Sept. 1, 2013, 9:04 a.m.
Still My Bestfriend: Chapter 21
T - Words: 2,946 - Last Updated: Sep 01, 2013 Story: Complete - Chapters: 22/22 - Created: Jun 03, 2013 - Updated: Apr 13, 2022 249 0 0 0 1
The car slowly makes it's way to Kurt's building, gliding over the concrete road as it passes car after car. My mind is in a confused tornado, swirling with contradicting thoughts. I keep telling myself to ignore the nagging voice at the back of my head- telling me to clear my conscience, telling me to get an answer before we depart- but what if my instincts prove to be right? What if- what I've been suspicious about for a while now is indeed true? Then I'll lose him.
"We're here, sir," Paulo, a driver I hired to take me and Kurt to the airport tells me.
I see Santana standing by the sidewalk, holding on to a couple of luggages that are probably Kurt's. I emerge from the vehicle and she pulls a weak smile at my way. "Is he still upstairs?" I ask.
"Yup, still packing in those ridiculous and loud clothes of his. These are just quarter of this things by the way," she tells, pointing to the three luggages.
"Ah, that's fine. Whatever he needs," I say.
"Parker, can I ask you something?" Santana says, tilting her head.
"Urm- sure, but you can call me Gabe, you know?"
"I know that, but I can't take you seriously when your name rhymes with your orientation," she wavers. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you, and this might be a little personal, but given you're taking him away for two years, I feel like maybe as his friend, I need to know this," she breathes in. "Why do you love Kurt?"
"Pardon?" I say, straining my ears a little.
"Why do you love Hummel," she ask.
I contemplate her question, while she looks at me expectantly. Finally, I decide to just pour it all out. "I love him because he makes me feel complete, and I know that is the single most cliché shit you can say about a person, but ever since my mother died, there's just this huge- void, that I've never been able to fill, at least until I met Kurt. He makes me feel whole again."
"That's a very- profound way to feel about someone," she says, a small smile on her lips.
"I've never loved anyone more than I've loved Kurt."
"Then can you do me, and frankly yourself, a favour?" she ask. "Make sure he loves you, just as much as you love him, before you venture to Italy, okay?" she says and she pulls a weaker smile now before she tugs the luggages to the trunk of the car.
The building door opens, and Kurt steps out followed closely by Rachel. He looks sullen and I wonder if it's because he's leaving his friends, or that he doesn't want to come with me. As he wraps his friends into hugs, I can't help but to feel like a villain, prying him away from his friends- his home.
We climb into the car, and as he shuts the door, his gaze is still set outside the window as we drive away from the two girls who wave sadly at Kurt. He does not say much as we pull away, but he looks out the window, savouring every skyscraper of New York City as we drive, head fast to JFK airport.
Why do I feel so- cynical, almost like a villain. He just feels so resistant, not wanting to leave but is forced to against his own freewill. But he agreed to come with me, right? He said so himself, but if he wants to so much, why does the energy in this damn car feel so tensed- almost like I'm forcing him to.
I love Kurt- so much. Do I want him in my life forever? Hell yes, without a doubt in my mind, but I also want him to want to come with me, and not because he feels like he has to. God, this nagging won't stop. I need an answer. I need an answer so badly, but at the cost of possibly losing him forever? Do I want to risk that?
The car comes to a halt outside of the airport, and just as Kurt reaches for the knob, I know I need an answer- and I know that I have to risk this.
"I can't do this," I say and he spins so quickly I was afraid he might break his neck.
"What?" he utters shakily.
"I can't do this," I say it again, wishing I was selfish enough to simply let him come with me, without clearing up my doubts.
"What do you mean-"
"I need to ask you something, and I want you to answer it truthful," I say, and a scared look falls upon his face. "Do you love me?"
"What?" Kurt frowns as if it's the last question he had expected.
"Do you love me," I ask again.
"Gabe- what are you trying to do?"
"Why are you coming with me, Kurt?" I press on, ignoring his counter.
"What is this? Why are you questioning me all of this? I'm here, aren't I? We're here and we're about to leave-"
"I just need an answer-"
"Why?" he says and I hear his tone of voice- afraid.
"Because since the second I asked you, you acted all weird about it and for awhile I thought there was no chance in hell that you would come with me, then one night you just show up at my doorstep and say yes. I want to know why-"
"Gabe, why are you doing this?"
