Soft traces of charcoal outlined a mop of messy hair giving it that sweet, unstyled look a person gets after a good night’s sleep.

The face in the drawing had it’s eyes closed and a small pout on the lips, with a shadowed blush high on it’s cheekbones and a few lines on one cheek obviously made by a fluffy pillow cradling the head.

A small drop cascaded down to the top of the drawing and smudged the edges finishing in the corner of the lips on the paper.

Shaking fingers followed the drop, caressing the inanimate figure gently; like the man in the drawing could actually feel the touch.

Smeared with black, those fingers lifted from the paper and came up to brush away the tears threatening to destroy the drawing as the artist let the pencil fall from his hand into the dewy grass next to him.

He glanced at the paper one more time before ripping it away from his sketch pad and crumpling it furiously, throwing it over his shoulder as far away from himself as he could.

“God stop doing this to yourself.”-the boy whispered bringing his knew up and hugging them with his arms, burying his head into them.

“You’re really good at this Cam.”-someone sat beside him and he jumped in surprise.

He lifted his head and saw Jon straightening the paper with his broad palms and looking at the drawing.

Jamie was sleeping peacefully, hair ruffled, cheeks flushed and lips slightly parted.

The paper was a bit torn but the traces of tears were clearly visible and Jon wrapped an arm around Cameron’s shoulders.

He adored Cameron and he adored Jamie.

And the thing between them was destroying the both of them.

Cameron because he knew how he felt but he couldn’t say it, and Jamie because he wanted Cam to be his friend and he kept pushing him away.

He could feel them losing their ability to just be okay with everything.

It was killing them both and he wanted to help.

“Please throw it away. I don’t want someone to see that.”-Cameron said quietly reaching for the almost salvaged drawing but Jon snatched it away.

“Why not? You’re a talented artist Cam. And you drew most of us from the Warblers.”-Jon said keeping the drawing away from Cameron’s destructive hands.

“Not like that, I didn’t.”-the younger boy said and Jon frowned looking back at the drawing.

And the more he stared at it the more he realized what Cameron meant.

Most of the drawings Cam did of his friends consisted of them laughing, talking, singing, or he just generally asked someone to pose for him so he could work on his technique or something.

But this drawing of Jamie…there was something more about it.

There was an undertone of intimacy in his pose, the captured vulnerability made the drawing so much deeper and more meaningful.

It was a pose in which only a lover would see someone.

And Jon knew that if people took one look at that drawing, if they really looked at it, they would see just how much Jamie meant to Cameron; they would see just how much he loved the blonde boy.

“Here…”-Jon said handing the drawing back to Cameron, knowing that it was way too personal for him to keep it “…but don’t destroy it.”

“Why not? I don’t want people to know.”-Cameron said realizing that Jon understood what the drawing meant.

“I know. But maybe there will be a time when you’ll be able to show it to him.”-Jon suggested carefully and then flinched when Cameron trained pain-filled brown eyes at him.

“This isn’t funny J. We both know it’s not gonna happen. There’s no point in me getting my hopes up.”-Cameron said sadly leaning into Jon’s arm.

“Cam…can I say something? Without you getting all defensive and all that.”-he asked softly.

“Umm…sure.”-Cam said not sure where his friend was going with this.

“You’re an idiot…”

“What??”

“Don’t interrupt me kid, I’m still talking. Like I said you’re an idiot. Cameron is not mature yet. As in he has no idea who his mate is. And as rare as mating inside your own rank is, we both know that mismatched mating is even rarer than that. So the way I see it you can continue being miserable while waiting for him to get there on his own. Or you can just tell him and then you two can wait together.”-he suggested locking eyes with a bewildered Cameron who fought to process the information in his head.

“I know it’s rare Jon. But there’s this stupid feeling in my gut telling me that he’ll never be mine. And I’m not gonna tell him. There’s no way I’ll ever do that to him.”-Cameron said and Jon frowned at him.

“Do what to him exactly? Cam there are plenty of couples who start their relationship when one of them is not mature. I mean the chances of mismatching are seriously almost nonexistent. Why torture yourself and him like this?”-Jon asked seriously.

“I…I have my reasons. Trust me.”-Cameron bit back bitterly and Jon flinched at his tone.

“Cam, you know you can talk to me right?”-he asked.

“Yeah… I know…and I want to. But please after you hear me out, don’t ask me to tell him. I just…I want him safe. And I want him happy. And if that means staying away from him then that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Even if it kills me.”-Cameron pleaded and Jon nodded vigorously.

“You really love him don’t you?”-he asked in awe of the strength of the younger boy’s feelings.

