Kurt isn't scared of his anonymous fan on most days, not anymore. He's naturally apprehensive and cautious of him (or her, it could be a woman as well), but he isn't scared. The fan hasn't made any tangible threats even if the letters aren't polite anymore, Wes has ensured him that the police are doing all they can, and Kurt trusts Blaine, trusts him to keep him safe. Of course he wishes that the fan would just stop and disappear and leave him alone, of course he used to lie awake every night biting his fingernails (a bad habit, a disgusting habit), but he doesn't want to waste his time on being terrified. Especially when he does actually feel safe most of the time. Even when Blaine was distant and not acting like himself, Kurt still felt safe around him.

But he had been scared in the restaurant. First he'd been just annoyed – New York is definitely less homophobic than Lima, but every now and then there's someone who makes Kurt's skin crawl, makes him want to scream and force everyone to start living in the twenty-first century. The man was drunk and stupid, and Kurt was angry that someone like him would ruin the nice lunch they were having.

But then the man had started to stare at him. The man's eyes were a bit hazy, probably because of the alcohol, but the stare he had directed at Kurt had made his insides twist uncomfortably. It reminded him of smelly locker rooms and the hallways of McKinley High, of not knowing what the other person was going to do. It terrified him. He wants to know what's happening, likes to hold the reins, and it always makes him uncomfortable if he doesn't know how someone is going to act. Especially if said someone is a homophobic drunken idiot who also happens to be two times bigger than Kurt's bodyguard.

He had never seen Blaine detain anyone before. Blaine avoids conflicts, steers Kurt away, stays away from possible threats, but this time Blaine had reacted in another way. Kurt thinks he did the right thing – he knows his own heart was about to burst out of his chest when the man pulled his arm back – and okay, Blaine looked pretty hot when he was all protective and forceful, and it made the fear disappear from Kurt's chest again.

It was quickly replaced by worry though. Kurt can still remember the small tremors running up and down Blaine's arm, the way his eyes had darted, the shakiness of his smile.

It was not okay. Kurt wants to make it okay.

They lie on the guest room bed that night, so close to each other that their thighs are touching, their arms pressed side by side. Kurt traces patterns on the back of his hand with his index finger and stares at the ceiling. He can feel Blaine's tension even in his own skin, vibrating through the dark room. It's been there ever since that incident at the restaurant, thrumming around Blaine, making him jumpy, and Kurt feels helpless. Normally Blaine calms down immediately when he lies down next to Kurt, tension leaving his shoulders, his mouth turning into a soft smile and the lines disappearing from his forehead – but now the tension seems to be locked inside of Blaine, as if something's trying to get free but can't.

And the strange thing is that Kurt feels the same. He's felt that way the whole day.

"My biggest bully kissed me in high school," he says into the silence.

Blaine startles next to him, and then the mattress shifts as he turns to look at Kurt. "What?"

"I told you I was bullied, didn't I?" Kurt explains. "There was this one football player who had made it his life mission to torture me. He slammed me into lockers and called me these awful names and threw slushies to my face. And for a really long time no one even noticed. No one cared."

Blaine's hand finds Kurt's, and slowly he threads their fingers together, giving Kurt's hand a tight squeeze, not saying anything. There's nothing he could say, not right now, and Kurt is grateful for the silence.

"I tried to just take it and stay strong, repeat to myself that things would get better eventually," he continues. "But then one time, after he pushed me into another locker in the middle of a busy hallway and once again no one said anything, I just... snapped. I ran after him and tried to confront him – I can't even remember what I said to him anymore – and then he... He suddenly kissed me."

"Kurt..." Blaine's grip on his hand tightens, desperate and calming at the same time, and that's what makes the unexpected tears pool in Kurt's eyes. He has dealt with his past, has moved on, but sometimes it still hurts like hell. He's never really talked to anyone about everything that happened. Not even to Rachel or Mercedes, not even to his previous boyfriends. Not like this.

"It... It was my first kiss with another boy. It was so disgusting and horrible and just..." His voice breaks, and Blaine moves closer, pulling Kurt's body tightly against his own. "I found some strength to push him away from me, and then he just stared at me for a moment and ran away."

