"Think, Hudson. Where could she have gone?" ask Santana as Finn paces back and forth from the fireplace to the stairs, chewing earnestly into his nails. Noah is wide awake, and alarmed now. Hes been sending out tweets with Rachels picture with the caption:

HELP ME FIND THIS JEWISH BITCH.

I havent offered any words of aid at all. My mind is so jumbled up right now I cant even think for myself let alone for Finn. Blaines words are haunting in my thoughts, in a dark cape that shadows his face and the only real evidence of a face in there are glaring red eyes staring right at me. My stomach churns painfully as I come up with extreme scenarios of him trying to kill himself - with a razor blade, on a rooftop, a bottle of cough syrup. I feel sick just thinking about every single possible vision. The only thing keeping me sane is ironically Rachels disappearance. "Maybe we can try tracking her phone. Shes an iPhone user, right?" ask Sam.

"I dont have her apple ID," tells Finn. This little information, for some twisted reason, is comical to me. You would think two people whom have made a promise to be with each other forever, would at the very least know each others passcode. Finn continues his tireless pacing and watching him makes me weary. I get to my feet to retreat to my room, with a small part of me wanting to pack and pretend this whole week never happened, when Blaine comes barrelling back into the house from the patio. "The bartender down where the beach party was at said a blond and a girl with a giant nose came in this morning asking for the ferry schedule. I reckon its Rachel?"

Finn implodes at the mention of a blond. He goes on a 3 minute rant about how Rachel left him for some surfer guy, and how he knew he should have made use for the gym membership Rachel signed him up for. "Relax, gigantor. Has anyone seen Sarah?" ask Santana and we look around the room and realized shes not here. We asked Noah when she was considering he was practically anatomically attached to her last night and he tells us that they slept together, but when he woke up, she was gone. A profound sense of anger rises inside of me. I knew there was a reason why I never liked her, maybe my gut isnt completely dysfunctional after all. We force her number out of Noah, but he tells us that he knew what made her moan, but not her contact. Promiscuity really does get you nothing, except allegedly in Blaines case, a suicide attempt. I cringe at the though and quickly tell myself to focus on the situation at hand before I even make an attempt to make sense of what I discovered about my messy, sheltered past with Blaine.

Santana grabs her phone and starts scrolling through her Twitter, muttering about how she had told Rachel not to invite Sarah in the first place because her Mexican third eye had detected something shady about her. "Her last tweet has 6 hours ago." She suggest we had to the pier to check if their ferry has left and Finn is first out the door. I follow closely behind, but most of my intention is to get away from Blaine. He is a physical reminder that I caused him far more pain than he did, and I am not ready to face that reality. We run towards the pier, which is a good 200m distance from our beach house. There is only one ferry left. Even I knew the chances were slim, but Finns optimism is infectious and I find myself hoping shes there - for Finn. There is an old man with frizzy grey hair standing at the edge of the pier, tying a rope attached to the only boat onto a cleat. Finn approaches hin first, breathless and hopeful.

"Have you seen this girl?" he ask, flashing his phone with a picture of Rachel to the man. The man frowns momentarily, before he squints at Finns tiny iPhone screen.

"Sure did, lad," he tells Finn. "Her ferry only just set sail not ten minutes ago." The light in Finns brown eyes dies almost instantly. I hold his forearm in an attempt to comfort him, but I know very well that a broken heart isnt easily comforted. "Yup, boat will dock in the big apple in a two hours."

"The big apple? You mean New York?" outburst Finn. I can see the optimism restored in his eyes. The old man nods and before he can say anything else, Finn dashes back to the house and I can barely keep up. It feels like water in lungs all over again. "Shes gone back to the city. If we leave now, we can catch her." He waits for no response and dashes up the stairs two steps at a time. Santana unleashes her planning abilities and tells us to get our bags. I feel lighter knowing were leaving, but even Im not that naive to think leaving this place means leaving everything Ive uncovered behind with it. I take my chances nonetheless and race upstairs, throwing all my things into my luggage and hauling them out of the room. How far my initial excitement for this place has ran to. I almost cant remember what captivated me anymore. Out in the hallway, I run into Blaine and my chest constricts at the sight of him. He quickly avid his eyes from me and my heart deflates at the panic in his face. He strides into his room and shuts the door before I can say anything.

I cant help but to wonder if he feels vulnerable now with me knowing what I did to him. He must have kept it from me for a reason, otherwise he would have dangled it in front of me if he wanted to hurt me back. What makes it worst is to wonder if he was protecting me all this while.

