When I wake, I am bare naked and tousled in my blanket. My entire left butt cheek is exposed and I quickly hide into the blanket when I remember Im not the only one in my bed this morning. I sneak a glance at the other side of my bed to find Sam just as naked, on top of the blanket and I exasperate loudly. The events of last night is hard to register into my brain. One minute I plunge into a body of water, the next I am ripping a male models clothes off faster than I can breathe. I wont lie and say I feel completely horrible. I do, in some extension, but last night was just what I needed - someone to make me feel like Im alluring, and beautiful, and worth something again.

This whole time Ive been worried about being unfair, about lying to myself that I was okay with the closure I left behind. I forgot one considerable factor. Blaines closure. Have I been fooling myself into thinking that he still has that door opened too? In some selfish thought, I considered that he still cared for me, that his reason for being at this retreat stretched beyond Finn and Rachel, but for me. After what I saw last night, him pounding into a stranger, with that look of satisfying pleasure I remember so vividly, Im starting to think that I left hoping he would hurt, that he couldnt move on but now I see it with clarity. Blaine was the one that left first, I just made it easier for him to not have to face me. I never left him, he left me. I bite on the cloth material of the blanket and stop myself from crying again. Blaine has won; in this twisted one sided game that only involves me. Once again, he walks away unscathed.

When Sam stirs in his sleep, I pull myself into a composed, human state again and turn to face him. I made sure to clutch onto the blanket to cover my body because as satisfying as last night was, it was only what I needed at the time, not in an entirety. I dont know how we can go back to talking like friends again. My friends have passed themselves around our circle but Ive always been with Blaine, now Ive succumbed to their level of promiscuity and it feels sickening. Sam flutters his eyes and I gulp. This daunting anticipation is slowly killing me and Im not one to tolerate anxiety. When he glances at me, I expect his straight - orientation to leap off the bed and run into the ocean, but he doesnt. Instead, he turns to face me and smile as if weve done this a billion times. "Good morning," he greets in a hoarse, partial - slumber voice that sends a shock down to my groin. I forgot the feeling of fucking for fun, its strangely comforting to know there is no strings here.

"You better go before the rest wakes us," I sheepishly say. I dont reckon Sam wants to be caught naked in bed with me. Hes never professed to be a curved arrow, I doubt he would want to open that Pandora box to the rest today. He laughs and then his hand find its way down to my throbbing morning erection. I gulp at his cold skin. "I dont think you want me to go just yet."

My gut is telling me otherwise, to slide off and savor whatever is left of my dignity, but I cant move. I havent felt so wanted in such a long time that it obliterates my morals. I dont fight Sam away as his fingers curl around my member and he slowly strokes down my shaft. I feel my body go limp and I fall backwards. I feel Sams legs curling around my body and climbing on top of me. His hands still tease me, and I surrender to every sinful whimper that escapes me as he trails kisses down my neck and to my chest - then the door opens and a sharp intake of breath is my anchor to reality and I panic, knocking Sam off of me and crashing to the ground. To my horror, and enigmatic slight satisfaction, Blaine stands in the thresholds of my door, eyes wide in shock. I am speechless, and humiliated kneeling on my bed and clinging on to whatever sheer material that is keeping me decent. I feel like Ive done something wrong, but I havent. Thats how much power Blaine has over me. I feel the words Im Sorry bubbling to the surface, but I go back to that whirlpool and everything just snaps.

"Did you need something? Because Im kind of busy," I say. I dont know where this confident, indifferent creature crawled out from but I love him. Blaine evidently doesnt with his face climbing a level of bewilderment higher. He clears his throat and pulls his eyes from me, staring at a blank space on the ceiling. "I just wanted to check if you were fine."

"Im perfect," I respond almost simultaneously. Sam peers over the bed frame and I roll my eyes at his terrified child alter ego. "If you dont mind, well see you at breakfast." Blaine doesnt say anything, but he momentarily shuffles his feet in a square shape before he leaves, not meeting my eyes at all. I cant fathom what Im feeling, like Im on the winning side of history this time. I wonder if hes hurt. "Shit, do you think hes mad?" ask Sam. I frown at him and ask if Blaine has the right to be, because he doesnt. I might be eating my own words really. Just last night I got upset seeing Blaine fuck some stranger, but its a different to be the pain inflictor. "He doesnt, but guys have codes too."

I roll my eyes tiredly. What are gender codes, really? A self-indulgent, falsified set of rules people have to conform to? Like guys have to wear suits to be attractive, or woman have to have long hair to be alluring? These arent codes or rules, these are expectations. Sam pulls on his boxer briefs and Im glad. After that awkward walk in, our moment has fleeted. "I hope I was a good distraction," tells Sam. He is decent enough to kiss me on the lips before he slips out of my bedroom. I secretly wonder why it doesnt affect him to be used because I sure feel horrible for using him. When I stride past my mirror, my reflection pulls me to a halt and for seconds that turned into infinities, I stared back at the person I dont recognize. What has love done to me? All I see is a myriad of shattered hopes and dreams.

