"Finn, Im serious! Does this look good on me?" I ask my brother, doing a spin to make sure he can look at every inch of my outfit. I dont know why I bother. I dont actually care for Finns opinion because his taste in fashion is white t-shirts and jeans. He doesnt give me the decency of his attention but rather has his eyes fixed on the screen of his gaming device. I exasperate and snatch it out of his hands. Now his eyes are in crazy rage. He snaps and ask what I want. "Black sweater or navy?"

"Black," he tells me, so I go for the navy. Its better, actually, seeing as tonight is an important night, one that has filled my stomach with nerves and has made me do irrational things like seek Finns opinion on fashion choices. Blaine loves the color blue, and his reason is because theyre the color of my eyes. Im hoping that once I tell Blaine my news, this sweater would make things less tensed. When the doorbell rings, I tell my father to get it and quickly retreat to my room. I look as good as I can look. Im hoping to gain some muscle because in the exponentially growing body expectations of the world, skinny for guys just isnt enough.

When I descend the stairs, there he stands, the boy I love, at the bottom of the steps with his perfectly slicked back hair and a smile that brings me to my knees. Sometimes when I see him, I have this urge to jump onto him and attack him with a soul sucking kiss. Ive been told that is love, so that means Im in love with him. "Hey baby," he whispers into my ear when he reaches to kiss my cheek, being respectable with my father around. My father tells me to be home before 11PM and we quickly leave the house, jump into his car and kiss the way we actually do when we see each other - with my nails digging into the back of his neck and his arms pulling me closer to him by my waist. "I could kiss you all day, you know that?" he breathes onto my lips and I sigh into his embrace.

Then I remember that how much my heart depends on him is going to make telling him all the more difficult. I dont know how he would react, but being the person I know he is, hes going to be happy for me - but to what extent? I fear that all good things come to an end is merely a theory, not a fact, because this particular good things is something I want to continue with forever. Blaine takes us to Limas local sandwich diner. I love it here. Theyve kept a very retro theme and it is not to be contrived but because it has been around for a long time. They serve the best meatball sandwich, and it is also the first place Blaine and I went to for our first date. Weve dined here more times than I can count. He always chooses to sit next to me at the booth because he can tangle his feet with mine and hold my waist the entire time. I pretend that hes being annoying, but I secretly love the way he makes me feel. Like Im beauty in his eyes.

"What do you think would be the theme of our wedding?" he spontaneously ask. I pretend to be deep in thought when Ive actually given a lot of thought about it. "Maybe somewhere on the beach. I love sunsets." I tell him. The idea resonates well with him and I secretly picture us in slick cream colored tuxes that match the sand, exchanging our I will love you forevers. Then the thought of having to tell him of my news makes me nervous again and I deduce that I have to tell him now. "How was Northwestern?" I ask. Blaine went off for a short college visiting trip with his dad. Hes been talking about Northwestern since forever and now that were in our senior year of high school, dreams have morphed into realities.

"It was amazing," tells Blaine. The passion in his tone is already slowly eating away at me. "I met with one of the professors who told me about all these successful writers who have gone on to do incredible things like writing for Vanity Fair and one working at the White House, handling press! The environment was great too. There were students studying on the grass and all the clubs available is just - it blew me away." I smile at every facet of his excitement because his smile always makes stronger, albeit for now, it kills me. "I even checked out the design department. Youll love it. Im thinking we can wrangle a dorm together. Would save us some money from buying two single sheets."

I pull a small smile that took a lot of strength to even produce. I dont know why I ever thought I could ever get anything past Blaine. He knows me sometimes more than I know myself. He genuinely ask me whats wrong and my stomach clenches into a tensed, terrified ball but I know that the longer I prolonged my news, the worst it would get when it finds the light on its own. Secrets always have a way of coming out. "I have something to tell you, and I dont know how you would react to it." I can see the fear in his beautiful eyes and it kills me that I might hurt him. "I got accepted into New Yorks School of Design." I tell him. His smile fades even further and it is like somebody plunged a dagger into my soul and twisted it for more affect. I reach for his hand and clasp it into mine, then he pulls me into a death hug and screams, "Congratulations!" right into my ear. "Im so proud of you!"

