Chapter 9

They had already entered Central Park and Blaine was taking him to the north of it. They kept talking lightly, catching up on Kurt’s job and Blaine’s crazy weekend.

They had been in silence as Kurt stopped to admire one of the statues they were passing, his back to Blaine. When he turned back, the other boy seemed inmerse in his own thoughts.

“What’s up?” Asked Kurt, a bit concerned.

Blaine brushed it off, but Kurt didn’t believe him.

After thay had walked for another couple of minutes, still in silence and looking around, Kurt looked up at Blaine saying “Would you tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing. There’s just a lot in my mind.”

“Like? You can talk to me.” Tried Kurt, his voice warm and caring.

Blaine sighed. “I’m just... trying to figure out all this delicate balance of what I can or cannot do and people keep getting mad at me no matter what I finally do or say. And it’s just... it’s my life they’re talking about.” He looked up but couldn’t bring his eyes to Kurt’s. “I’m sorry, that makes no sense. I’m just frustrated. Ignore what I said, I don’t wanna bring all that crap here, to us.”

Kurt was starting to think he actually had gotten something out of Blaine’s rambling and he didn’t want to ignore anything, he really wanted them to have a truthfull conversation. “I’m not trying to overstep, it’s just... I’m here if you want to talk about it, you know. I’m not that fragile and it’s not healthy for you to just bottle everything up.” He said.

“I’m not good at talking about this things. I’m not trying to push you away. God, that’s the last thing I want to do.” Said Blaine.

“Then, do you mind if I ask you something?”

“No, go ahead.”

Kurt decided to start with what seemed easier.

“Why did you talk like that on Thursday?” He asked.

“On tv? Like what?” Asked Blaine, finally looking at Kurt.

“Like acknowledging me, somehow.” Explained Kurt, not wanting to elaborate further.

“It’s... How would you have felt if I had denied you?”

“I’m not going to say I would have loved it, of course. But I would have understood.” Kurt replied.

“I guess I hated the idea of blantantly denying you, it just felt wrong. As if we were supposed to hide, there’s so much so wrong with that. Even if I can’t even tell the true I wouldn’t be able to deal with knowing I’m feeding the idea that we should hide. I can’t do that.” Blaine looked around a litttle, as a reflex, and then went to take Kurt’s hand, caressing it absently. “I also didn’t want you to think I didn’t care or that I wasn’t being sincere about my feelings.” He stopped for a second, evaluating if saying something else, eventually he sighed and added, “I don’t want to lie to you, my staff isn’t exactly thrilled with the way I handled things. They think I said too much. That means they would babysit me even more, now.” He added, rolling his eyes.

As Kurt was forming a response, Blaine took him through a magnificent iron gate.

“This is the Conservative Garden” Said Blaine, opening his arms. “Ever been here?”

Kurt shook his head. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah.” Blaine said, he wasn’t looking around, but at Kurt.

Kurt turned to look at him and took in his adoring expression. Even in the scarce light Blaine’s eyes shinned, pretty and golden. Kurt looked around to check they were alone and leaned forward, pressing a small kiss to the corner of Blaine’s mouth. “Let’s find a seat.” He said with an intense gaze on Blaine.

Blaine directed him further into the garden to a fountain that was a tribute to the children of The Secret Garden and to a bench behind it. As they sat Kurt made his mind about what he wanted to tell Blaine. He decided to start from the very begining.

He took a big breath and started talking. Blaine listened intently.

“I came out when I was a sophomore in high school, but it was the least surprising thing anyone had ever heard. I only know of one single person that didn’t know before I told her, or even before I knew. And that was more denial than anything else. My dad says I asked for a pair of sensible heels when I was three. I’m pretty sure you can say I’ve, somehow, never been in the closet. I mean, I don’t even have to go that far to find an example, from what I recall you never actually asked. And I’m not saying that in a bad way.” He clarified quickly, remembering his failed attempts to not stare at Blaine the night they met. “I’m completely comfortable with myself now, I know I don’t exactly pass as straight and I couldn’t care less.”  Kurt explained.

