The first time I collapsed they whisked me away with blue flashing lights and I was spinning roundroundround. I swayed lying down and my Dad gripped my hand but it couldn’t keep me grounded and I fell into every inch of darkness that crept towards me. I was so scared. I remember the fear gnawing at me, chewing me up and spitting me out across the deeply sanitised linoleum. I never got over that, but I got used to it.It became my reality.My bones are stiff when they finally drag me up from the ground, frozen. It’s stopped raining but the chill in the air is too much and my decomposing weak legs tremble with every step away from where I leave my guts at the bottom of a trash can.

Limp limp limp, every step forcing chunks of the floor and god knows what else further into my feet.

The streetlights are on now, dirty grungy light making the blood on my arms looks black, the dripping stopped, frozen in the cold. Streaky, spiralling patterns coating paper with cobwebs.

I don’t even consider going back to Vetty, She’ll stick her shovel in my brain and scoop out the skeletons I have hiding in there, creeping behind my battered grey matter, waiting for the chance to jump out and push me off that final ledge. I must be near home. I can see the train tracks through my bleary eyes, the gap small big enough for me to squeeze through. I remember many times when I would fast for a week and then, when I was dizzy and weak enough to pass out I would stand by the tracks hoping the train would come by and sweep me off my feet like a Disney prince from those cheesy children’s movies. That would be my happy ending alright.

Of course I always fell backwards and the trains wouldn’t come and I’d just lie there with rocks replacing the bones in my spine and beautiful black dots putting on a ballet in front of my eyes. Waiting for my bones to pick me up and drag me far enough away to call my Dad so he wouldn’t know my freakish secret. I would have ended up in the facility a lot earlier.

The light is on in the living room when I approach, laughing dancing shadows silhouetted on the closed curtains. I want to fall in there and curl up with my Daddy and watch funny movies and fall asleep with the glow of the TV I must not be seen.

My arms are too frozen to pull the basement window open and it takes pull after pull after pathetic pull to finally crack it open enough for my feet to get through and even more effort I don’t possess to get it wide enough for my ginormous thighs to have room. Blood trickles again and I think my body is falling apart at the seams.

I Land hard on my knees when I clamber through the gap and my brittle bones creak and cry and beg me to stop moving. Just collapse on the floor and die sleep. You need to get rid of those cookies brain says you didn’t puke enough. bad bad bad Kurt, squats push ups jump up and down and up and down, get it out out out.

But my hands and arms and knees are bleeding red red mess all over the floor and my pale pale skin is blue and lifeless and I try to move I want to sleep I want to move but no no no body says, you’re done for today. Gone gone gone, I sent your body to rest rest rest.

fat sleep fat sleep fat sleep

I blink and there’s light on my skin. Not fake light no no no this is real light. Sunlight. Whereami?whathappened?whoami?

I stagger to my feet slowly slowly slowly and grip a chair when I fear I will fall.

My phone is on my bed where I think I must have left it before group. I don’t use it. Dad even cut down the plan a couple of years ago because I threw all of my friends in the trash, in the gutter, I let them go didn’t have anyone to call.

There’s a voice mail on the screen when I flip it open with shaking hands.

“You scared me, Kurtie. Just let me know you’re okay and we’ll keep it our secret, okay?”

Of course.

Don’t tell anyone you couldn’t fix me Vetty, Your reputation will crumble and fall, or maybe you think you fixed me too well. Kurtie Kurtie Kurtie, once ate nothing now eats everything in sight. Damn those factory prototypes, they never work like you want them to.

I decide that I will phone her later. If I remember. I’ll categorise it behind remembering to breathe.

I pull off my jeans and toss them into the laundry basket, don’t look down don’t look down don’t look down and tug on joggers and a sweatshirt to cover the cuts and warm me up.

The kitchen is empty but I know that Finn will be down soon so I set to work on my routine straightaway.

A well-practised dance.

Bowl-cereal-milk, add together, stir stir stir, turn on kettle, pour three quarters of the bowl down the garbage disposal.

Wait

Wait

Wait

The water boils and the kettle squeals.

Now

Disposal on, bye bye crunchy crispy delicious soggy watery disgusting cereal.

Mug-peppermint tea bag, pour pour pour, stir stir stir and sit and sip just in time for the sound of dragging feet and zombie like groans at the too bright light.

“Kurt? I thought you weren’t here…”

“Well obviously I am.”

“Does Dad know you’re here?”

He’s not your Dad.

“No.”

“Do you want me to-”

“No, Finn. Just go to school.”

He shuffles around for a few minutes and I sip my tea feeling the liquid scald my throat as it creeps and crawls its way into my empty stomach.

“Did you eat the last of the Lucky Charms?”

No I destroyed it, I crushed and crumpled it so they’ll think I’m fine, If you check the sink there are bits around the rim, you can tell I didn’t eat it. “Yes. Sorry, I’ll get Dad to pick some up from the store.”

“Oh, okay, cool. Look…Kurt, Rachel’s coming over later and…” He knows I don’t like Rachel. His girlfriend, his girlfriend with the perfect legs and the beautiful collar bones and she doesn’t even have to try. bitch.

“I’ll be in my room.”

“well actually I was wondering if we could use the basement. I mean…it’s quiet and big and Mom always walks in when I’m in my room…”

“You want to use my room to have sex with Rachel.”

“Well-”

“No.” I would have said yes but my laxatives, emergency blades, panic binge food is in there, hidden all around and, If they open my closet, they’d see my food schedule and the food diaries under my bed and the decaying heart crusted with blood.

“Come on dude…”

“DON’T call me dude; It’s my room, my home, my choice. And I choose to keep you in your own space.”

“You’re a real bastard sometimes Kurt, just because you get to skip school and lounge around on your fat ass all day and do whatever you want doesn’t mean you have more right to anything.” Then he’s gone and I push away my cup.

fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat

Finn sees it; he sees the blubber all over my body. He sees the disgusting rolls of fat threatening to smother me any second. I look down and there it is, coating my thighs and my stomach and my arms.

I glance at the kitchen knives.

I wish I could slice open my body and pull out the bones, scrap the fat fat fat from every inch and scoop out the chunky heavy marrow until they’re empty empty empty and then I could shove them back inside and zip up my seams and maybe then I would be thin enough. Maybe then I could finally disappear.

Run run run, Kurt. Before your skeleton arm picks up the knife. Run run run, Kurt. You have no time to waste.