***

Blaine stares at the ceiling of his bedroom and tries to breathe.

Kurt is a warm quiet bundle curled into him, chest rising softly, serenely in sleep and Blaine tries to match the tempo of his breath, tries to not let the hitches in his own wake Kurt.

Kurt needs the sleep. His face looks so pale and tired and weary in the soft afternoon light. The world has worn him down one too many times.

Blaine runs a hand up Kurts warm shoulders, glad to at least be able to hold him, glad that Kurt is feeling up to being touched and held again, glad that Kurt is finally feeling up to letting go of himself enough to let someone else hold him together. 

When the world shatters this horribly, Kurt closes down and shuts himself away, shies away from contact and comfort. Holds the many jagged pieces of himself together painfully tight (as though to reassure himself he can) before he finally feels able to seek comfort in others. Blaines seen it before. Hes seen it before when Kurt was rejected from NYADA, those first few days of strange half-smiles and brittle edges till Kurt broke in his arms one night.

He remembers Christmas night in New York and Kurt right next to him yet so far away, hesitant in every look and touch and smile. And Blaine lay alone on the couch there that night, breath catching in his lungs, hating himself just that little bit more for what hed done, his stupid stupid mistake, that got them to this strange disconnected, walled-off land. But then Kurt showed up and crawled into his arms, cried silently as he whispered his fears for his father and cancer, and Blaine held him through it, breathing, breathing.

Yes, Blaines done this before. Blaines done this more times than he ever wanted to do, because holding Kurt together means Kurt breaks first. And there is something wrong in a world that breaks someone this precious and beautiful so many times.

Theres something wrong with a world that breaks good people at all.

Earlier that morning, in the choir room watching Rachel sing, feeling the grief like a shroud around every single person. He was trying not to choke, Kurts hand warm in his, Kurt alive and breathing next to him, while the tiny broken girl sang and Blaines heart clouded with pain for her, with loss and grief for everyone. He wants to help but this isnt something he can help. This isnt something anyone can fix. He felt his heart break all over again.

Because how can a person even begin to try and understand that? How can you even begin to understand a wrong in your life that can never be made right, your own helplessness and the finality of something that can just never change?

How can a person even begin to cope with losing the one that holds their heart?

Kurt is warm and soft and safe curled into him now, his arms around Blaines waist, legs tangled heavy over Blaines, head on Blaines chest, right over his heartbeat; as though Kurt needs the reassurance, even while he reassures Blaine with his warm soft weight. 

Blaine draws him even closer and tries to breathe.

He tried to be there for Kurt over the past month. Tried to be something Kurt could hold onto in this upturned, nonsensical world where a person (a friend, a brother, a son, a lover) lived one minute and was gone the next, leaving empty space and empty hearts that try to keep beating. Tried to be Kurts anchor, like Kurt always is to him. Even when all Kurt wanted was to float, to be left to float just a little longer, holding himself aloof and away, keeping himself untethered.

Death has touched Kurts life too many times.

He wouldnt even look at Blaine those first few days, as though looking at Blaine reminded him of one more loss the world could throw his way to break him. He wouldnt even let Blaine touch him. Not even at the funeral, Blaine standing side-by-side with the broken family that had knit itself whole only to be broken again, as they all tried to absorb the finality of a Finn-shaped hole for the rest of their lives, and Blaine just wanted to hold him.

He wouldnt even look at Blaine.

But then the funeral was over and Blaine turned away, desperately wanting to do something, anything for the family hes come to love as his own, but also not wanting to intrude on them at a time like this.

He had turned away to leave them, to find some other way to make himself useful and - a tug on his sleeve, warm fingers brushing the back of his hand. Blaine whipped around, startled and stared at Kurts pale, tear-stained face, eyes bluer than the spring sky around them. Blaine held out his hand tentatively, a promise, an offer, if Kurt wanted it.

And Kurt reached out and took it.

Blaine tried to be everything Kurts family would want over the past month. (His family one day, the gold ring on Kurts finger reminded him. Almost his family already.) He ran errands for Carole and Burt, trying to at least provide the comforts of their house when their hearts could find no comfort. He tried to be everything any of his friends would want, going over to Sams to watch movies with him and giving him a hug when he saw him crying; nights of ice cream at Tinas, providing the proverbial shoulder to cry on. Trying to help glee club keep moving when Mr.Schue would just stand and stare blankly at the wall.

