Chapter 4 – Part 2

“Please stop crying,” Kurt whispers as he tries to rock his screaming daughter back to sleep before she wakes James who has an early flight once more. “Or tell me what's wrong.”

He's fed her, burped her and changed her diaper, told her a story and sung to her, but no matter what he tries, Lexy refuses to go back to sleep. It's been like this since they've taken her home from the hospital a week ago, and Kurt doesn't fault his husband who has to go to work every morning for sleeping with earplugs. He just wishes he wasn't the only one getting up every few hours trying to reason with a screaming baby. During the day, he sleeps when she does, as it's the only way to get any sleep at all. Household chores have fallen to the wayside because of it, but for once in his life Kurt doesn't give a damn about the dirty dishes in the sink or that the only clothes getting washed are his daughter's. His hair is unstyled, and his fabulous clothes have been replaced with t-shirts and gym shorts. It's no wonder that he and James haven't had sex since Lexy was born, Kurt muses.

Lexy lets out another blood curling scream and Kurt presses her closer to him, counting down the hours till Burt and Carole's return from Ohio. His parents had gone back to Lima after Lexy had been discharged from the hospital, but promised to come back and give Kurt a hand once James left for China.

Another round of ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' and ‘You are the Sunshine of my Life' finally does the trick and Kurt carefully carries Lexy back to the nursery Brittany and Santana had helped him paint in bright purple and dark grey once they'd discovered the sex of the baby. After a kiss to her cheek, he tiptoes into the bedroom, where he's surprised to discover that James isn't in bed anymore. The door to the bathroom opens just then and James steps out, clad in the suit Kurt had picked out the night before.

“What are you doing up?” Kurt asks quietly to avoid waking Lexy and crawls back into bed.

“With the way she was screaming, those,” James points to the earplugs on the nightstand, “didn't help much. And I have to get up in an hour anyway, so no use going back to sleep now. Not all of us can be so lucky and get to sleep in.”

“Sleep in,” Kurt repeats incredulously. “If you count never sleeping more than three or four hours as sleeping in. And that's why I'm going back to sleep now because I have no time to fight with you over this.”

“I don't want to fight, love, but I've told you more than once that you'd be on your own if you wanted to go through with your baby plans and that my job would come first. So don't be angry with me for doing exactly that.”

Not wanting to admit that James has a point, Kurt rolls over and closes his eyes. Moments later, the bedroom door shuts quietly and Kurt finally lets the tears fall he'd suppressed when Lexy had kept him up all night once again.

***

When Kurt wakes up a few hours later it's to the smell of coffee and for a moment Kurt is confused because he's certain James left soon after he fell asleep. But then he hears Carole and his dad talk softly to one another and remembers giving them a key to the apartment during their last visit. 

In the living room, his dad is on the couch, holding Lexy, who's awake and fortunately not screaming, like a football, while Carole is putting a plate of scrambled eggs and a basket of whole wheat bread on the dining room table.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Carole greets him and Kurt bends down to accept the kiss to his cheek. “You're just in time for breakfast, so sit down. I don't think your dad will let go of his granddaughter any time soon.”

His dad doesn't even look up, so Kurt lets Carole push him onto a chair and fills his plate with Carole's famous pancakes and strawberry jam.

“How long have I been asleep?”

“When Burt and I got here around eight you were sound asleep and the little cutie over there was just waking up. She cried a bit at first, but your dad managed to calm her down before she could wake you. And honey, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like you could use your sleep.”

“I do, so thanks for not waking me.”

His dad joins them at the table then after putting Lexy in her crib and Kurt relaxes, really relaxes for the first time in a week as he listens to his dad talk about his customers and Carole about her awful new boss.

After brunch, Kurt takes a shower while Carole changes Lexy's diaper and dresses her in a purple onesie from Rachel and light grey socks decorated with polka dots for her first trip to the park. It'd been raining the days after they'd taken Lexy home and just taking care of her at home had exhausted him so much that taking her outside hadn't even crossed his mind. But Burt and Carole's arrival in New York had brought with them the sun and warmth of the previous week. It short, it's the perfect day for Lexy's first trip outside.

When they are all dressed and ready to go, the diaper bag stored beneath the stroller, Kurt works his way through all the buckles until Lexy is secured in her brand new stroller. It's purple and grey, like Lexy's room and many of her clothes, and stylish in a way that Kurt had joked that it had been designed with him in mind.