Kurt lifts his hand, the one that isn't clinging to Blaine, and wipes his wet cheeks with it. He takes a deep breath when his cheeks feel dryer, pulling the strength to continue from the weight of Blaine's hand against his palm, his body so close to his own, reassuring and present and here.

"A few days later he threatened to kill me if I told anyone about it," Kurt says. He can feel the way Blaine startles again, can hear him swallow roughly. "I... I don't believe in outing people, never have, so I wasn't going to tell anyway, but he was still a bully and he still made my life a living hell. It got pretty bad for a while, really bad, worse than before, but then my... My dad found out about the death threat, and the football player was suspended. I guess that suspension was the eye-opener people needed because after that Finn and my other friends suddenly wanted to have my back and protect me. Karofsky – that's his name, the football player's – he came back to McKinley eventually because of some stupid school board decision, but he didn't bully me anymore and even apologized to me. I think my friends had something to do with that, but I still... I didn't feel safe at that school. I even skipped my junior prom because of it."

He gives a bitter laugh at that, remembering how he spent the entire night sitting in his room and watching musicals until he fell asleep. Blaine doesn't say anything, but his hand stays tightly in Kurt's, anchoring him to this room, to this apartment, to this moment. Keeping him away from Lima and his past.

"Karofsky transferred to another school after that year, and the bullying sort of... lessened after that. There was still the occasional slushie and taunt – our glee club wasn't exactly popular, so it was sort of expected and the school did nothing to stop it – but it got better. It really did."

Kurt smiles a little, thinks about going to his senior prom, about winning Nationals and graduating, doing it all with his friends by his side. But then he remembers why he started to tell this story to Blaine in the first place, and the smile falls away from his lips.

"But even if it did get better, I still sometimes remember it all, like in some sort of a flashback. It makes me feel scared. Trapped. That's what I felt today when that man attacked us. That's why I reacted like that, with biting words and cold stares. I guess moments like that make me revert back to my old defense mechanisms."

Blaine's thumb is moving across the back of Kurt's hand, reassuring and safe. Kurt blinks the tears away from his eyes, suddenly knowing another reason for telling this story as well, and he desperately hopes that he's going to say the right words, to form coherent sentences from his feelings.

"I think... I sort of closed myself off after all that bullying. I was always a private person, but after that, after seeing day after day that no one cared, that no one noticed what I was going through until they had to... I don't know." Kurt shakes his head. "I built all these walls around myself and kept people at a distance. I've never... As much as I love Rachel and trust her, I've never told her that Karofsky kissed me. I've never told that to anyone."

Blaine shifts next to him. "But you told me now," he says under his breath, his voice confused.

"I did." It's Kurt’s turn to squeeze Blaine's hand, and he can feel a small smile on his lips. It feels refreshing after all those bad memories.

It feels like letting go.

"You know," he continues, "my dad said a few weeks ago that he thought I seemed lonely before I met you. And I guess he was right in a way. I have people in my life, great and wonderful people who I love more than anything, but I've always been a bit lonely, especially after all that bullying. And this probably sounds ridiculous, but with you I..." The small smile widens, tingling his cheeks. "I don't feel that lonely with you, Blaine. I feel protected. And I know you're my bodyguard and it's your job to make me feel that way, but I'd like to think we're friends as well. I don't know how we couldn't be, not when you make me feel more accepted and safe than I ever have before."

Blaine doesn't say anything for a long time, and Kurt turns to look at him. Blaine's eyes are wide open and shining with something that Kurt thinks might be tears, and he squeezes Blaine's hand again worriedly. "Hey, hey. What are you –"

"That’s..." Blaine stops and swallows thickly. "That's not true, Kurt. I've had nothing to do with that. I've known from the start how strong you are, and that all just proves it. You keep yourself safe."

Kurt shrugs. It's a little awkward when he's lying on the bed, but Blaine's words make him feel like shrugging. "Maybe, but you've helped me in that. And I trust you, Blaine. I didn't tell you all that just to make you open up more or to trick you into sharing your own demons, but to show you that even if you're my bodyguard, I do trust you."