"Just answer me!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?" I ask, and his head falls into his palms. He sobs and my heart breaks every time he stifles his nose.
"You don't love me, do you?" I say, and the words are so heart breaking to come to terms with, but as I say them out loud- my fear since the day I saw them kiss at that spin the bottle game becomes so real. "You don't love me. You're in love with Blaine."
He sobs quietly into his palms, and in nature- my love for him, I want to wrap him into my arms and kiss him and tel him everything will be okay, but this is beyond me.
"I didn't- know I did," he says through the muffles of his sobs. "Not until- not until I slept with him," he admits and I swear someone could have punctured my brain with a pocket knife and it still wouldn't hurt as much as this.
"When did it happen," I ask, trying my hardest to not simply crumble at this bit of information.
"A few months ago," he tells me. "It was the night I found out that NYADA wasn't going to expel me, and he was there- and it just sort of..happened," Kurt tells. "I'm so sorry."
Breathe, Parker. Somewhere in your gut, you knew. Somewhere in your gut, when he became less passionate in times of intimacy, you've always wondered. Now you got your answer, two answers at that. I wish I had never asked, but I knew I couldn't just embark on this journey with Kurt- without knowing the truth.
"I haven't been completely honest either," I tell him, trying my hardest to even stay alive. His head snaps upward, and he looks at me with blue eyes that are filled with tears. Tears of shame, I think.
"Wh- what do you mean?" he ask, in a voice so timid.
I take a deep breath, and brace myself for the truth I am about to let out. You can do this, Gabe. This will no doubt change everything- everything will come to light, and Kurt will see now the person he truly is meant to be with. I love him that much.
"On valentines day, it wasn't me that planned all those things for you, that you said made you fall in love with me," I tell, and I notice Kurt shifting slightly in his seat. "It was Blaine. It was all Blaine's idea. He knew you from your gut to your skin, he knew everything that was needed to know about you, and I did exactly what he told me would make you swoon, and you did."
"Wh-what?" Kurt says, disbelief riddled in his speech. "It was- Blaine?"
"It was Blaine that told me to take you to the Empire State Building, Blaine who told me your favourite type of dessert. It was Blaine- that knew exactly how to put a smile on your face, and maybe you didn't see it then, but I'm telling you now. You fell in love with Blaine then, not me," I tell. "I only came to him because I needed- help, to make the valentines day special for you, but ultimately you fell for the gestures suggested by Blaine, not me."
He does not say anything, but rather looks at me with transfixed, doleful eyes. It's as if he lost his sense of articulation, but I don't blame him. I would be shocked beyond my wildest imaginations too if I knew that the reason why I fell for a guy, was because of someone else who knew me from top to bottom. I would lose my ability to speak to, if I found out the epitome moment I've held on to for so long, turns out to be an ultimate lie.
"The time I cheated for you on your test, and I was stupid enough not to come forward and was willing to stand by and let you take the heat?" I say, because I want the truth all on the table- right now. Maybe his decision will still vary after this, but fat chance. "Blaine came down to my office the next day, and forced me to come forward. I was hesitant, and it was stupid of me, but I prioritised my career first back then, but Blaine made me realize that you were more important, but the ultimately- he saw that you were more important than anything before I did."
"Wh- why are you telling me all this?" Kurt says shakily.
"Because I need you to know, and I need you to decide. I cannot, in good conscience, pretend that I haven't been suspicious about you and Blaine and simply just get on a plane and head on to Italy with you. I need to know for a fact, that you love me, but now I see that you don't," I say to him.
"But- but how come Blaine never told me all of this?" he ask, confused.
"Because I told him not to," I say. "Because I knew that if he did, you would see that you're meant to be with him, and not me. I manipulated your feelings, Kurt, and for that- I am sorry."
"I think we both did our fair share of manipulation," Kurt says.
"Now it begs the question," I say. "Why are you here, Kurt? Why are you coming with me, when you're not in love with me?" I ask.
He is silent, his head falls, eyes distant- far from this universe even. This whole situation is twisted in so many ways, and I am still so broken and shattered after hearing that Kurt had slept with Blaine while he was still with me, but a part of me always knew. Is that why it's not exactly eating me up into shards inside?
"Kurt," I say, and he turns to me. "Why are you coming with me if you're not in love with me?"
He inhales deeply, and whatever truth he is about to tell, my brace myself with every shield in my armoury. It's going to sting, but love is when you learn to let go, and right now, I think it's time I prepare to let go.