He tried very hard to be there for everyone over the last month. Maybe he should have tried just as hard to be there for himself because now he is here and he cant breathe.

The hitches in his breath are getting louder and tears gather in his eyes and he feels Kurt snuffling against him, moving as though he is waking and Blaine tries to stop. Kurt needs to sleep, Kurts lost so much more than he has, Kurt needs him and Blaine should stop, but he cant seem to stop, he cant stop, stop, stop.

"Blaine?" Kurts head is tilted up, squinting at him sleepily, growing more awake by the second.

"Its nothing go back to sleep," Blaine manages, lifting a hasty hand to wipe at his eye. "I was just having a minute, Im fine. Sleep."

"No," Kurt says determinedly, shifting so his chin is propped up on Blaines chest. He looks sleep-mussed and tired, but very alert, piercing eyes completely focused on Blaine, as though hes seeing right through Blaines facade, seeing right into his heart.

Blaines breathing is starting to go funny again and his face is scrunching up and gosh this is pathetic, hes the one whos supposed to be comforting Kurt, Kurt lost someone in his family, Kurt whos already lost a mother has now lost a brother too and here he is crying on him when Kurt came here seeking comfort and safety and -

"Oh sweetie," Kurt says in an exhale and suddenly hes wrapped up in the warm cocoon of Kurts arms, his face buried in the familiar curve of Kurts neck. Blaine blinks and cries and breathes.

"Sorry," he tries to say, though how much of it comes out coherent hes not sure. "Im sorry I just dont know why it all suddenly feels too much, its just this entire month and everyone and now Rachels here and I cant even imagine - I cant even imagine how she is still standing and breathing, she is so brave, because if it were me, if anything ever happened to you -" Blaines voice breaks and he cant even say it without feeling his very heart crumple, feeling like his lungs are collapsing. He burrows even more fiercely into Kurts body, wraps himself even more securely into the warm embrace, because Kurts here and alive and breathing, and Blaine hates himself for being glad for that when Finn isnt and never will be.  But nothing can make Blaine not glad about having Kurt, there is nothing he wont do to keep Kurt safe.

"Shh," Kurt says, petting his hair like hes comforting a bruised, scared animal. "Shh, its fine, itll be fine. Well get through this, itll be fine. Shh." Death has touched Kurts life too many times.

But this is the first time it has touched Blaines.

Sure, he has grandparents who died when he was barely four, dead aunts hes never even talked to, but never someone so young, never someone so close.

("Good luck, bro," he had said, his grin evident even in his voice, when Blaine called him two days before the proposal. "And now soon well actually be bros! Man, I wish I could be there, Kurts gonna  freak. I just dont think I can get away right now, yknow? Send me a video! And tell Sam I call dibs on best man duties at the wedding. That job is mine."

Itll never be his now.)

Kurt has lowered Blaine onto the bed again, his body lying completely on top of him, pushing him into the mattress, grounding him with his reassuring weight. Blaines head rests on the pillow and he tries to breathe, slowly, in and out, in and out. Kurts mouth plants soft little kisses across Blaines face, soft loving brushes of his lips against Blaines forehead, the tip of his nose, his right eyelid, the corner of his mouth. Blaine breathes.

"When you left for New York again," he whispers to the ceiling as Kurt moves to kiss his collarbone. Kurts mouth pauses there, listening. "When you left again, right after the funeral. I nearly had a panic attack because you were on a plane and going hundreds of miles away and there was no way I could keep you safe."

"Im here, Blaine," Kurt whispers into Blaines skin, a promise. "Ill always be here."

Blaines learning now that sometimes, even when people keep their promises, life can intervene and break it for them.

"Youve been so good, Blaine," Kurt says into the skin behind Blaines ear, nuzzles there. "I dont even know how Id have made it through the last few weeks without you. I was only able to go back to New York because I knew I could trust you to look after Dad and Carole. You dont know how much youve helped. I feel so safe with you. I feel like I can at least try to cope, just knowing you are there and mine."

