish time that had been high school. And yet they had never met. Didn't that mean something? He didn't even believe in fate, which made everything he was feeling right now just that much more confusing.

Why, why, why had they never met back then, why had the world waited for him to become so damaged before pointing him in Blaine's direction, why?

He buried his face in his hands, groaning in frustration. Could it be, though? Was this real? From the moment he'd met Blaine there had been something. A connection, a certain attraction too – at first. Maybe there had been the potential for more at some point, but hadn't they moved past that a long time ago? What he and Blaine had – it had been the one thing through everything that was good and everything that was bad about New York, the one thing that had always, always made sense to him. And now he just didn't know anymore.

Well, whatever this was, whatever this meant, he wouldn't decide anything now, wearing last night's clothes and in desperate need of a shower. Blaine deserved more than a rash decision from someone with apparently really poor impulse control.

By the time he returned to the room, Blaine had dressed himself in sweatpants and an old t-shirt, and was sitting on the edge of his mattress, waiting for Kurt.

“Are you okay?” He asked, as soon Kurt was back in the room. “You looked a little...”

“I'm fine,” Kurt answered, attempting a smile. “I just didn't sleep very much. Neither did you, I believe.”

“Yes, the bed is a bit small for two people...” Blaine lowered his eyes and bit his lip as if holding back a smile.

“Um, yeah, I wasn't really talking about... I should go,” Kurt changed direction mid-sentence, before he could start a conversation he was definitely not ready for yet. “I have the... flight. 11am.”

“Right.” Blaine got up, walked over to him, just watching as Kurt put on his jacket, his scarf, his gloves. “Please call me, okay?” Blaine said quietly, and Kurt finally, for the first time since they had woken up, met his eyes.

“I will,” he said. “I promise. Blaine...”

“Come here.” Blaine reached out, holding onto the lapels of Kurt's winter jacket as he leaned in and kissed him tenderly, just a quick, light touch of lips. “See you in Ohio,” he said with a small, shy smile.

“See you,” Kurt answered, his voice a little shaky, before he quickly turned away and walked out into the cold.