WHERED YOU GO?

Whered you go I miss you so
Seems like its been forever since youve been gone
Please come back home.

"I miss you."
Its nothing more than a whisper, almost softer than the wind. On the other end of the line the responding breath is heavier, but just as pained.
"I know, but it wont be forever."
And despite it all, Blaine believes it. The date on the calendar says that Kurt has been gone for six months and he hasnt come home yet. Not for a day, not for a week-end. Not even for a couple of hours.
Theyve been married for a year now, half of which theyve spent apart.
His husband is on the other side of the country. And Blaine can feel the distance like its something physical, each and every single mile a tangible thing.

Some days I feel like shit.
Some days I wanna quit,
and just be normal for a bit.

"I cant stand them, theyre all fake and petty. Its not what I was expecting, and its not what I want. I wanted to write about fashion, not about parties and gossip."
Blaines voice is like an anchor in the midst of a storm.
"You would regret quitting. And hey, its not forever, right?"
Its what Kurt has been telling him for the last eight months. That this is just a temporary job, the first step towards their dream. But Kurt is in Los Angeles, with his magazine and fashion and runways.
And Blaine is miles away from him. With his patients and his appointments. Hes in their New York house, now empty and silent. For Blaine nothing seems temporary anymore. The distance seems to change a bit by bit into a wall between them. But theres always their love to keep them company. And in the end, everything is going to be alright.

I dont understand why you have to always be gone.

"Happy birthday my love! I didnt get to talk to you before I went to work, but well talk when you wake up. I hope you have a wonderful day. Theres a present for you in the mail."

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin my day around the call,
But when I pick up I dont have much to say

"Im so sorry. I was working all day, and then my co-workers decided to throw me a birthday dinner to celebrate and after we went for a few drinks, I didnt want to wake you up... Blaine?"
A sigh.
"Kurt, its not my birthday you didnt make time to call on."
Its an accusation more than anything else. Because on the day of his thirtieth birthday, the man hes spent most of his life with, has forgotten about him. Not a warning. Not even a message.
"Ive been waiting for a call from you all day. I kept my stupid phone with me, ready to pick it up, during every appointment."
"Blaine.."
"Goodnight Kurt."
The sound of the dead line seems like the echo of their story now.
Kurt leaves a message. "Im sorry. I love you."
But theres no answer.

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while

"Do you need a hand with those burgers?"
Burts voice is comforting. Almost a blanket around the cold thats been taking residence in his heart. Its a tradition for them, reuniting on Halloween. Cooking outside, in the backyard, waiting for the kids dressed up for trick-or-treating to knock on the door.
Its a family tradition, started before they were even a family, when they were just two kids in high school, two helplessly in love sixteen year old boys with no idea what life was about.
"Its always been my job. Yours is to rest. Carole has been sending you threatening looks for a while now."
Burt chuckles "I learned to manage those looks a long time ago." Then silence. "He hasnt come home yet." Blaines face is somber. "No..its been nine months."
"Hell come back."
Blaine just focuses back on the grill, a heavy heart and words stuck behind his closed lips.

Im doin fine, and Im plannin to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say

Its the last patient of the day.
The physical exhaustion is tearing Blaine apart, but more than that its the emotional burnout that is dragging him down.
"Thats the last one for today."
Kates chipper voice is a blessing, a welcomed distraction from the void inside of him.
"Its time to go home, dont you think?"
The question is almost a routine, just like the answer. But this time its different.
"No. Blaine, its time to go out, come on." She gestures for him to follow her. "Youve been buried in that house for months now, you need to be around other people. You need to have a night of fun."
"Kate.." he trails off. Theres an objection on the tip of his tongue, but it stops there to rest heavily. The mute walls of his desolate home are too much to bear, and the bed is a place he doesnt know anymore.
Maybe thats what will be the cure. Maybe he really does need a change.
"Where are we going?"
And the world becomes a little less grey after that.
"Hey Blaine. I was hoping to catch you before going to work but your phone is off," he pauses. "Call me when you can."

Whered you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like its been forever,
That youve been gone,
Please come back home...

"Its been ten months Kurt."
His voice is tired. He has no fight left in him. But how can he let go? How can he not fight for what they have? For what theyve shared?
"I know, I promise Ill be home for Christmas."
"Kurt."
"Its just a few more weeks Blaine. Listen, I have to go now, but Ill call you soon, ok?"
"OK. I love you."
But the line is already dead, his feelings unheard and seemingly unrequited.

Its Christmas eve, the house is empty. The tree in the corner, beside the couch, is waiting to be adorned. They bought it last Christmas, before Kurt left. They had decorated it with old memories and new ones. With a thousand sparkling lights. And now, all it seems to do is mock him, it says; "He hasnt come back. Hes not here. He wont be home for Christmas."
Blaine is tired.
His luggage is ready. He is ready to go back to their family in Ohio. Just a couple of days, because they have work and things to do, but its Christmas. And Christmas is family time before all else.
Its Christmas eve and the message left on his cell phone is mocking him too.
"I cant get out. Go to my parents, Ill see you in a couple of days. III call you tonight."
But he cant go, because he knows whats going to happen. He knows the barely concealed, pitying looks he will receive.
He knows theyre waiting for him to break.
Its Christmas eve and Blaine is tired.
Its Christmas eve.

It seems one thing has been true all along,
You dont really know what youve got til its gone,
I guess Ive had it with you and your career,
When you come back I wont be here...

The house is empty and silent when he opens the door. Hes been gone for twelve months. Its the 28th of December and he should have been back last week, but his job has been hectic, and made it impossible to get back home. Blaines voice the last time hed called had been excruciating and excruciated. The couple of stolen week-ends he had been able to come to LA, not enough.
But they made it, and they would make it still, if that was what it would take. Blaine would never allow Kurts dreams to be tossed aside, not for anything in the world.
But theres something wrong. The air is too still and the shivers running down his spine are not of the pleasurable sort.
The light is on now. Its all too static, too silent.
Blaines desk is the first thing to catch is eyes, its empty, just like the shelf with their CD collection thats next to it.
A feeling hes never felt before freezes him. Its fear.
The run to the bedroom is over too quickly, yet manages to feel like it takes an eternity at the same time. Then come the tears. Desperation.
The closet, the drawers...all empty. The suitcase next to the dresser is gone.

Theres a note on the bed.
His hands shiver as he picks it up. A ring slips from between the paper and falls to the floor, the same one that he put on his boyfriends finger when they got married. The same stating to the whole world that Blaine was his husband, only his.
"Its over." Two words. A shot to the heart.
Because Blaine, beautiful, incredible, irreplaceable, Blaine is gone. Hed stopped fighting for him, for them.
Their time together flashes through his mind, all of their memories happy and bad ones.
The guilt of his absence, the guilt of destroying the most precious thing he had in his life.
It all seems useless now. The long hours at work, the refusal to let go even for a second. Its all been for nothing. Its cost him the man he loves.
He doesnt even have the right to cry, he doesnt deserve it; but he lets them fall anyway. He picks up his cell phone.
His view of the screen his blurred but he manages to type out a few words.
"Ill wait for you."
But the number is disconnected, and the message remains suspended in the air.
Just like their love.
No answer.