Aftermath

Christmas 2038

"We didnt think things could get worse but when we started to turn on each other, everything fell apart…"

2018

His dad and Carole stayed with them while his stepmother took care of everything. She forced him and Blaine to eat and refused to stay in a hotel to make sure he and Blaine wouldnt do something stupid. All they were allowed to do was give up their bed for his dad and Carole and sleep on the living room floor. They tried sleeping on the couch the first night, but knowing that it had been Finns for the past few weeks they couldnt stay on it.

Instead of leaning on Blaine, he leaned on his parents. He just couldnt look at his fiancé without remembering that it had been Blaine who had introduced Karen to Finn.

They flew back to Lima together three days later for the funeral and while Blaine stayed with him, it didnt make him feel like sharing a bed usually did. Instead he tried his best to get Ethan out of his room and answered his friends texts, doing whatever he could so he didnt have to think about the reason why he was back in his parents house.

It was Blaine who helped his dad pick up the rest of Finns belongings from his apartment while Kurt tried not to fall apart. It just made him feel resentful. Resentful because Blaine seemed to be doing so much better than he was; resentful because even if he didnt say it out loud, he blamed Blaine for Karen.

Even though Finn hadnt lived at home for years now, the door to his room stayed close the days leading up to the funeral, but Kurt thought he heard Carole cry in there when he got up at night because he couldnt sleep. He wanted to take care of her the way she was taking care of him, but he didnt know how.

Instead he drove to the cemetery and talked to his mom. Talking to her had always made him feel better even though its been a long time since she could answer him, but it didnt work. He earned a few stares when he started sobbing, sitting next to her headstone and he felt the urge to scream at them.

"Im so sorry, mom. I should have never brought him to New York. I knew we wouldnt have much time for him, but I thought just spending time with me would help him," he sobbed, expecting Blaine to show up any minute now and take care of him.

But his fiancé never did. It seemed that with Finns death they had forgotten how to take care of one another. Kurt lost count of how much time he spent at the cemetery seeking solace from his dead mother, but when he finally returned home, Carole swept him into her arms, and begged him to never stay out this long again without telling anyone where he was going. It made him feel even worse, knowing that hed caused her to worry about him on top of everything else.

Like the night before no one in the family really touched their food and while Kurt had told his friends he wasnt ready to see them yet, he was glad when Mercedes came by after dinner and he could cry his eyes out in her arms. Mercedes didnt offer platitudes, clearly shaken up as well even though she and Finn hadnt really stayed in touch after high school.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked when Kurt finally calmed down a bit and he immediately shook his head.

He couldnt tell her how much he blamed himself and Blaine because he knew shed try to convince him that it wasnt true. She didnt know the whole story and if she knew he was certain she would blame him as well. He was actually surprised that his dad and Carole werent. Maybe they would once theyve gotten over the shock. Kurt certainly deserved their anger.

When he went to bed later that night, Blaine was already snoring lightly and Kurt lay down as far away from him as possible. He didnt feel like he deserved to be in Blaines arms when Finn would never get to do that again with the person he loved.

The weather on the day of Finns funeral seemed to mock them. It was a beautiful August day, the sun shining down on them with not a cloud in sight. Kurt was surprised by how many people showed up and touched when a large group of high school students filed into the church led by principle Silvester.

Everyone who could make it back to Lima was there. The New Directions old and new, Finns college friends, Carley – after asking Carole for permission – the McKinley teachers and students. Only Mike was missing because he was working for a dance company overseas and Puck, who had become Finns best friend at McKinley and remained it, because he was too heartbroken. Kurt knew that the two of them had been like brothers and Kurt didnt fault him for not feeling strong enough to be there. If it werent for his family, he wasnt sure if he would be here either.

He tuned out while the pastor spoke, never really having felt comfortable in a church, his hands folded in his lap. Blaine had offered his hand and Kurt had to look away so he didnt see his fiancés hurt look when he didnt accept it.

Carole had asked him if he wanted to say a few words and while he had considered it, he decided that ultimately he couldnt do it. He had however decided to sing with the Glee club, after Rachel had suggested Seasons of Love.

Their voices came together seamlessly even though they hadnt sung together in years and Kurt finally slipped his hand into Blaines when they reached the end of the first verse.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?

Blaine took a step forward but Kurt didnt let go of his hand when his fiancé sang the next lines.

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in stride. In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure a year in the live?