I am momentarily perplexed. I had a preconceived idea of how this was going to transpire before me, but his genuine excitement was not one of them. In some rational state of mind, I knew he would try to feign happiness, but this is pure joy and it brings light to my life. "Thats an amazing opportunity! Youve always said you were born a New Yorker, bred in Lima." He pulls away and plants a kiss onto my lips that blooms into a secret desire for him to stay there. "Youre not - upset?" I timidly ask, afraid that this happy flame would burn out because candles have limits too, even those that emit the finest scent. He takes a second and toys around with the strap of my wrist watch, his fingers tracing my veins as if it were a geographical map. "I guess it does suck that we wont share a dorm together, but New York is your dream. Why else would you decorate your room with the theme of a subway station?" My heart flutters like a shy butterfly and all I want is to cup his chin and whisper I love you to him.

"Isnt it your dream for us to go to college together?" I say. He smiles coyly and pulls my forehead to rest onto his. I see the sun glow in his eyes, under a canopy of long lashes. Every day I find more beautiful attributes of this boy who has stolen my heart. Love is not about knowing, its about discovering. "My dream is for you to be happy, at all cost," he says before he fills the gap between us and obliterates all the worries I had and made me realize that this - us - is possible.

My whole body jolts and I let out a searing cough. I cant quite picture the faces hovering over me, all I see are vague, dark silhouettes. My throat feels like it is trying to recover from having hot coal smeared all over its airways. When I try to pull myself up, I only fall backwards onto the damp sand. I feel waves crashing and retreating on my feet but I cannot bring myself to move. Then the voices fill my ears. They are muffled and incoherent at first, then they slowly start to be crystal. "Wake up, lady Hummel! Its too late for Rachel to find a maid of honor!"

I flutter my eyes over and over again before I slowly try to get to an upright position with a few hands helping me. My whole body feels as if it had been dumped into a washing machine, on super clean mode set for 3 hours. Every part of me feels bruised in some way. "Look at me," a voice I recognize as Blaines. I have no strength to fight him as he holds my jaw and forces me to look into him. "Does any part of your body hurts?" he ask. When I dont answer, he shakes my head and stares right into my soul. I cant find my voice to say no, so I mouth it to him but he still looks dead worried. "Im going to take him to the hospital." He says, and that is when my strength returns back to me and I refuse. I push his hand away and grab Santanas hand to pull myself up even though the ground has tilted like the vertical runway.

"Kurt, CPR alone doesnt save you," he tells me. I tell him Im fine, as convincing as I can because, albeit I might be making a reckless medical decision here, I dont want to be around Blaine. Not right now, not when the monumental pain I feel is not physical. I tell Santana to help me back to the house, and feel the cornered eyes of my peers watching me as I limo away, glad that Im drenched enough to hide my tears. "Im not a doctor or anything, sure sometimes I dress up as one for pleasure, but Im pretty sure the best decision here is to go to the hospital."

"Your opinions are dressed up too," I manage out of my coarse throat. Contrary to what she thinks and what my body is telling me, almost drowning wasnt what was suffocating me. What was suffocating was whatever time travelling whirlpool that sucked me back into what was once Blaines declaration of love for me. My brother catches up to me and he replaces Santanas role. He tries to talk me into going to the hospital, spouting out all these medical terms that I dont understand, much less him. I know this is Blaine whispering in his ears so I ignore him.

Funny, you would think almost dying is the worst thing to happen. The worst thing to happen is what led you to almost dying. When we reach the patio, I tell Finn to leave me but he doesnt. Instead he just sits across from me and watches me with his doe eyes. I know that I need to go to the hospital, Im not an idiot, but I cant be around Blaine. Not when I feel absolutely deceived by him - again. My mind wanders off to get sucked into that whirlpool again.

"Ill probably kiss the Empire State once I get there," I tell Rachel. She indulges me in my excitement for New York. Two weeks from today, Im going to be strolling on the pavement of the busiest stress of the world. The thought is exhilarating, to leave behind the serene suburbia for a life in the city that never sleeps. I cant wait to be around an environment that reeks of opportunities. Clearly Ive watched too many New York based movies. "So hows Blaine doing - with you guys going to separate schools?" ask Rachel. My excitement deteriorates and it doesnt escape her sight as I stop in my raid for more clothes to pack into my luggage.