Thankfully, their Upper West Side apartment is only three blocks away from Central Park, so they reach the park quickly and sit down on a bench shaded from the sun by a large oak tree close to Strawberry Fields.

“So how are you doing?” his dad asks when Carole excuses herself.

“I'm exhausted,” Kurt admits, because he's never been good at lying to his father. “James pretty much moved to the office after we brought her home and she just won't stop screaming at night. And during the day I get nothing done because I'm so tired and usually try to get some sleep when she's asleep. I really wanted to clean up before you got here, but sleep seemed like the better choice.”

“No one cares about that, kiddo. And you're doing okay. After all, she's fed, clothed and loved. And that's all she needs for now. And apparently fresh air,” Burt adds teasingly as he points out Lexy's wide eyes following a squirrel scampering down a tree in her line of sight.

“And Kurt, you're not lacking in money, so just hire someone to take care of the apartment until things with Lexy settle down. Contrary to what you appear to think, you don't have to do it all on your own. There's nothing wrong with getting help every now and then. And your daughter needs you to stay sane. I'm sure one of your friends would love to look after her for a few hours to give you time to yourself. When you were born, I couldn't take time of work either, but I made sure to give your mother time to herself when I was home. And I remember her telling me that just being able to take a bubble bath every now and then without having to worry about you was enough to stop her from ripping your head off the next time you just wouldn't go to sleep.”

Kurt doesn't remember much about his late mother, but he knows how much she loved him. It's hard to reconcile the woman in his mind with the woman his dad is telling him about, but it gives him hope for the future. That even though everything is hard right now and the difficulties seem to be insurmountable, it will be all right in the end. That he and Lexy and James will be okay as a family.

“Thanks Dad. And thanks for staying with me this week. I can really use this break.”

Kurt turns toward his dad and wraps his arms around Burt's broad shoulders. It's how Carole finds them.

“Good talk?” she coos and hands Lexy the stuffed elephant that used to be Kurt's and had been washed and fixed up by Carole. “Did you drop Dumbo again? Yes, you did. Yes, you did.”

Kurt smiles brightly as he observes Burt and Carole doting on their granddaughter. The only missing link in the idyllic family picture is James and Kurt prays to a god he doesn't believe in that one day he and James would be the amazing parents his own had been.

***

When James returns from Beijing two weeks later, it's with a stack of gifts for Lexy; most of them too advanced for a three week old baby. Kurt kisses him deeply after he drops his suitcase until Lexy interrupts loudly. When he tries to hand her over to James, his husband picks up the fallen suitcase instead.

“Maybe it's better if you hold her until she calms down. After two weeks gone, I'm practically a stranger to her.”

With the way Lexy eyes James warily at first, his husband is probably right, but it would have been nice if James had at least tried to be the one to calm her down for once, Kurt thinks.

A few minutes later, James returns from their bedroom with two stuffed animals, a box of building blocks and a bright red toy car.

“I know she's a bit young for most of it, but I didn't want to return empty handed,” James explains as he cautiously approaches their daughter.

Unfortunately, Lexy starts crying again the moment James gets close enough to touch her, and his husband recoils.

“I guess I'll better put them in her room,” James calls out as he practically flees the room.

Kurt sinks down onto the couch and absentmindedly rubs Lexy's back until she stops wailing. He'll have to find a way for father and daughter to connect, because as long as James is actually afraid of her, he isn't any help to Kurt.

Operation make James and Lexy bond, sadly, doesn't go as planned. While James tries to help out more this time around – warming Lexy's bottles, putting her clothes into the washing machine and finding a cleaning woman to come by once a week – he still refuses to hold her or give her a bath, convinced she'll start screaming the moment he touches her. His fear isn't unfounded, because their daughter does start crying whenever James gets close, but it's no excuse in Kurt's opinion because she screams just as much when he's the one trying to get her back to sleep in the middle of the night.

Regrettably, there isn't anything Kurt can do about it other than forcing Lexy on James, which is an extreme he isn't willing to go to. Before he knows it, his husband boards another flight – three weeks in Hong Kong this time – leaving Kurt alone with their daughter once more.