They all sang together again before Kurt took a deep breath, pushed the tears back down and focused on what he had learned in years of vocal coaching.

In truths that he learned. Or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned. Or the way that he died.

He didnt even think about changing the pronouns but did subconsciously. When Mercedes finished them off with a killer high note, he finally let go and let the tears fall. Both Carole and his dad were openly crying as well and as he looked around it appeared that there were no dry eyes in the church. His brother had been loved and it drove home that he and his family werent the only ones who had lost someone. No matter what people thought about Finns death, it was tragic. It was way too soon.

His dad invited him to stay after the funeral but he and Blaine both had jobs to get back to. Until Blaine got his trust fun when he turned twenty-five in a few months they couldnt afford to miss a pay check if they wanted to pay for their shoe box sized apartment. His dad and Carole had offered to help them out financially more than once, but even though the shop was doing well and the restaurant was making a profit these days, Kurt knew his parents were still paying the mortgage for the house and the cancer his dad had been diagnosed with three years ago had added to the hospital bills to pay since his dads heart attack.

They didnt talk on the plane back to New York, just like they had barely talked since they had come home from the hospital.

"We need to get rid off the couch," was the only thing Kurt told Blaine as they took the subway back to their apartment.

"You know we cant afford a new one," Blaine reminded him and for some reason it made him unbelievably angry.

"I dont give a fuck about that right now. We dont even own a TV so why the hell do we need a couch," he snapped.

No one even paid any attention to them and Kurt was grateful New Yorker were used to crazy people on the subway.

"Whatever, Kurt. Do what you want. As long as it makes you feel better," Blaine replied.

"Whats that supposed to mean?" Kurt couldnt believe Blaine.

"He was my brother too," Blaine suddenly yelled loud enough to turn a few heads.

Kurt paused, because he hadnt seen it like that before. But now that he thought about it, it was true. They had both met Finn at the same time and had shared a house with him for a year; they had gone on more than one family vacation together over the years; had conspired against their parents together. And even after Blaine had moved in with his mother, he had always been treated like one of the family and Finn had always treated Blaine the same as Kurt.

"Im sorry," Kurt said quietly, but kept staring at his hands. "Youre right, this doesnt just affect me."

"Thank you."

Kurt heard Blaines voice crack and he finally opened his arms to Blaine.

Instead of things getting better between them, they got worse once they had to go back to work. They started fighting, mostly about the most trivial things. And they knew each other so well, they knew how to make it hurt. Kurt accused Blaine of not caring enough when he booked an audition a month after the funeral. Blaine retorted that not both of them could eat their feelings because they were broke for fucks sake.

When Kurt was invited to audition for a role that seemed to have been written for him, he turned it down. Blaine was furious.

"You cant keep doing this to yourself. Finn would want you to be happy," he yelled.

"Well, we dont know what Finn would want, do we? Because you introduced him to a drug addict," Kurt yelled back.

He suddenly understood why people in movies threw plates during fights because he felt the urge to smash something that wasnt Blaines face.

"I may have introduced them but you drove him into her arms with your constant nagging."

"Like you were okay with his behavior," Kurt retorted and put his mug down before he could actually throw it at Blaine.

In all their years together, they had never fought like that and Kurt hated it, but not enough to stop now that they were both saying what they were really thinking.

"I dont know Kurt. Its hard to say no to you when you get really invested in a cause."

Kurt froze because was that really what Blaine thought about him? That he always had to be right. Was Blaine really afraid to challenge him, because if he was then something was seriously wrong with their relationship, more than them falling apart and not knowing how to help the other.

He looked at the silver band around his finger. The one Blaine had put there after their college graduation two years ago. Blaine wore a matching one, the one Kurt had gotten for him, because he didnt want to be the only one to wear an engagement ring. He had barely take it off in twenty-eight month and when he tried to take it off it was as if the ring was fighting him.

Kurt placed it carefully on the coffee table in front of him before he looked up at Blaine. Blaine had paled and was staring at Kurt in shock.

"Is that, do you want to break up? Kurt, please. I know things have been difficult, but youre still the love of my live, my soul mate," Blaine rushed out and Kurt felt like throwing up, just thinking about losing Blaine for good.

"No!" he nearly shouted. "But Im starting to think we still dont know each other well enough to get married and to be honest I need some space before I do something Im really going to regret."

There were tears in Blaines eyes and Kurt had to look away before he snatched up the ring and put it back where it belonged.