His eyes were fixed in the water going through the fountain in front of them, avoiding to look at Blaine. In part not to be influenced by Blaine’s reaction and also afraid of letting himself get distracted from what he was trying to convey. He continued. “But back when I was thirteen or fourteen that was my biggest curse. I was bullied and called names since middle school for something I not only couldn’t control but I hadn’t even came to terms with. And I have, by now, learned not only to accept it but to be myself and embrace it. But sometime along the way I think I developed some sort of resentment for those who, I thought, had it easier. I felt like they were being given a choice that I didn’t have. They got to decide whether or not to come out, when to do it, to whom. I didn’t have that. It didn’t matter that I was out and proud by then, it just seemed unfair.”

He took a deep breath and kept talking. “I don’t even know to which extent it was something conscious and to which it was just a projection, a reflex of all that, but I know it was because of that baggage that I was taken aback when you told me you were bi. I’ve thought it through, figured what it was and I left it behind. I don’t see things like that anymore.”

He allowed himself to look at Blaine, who was looking at him with a sweet expression. Blaine squezeed his hand and Kurt couldn’t recall when their hands had ended up clasped but felt that was where his hand belonged. He went back to speaking, he still had something else to say. “I not only understand that it’s not your fault, not a trick of the universe in its intent of messing with me, I also think it isn’t actually like that. It’s not easier, per se. If I, having dealt with being an outsider for my whole life, couldn’t be supportive, then who is the one telling you it’s okay? Because we all need someone out there to tell us there’s nothing wrong with us, that it’s ok to be who you are. If even people in the community has issues with bisexuality then it’s as if there’s no place for you to truly belong. I don’t want to be more of that, I want to help you be comfortable with this and with how we decide to handle ourselves and whatever it is that comes with it.” Kurt looked at Blaine in the eye, trying to gather his reaction, to read what he may be thinking. The way Blaine was looking at him made his heart flutter.

Blaine leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips, holding his face in place. He pulled away, staying close and not moving his eyes from Kurt’s and said “ I know it’s... unfair of me to ask but... Would you be my boyfriend?”

Kurt could feel in the way Blaine was looking at him that Blaine had true feelings for him but he could also see that there was a lot going on in his head. He felt both the urge to throw himself at his arms and to ask further, to get to understand what Blaine was thinking. He took one of his hands to Blaine’s face, stroking a loose curl at his temple and asked. “Why would that be unfair?”

“I can’t promise you I’d come out any time soon, I’m not even sure I can promise you I would, eventually, do it. I get you’re trying to help but... How many people are there in the industry I’m in that are out as bi?” Asked Blaine and continued before waiting for an answer. “There’re people told to be bi and there’re people that are beyond everything enough to be able to say wathever they want. But how many of them are male, in their early twenties and have only been around for a couple of years?” Blaine sounded frustrated but not mad, as if he was tired of having this same conversation with himself or others repeatedly. “ What I’m trying to say is that with the amount of people still coming out as gay when they are in their forties and have made a name of themselves, I don’t know if I can be enough of a rebel or an activist or whatever it is that are those who have had the guts to do it differently and stand out for that. I’m not asking you for a fun ride...” Blaine looked at him intensely. “I don’t even come out to people close to me as quickly as I did with you. I mean, I did back in high school when I had this unending faith in people, but that never turned up to be good for me and then with my career, I stopped telling people, there were always too many posible, dangerous consequences. With you, I instantly felt I was safe, that I could trust you. But I don’t know if that’s enough to make me go out there and say it out loud, for everyone to hear. And you deserve better than that.”

Kurt kissed him deeply, wraping his arms around Blaine’s neck and holding onto him for his dear life. He felt he needed Blaine to know he understood what he was saying but he was in for the ride, come what may.

“Yes” He said, looking deep into Blaine’s eyes.

Blaine looked startled, lost in Kurt. “Yes, what?” He asked, as if he had forgotten himself in Kurt’s kiss.

“Yes, I’d be your boyfriend, idiot.” Kurt answered, rolling his eyes playfully.

Blaine smiled but then he asked, more serious “Even if I never come out publicly?”

“I won’t forever be your dirty secret. But we would work that out together, not pressures or timelines. I’m here, Blaine. Just talk to me and we would figure this out together.” Answered Kurt, sincerely.

Blaine agreed by leaning forward for another kiss.