***

“Have you thought about joining some kind of club? I read this article in the paper about women who are doing gymnastics with their babies,” Carole tells him over the phone when Kurt calls to complain about going stir crazy from staying home with his three months old all the time. He needs to be with grown ups who aren't living on his television screen.

“I don't think gymnastics is my kind of thing and I've already looked into swimming lessons and they've told me that they'll take her once she's four months old. In the meantime, I just need to get out of the apartment.”

“I'm sure you'll find something to keep you occupied,” Carole reassures him before telling him that she has to take the cake she's baking for their elderly neighbor out of the oven.

After hanging up the phone, Kurt goes online, Lexy fortunately still asleep, and looks up baby groups meeting in his part of town. As he scrolls down the list Google provides him with he spots a sort of self-help group for single parents. Now, officially he isn't a single parent and doesn't deal with the same problems, but for the time being, he is his daughter's primary caregiver while his husband only sees her every other week. Because it would be embarrassing to get kicked out of a self-help group, Kurt emails the leader of the group first, explaining his situation, and his need to meet other grown ups before he goes mad.

Melissa, a thirty-four year old lawyer and single mother of a three year old and a six months year old emails him back the next day and invites him to coffee in a child friendly coffee shop uptown for the following Saturday. As most members of the group have jobs, they can only meet weekends, which isn't an issue for Kurt whose husband is financing his role as stay at home dad. Because it's what Kurt wants and because they can afford it. He may not like his husband's job very much, but at least it pays very well. 

The next Saturday, Kurt dresses Lexy in dark blue leggings, black polka dot shoes, a blue and white striped dress and a light, grey jacket before buckling her into her stroller. It's a nice September day, not too hot anymore, but still warm enough for Kurt to leave early and walk the seven blocks uptown to the coffee shop where Melissa's group is meeting. Kurt immediately understands why the group likes the coffee shop because the right side corner is filled with toys and a bookcase full of children's literature.

“Kurt?” a tall woman with short black hair calls out when Kurt pushes his stroller into the coffee shop and he nods before approaching the table. Three more women in their thirties and a man in his early forties are with Melissa, either bouncing young kids on their laps or checking on the older ones playing in the corner.

“I'm Melissa and this is my son Connor,” Melissa introduces herself and points into the stroller next to her chair. “Sarah is playing in the corner with Jim's daughter Julia and Meg's son Davis.”

Kurt waves shyly and frees Lexy from her stroller prison. “Hi, I'm Kurt and this is Lexy. I don't know if Melissa told you anything about me but I just wanted to let you know grateful I am for being able to join you even though I'm not a real single parent.”

Jim waves him off. “My wife got a job offer in Germany last year and it wasn't possible for me and Julia to come along. So technically, I'm not a ‘real' single parent either.”

“And to be honest,” Melissa rejoins the conversation, “this isn't really a self-help group. I only named it a self-help group for single parents because I had too many people join in the beginning who were just looking for a free baby sitter or a place to dump their children while they went out to meet friends. None of my friends or coworkers had children, so I thought it would be a good idea to meet others who understood what I was going through.”

“I know what you mean. All my friends are really focused on their careers right now and I,” Kurt swallows around the sudden lump in his throat, “don't have any nieces or nephews Lexy's age either. I went to the park a lot during the summer, but she's too young to play with the other children on the playground and most of the people I met where only the kids' nannies.”

“Well, you've come to the right place to let off steam,” Meg, a plump redhead, assures him. “So why don't you hand over that little cutie and get yourself a coffee and some treat. You deserve it.”

Kurt hands Lexy over to Meg before walking over to the counter to order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte and a chocolate muffin, giving himself an imaginary pat on the shoulder for finding the perfect group of people for this stage of his life.

***

“Kurt, trust me I can't wait to meet your little girl, but I'm only in town for one night and I want to get drinks with my former Glee mates; you included. So tell your husband to watch your kid and come out with us girls,” Mercedes instructs him when she calls to tell him the details of her flight.

Mercedes Jones, his best friend from high school, had done well for herself. She'd moved to Los Angeles after graduating high school and had enrolled at UCLA while singing back up for an up and coming R&B artists. Nine years later, Mercedes had long surpassed up and coming R&B artists and was currently promoting her second album.