"Im gonna ask Rachel if I can stay with her for a few days," he informed Blaine before he ran into their bedroom and hastily threw clothes into a bag.

Blaine still stood frozen on the spot when Kurt returned and Kurt approached him cautiously before he pressed a quick kiss to Blaines cheek.

"Youre not losing me. Im never saying goodbye to you, remember?"

Blaine nodded with tears streaming down his face.

"I love you," Blaine called after him just before he could close the door behind him and Kurt raised his voice to make sure Blaine heard him when he returned the sentiment.

Kurt stayed with Rachel and Jesse for a week and it took his best friend three days to tell him her news.

"Im pregnant," she confided in him as they were sitting on her couch and stuffed their faces with cheesecake. "Almost three months."

"Why didnt you tell me?" Kurt asked before he pulled her into his arms.

"Obviously this was not planned but Jesse and I are still so happy about it. It didnt feel right to make you deal with this so soon after Finn," Rachel explained, her hand resting over the small baby bump Kurt noticed now that he knew it was there.

"But thats good news if youre happy about it. You can always tell me good news Rachel," Kurt assured his best friend.

"Okay then. The good news is that the doctor thinks I can finish the play and Jesse is in the running for a role on Broadway. Not lead but it would pay us enough to move into a bigger apartment. And were probably going to get married after the babys born."

Kurt promptly burst into tears.

"Id offer you our venue had we already picked one."

This time Rachel wrapped him up in her arms.

"Oh Kurt. Im so sorry. I shouldnt have said anything about the wedding. But I know you and Blaine will make it work. You are like Jesse and I, high school sweethearts destined to stay together."

"I really hope so. I miss him so much, but I also dont think I can be near him right now. I just hope hes okay."

"Hes staying with Santana. She and Brittany are off again and she told me she can use the company."

Kurt already knew that because Blaine had texted him to let him know, but he was glad to hear that Santana actually needed him. After all, Blaine lived for making others happy.

"So do you know what youre having?" he changed the subject. Hed offer his help as wedding planer when he could think about the event without bursting into tears. Rachel shook her head.

"Its too early, But Jesse and I, were both hoping for a girl."

Of course they were, Kurt thought fondly.

"I cant wait to meet her," he said instead and meant it. Because a Rachel/Jesse baby was bound to be interesting.

"Actually there was something else we wanted to ask you and Blaine, but its okay if you say no," Rachel continued cautiously and Kurt was definitely intrigued.

"You know Im Jewish and Jesse is an atheist, but we still wanted to ask you to be godparents."

Kurt was touched that they had thought about him and Blaine first but what if he and Blaine didnt stay together. As if she could read his mind, Rachel put her hands over his.

"You and Blaine are going to make it. And Ill tell you daily if I have to until you believe me. Okay?" Kurt nodded slowly.

"Ill have to talk to Blaine first, but Id love to be a godparent," he promised her.

Kurt returned to their apartment after the week at Rachels but Blaine didnt. He texted to let him know that Santana needed him because she was sure this time she and Brittany broke up for good, and Kurt didnt ask him to come home either.

He just went through the motions. He got another shift at the Spotlight Diner to keep him occupied but let the other waiters sing unless his boss was there and he had to. Afterward he wandered around aimlessly, cursing the fact that they couldnt afford to replace the TV after it broke the previous year. He got drunk with Tina when she moved to New York in late October after her breakup with Mike, but when he spent the next morning dry-heaving over the toilet, Blaine wasnt there to rub his back. Instead he held Tinas hair for her when it was her turn to throw up.

To distract himself from Blaines absence and the guilt he still felt over Finns death, he helped Tina pick acceptable roommates, because she couldnt afford her own place either. Tina was a great companion because she didnt force him to talk about his feelings and always shared her ice cream with him.

In early November, his dad called to asked about his plans for Thanksgiving. It would be their first one without Finn and Kurt didnt plan to go back to Lima for it. Blaine had to work, so he knew his boyfriend wasnt going either.

His dad didnt accept him not celebrating with the family and announced that they would come to him instead.

"Dont worry, were going to stay in a hotel, but maybe Ethan could stay with you guys. I think spending time with you would be good for him," his dad explained.

"What about Casey?" Kurt deflected. He didnt want his parents to know that he and Blaine werent living together at the moment.

"They found an aunt of hers whos willing to take her in and Thanksgiving break could be a trial run for them," his dad replied and Kurt knew he would lose this argument. Nevertheless he tried once more.