He moves his own thumb across Blaine's knuckles for emphasis. The atmosphere has gotten incredibly intimate at some point, but Kurt doesn't mind it, not when Blaine's hand is finally relaxed and pliant in his own and Kurt can feel himself relaxing as well, letting go of today's anxiety.

Blaine takes a deep breath. "I trust you too."

Kurt shakes his head. "You don't have to say it if you don't mean it."

"But I do. I do mean it."

Blaine turns to stare at the ceiling, but he's clearly not trying to escape the words he just said. Kurt can tell that he's seeing something else inside his mind, something fragile and vulnerable, and he doesn't say anything himself, afraid that he'll break that something if he opens his mouth right now.

"I..." Blaine starts, and then he turns over on his back completely, disentangles his hand from Kurt's and rests it on his own chest instead. Maybe he needs the distance somehow, but he still stays close to Kurt's body, his leg actually twitching even closer.

He blinks his eyes a few times and then starts again, his voice quiet and careful. "I didn't always go to Dalton, you know."

Kurt flops back down on his own back but keeps his head turned to Blaine. "I told you, you don't have to..."

"I want to," Blaine interrupts him. "It's been long enough."

Kurt is startled by the determination in his voice. "O-okay."

He watches Blaine's profile in the darkness and sees how his eyelashes flutter for a moment before he opens his mouth again. Kurt thinks about how brave Blaine is, how strong and safe and kind, thinks about the way Blaine sometimes looks at him like he's something incredible, and Kurt knows that his opinion of Blaine won't change, no matter what Blaine tells him. Blaine's opinion of him didn't seem to change either, even after he bared his darkest memories.

"I... went to a public school for almost a year before Dalton," Blaine starts, "and I was bullied pretty much the whole time I was there. We, um, we didn't have slushies, so mostly they just threw insults at me, called me these names, and... You get the point." He shakes his head. "Anyway, then I... I came out. Right before we had this Sadie Hawkins dance at school. I asked a friend of mine, the only other gay guy in the school, and we went to the dance, just as friends. I really cared about him, and I guess wanted to show everyone else that I wouldn't let their insults get me down. Get us down. I... I wanted to be brave, in a way."

Blaine pauses, and Kurt can see his throat swallowing nervously. "The dance itself was great, but then while we were waiting for my friend's dad to pick us up... These, um, three guys came up to us and they – they beat the living crap out of us."

Something cold twists inside of Kurt, and his sharp inhale echoes through the room. "Blaine –"

Blaine crosses his arms over his chest and hunches his shoulders. "I transferred to Dalton immediately after I recovered and it became my safe haven. I... ran away and took up boxing to make sure I wouldn't be so helpless if something like that were to happen again."

"Blaine, I'm so sorry," Kurt whispers.

Blaine glances to him. "Why? You don't have to say that. It's not like you could have stopped it or something."

"But it's still awful," Kurt says. "You shouldn't have had to go through something like that."

"And you shouldn't have had to go through your own bullying," Blaine counters.

"No one should. Not me and not you."

Blaine turns back to look at the ceiling. He's silent for a long time until he says softly, "I know. I've dealt with it, or at least tried to. It's been over ten years, but sometimes something still reminds me of it, some movement or some word. You know what it's like. I... I don't think getting bullied is something you can just forget over time. It always stays with you, one way or another."

Kurt nods, remembering his own fear earlier today and Blaine's arm trembling under his hand. He stares at Blaine through the darkness, at the way he blinks his eyes and the way his chest rises and falls under his crossed arms. There's a slight hesitance in Blaine's posture, like he's not finished with his story yet, and Kurt wonders if he should just wait for Blaine to continue or prod him somehow. He doesn't know which one would be the right thing to do.

Eventually Blaine opens his mouth and stops, opens his mouth again and stops again, his fingers starting to tap nervously to a beat only he can hear. Kurt bites his lip and then reaches out his own hand, resting it over Blaine's fingers. They still immediately under his touch.

"It does stay with you," Kurt murmurs. "I know my experience always will."

