Even though you’re next to me I still feel so alone
I just can’t give you anything for you to call your own
And I can feel you breathing
And it’s keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart’s sinking like a weight

It’s just all so wrong.

Blaine’s been biting the inside of his lip for at least twenty minutes. It’s kind of numb now.

He can hear Kurt, so close to him, but separated from him - separated by more than distance, or distraction, but by betrayal. Blaine squeezes his eyes closed, but there’s nothing he can do to block out the sound of Kurt’s breathing. He can imagine the rise and fall of Kurt’s chest, the way it would feel to have his hand or ear against Kurt’s chest. The breathing is even and steady for the most part, with the very occasional hitch. Besides his initial tears when Blaine had first told him, Kurt hasn’t outright cried. His eyes had been red and watery the whole way home, slightly improved after he’d washed his face before bed.

Blaine is amazed at Kurt’s strength, the strength that Blaine himself has never had, always envied. Blaine’s been crying on and off for days. Even now, the way that his heart aches, how his torso feels like it’s been emptied, destroyed from the inside out, he feels like sobbing. He can’t imagine how Kurt feels.

Something I’ve been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss
I couldn’t bear to hurt you but it’s all so different now
Things that I was sure of they have filled me up with doubt

And it is, of course, all Blaine’s fault. He knows that. There’s no excuse. Sure, he has reasons, but they don’t mean anything. He’d tried to explain himself to Kurt, but Kurt had been right to cut him off. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered.

It’s just that he’d felt alone. The way his ‘I love you’ was unreciprocated, met with the harsh sound of a dial tone, and all the missed or ignored calls and texts, and the nights spent at home in his room staring at his computer, waiting for an IM or a video call or something, it had all made him feel so small. Small the way he felt when he stood next to Cooper, in his youth or now. Small the way he felt when his father had looked at him after he’d come out, officially. Small the way he felt in that hospital bed after the Sadie Hawkins dance. Small the way he’d felt when he picked up Kurt’s phone, only a few months before, and seen all the messages from Chandler.

All he wanted was to stop feeling like that. To just, even for a moment, feel like someone cared about him, and only him. Like someone wanted him, more than anything else.

That’s what compelled him to drive to another boy’s house, to walk up the drive and knock on the door. And Eli was ready as soon as he got there, pulling Blaine forward by his bag strap and kissing him immediately. There were no pretenses or build-ups. It was clear what Blaine was there for.

And that’s what he got, clumsily partially-undressed on Eli’s couch, rutting until they came. And Blaine could remember the way he’d bit his lip, but still very nearly said Kurt’s name aloud. It hadn’t even been what he’d wanted, ultimately. He should have realized that before, that a hook-up wouldn’t give him what he wanted - he could have been anyone, so far as Eli was concerned. But hindsight’s a bitch, and here he is, lying in his heartbroken boyfriend’s bed.

How am I supposed to feel about the things I’ve done?
I don’t know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew I threw it all away

And I can feel you breathing
And it’s keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart’s sinking like a weight

The sheets that Blaine clings to smell like Kurt, and the detergent he’s always used. This is the first time that Kurt and Blaine are together in Kurt’s new apartment, in his new life. A life that Blaine desperately wanted to be a part of, but never seemed able to be. Blaine can hear Kurt’s breath, even and slow. He’s asleep, now. So that’s it. They’re officially going to bed without talking. Blaine doesn’t blame him. Blaine doesn’t know why Kurt told him to sleep in the bed, not on the floor. Why Kurt even let Blaine come home with him. Their reunion was supposed to be lovingly tearful, but it’s the complete opposite. Their first night in New York together, in their supposed new life, and Blaine has ruined it. Has ruined everything. This is the first time they’ve ever slept in a bed together without fooling around first. It’s the first time they’ve ever gone to bed angry. It’s the first time Blaine has ever laid next to Kurt and felt anything but peace and relief. And it’s all Blaine’s fault.

It’s at least an hour of listening to Kurt’s steady breaths before Blaine falls into an exhausted, dreamless sleep. And when he awakes, Kurt is no longer next to him.