"I'm going with you, because the person I love does not love me back and I know it sounds horrible but I just- I don't know what to do," he says. "I thought that- I thought maybe if I went away, with you, I would learn to fall back in love with you like how I was at the beginning of our relationship and forget..Blaine. God I feel like the worst person in this world," he says.
Yup, it stung. I sigh, feeling so rejected. Should I have kept my mouth shut and just take it that he does love me and get on that bloody plane? Frankly, no. At least now I know his true feelings- at least now I have the answers I've been questioning to myself lately. It is better now, than if we had actually gone to Italy together, and all his feelings surfaces then, but now it's time that I reveal to Kurt his ultimate game changer. What I know, for a fact, that I will lose him if I tell.
"Blaine is in love with you," I say, and his head snaps once more. "I asked him yesterday, before he left, but he denied having any feelings for you, but I see it in his eyes. He's mad for you, Kurt. I know he has been for awhile now. He denied it, because he wants what he thought you wanted- which is me, but it's not. You want him, and he wants you too."
"You don't know that-"
"I do," I say. "Trust me, I do. Because I know what it's like to be in love with you, and I see the same things I feel in his eyes. He loves you, Kurt."
He stares longingly at me, and I know in his mind that he's contemplating a decision right now, but the decision has been made. I know for a fact that Italy is now out of the picture for him.
"So what happens now?" Kurt ask timidly.
"You go to him," I say. "You go to him, and you go get the guy that you're in love with."
"But Gabe-"
"But nothing," I say and I shuffle closer to him. "I love you- so much, Kurt Hummel, and I want what is best for you, and what is best for you is not Italy, nor is it me. It's Blaine. He knows how to take care of you, and he loves you beyond words. I know that, and I've seen him put those words he kept hidden and quiet, into actions. Love means being selfless, putting the person you love before yourself- Blaine taught me that, and right now..I'm putting you before the feelings I have for you. Go to him, and get him. That's how much I love you."
A single tear travels down his cheek, but he dares not to look me in the eyes, but that's okay, because he knows I am right, and I know I am right. I stare at this boy, this beautiful blue eyed boy that I love beyond the point of sanity, but the feelings are not mutual here, though I wish so badly that they were.
"What about you?" Kurt ask.
"I'm going to Italy, and I'm going to try to tell myself that I sent you off to your happy ending, but trust me when I say that I will never forget you. Being with you- has been the happiest I've been, but I cannot be happy, unless I know you are," I lean forward, because I want just one last feeling of his lips on mine. I kiss him, with every passion that I have, because this is our goodbye- no matter how much I don't want it to be, I know that it is.
"You've always said to not let Blaine come in between us," Kurt says when we part from the last kiss we will probably share together. "I'm sorry that I allowed him to."
"See, the thing is," I sigh, grazing his jaw with the tips of my fingers. I am going to miss this proximity, and the feeling of his skin so soft on my fingertips. "Blaine never did come in between us. I think I came in between you and Blaine."
"I wish what I felt for you in the beginning- never left," he says.
"Me too," I say, and it has to be the most painful thing in the whole wide world. I shuffle back from him, and grab my carry on bag. I turn and he looks at me with sad, tear-filled eyes. But I know this is the right thing to do, because he doesn't feel for me anymore.
"Gabe?" he says, and I turn just before I am about to shut the door.
"Don't be a jerk to any baristas, okay?"
A small smile pulls across my face as I reminisce the first time I met Kurt. "I might be, because the last time I was, it led me to you."
I savour a last sight of those beautiful blue eyes, before I close the door and begin my journey to the next chapter of my life. I will always remember Kurt, because he was the first person who made me feel like I will be okay again after feeling so empty from losing my mother, but this time- losing the person I love the most feels different.
When I loss my mother, she was taken from me so unexpectedly, and it made me so empty inside- a void so big I thought nobody could ever fill, until I met Kurt. This time, I am losing another person that I've poured my heart to, but this particular time, he isn't being taken away from me. I set him free, I pointed him to his right route. I made him- happy, and somehow it gives me a sense of satisfaction that even though it isn't me that he will be sharing his happily ever after with, at least I know that he is indeed happy, and that he will be sharing his ending with someone who truly knows how to keep him happy.
"Hello sir," the woman behind the counter says as she checks my ticket. "I hope you haven't left anything behind?"
"Not something that should be with me," I say.
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