After I take a shower and pull my clothes on, I debate whether I want to leave the tranquil sanctuary of my bedroom into a possible ticking time bomb. I dont know what waits for me behind that door. My gut tells me that the greater the pleasure, the bigger the repercussion but I gulp hard and shush my gut because it clearly has proven itself to be faulty. I tentatively descend the steps as if avoiding an operational mine. I hear faint, distant laughter. Theyre almost inaudible with the waves crashing so hard onto the shore, but unmistakable. Ive thoroughly abandoned my gut and Ive never felt more liberated to let spontaneity take over. When I reach the ground level of the lounge room, I see Noah sprawled across the couch with nothing but his briefs on. He is leaving permanent drool stains on that couch and I can already here the rant Rachel will jump into when she learns about this. Out at the patio, I make sure to peer out the door first to ensure that the coast is clear of Blaine. I heave in relief when I dont see the shattered remains of his golden eyes.

"Lady Hummel, join us, please," says Santana. Only she and Sam are seated at the table indulging in a breakfast buffer. I avoid Sams eyes at all cost because seeing him will only make the whole of last night shift from being surreal to real. I still feel the ghost of him inside of me, but thats only the burning pain of my disgust at myself. "What will you have this morning? Eggs, bacon or Sams sausage?"

My body freezes in its halfway mark to the seat. Santana wears her victorious, I-know-everything look and my cheeks burn crimson. The ocean for some reason looks more appealing now more than it ever was last night. Then I glare at Sam with figurative daggers in my eyes and he lets his head fall in shame. I choose to ignore Santanas remark, no matter how exploited I feel right now. Maybe guys should have codes after all. "I bet it was hot, right? Like really hot?"

"Drop it," I mutter sternly while spreading peanut butter over my toast bread. I have half a mind to toss this knife precisely in between Santanas eyes. We all know now that Im accurate when Im in rage. "No, but really, was it? Because I know you had a crush on Sam in high school, but that was probably because he looks like a Ken doll. Did it help you?"

I deeply frown at her. "Help me?" I ask, confused at the question. In some sense it did help me, but I reckon it isnt the same accusation as Santana is making. "To shut the door," she says. The volcano inside of me finally explodes. My veins are coursing with lava and my chest has rose possibly a thousand degrees. I let my knife clutter to the table, telling myself to calm but I cant. "Are you implying that I slept with Sam to get over Blaine?" I say through gritted teeth. Santana shrugs nonchalantly and folds her arms across her chest.

"I wasnt implying anything. You just said it," she says. I am burning inside, wanting to unleash a demonic beast to attack Santana. I have to clutch at the corners of the table to stop myself from pouncing on her. "I am allowed to sleep with whomever I want." I shouldnt want to justify myself. I dont think I have to, but I am. I dont know what is in the mind of my subconscious but this isnt me talking. The real me would brush Santana off, not put up a defense line of responses. Maybe deep down I know what I did with Sam had more implications to it than just a quick quench of the carnal thirst. Either way, my mind id a jumbled up turmoil that I no longer can tell between doing things for me and doing things for other people.

"It just seems a little too spontaneous for you, Hummel," says Santana. Sam has shrunk in size by pulling his shoulders in and pretending he isnt watching this eruption transpire. I wish he wasnt here so there werent any witnesses. "Sleeping with a fellow friend on the same week youre thrust into a confined space with Blaine? Seems like someone was trying to even out the playing field."

I cannot comprehend the words slurring out of Santanas mouth. The simple notion of vengeance is appalling to me, but inside I am slowly dismantling and what Ive discovered is something I dont want to acknowledge. Have I succumbed to Blaines level? Did I sleep with Sam with a twisted, unconscious intention of hurting Blaine? I feel sick to my stomach, but that is when my subconscious overpowers me and I stand abruptly, pushing the chair backwards and it lands in a deafening thud that might have startled the ocean to silence. All I hear are my conflicting thoughts. "You are disgusting," I state, which takes Santana aback when her eyebrows shoot for the heavens. "Did you even consider that maybe I slept with Sam because I wanted to? Because he was hot and because I was horny? Its insane, this ridiculous generalization about me that just because Im not promiscuous like you, or Blaine for that matter that I cant sleep with someone without some secret agenda? I dont give two shits about some freaking door, Santana! It doesnt exist. You know why? Because he shut it. He was the one who cheated, he was the one who decided Hey, and Im over this relationship. Your ridiculous theory is one sided. I never shut that door because it was already shut, I didnt have a choice but to move on with my life, and you and everybody else in this damn house keep pulling me back as if I left something unchecked. You pretend to be on my side but nobody here is. Sam comes close. Youre not on my side because youre not letting me move on when clearly Blaine has so why dont you just keep your mouth shut when you dont understand or know anything."