“Look Mercedes. James is in China, so can we meet after your interview instead? We could have brunch after you are done somewhere close to Rockefeller Center.”

“Hell to the no,” his best friend snarks, bringing back her favorite expression from high school. “If your hubby can't watch the kid, call a sitter. It's been three years since we've all been together and I don't want to wait another year for our high school reunion. I've already talked to Rachel, Santana and Brittany and they are all in. And, just to sweeten the deal, Rachel has promised to bring that new man of hers I know your dying to meet.”

Sadly, Mercedes has a point. Rachel had been incredibly secretive about the new man in her life and Kurt's beyond curious at this point. To the point that he and Santana had placed a bet on it. Kurt had bet twenty bucks that Rachel was dating a tone deaf accountant, while Santana was certain that the new boyfriend was someone they'd met before and hadn't liked.

“But I've never left her with anyone before. Not even my parents.” Or James he adds in his mind.

“She's five months old, Kurt. I'm sure she's going to survive being taken care of by someone else for a few hours. You meet us for drinks tonight and tomorrow I'm taking the two of you out for breakfast where she'll have my undivided attention. Do we have a deal?”

“Fine,” Kurt sighs. He'll have to call Melissa for baby sitter recommendations as he doesn't have time to start interviewing people himself.

“I've used a classmate of my usual sitter before,” Melissa tells him a few minutes later. “They are both studying early childhood development at NYU and she got along quite well with the kids. I can look up her name and number if you want.”

“That would be great. Thanks, Melissa,” Kurt replies as he searches for a piece of paper and a pen.

“And Kurt. I know it's hard to leave them in someone else's care. But you'll go back to work eventually, so you better get used to it. And once you're comfortable with the idea, get a sitter from the time to time and do something nice for yourself. It won't make you a bad parent.”

“Thanks,” Kurt repeats as he writes down the number for a Kathrin Winters, 21 and junior at NYU. “I'll keep that in mind.”

***

Kathrin, please call me Katie, Winters and Lexy hit it off the moment Kurt lets the college student into the apartment a few hours later. There's no crying involved when Katie picks her up and introduces herself and miraculously Katie stays dry when she gives Lexy her bath while Kurt dresses for drinks with the girls.

“All right. You have my number, my friends' numbers and the number of the bar we're meeting at. The number of her doctor is on the fridge should anything happen, and you can call me any time. Usually her bottle and a story should do the trick, but if she won't fall asleep give me a call and I come back,” Kurt instructs her shortly after seven, bundled up in a thick winter coat over stylish black skinny jeans, ankle boots, dark blue button down and black vest. To finish off his outfit, he wraps a thick dark blue woolen scarf around his neck before pressing a kiss to his daughter's chubby cheek.

“I've got this Mr. Hummel, I promise. So enjoy your night out, but give me a call if you miss her.”

Kurt blushes, because he never thought he'd be one of those parents.

“Will do, but only if you call me Kurt. Mr. Hummel is my grandfather.”

Katie nods and Kurt kisses his baby girl once more before allowing the younger girl to push him out of the apartment. Outside it's snowing lightly, but instead of flagging down a cab, Kurt heads down the block to the nearest subway station. He didn't think he'd ever miss the subway, but after five months of only leaving the apartment with a baby in tow, taking the train downtown makes him feel young and reminds him of what life as an aspiring artist used to be like.

***

Kurt discreetly slips Santana twenty dollars shortly after arriving downtown at ‘Le Cirque' because sitting next to Rachel is her ex-boyfriend and former ‘Spring Awakening' co-star Jesse St. James. The pair had met when Rachel had been cast as Wendla in the Broadway revival featuring Jesse as Melchior and they had started dating shortly before opening night. Three months later, she'd moved out of the apartment she shared with Kurt and Santana and five months later she'd shown up at Kurt's new apartment looking for a place to stay until she found her own. They'd all been wary of Jesse because he was basically a male version of Rachel Berry, just as ambitious and driven and without any regards to the feelings of the people who stood between him and his goals. Their relationship had been intense, but it had crashed and burned before their Broadway run was even over and they were all relieved when Rachel announced that Jesse wouldn't be going on tour with the production.

“Jesse, how nice to see you again,” Kurt greets Broadway's newest darling through clenched teeth, lest Jesse mistakes his animosity for jealousy.