"We dont have a couch anymore."

His dad didnt ask why, and Kurt was grateful.

"Well think of something."

"All right. Just let me know when youll be arriving," he sighed.

He wanted to see his family, of course he did, but having them all in one room would only highlight that one person was missing. And he wasnt ready for that.

After his dad hung up the phone, he texted Blaine.

"Familys coming for Thanksgiving. Please be here or explain to my dad why you are not."

"Text me when," Blaine replied a few moments later and Kurt told him hed keep him posted.

Blaine arrived home after Carole, Ethan and his dad did, a grocery bag in hand.

"Sorry Im late. There was such a long line," he greeted Kurts family and kissed his cheek.

They both were good actors and right now their education came in handy.

Kurt accepted the bag and shooed Blaine out of the tiny kitchen where he and Carole were preparing dinner.

"Burt, you shouldnt have," he heard Blaine say and assumed his boyfriend had discovered the couch his family had brought along.

It was a pull out, smaller than the one they had, but very comfortable according to Ethan who got to test it at the store.

Kurt focused his attention on the pumpkin pie recipe in front of him and tried to tune out the chatter from the living room. His dad, Blaine and Ethan were watching the game on Blaines laptop, and while they still cheered and booed when the other team scored, Finns absence was palpable.

"Are you and Blaine doing okay?" Carole suddenly asked and Kurt froze for a moment before he smiled at her.

"Its still really hard for both of us, but were okay. Why are asking?" Kurt wondered.

"Neither of you is wearing your rings," Carole observed and Kurt looked down on his naked ring finger.

"I took it off. Nearly lost it inside a Turkey once before," he quipped while trying to come up with a reason why Blaine wasnt wearing his.

"And I took Blaines to the jewelry store where we bought our wedding rings to have it cleaned," he added.

"Dont tell me youve finally set a date?" Carole gushed immediately. "Who would have thought that you would end up being engaged for three years."

"We dont," Kurt informed her quickly. "We just saw the rings and had to buy them."

That much was true. They had bought their wedding bands nearly a year ago.

"Okay. Just let us know when you set a date. And Kurt. You can always come to us. No matter whats going on, okay?"

Kurt nodded. Judging by the way Carole looked at him, he wasnt such a good actor after all.

After Carole and his dad departed for their hotel, he and Blaine took Ethan on top of the Rockefeller Center. His younger brother had visited New York before but it was the first time Carole and his dad allowed him to be out at night, and Kurt hadnt had it in him to say no when Ethan had asked.

He and Blaine held hands because they didnt want Ethan to think anything was wrong – and because Kurt had missed holding his boyfriends hand – and after saying good night to Ethan, they went to bed together for the first time since their fight and the end off their engagement.

When Blaine opened his arms for him, Kurt didnt hesitate to move closer and rest his head on Blaines chest. For a while he just listened to his boyfriends steady heartbeat but suddenly it wasnt enough anymore. He was done with feeling numb; desperate to just feel anything but apathetic.

Blaine didnt argue when Kurt pushed him down and smashed their lips together. They stripped off their clothes quickly, before they fucked. They had to keep it down for Ethans sake and Kurt was glad Blaine didnt talk like he usually did because he wanted to concentrate on just feeling.

"Please stay after my parents leave," he pleaded when they were done. "Dont leave me alone here. I need you. Even if I have a hard time showing it."

They held each other tight and Kurt didnt let go of Blaine until he promised to stay.

Ethan wouldnt look them in the eye the next morning, leading Kurt to believe they hadnt been as quiet as they thought after all. Thankfully, the fifteen-year old didnt say anything to their parents when they came by to pick the three of them up for breakfast, but Kurt still felt bad about it.

It was the first time in years that he skipped black Friday shopping, but Carole wasnt in the mood either and Ethan thought it was uncool to go shopping with his parents in typical teenager fashion. Instead the family took a walk through Central Park after breakfast and watched Ethan ice skate.

Like he promised, Blaine didnt return to Santanas apartment after his parents left and after talking it over with him, Kurt called Rachel to tell her that theyd be happy to be godparents.

Two weeks before Christmas, Blaine got offered a role in an off Broadway play. Kurt tried not to resent him for it, because he knew Blaine worked hard and deserved to be successful. It wasnt his boyfriends fault that Kurt hadnt auditioned for anything since Finns death. So he congratulated Blaine and suppressed any negative feelings as well as he could.