Finn is already downstairs and almost out the door. I help him with our bags into the trunk of his car and the rest of our group appears shortly after we are done. I quickly jump into the passenger seat before Santana starts making carpool arrangements. I am secretly glad Blaine doesnt join us, and even more glad that its just me and Finn in the car so I can focus my attention more on calming him down and not dwell in my own thoughts. Finn rambles on about how he should have listened to me last night, and arguably I agree, but thats not the point I should make right now. I am infuriated at Rachel that he would do this to my brother, to hurt him like this. Finn isnt one to show outward emotion so for him to be at the brink of breaking down, it makes me want to water board Rachel. I tell Finn to pull over and I take the wheel because aside from his nervous state, his horrible driving isnt making me feel any less scared. "Im sure shes just nervous. People tend to do irrational things because they fear change," I tell Finn and coincidentally gave a reason for Blaines cheating. They has never happened before - maybe I am selfish after all.

"I just need to get there and hopefully talk some sense into her," tells Finn. I ask him what he plans on saying because leaving is a hard choice, its one a person makes when theyve had enough. "Im going to tell her that I love her! That I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know her over and over again!"

It feels almost too easy. I would say Finns understanding on the complexity of love resembles one of a young child, delusionally thinking the world revolves around honesty and love. Ive recently discovered that Im not the wisest on this particular area, but I do understand that it isnt that easy. You can profess all the cliches you know of, but they are merely ideals. Theyre what you hope for, what you wish will be but theyre not the reality because saying something and doing it are complete opposites. For instance, its easy to say youre going to score well on a test but a far different story when youre studying for it. Its a lot like love. To say I love you is far easier than to show your love. Ive always found it quizzical when I hear people talk about the profound sanctity of the words I love you. Whats profound is the way you show how you love. Maybe thats why I was broken down when Blaine cheated on me, because a physical betrayal completely obliterates a million I love yous. Maybe thats why Blaine attempted suicide, because my leaving made my words meaningless to him.

I shudder at the thought and quickly push them out of my head. Suddenly I realize, Im in no state to drive either, but at least with me behind the wheel, I feel like its within my control. Finn urges me to go faster, and I tell him a strict, "No."
"Im going to try and not think about Rachel until we get there, so lets talk about why you were yelling at Blaine," ask Finn. His question hits me like a spontaneous, oncoming truck. I have no way to escape this - confined in a car, chained to the wheel. I cant even begin to bring this up. By now, Ive concluded that Finn knows about it, why else would he have said all the things he said to me about Blaine being in pain too? I want to get angry, Im searching it inside myself to be angry but all I can think about is how these people I call my friends and family conspired to protect me, because they know that if I knew I did that to Blaine, I would have never forgiven myself. The notion is worst, that I pushed Blaine so far out of my life the people around me felt that telling me would be an inconvenience for me. Am I really that narcissistic? All answers point to a Yes. "Leaving is a selfish act," I tell Finn. He is startled by this. His face straddles between anger and confusion. "Leaving is a declaration that you dont want to work things out. Doesnt matter what brought it on, it matters with how you react to it. If you stay and try to work it out, resolve the issue, it means you love that person enough to want to make things work. When you leave, you leave all hope of reconciliation behind. Its selfish. Its a persons surrender."

"What are you trying to say?" he urges pressingly. I couldnt stop myself. This is my truth, spilling out of me before I can stop myself. I hate Rachel for doing this to Finn, to make him feel like she doesnt love him enough to stay and work things out. Then I realize that I did the same thing, only I force everyone to cut all strings to Blaine and acted as if he didnt exist. My head hurts from this back and forth motion of pushing the blame to Blaine, only to come up with a theory that I did this to him. If every theory comes with a punch, I would be in the emergency room right now. Then Finn placed a hand on my shoulder and I feel a warm tear strolling down the side of my cheek. "Its not a selfish act," says Finn. "Its a sign of distress. A sign of help."

He doesnt say much afterwards and I am thankful he doesnt. I want to be his greatest comfort, but how can I be when Im at a brink of a mental, nervous breakdown myself. I finally reach for the radio and a gentle melody fills the silence. I know this song, its a song by James Bay. His lyrics pull me deeper and deeper as my reality takes a step back and I let a total stranger sing out my thoughts. Trying to push this problem up a hill, think nows the time to let it slide. So simple, so accurate. Ive almost offended that a person who lives in complete opposites with me can sum up my 6 year baggage in a few lyrics. Ive left Blaine and I unchecked for so long, not realizing that every single day that went by unresolved was only me pushing our past further up a hill rather than letting it go, and now its to the peak. Theres two ways this can go; I let it crush me to bones or let it slide down the other steep. The latter is ideal, but its not so easy letting go of something youve worked so hard to keep up. Ive been insane to think i was over him.