"Hes excited too," I tell her but even I can hear how flat my words are. I know I can tell Rachel almost anything, but the almost boundary does not cross to Blaine. I dont like talking about my relationships, I value the secrecy of two people who love each other, but my insides are burning for a subjective take so when Rachel ask whats wrong, the words tumble out of me like an avalanche on a steep mountain. "He was excited for me at first, but now hes just silently supportive. When Im talking about New York, he just listens and smiles. I get that its going to be hard living apart, but we love each other. Is his faith in our relationship that slim?" I ask.

Im not asking for much. When I first told him about New York, he was more excited than I was. His exact words were that he wanted my happiness, but does he not realize that my happiness hinges on him too? Love is a balancing beam after all. Rachel considers my worries and I sit on my legs waiting for her to say out my fortune. I trust her take on love since she and Finn are my very definitions of true love. "Maybe he doesnt want to upset you? He wants your happiness, but maybe he never understood the cost until you started talking about leaving and now the future is no longer a surreal idea. Now its knocking on his door and hes terrified."

"So what should I do?" I desperately ask. Ive read the statistics of long distance relationships and they are abysmal. I never want to contribute to that analysis. I want to be the poster couple against it, and I love Blaine. With all of my heart and soul. "You should go to him and profess your undying love for him. Tell him that no distance can tear your heart from him. Be romantic because hes afraid of you slipping away. Assure him youre not going anywhere."

The more Rachel tries to convince me of Blaines sudden selective silence, the more I feel the need to throw myself to him and promise him that no distance can make him a stranger to my heart. I am suddenly overcome with fear - fear that we cant survive this because I havent moved yet, and already I feel like hes slipping away from me. I jump to my feet and grab a jacket to throw over my pajamas before I race up the stairs with Rachel close in my shadows, asking where I am going in a panic. She jumps in the car with me and we race to Blaines house.

"Youre right. He needs to know that nothing is going to change," I tell her. She doesnt say anything in response but mouths that Im a little irrational but finds it surprising that guys are romantic too. There is this unspoken belief that when youre romantic, youre a girl or guys are effeminate. People dont understand that romanticism has nothing to do with gender roles or a gender identity. Its a type of person, and I for one believe in romantic gestures. I pull my car into Blaines driveway and tell Rachel to wait here.

My heart is beating rapidly in my chest. Ive never been one for big romantic gestures. Now I know why theyre always shot close to the end of a movie because running to the one you love to save your relationship fills you with an unprecedented, indescribable feeling. I must have rang the doorbell a couple of thousand times before Blaines mother pulls open the door. She has never been my biggest fan, but in my state of breathlessness, shes suddenly intrigued. "Im sorry to bother you, Mrs Anderson, but is Blaine around?" I ask. It hasnt even registered in my brain on whether Blaine would be present or not but in times of adrenaline, even the sky is not a considerable factor. She eyes me in the way she always does - suspiciously and passing blatant judgement. "Hes around back in the pool house." She tells me. I dont ask for her permission because I know she would pull out a poor excuse out of her ass so I go around the house and climb over the backyard door. Ive been at Blaines pool house many times, but often without his parents knowledge.

When I push the door open, my heart ready to surrender to him forever, I find him coiled on the couch with some stranger. When he sees me, he is horrified and I hear the resounding shatter of my soul.

"You alright, Hummel?" ask Sam, pulling me out of the whirlpool. He eyes me with concern, and that is when I realized that on top of being drenched, cold and still partially breathless, I am also crying. I cannot comprehend how Ive managed to let him get to me again. This whole time Ive been lying to myself and now I see the truth that once youve surrendered your whole heart to someone, there is no turning back. "Lets get you inside," says Sam. He wraps a blanket around me and leads me inside the house. I dont fight him away because I am so worn out by my entire mind that I feel unconsciously awake. Sam leads me to my room and shuts my balcony door so Im not shaking from the cold. "You should shower, then relax. Almost drowning has to feel pretty traumatic." Its funny how that isnt my heaviest baggage right now. The box Ive unleashed is now clinging onto my back like a demon. "Is there anything I can get you? Tea or something?" ask Sam when he crouches in front of me.

Before I can rationalize myself, I lean forward and force my lips onto his. I dont understand what Im doing, all I know is that I cant suffocate anymore. Sam pulls away and for a split second, the voices inside my head scream in question, but when Sam pushes me backwards and presses his lips onto mine, I am thoughtless, but I feel the void inside of me fill in on itself. I feel wanted again.