“More than life.”-Cam smiled sadly before looking away, his fingers picking at the grass next to him as he pondered where to start and exactly how much of himself to share.

He knew he could trust Jon to keep his secret.

He knew he needed to tell someone.

He knew it would help.

But going back there, even in his mind, was so hard for him.

“I…um…I know that in our world being gay or straight or whatever doesn’t really mean much since it’s all about the pheromones and all that. But in my family it meant a lot.”-he started and Jon frowned confusedly.

In werewolf world the issue of sexuality wasn’t even on the radar of potential problems.

You sensed who you sensed and that was it.

Boy or girl, it wasn’t important at all.

“What do you mean? There’s really no way that could’ve been an issue with your parents.”

“My…my dad was turned. My mom was 17 years old and she fell in love with an older guy. He was 28 at the time. Obviously, things like that can’t really be controlled but still it’s a pretty big age gap. She told him what she was and for whatever reason he seemed thrilled by the possibility of becoming a wolf himself. He was always pretty controlling and somewhat power starved so it was obvious he was going to be an alpha.”-Cameron said and Jon nodded in understanding.

“Was he? An alpha I mean.”-Jon asked and Cameron nodded sadly.

“Of course. Alpha with flying colors and all that.”

“What happened?”-Jon prompted gently when Cameron fell silent.

“Nobody in our pack liked him. He was rude and loud and mean. But he found himself a gang of buddies and went out with them every night. He would get trashed, he would come back home looking like a mess, yelling and insulting my mom. She thought having a baby would change him. She thought the instincts would kick in and he’d settle down and be a real mate to her. And for a while he was.”

“What do you mean for a while?”-Jon asked.

“Right around the time I was born the First of our pack died. His son took over and everybody knew he would be terrible. He was one of my dad’s buddies along with his second in command who had a daughter my age. They had no sense of responsibility and absolutely no desire to grow up. At first my dad was proud of his son, he took me everywhere, bragged about my first word and my first steps. He was the role model dad. And then he realized I was more into art than anything else. It was the first time my mom realized he was homophobic. He would rip my drawings apart, saying it was girly and that only queers doodled around like idiots. When he realized I liked to sing and dance he said all I needed was a skirt to become a ballerina. He would throw angry fits about not letting his son become a fag. My mom tried reasoning with him and explaining that packs didn’t care about things like that. That’s the first time he hit her.”-Cameron said trembling slightly and wrapping his arms around himself.

“Oh my god, Cam. I’m so sorry.”-Jon gasped and hugged his friend, patiently waiting for him to continue.

“As I grew older I started realizing that I really did like boys. But by that time I had no one to turn to. My mom was so deeply scarred and ruined she spent days on end in bed, refusing to talk to anyone. She loved him, she truly did. And I think it’s what destroyed her in the end.”

“Cam…Jesus she’s not…”

“No…no, she’s…she’s still alive. As far as I know. She just refuses to talk to me. She blames me for her failed mating.”

“How can it be your fault?”

“I’m getting there. As the time went by I started spending more and more time away from home. I hid in the woods by this lake with my pencils and my sketch pads and I’d work on my drawing, dreaming of being good enough to get into a great art school and becoming an artist. One day I was sitting there and this girl runs towards me crying and scared. It’s the first time I met Maggie.”

“Maggie?”-Jon frowned trying to place the name.

Cam’s story, although interesting, still made no sense to him.

“The second’s daughter. Anyway I stopped her and asked her what was wrong. We got into talking and I found out who she was. We kind of got along pretty well and we started meeting at the lake almost every day. She’d tell me about her dad and how much she hated him, and I’d pretty much do the same. I told her about my art and she told me about wanting to get out of the pack and travel. She became my best friend. I told her everything about me. Until I realized what she was doing.”

“What do you mean?”

“My dad and her dad bribed her into telling me I was her mate.”

“Oh my God. They can’t do that.”

“Yeah well they did. I wasn’t mature yet but I knew I wouldn’t…couldn’t return her feelings. I told my dad and he went crazy. Saying that he wouldn’t let me pass up the opportunity to be normal. I pleaded with the First of the pack but he was my dad’s friend so he did nothing.”

“How did you get out of it?”

“I almost didn’t. One night I was awaken by voices around me. I looked up and saw my dad and his friends grabbing me from my bed and taking me somewhere. I fought, I tried to get away but they were stronger and there were at least five of them. They took me to the woods where they had the mating ritual set up.”

“They were gonna force mate you??”-Jon gasped and Cam nodded.

The older boy clenched his fists angrily.

Every wolf knew about the ritual of forced mating.

It existed for centuries but was forbidden from use under the penalty of death. There was no worse crime that using that ritual in the world of wolves.

