Two days went by. The loneliness Kurt felt for the last few days increased. Even though he wasn’t alone, Blaine didn’t speak to him. He felt stuck, but this time he knew the outside world thought he was gone. He was more lost than he ever could be. Locked away on his own, with the one person who knows he lives here with him. Locked, not only in this room but also in this world.  

Nothing seems to matter anymore. Whatever he does, no one will know it. If he dies, no one will notice the difference. If he somehow survives, he’ll be living a lie.

“How do you do that?” Kurt had to ask. Blaine was the only to survive from his team, he must feel something similar to what he feels now. How does he deal with the loneliness, being alone for so long, having to deal with the death of so many and having only himself to be with.

Blaine looked at him confused. He looked at the meal he was preparing from the food supply and looked back, as if asking if making dinner was the question he meant to ask.

“How do you deal with everything?  Your friends, your family, being so far away from you?”

Blaine looked up to Kurt, his face blank as normally. A small smile escaped him. It disappeared fast.

“I don’t.”

He walked over to Kurt, sat down in a chair next to his and stared forward.

They stayed still for a while. Both staring forward, looking in the emptiness of the room, with memories sourcing through their minds.

“I’ve lost so much, that it all doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

After saying that, Blaine went on. Without hesitation he talked on. About how he became a spy, his family. He seemed to want to tell this to someone for so long, and now, he could.

“If you’re asked to be a spy, they give you two options: you live on your life, with the probability you’ll bring your family in danger or you’re wiped off this world, making everyone who is dear to you think you’re dead. I chose the second one. It didn’t matter to me.

My family always preferred my brother. He was perfect and I was everything wrong. There was nothing I could do right.

One day, my brother had to pick me up from school. My parents said I had to walk home, because I was such an idiot to miss the bus. Cooper heard this, and didn’t want me to make an two hour walk home in the pouring rain. With the disapproval of them, he picked me up. He cared for me, he was the only one. We were almost home, when it happened. A car, driving way too fast hit us. Cooper died, I lived. I was fourteen. There is nothing much more horrific for a mind than hearing your parent say: ”Why not you, you little piece of shit. You should be the one in the coffin. I should kick you in one, but that would be a loss of energy. Because that is what you are.  A waste of space.” I wanted it all to end. I went to the place me and Cooper went, if we wanted to think. It was a cliff, close to home. The view was beautiful, so endless. Most of the times, I talked with him about how I wanted to jump, and let it all end. He always stopped me, saying I was worth so much more and shouldn’t let myself get down. This time, there was nothing to stop me.

 Just before I wanted to jump, someone said I shouldn’t. It would be a waste of someone so talented. We talked for about an hour. And he offered me a job where everything would be better. Where I could start over. I accepted.

They faked my death and told my parents I killed myself. That the pain of losing my brother was too big.

I visited my own funeral, out of curiosity. A lot of other spies also do it, to say their final goodbyes to their lives. I did it to see the pain in my parents eyes I hoped to see. When I got there, my parents where the only ones there. No one came. No one cried.

It made me stronger. I knew my family didn’t mourn me.

I turned out to be the best in the training. I wasn’t emotionally attached, that made it easier.

The mission came to kill Rivali. About ten other spies were called up. Two years we spent to find out everything we could. I went, together with someone else, undercover. Those guys had all their stories and through all our differences, we became friends, or at least something that was close enough to friends for me.

I saw them all getting slaughtered in front of my eyes, and I knew there was nothing for me to do, except to fulfill the mission and kill Rivali.”

Blaine turned his head to Kurt. Tears were streaming down Kurt’s face and Kurt could see Blaine was trying to hold in his.

They held their gaze. Kurt felt sorry for him. As he was whining over how lost he felt, Blaine must’ve had a loneliness greater than anyone could ever know.

“I don’t deal with anything, because I have nothing.”