He sometimes thinks his past wounds are like tiny pinpricks on his heart: they don't define him, they're not an essential part of him anymore, and they have shrunken with time. Most of the time they're barely noticeable – but they're still there, he knows they are, itching like an old scar every now and then. Maybe all people are like that: full of small reminders of their past lives, thorns among beautiful rose petals.

"I... Uh. You asked me once why I dropped out of college?" Blaine's voice is quiet and hesitant, like his posture, and Kurt turns to look from their hands to Blaine's face. "It's actually sort of the same reason I was so distant in the beginning. Why I tried so hard to be professional and detached."

Kurt furrows his brows. "I'm not following."

Blaine keeps staring at the ceiling. "I was almost finished with my studies before I dropped out. I had just a few months left – maybe around six months of studying before getting my credentials. Or maybe not even that long."

Kurt smoothes his hand over Blaine's knuckles to indicate that he's listening, not saying anything. It's his time to stay silent and listen, offer quiet comfort like Blaine did.

"I was having some money problems already – I mean who knew that college could be so expensive?" Blaine huffs out a laugh. "My parents or Cooper would have probably helped me, I know they would've, but I didn't want to ask them for money. I wanted to take care of myself, and it was just a few months, so I figured I could make it. I was doing this, um, this practical training in a middle school near my university, sort of acting as an assistant for their music teacher, but I was allowed to teach a few classes on my own. I think... I thought it was going really well – the kids were amazing and the teachers seemed to like me, and I got to do some pretty great stuff in the lessons.”

Blaine's lips twitch up into a small smile. "It was... inspiring. I was getting into it more and more everyday, getting more and more excited and just caring more and –"

He stops abruptly, his smile stiffening and then falling from his face.

Kurt has noticed it before – the way Blaine says the word care like it's something broken and dysfunctional, his voice sometimes almost cracking on the vowel – but now it's even more pronounced, and Kurt deliberately slows the movement of his hand on top of Blaine's.

Blaine takes a deep breath. "There was this one kid in my group, this one girl..." He laughs a little. "I know teachers aren't supposed to have favorites, but she was definitely my favorite. She was always so enthusiastic, and she was really talented as well – you should've heard the way she played the piano, Kurt, it was unbelievable for someone that young. I gave her extra homework because she actually asked for it, and I think out of all the kids I taught she was the one I managed to get through to the most. She..." Blaine swallows. "She actually came out to me after one lesson."

Kurt's hand stops.

"It was a huge deal for her, obviously, but for me as well. It was the first time a student trusted me that much with something so important, and I felt... honored, in a way. We talked, and I told her that it was nothing to be ashamed of and that she could tell her friends if and when she was ready. She was just so nervous, so scared, but I managed to calm her down, tell her that everything would be okay, that she was really brave and that she could face anything the world would throw at her, and when she eventually got up to leave she... She came up to me and hugged me and said that I was the best teacher she'd ever had. Because she knew I really... cared."

Blaine blinks his eyes a few times. "The next day – you know, kids can be surprisingly cruel, even when they're just twelve or thirteen. I... I came to work the next day, it was almost my last day at that school, and the headmaster told me that one of the other students had... Had pushed her down the stairs. No one really knew what exactly had happened, but one of the teachers had heard these other kids calling her names, shoving and bullying her, and when she'd stood up to them, one of them..."

Blaine's voice breaks and he squeezes his eyes shut. Kurt shifts closer to Blaine on the bed, twisting his hand so he can hold Blaine's more tightly. The sudden movement makes Blaine open his eyes, and there are unshed tears shining in his eyes, clear even in the room's darkness. Kurt can feel Blaine's whole body trembling next to him, can feel his own throat choking up, his own eyes welling up with tears as well because things like this shouldn't happen but they do, and it's not fair.

"Did she..." Kurt starts carefully, wanting to know but not knowing how to say it.

Blaine seems to understand anyway and clears his throat. "I don't know how badly she was hurt. No one would tell me, and I left the school after a few days, and just... I heard that her family moved to another state and I know she broke several bones when she fell, but I don't..."