"Ill always be there for you," Blaine chokes back, a promise for a promise. 

Kurt moves back up, kisses away the few fresh teardrops from the corners of Blaines eyes. "Tell me what you need," he murmurs.

"You," Blaine says, because isnt that always true? "You, I just need you."

Kurt kisses him, mouth moving slowly over Blaines, tasting of salty tears and fatigue and love. Blaine grips Kurts face, pulls him closer, tighter. Kurts hands start moving, unbuttoning Blaines shirt.

They havent done this for over a month. Havent felt up to losing themselves in one another, when all they would find would be grief.

The last time they were intimate was right after their engagement, that endless night and that bright morning, where the world seemed to be made of happiness, where everything was breathless kisses and hope and love and the ring on Kurts finger. 

Their world has turned drastically since then.

But the love is still there, that is one thing that hasnt changed. The one thing that Blaine knows will never change. Kurt kisses down his body and he just loosens, like the knot tying up his lungs has just unfurled, vanished. He takes a deep breath, breathes in the scent of him, familiar and comforting.

Blaine lies back and lets Kurt make him feel safe.

Everything is soft, comforting. Kurt gets rid of all their clothes, settles fully on top of him, kissing him gently, skin against flushed skin everywhere. Blaine lets his legs part and Kurt moves in between them, moves closer, moans into his mouth. He doesnt taste like tears anymore, he just tastes like them. Blaine gets lost in him.

After a month of holding on, a month of holding up, he lets go.

Kurt slides into him, slow and careful, and moves in him steadily, little reassuring kisses broken off by choked moans. Blaine wraps his legs around Kurts waist, wraps his arms around Kurts neck, feels wrapped up in Kurt everywhere. Feels them moving together, feels the sparks going up his spine, the liquid warmth pooling in his stomach and the fire rushing through his veins. Holds Kurts gaze, Kurts pupils blown wide and eyes a deep deep blue, before pulling him in for another messy, too-feeling kiss. It feels so right to be with Kurt like this. For the first time since the world shook up around them, Blaine feels right.

And he breathes. 

Kurt shifts them, moves in with more purpose, faster, harder. He slips a hand between them and starts jerking Blaine off. Blaine can hear himself letting out high gasping moans and incoherent pleas. His legs fall open wider, too overwhelmed to keep them up, and he feels Kurts hummingbird heartbeat right next to his own.

The world explodes into a million pieces when he comes. Vaguely he registers Kurt following him while he floats, feels like his brain got knocked off-kilter. Kurt collapses on him, breathing heavily and Blaine wraps his legs around him again, holds him close.

They lie there a few minutes, panting and Kurt tries to pull away, as though to get off of him. Blaine holds on tighter, doesnt think hell ever get enough of holding him. Kurt has to be back in New York soon, hell be leaving again in two days and Blaine just needs him.

"Can we just stay a little longer like this?" he asks, a little desperately. "A few more minutes?"

"Of course, Blaine," Kurt says gently, settling on him again; his heartbeat against Blaines, creating a strange drumbeat rhythm of their own. "Anything you want."

Blaine holds him as the world slowly snaps back together, becomes less hazy. He feels worn down and bone-deep tired. He can only guess how much more exhausted Kurt must feel. 

"We should sleep," he says blinking sleepily. "You need sleep too, Kurt." He hears Kurt snort and feels him stifle a laugh against his neck.

"Thats exactly what I was doing before someone decided to wake me up to have their wicked way with me," Kurt says teasingly, and god, its so nice to hear him tease again. He pulls out of Blaines arms and goes to find a washcloth to clean them up.

Blaine feels bereft already.

Kurt returns and gently runs the cloth over them, cleaning them up before giving in to Blaines wordless scrabbling and settling in behind him, slotting their bodies together. He pulls up the sheets over them and molds himself to Blaines back, one arm around the curve of his waist, one leg wrapped around him and nose buried in his soft curls. 

Blaine leans back into the warm embrace, feels Kurts lips softly, sleepily moving up his shoulder blade. He closes his eyes and breathes.

***