The ritual didn’t bond the two wolves the way regular mating did.

It bonded them in a way that they were unable to find their real mate while the other person was alive.

Jon gripped Cameron’s hand comfortingly and waited for him to continue.

“Maggie came…she looked just as scared as I was. I pleaded with her to tell the truth, to stop them from doing that to us. But to her, the prospect of getting money and a permission to leave the pack was worth more than my life.”

“But…you’re not bonded to her. I mean you and Jamie…”-he trailed off in confusion.

“No they never managed to complete the ritual. A few guys from the pack were on the run that night and they heard me screaming. They found us and saw what they were doing. They reported it all to the council. The First was brought down. My dad and his friends were exiled along with Maggie…my mom resented me for chasing her mate away…and I…I just couldn’t stay there any longer. I talked to the new First, a kind woman who I’m convinced is doing her job right, to contact Blaine’s mom and dad and ask them if I can come here and be a part of their pack. And the rest is history.”-he finished with a sad little shrug and Jon’s heart ached for him.

“Cam I’m so sorry for what happened to you.”-Jon said with tears in his eyes and Cam smiled sadly.
“I’m okay now. You guys are the best family I could have asked for.”-he said nudging Jon with his shoulder seemingly playful again.

But the sadness in his eyes ran so deep Jon could almost feel it burning him on the inside.

The way his smile died before it could ignite that spark in his eyes, the way his movements seemed slow and resigned, the way he talked about his past like it wasn’t his and like it didn’t hurt…but mostly, the way he was willing to let the one person he loved more than anything go even if it meant he’d hurt forever.

“Cam…we all love you, you know that. But what you could have with Jamie…the way he could heal you…”

“I can’t Jon…”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ll never force anyone into a relationship they don’t want or feel. Maggie did it to me. She came to me and told me I was her mate. And even though I felt sure she wasn’t there was a part of me that didn’t want to break her by rejecting her. There was a part of me that almost said yes just so I didn’t hurt her. What do you think Jamie would do if I told him now? Do you think he’d turn his back on me?”-Cam stood up pacing around desperately.

“No…I don’t think he would.”-Jon said because it was the truth.

The Jamie he knew always put others first.

The Jamie he knew would want Cameron happy.

So he would opt to stay with him even though his wolf still wasn’t ready to mate.

“Exactly. I’m never doing that. If…by some greater power, fate decides I deserve him…he’ll feel me…and I’ll be here, waiting for him. As long as it takes.”-Cameron said with a determination that baffled Jon.

He always knew Cameron was strong and he always knew there was more to him than any of them, apart from Blaine, knew.

But this, the story of how he became who he is, fascinated him.

“You’re amazing Cam. And Jamie is one lucky guy. Or well…he will be when that lazy wolf of his decides to get a move on.”-Jon tried to lighten the mood by teasing gently.

Cameron smiled softly.

“I think I’m the lucky one Jon.”-he said as he gazed in the direction of the castle.

Jon followed his line of sight and saw a familiar, tall blonde sitting on the benches outside the dorm rooms.

“I think you should talk to him. Not tell him that you love him or anything like that….I just think this is hurting him too. More than you know. And it would help if he at least had some sort of clue.”-Jon advised.

“I hate hurting him.”-Cameron said eyes still locked at the spot where Jamie sat.

“Then don’t.”-Jon said.

“I just wish it was that simple.”

“Well…call me crazy but I think it could be. Just talk to him. Give him five minutes of your time. He’s not hurting for nothing.”-Jon winked and this snapped Cameron out of his staring.

“What are you talking about??”

“All I’m saying is…he’s taking your distance pretty seriously. He keeps saying it’s because he wants to be your friend. But in my experience, someone refusing my friendship really isn’t as big of a deal as someone rejecting me. I think he likes you Cam.”-Jon said and Cameron gapped at him.

“But…he’s not mature yet.”

“People…well… wolves can like someone without mating with them. And Jamie is old enough to like you.”

“I don’t…I don’t want to start hoping that someday he’ll be mine. I’m scared to let myself think that.”-Cameron said sadly, directing his eyes towards the drawing, his look softening with devotion.

“I think you have no reason to be scared.”-Jon said as he got up and started walking towards school.

“Jon??”-Cam called.

“Hmmm?”-the taller boy turned around.

“Thank you.”-Cameron smiled at him.

“Any time Cam.”-Jon winked and walked away.

Cameron placed the drawing next to him and ran a finger down the drawn face.

“I love you. You have no idea how much.”-he said softly, closing his eyes and missing the longing in Jamie’s eyes as he watched him from afar.