"No, shh,” Kurt hushes him when his voice starts to break again and the trembling grows worse. "It's okay."

Blaine shakes his head. "It's not. I could've stopped it from happening. I was the one who told her to stand up and call out anyone who tried to give her a hard time, and then she..." His breath hitches, but he swallows thickly and keeps going. "After that it all started to pile up – the money problems and the final exams and everything was going wrong and I felt horrible – until one night I just snapped. I needed to get away, so I left. I ran. That's what I do." Blaine snorts, bitter and miserable. "I ended up living at Cooper's, unable to stop thinking how I had failed once and for all in... In the one thing that mattered to me the most. In keeping people safe."

"Blaine," Kurt says, desperate to get the words out. "You didn't fail. It wasn't your fault. How could it –"

"Every time I care too much someone gets hurt. Either me or someone else," Blaine whispers, blinking against the tears. Some of them still escape, falling freely down his cheeks, sticking to his long eyelashes and making his eyes seem even bigger. "I cared too much when I went to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I cared too much once or twice when I was at Dalton and it always ended badly. I cared too much about my second boyfriend at college – I actually thought that he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with and when I told him that, he just... laughed and... moved on without me." He shakes his head. "I cared too much about college and ended up dropping out. I started to care more about one of my students and she got pushed down the stairs. It's like... Every time I allow myself to care more, things go horribly wrong."

Kurt is pretty sure his heart is breaking for Blaine. He wants to scoop him up in his arms and never let him go, hold him close to his chest and make sure that no one will ever hurt him again. He starts to say something, to prove Blaine's assumption wrong – because how could Blaine even think like that when he's so kind and safe and amazing, how could he – but Blaine continues before he can open his mouth.

"I mean logically I know that it's not true, that it's all just some terrible luck and that it's not my fault. But I still feel like it is, like I could have stopped it all from happening if I hadn't gotten so involved, if I had just remained... professional."

There's that word again. Professional. Kurt can almost hear the click inside of his head, the sound of all the pieces falling to their place, the curtains and distances, the crossed arms and averted eyes. The desperate tone when Blaine said that he didn't want to fail anymore.

Blaine takes a deep breath, blinking the tears from his eyes. "But when I came here and saw you standing in the doorway that first afternoon, with your drenched coat and raised eyebrows, I just..." His mouth twists, like he can't decide whether he should smile or frown. "I just knew that you were someone I could care about. And I knew I couldn't do that because I needed to keep you safe. And I still keep thinking that I shouldn't care that much, that you'll get hurt if I do, but I..." He turns to look at Kurt, his lips finally twitching into a tiny smile, so small that it barely reaches his eyes. "But I guess that not caring isn't really working out, considering where we are right now."

Kurt gives him a watery snort in return. "I think you've done a pretty good job of keeping me safe anyway."

The words don't seem like much, but somehow they seem to be the right thing to say. Blaine's hopeful smile widens and reaches his eyes, lighting his whole face, the doubts and hurt disappearing from his eyes. Kurt feels like he can breathe again when he sees that smile, when he can make sure with his own eyes that no matter what Blaine has gone through he has kept and will keep going. They both will. There's no doubt of that.

Who would want to choose thorns instead of rose petals?

Blaine gives a quiet laugh and wipes his eyes. "I've actually never told anyone that whole story either. I think Cooper and Wes both know the gist of it or at least have a good idea of it all, but I've never..." He pauses for a moment, his face softening. "I guess you're not the only one feeling safe here, Kurt. So... Thank you."

There's a weight in Blaine's words, as if he's not just thanking Kurt for listening to him, and Kurt smiles and leans to rest his head against Blaine's shoulder, his hand on Blaine's arm. "No, thank you. For everything. For trusting me with this."

His heart is expanding from all the feelings inside of him, from all the good and from all the bad, from the knowledge of how cruel the world can be to its best people. Kurt's never made anyone feel safe before, at least not that he knows of. It's a nice feeling, knowing that he managed to make Blaine feel secure after everything he's gone through. It's like a warm ball of pride and success and something else nestled against his heart.