Jesse's career had taken off when he'd signed on to workshop an original production instead of going on tour with ‘Spring Awakening' and by the time Rachel had returned to New York, Jesse's production had secured a Broadway theater and the critics couldn't stop talking about Jesse St. James. ‘Butterfly Factory' had been the creator's first musical, but Kurt couldn't for the life of him remember his name.

“Hummel, I'm surprised to see you here. Heard you gave up your career for a baby. Such a shame, because even though it pains me to say so, you were quiet talented,” Jesse replies and Kurt does a double take, because while they'd been civil with each other, Jesse had never said anything nice to him before. Maybe Rachel wasn't the only one who had changed in the past two years.

Before Kurt can think up a reply, strong arms wrap around him and he is lifted off the floor.

“Kurt,” Mercedes squeals loudly before releasing him and Kurt turns on the spot and pulls his friend into tight hug. “It's been forever.”

Mercedes looks like she'd been dressed and coifed by a stylist, and from the corner of his eye he spots a group of girls taking pictures of Mercedes with their cellphones. It strikes him in that moment, that he is the only one in the group who isn't famous, hasn't achieved his goal yet. The people taking the pictures probably think he is Mercedes' or Santana's assistant.

After everyone has hugged everyone, Santana orders a round of shots, which Kurt quickly dumps into the potted plant behind him when she isn't looking. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine, but getting drunk on shots before going home to his child sounds pretty irresponsible. While Rachel recounts the tale of her reunion with Jesse, Kurt lets Mercedes browse the pictures he keeps of Lexy on his phone and dodges questions from Santana about James' whereabouts.

“How long has it been since you've gone out, done something for yourself?” Santana asks after another round of shots. “And your Mommy and Me group doesn't count.”

Kurt doesn't correct her because he knows she doesn't understand why the group is so important to him.

“I'm out with you aren't I?” he deflects. Santana and Brittany share a look.

“That's what I thought and because it's unacceptable here's our offer. Brittany's back from tour and I'm not filming on Thursdays till at least May, so why don't you drop her off at our place every Thursday and let her bond with her favorite aunts while you take care of yourself,” Santana suggests.

Kurt just looks stunned because neither Santana nor Brittany had shown much interest in Lexy after she was born. But this offer is amazing, because Melissa had been right; he'll have to go back to work eventually and in order to get cast in anything music related he'd have to get back to vocal and dance lessons.

“That'd be amazing, Santana. Thanks so much,” Kurt tells her sincerely and kisses Brittany who's sitting next to him on the cheek.

“So, Hummel,” Jesse interrupts. “You have plans to audition any time soon?”

Kurt shakes his head. “Not while Lexy's still so young. And I don't want her to be raised by a nanny, like my husband was.”

“Well like I said, too bad. The guy who wrote ‘Butterfly Factory' is working on a new play right now and he prefers working with newcomers. Do you want me to give you a call once they start auditioning people?”

His first reaction is to say no, but then again, it won't hurt to stay in the loop. And who's to say that this project Jesse's talking about will be finished any time soon. If he ever wants to get back on Broadway, preferably in a leading role, he has to take advantage of all the connections he has these days. Younger Kurt, who hadn't known anyone and had taken whatever part he could to get his equity card and his foot in the door, would strangle him otherwise.

“That would be great Jesse. If his new project is just half as good as ‘Butterfly Factory' I'd love to be a part of it.”

***

“I'm so sorry, Kurt, but the studio called and they need me to come in this afternoon. Brittany's out of town so she can't watch her either. Do you want me to find someone to watch her on set?”

Kurt closes the door to his closet with more force than strictly necessary.

“No that's okay. I'll try and get a sitter. Worst case I have to cancel my lessons and lose the money,” Kurt sighs.

He doesn't want to cancel his lessons, because for one, they are expensive, and secondly, both his voice and dance skills had suffered during his prolonged hiatus. His teachers are certain that with a little bit more training, he'll soon be up for eight shows a week again, but only if he continues his training and doesn't slack again.

“Thanks, Kurt, and give me a call if you want us to watch her on Sunday instead.”

After hanging up the phone and putting Lexy's clothes in her closet, he dials Katie's number, but, sadly, his call is sent straight to voicemail. Kurt takes a deep breath before dialing his husband's number.