People dont just get over things. They sweep it it under a rug and pretend its not there. Its always there collecting more dust than what you intended. The best way is always to throw it out.

Time must have stretched on for eons, but soon the city skyline greets us with its intimidation. At far sight, I can already feel the pressing issues that wait for me there. Problems are like an unfinished cup of coffee you left on the table. You can go out all day but when you come back its still sitting there, sometimes with an army of ants worshiping at its altar. Finn urges me to drive faster and I do, pressing onto the gas pedal as hard and as controlled as I can manage. Im not a big car expert but how far can you push a car before it stalls? I wish I had listened more when I spent afternoons at my dads garage, but that memory is colonized by Blaines face appearing as he sits across from me, tickling my ankle under the table with his feet. I push that memory out right away and try to built a stronger defense for when a Blaine nostalgia comes running back. "Come on, Kurt! We have to catch my fiance!"

I dont have the time to thoroughly be crushed by the citys pressure when we finally cross the bridge. Finn is screaming into my ear, urging me to go faster and all the while, I keep thinking - does love push you to risk death? I dont know where I pulled out this sudden expert skill of driving but I am dodging and cutting traffic as if I was born to be the next F1 driver champion. We arrive at the East Side Ferry Terminal and Finn jumps out before I can put the car in park. I try my hardest to keep up with his long legs but I am useless in his comparison. I dont know what are we supposed to look for - a girl with a giant nose? Finn seems fairly confident of the cognitive process to find his fiance so all I do is follow him. "Check the ferry schedules and see if any from Southampton has arrived yet. Im going to the docking bay," says Finn. He leaves without another word so I oblige silently and head for the board.

I hate looking at arrival/departure boards because I never really know what to look at. There are always multiple names of the same airline or ferry companies, how do you know which is the one youre looking for? My gut tells me its the first one in the list ot arrival. If my time calculation is right, Rachels ferry should be here already but I cant be certain. On top of this all, my claustrophobia is being tested with the sea of people in the arrival terminal. I have to get on my toes to search the crowd but even that does very minimal justice. My heart is pumping vigorously in my chest hoping Finn doesnt despair. I want him to find Rachel, but more importantly I want Rachel to be glad he found her before she does something stupid - like abandon what is so beautiful out of one sheer momentary doubt. When Santana appears behind me, I feel glad that Finn has a wider net to fall on, but dread at the fact that this means Blaine is around somewhere.

"Have you found her?" she ask and all I manage is a tired No. She tells me that the three guys have dispersed to covet all exits of this terminal. If this werent a personal predicament, we would make such an efficient spy team. I continue to do my part but I dont see Rachels big nose anywhere. Im slowly starting to get anxious and what entails for Finn. A vision of him standing at the end of the aisle alone flashes through my mind and the thought sends me into a deeper anger. Then Finn returns and the dejection in his face is unmissable. "No one is left on her ferry," he tells us. Even in the bustling of the crowd, his words are still clarity in my ears. "She sent me a text message," he says, limply dangling his phone in the tip of his fingers. I snatch it and scroll through the text, though there isnt much to scroll to.

I cant do it, Finn. Im swimming in doubt and I cant marry you without a certainty that were meant for each other. Please dont look for me.

I almost crushed the phone under the soles of my shoes. How dare Rachel treats Finn like this, as if theyve been dating for a mere few months. I am filled with a boiling rage that needs to be exhibited profoundly, then deep down my subconscious whispers to me that this was how I left my relationship. If Finn is any indication of how Blaine was when I left, I am a horrid person. I feel tears stinging at the corner of my eyes but I wipe them away quickly before anyone has the chance of calling me out on them. Santana wraps her arms around Finn and he doesnt resist - instead he leans into her like a sad child seeking comfort from his mother, and shields his face with his hands. The lump in my throat only expands exponentially. I hate Rachel, I hate myself that I never realized how selfish leaving is. When Blaine appears through the crowd with Noah and Sam, I cave in and quickly turn around, silently sobbing into my palms.

My body is trembling when the realization hits me. I am no better than this text message. I might have thought I had a reason to leave, that somehow Blaines mistake made it okay for me to abandon us. It wasnt okay. Rachel should have stayed to fight for her certainty, just like how I should have stayed to fight for Blaine. Instead, I left him in a puddle of guilt and sorrow - and the worst part, I wanted him to hurt.