I am practically hyperventilating by the time I come to a full stop. Ive never seen Santanas face so startled, as if shes just seen my bloody insides, but that felt good. It felt liberating to finally fathom into words what I felt last night. I must have silenced the entire beach because a resounding electric silence fills the air around us and I can feel it tangible on my skin. I am shivering, my lips quivering from screaming and speaking too fast but I guess liberation has side effects. I have one thought in mind, and it is to get out of here.

"So why did you sleep with Sam?" ask the last voice I want to hear right now. I turn to find Blaine appearing out of the shadows of the curtains and in full light, staring at me with dead eyes. "You were at a beach party, surrounded by hot, half naked men. You could have had your pick at any of them with how hot you are, yet you chose someone from our circle, knowing that it wouldnt be a secret. Why?"

I am in disbelief at how the tables have turned and now Im the one being deemed as the cheater, and force to be felt like half a moral person. The irony is comical and I cannot stop myself from laughing so hard my empty stomach churns loudly at the tension. Blaine looks at me like Im crazy. I might be. This whole situation is crazy. "Did you seriously just ask me that? I mean, seriously?" I manage in between my laughter. I do manage to compose myself eventually, after what felt like a good hour of Blaine staring at me as if Ive gone mental. "So if I had chosen a guy at random and fucked him behind some rocks at the shore like you did, would that have been better? Would that have protected little Blaines heart?"

Blaine is rattled when I bring this up. I can read it in his face. His lips part slightly, eyes grow wider - its the same horrified look he wore when I caught him years ago, but then it evolves to a look more disturbing. His lips upturn to a sly smile that irks every muscle in my physical being. I have a sudden need to find a volleyball. "I cant tell whats more pathetic; the fact that you slept with someone because you saw me or the fact that you did it with Sam. Either way, its still because of me, isnt it? Its still, what you denied, out of vengeance."

My mouth goes dry. I can feel the heat climbing to my eyes, threatening a flood. I cant cry, not when Blaine is standing on a pedestal, looking down at me like Im this incessant, clingy ex - boyfriend that never got over him. I want to vomit - the feeling is sickening to be called pathetic by somebody who once meant the world to you, but the demon I unleashed doesnt just stop to destroy Santana. I feel him defending me. "Whats pathetic is you being here at all!" I yell louder than I had anticipated. My arms are trembling. "You honestly expect me to believe that your sole purpose of being here is to support Rachel and Finn - my brother and my best friend? Youre telling me that the thought of seeing me again didnt remotely excite you to come here? You knew damn well I was going to be here and you knew damn well that I hate you with every being in my core. Was that why you came here? To get a further boost of your testosterone? To watch the weak boy that once loved you be vulnerable to you again? You came here because you knew it would bother me. You came here out of vengeance yourself so dont pretend like you sit in an ivory tower like youre somehow better than me. Youre just as stuck as I am."

He doesnt look fazed. He looks indifferent, as if the bullet missed him by an inch. "You really havent changed at all," he says and I am baffled by this sudden change of tides. If ears could deceive too, right now would be an example. "Youre still the same selfish, narcissistic Kurt Ive always known. You walk around like youre the victim and when somebody calls you out on it, you think its an insult. The only person living in an ivory tower here is you - delusionally thinking youre better than me because I made the mistake. Have you ever wondered why I cheated in the first place? Did that cross your mind? No, you dont because much like everyone else, youre quick to always blame the one that cheats. Newsflash, I wouldnt have went seeking out other means of comfort or affection if you werent so goddamn selfish about yourself! You acted as if you wouldnt miss me at all and how was I supposed to feel about that? Good? Fact of the matter is, you pushed me into cheating so you would have a good reason to leave with no strings attached."

"I was broken because of you!" My control fails me and my confession comes pouring before I have the chance to filter anything. What Ive realized about this demon is that he knows nothing but the truth. My whole body is trembling now and Blaines face is blurred out from the tears stinging in my eyes. I dont know this person. I dont know whats worst about this ordeal - the fact that I finally get the truth from Blaine or the fact that his truth is blaming me for destroying what we had. I am crumbling inside and suddenly drowning in a body of water didnt feel as bad as this. "You made me feel like I was your forever. Do you really think I wanted that to end? Dont try to make me think I did that to us. Cheating is a conscious decision a person makes. You werent stupid. You knew damn well there were other alternatives yet you chose the one that would be the end of us. How dare you put the blame on me! I havent been the same after you wrecked my whole sacred belief that there is one person for everyone! You are the sole reason why Ive been scared to date anyone ever again and after years of trying to be the same again, I finally let myself go and surrendered myself to another person but of course you had to swoop in and take that away from me - make me feel like I somehow cant be happy as long as youre around. You broke me!"

"And you made me try to kill myself, so I guess were even!"

Blaines words leave a deafening silence in its wake, but Finn comes barreling out of the house in his boxers in that instant, his face all flustered and panicked. "Shes gone. She took off," tells Finn and he hands me a piece of paper with words written in the same calligraphy as their wedding invitation, only this one is less ceremonious.

Im sorry. I love you.