“Kurt?”

“I need you to tell your boss that your daughter got sick and you have to go home to take care of her,” Kurt says in lieu of a greeting.

“Is everything okay?” James responds, sounding a bit confused.

“I haven't got anyone to watch her this afternoon and I have class,” Kurt reminds his husband. “So tell your boss you need to leave and watch her until I'm back.”

“Love, I can't just leave. I have an important meeting this afternoon. Can't you reschedule your class?”

“I won't get the money back if I cancel this late.”

“You know we have more than enough, if that's the issue.”

“No, James, the issue is that as always I'm the one who's supposed to reschedule my plans. But not today. I'll trop Lexy off at your office in an hour.”

“Kurt…” James protests, but Kurt hangs up the phone before his husband can talk him out of it.

Lexy is crawling across the living room carpet when Kurt reenters and he scoops her up when she pulls herself up on her feet with the help of his pants.

“Let's go and visit daddy James. How about that?” He tickles her sides as Lexy giggles and repeats, “da da da.”

***

Kurt is let up to the twenty-fifth floor after security calls James' secretary who confirms that Kurt is Mr. Patterson's husband. People stare at him as he pushes Lexy's stroller toward the elevators and a woman in a badly cut business suit goes as a far as getting off the elevator when he gets on. Kurt rolls his eyes, because no wonder that his husband doesn't know what to do with his daughter when he works with people who act as if they've never seen a baby before.

On the twenty-fifth floor, Kurt is met by Linda, James' secretary. They'd met before the previous year at the office Christmas party and Kurt is relieved to see a friendly face.

“Mr. Hummel, I'm sorry but your husband is in a meeting. But I'll be looking after Alexandra while you run your errands if it's all right with you,” Linda offers though Kurt knows she'd been instructed to take care of Lexy whether she wants to or not. But he won't look a gift horse in the mouth, not today.

“I'd very much appreciate it. Everything she needs is in her bag and I should be back around five to pick her up. Maybe you could arrange it so that my husband can leave with me then.”

“I'll see what I can do,” Linda winks and takes Lexy from the stroller.

Kurt glares at his husband's closed office door for a moment before he smoothes back Lexy's silky blond hair and kisses her temple.

“Daddy has to go to class, but daddy's friend Linda will look after you until I get back. Be good, okay.”

Lexy is sucking on her thumb, distracted by the busy office around her, and Kurt slips out before she notices he's gone and makes a fuss about it. Maybe if she screams loud enough, James will have no choice but come and get her, he thinks vindictively as he strolls out of the high-rise building and hails a cab.

***

They get into a huge fight once they are home and Lexy is tucked in for the night.

“I know what you said about having a baby, but I didn't think it meant I'd be a single parent. There's nothing in your company's policy that says you can't take time off for your child and you've already gotten your promotion. So don't tell me you couldn't help me out here, you just didn't want to, because it would have meant having to actually spend time with your daughter,” Kurt yells after making sure that Lexy's sound asleep.

“Well, it's not like she wants to spend time with me. Most times I'm around she starts crying,” James retorts and if Kurt were the plate throwing type he'd throw the ugly china his mother-in-law had given him at his husband.

“Because she doesn't know you. You're just that stranger that stays in our apartment every now and then as far as she is concerned. If you spent more time with Lexy she wouldn't start crying every time she sees you. I really don't get how someone so smart, can be so dumb.”

“I don't know what you want from me Kurt. You and Alexandra, I give you everything. Food, clothes, I bring you gifts every damn time I travel, so don't treat me like I'm a bad husband and father.”

“What I want is for you to get it into your head that we don't want your presents. We want you to spend time with us. So please, James, come home after work when you're in the city and let's be a real family. Let's put our daughter to bed together, let's have dinner together, just let's spend time together.” He doesn't meant to beg, but if the result is a proper family for Lexy, he is willing to do just about everything to achieve it.

James approaches carefully, like you would a deer in the woods, and wipes the tears that managed to escape from Kurt's cheeks before kissing him softly.

“I won't promise you anything, because I hate breaking my promises, but I promise to do my best to be what you need, okay.”

Kurt nods because what else is he supposed to say? No matter how much James gets on his nerves sometimes and how much he hates their current situation, he loves his husband. So he just needs faith that everything will work itself out in the end.