They didnt fight as much as they did before, but they were also nowhere near okay again. It felt like neither dared to speak his mind, afraid to start another fight and ruin the relationship for good.

Christmas Eve, Kurt finally broke down. Blaine had elected to spend the night with his mother, his cousin Sunshine and his moms boyfriend Peter at Peters house in Dayton and when Kurt had offered to accompany him, Blaine had told him it was okay if he didnt.

When Carole asked him later that night while they were doing the dishes why he wasnt with Blaine and if he was sure he was okay, he fell into her arms and started to cry.

"Nothing feels right anymore," he sobbed. "I broke off the engagement and it feels like were not even a couple anymore even though we didnt break up."

Carole let him cry in her arms until he managed to calm down.

"Just, how do you and Dad do it? How do you support the other when youre both hurting." Maybe it helped that they didnt have to blame themselves.

"Lets sit down, honey," Carole told him and led him upstairs to his room.

"Your dad and I, weve been seeing a grief counselor since after the funeral. Sometimes together and sometimes on our own," she continued when they sat next to each other on his bed.

"Is it helping?" Kurt asked and whipped his nose with the sleeve of his shirt.

"It helps to have someone to talk to who isnt involved. It doesnt magically take the pain away, but its been helping us deal," Carole explained, a pained smile on her face. "Maybe thats something you and Blaine should think about as well. Couples counseling or individual counseling. Theres nothing wrong with asking for help."

Therapy. Kurt had never actually considered it. Social services had offered counseling to him after his mother passed but with the sudden move to Texas it had never happened. And after Finns tragic death his thoughts had been somewhere else. He didnt know what Blaines thoughts on the subject were but if it was going to help them move forward in their relationship and deal with their guilt it was worth to give it a shot.

"Ill talk to Blaine about it. Thank you Carole."

"You want us to go to couples counseling?" Blaine repeated when Kurt brought up the subject the next morning after they exchanged gifts with his family. Kurt nodded.

"Carole suggested wed try grief or couples counseling," he explained, his eyes trained on Blaines face.

Blaines shoulders slumped but he nodded.

"I think its clear that we cant deal with it on our own, but can we afford it?"

Kurt thought about it for a moment. Neither of their jobs afforded them health insurance and he wasnt sure if the plan they were paying for would cover for therapy.

"Youll get your trust fund money in about a month. Im sure my parents or your mom would loan us the money so we dont have to wait till then."

Asking for money was never easy but this was for their future and Kurt could swallow his pride for it.

His parents counselor suggested a colleague in New York and Kurt set up an appointment for the second of January. After speaking with the grief counselor for more than an hour, she recommended theyd take up couples counseling as well, just as Carole had suggested.

They were both mentally exhausted after the first session, but it felt good to get certain things off his chest. After the first joint session he and Blaine went on their own and Kurt never asked what Blaine talked about in those meetings. Instead they talked things through with the couples counselor they saw once a week.

It was her who suggested a fresh start after Blaine received his second trust fund on his twenty-fifth birthday. With the help of a realtor they found a new apartment. A little closer to the city but not much bigger than the one they had spent the past two and a half years in. After all, they still needed to save money until at least one of them made it big.

After seeing a therapist for a few weeks, Kurt went on his first audition since July. He wasnt surprised when he didnt get a call back but he was finally ready to start living his life again.

Blaine didnt fare much better. Even though the reviews had been good, he hadnt found a new job after the play he was in closed.

It was an evening spent with cheesecake, ice cream and a bottle of wine to commiserate their lack of success when they came up with the idea to write their own musical. Blaine was a good composer, having written the music for original plays in college and after minoring in composition and Kurt had always enjoyed writing short stories and one act plays.

His dad had told him once that if he wasnt right for the roles out there, then maybe he had to create his own. Maybe it was time to follow his dads advice.

Christmas 2038

"So wait; Papa proposed after college and you were engaged forever. And then you werent engaged for years until Dad proposed?" Alex asks and Blaine nods.

"Youve heard the story of Dad proposing to me. Dont you want to hear about the time we wrote Seasons of Love.

Ella, Alex and Jake shake their heads. Well, Blaines not going to argue with them. After all, its surprising they are still here now that they have electricity again.

"Ive been thinking about marrying your dad for a long time before I actually proposed, but once our college graduation was right around the corner I knew it was time."