He sighs and starts to draw lazy patterns on Blaine's arm, small spirals and curves that wouldn't look like anything coherent if his finger was a pen. They're silent for a while, tiredness finally starting to catch up on them. They're both exhausted after revealing so much, but Kurt still has one thought that won't leave him alone.

"Are you going to go back someday?"

"Hm?"

"To college," Kurt clarifies. He thinks about the pedagogy books Blaine reads and how he sometimes sits on the sofa with his laptop, writing something definitely longer than a simple e-mail. "Do you think you're going to go back?"

Blaine taps his fingers nervously against his chest. "I... I think I will. Someday. It's something I really want to do with my life, even if the idea still feels a bit terrifying. Even if I'm afraid of repeating the same mistakes all over again." He shifts on the bed. "I've... actually been finishing some of my old assignments for a while, keeping up even though I'm not enrolled. It sort of makes me miss it even more."

Kurt hums. "I'm glad you think that way."

"Why?"

"Because I think you'd be an incredible teacher. I know you think that things go wrong when you care, but isn't that sort of the best quality a teacher can have? Caring? You just need to remember that it's a good thing, not something you need to regret."

"I know it is." Blaine leans closer to Kurt, his chin brushing the top of Kurt's head. "It's just... hard to remember it sometimes. It was even harder after everything that happened, and that's why I needed to get away. But I think I might be getting there. Slowly but surely."

Kurt nods and closes his eyes, calm and satisfied. Blaine is warm and heavy next to him, breathing evenly. Usually Blaine's the one curled around him, but Kurt's head fits quite perfectly into the curve of Blaine's neck. If he imagines a little, he can almost feel Blaine's pulse against his cheek. It's more intimate than Kurt has been in ages, and right now Blaine isn't his bodyguard – he's his friend, his dear friend, maybe even his best friend, considering everything they just told to each other. Someone who could perhaps be something more, but Kurt doesn't want to allow his thoughts to go that way, not yet. They both just bared their deepest secrets to each other, showed how much trust they’ve built during these weeks. Other serious thoughts can be left for another day, for another night.

Blaine sighs, the sound of his breath already full of sleep. "I just... All I ever wanted to do was to help people. Keep them safe. Maybe it's silly, but that's what I wanted. I just feel like I've screwed up too many times already. It makes it hard to believe that I could succeed someday."

"Not too many times," Kurt murmurs. "Just, you know, sometimes the universe has been against you. Like it's against all of us at some point. It doesn't mean you've failed for good." He breathes in the scent of Blaine's shirt, letting it make each and every last bad memory disappear from his head. "Besides, you do help people and keep them safe, Blaine. You succeed a little every day. I'm still here, aren't I?"

Blaine inhales sharply. "Y-yeah. You're still here."

Kurt drifts off to sleep after that. The last thing he can remember is Blaine's hand clasping his, resting their joined hands over his chest, Blaine's heartbeat a calm rhythm underneath them. Kurt dreams of teachers and students, a school world with back-up singers and people bursting out into song in the middle of the hallways, of a small faceless girl falling down the stairs but flying off instead of hitting the ground, of a man wearing a red cardigan who catches her, who desperately tries to save everyone and almost forgets to save himself in the process.

When he wakes up Blaine is snoring gently against his shoulder, his eyelashes fanning his cheeks and his face void of worries and fears. Kurt looks at him and thinks that if his heart was made entirely out of clothes it would be bursting at its seams right now – and suddenly he knows what sort of clothes the main character in Andrea's play should wear. The main character, a teacher who's so painstakingly dedicated to saving everyone who might need it. Why didn't Kurt think of it before? He can already see the cardigans and vibrant colors in his head, the striped shirts, vests and boat shoes.

The play has a happy ending, and perhaps seeing himself in the main character's clothes could make Blaine believe in happy endings again.

Maybe it's a bit obvious or stupid, a bit weird or creepy all things considered, but when Kurt slips out of the bed, out of Blaine's arms, grabs the notepad on the bedside table and sketches some experimental lines, he suddenly feels like these outfits were the one thing that was missing from the play.

Like Blaine was the one thing missing from his life all along.