thatgleekychick
May 11, 2012, 6:20 p.m.
Nothing More to Take
Companion piece to Nothing Left to Give. Blaine's P.O.V-There were five steps between Kurt's front door and the spot in Kurt's living room where Blaine left Kurt before he walked out of it.
T - Words: 953 - Last Updated: May 11, 2012 761 0 0 0 Categories: Angst, Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel,
Author's Notes: I had always intended to write this from Blaine's POV but I never thought it would take me 7 months to do it.
There were five steps between Kurt’s front door and the spot in Kurt’s living room where Blaine left Kurt before he walked out of the door and Kurt‘s life. Each step Blaine took away from Kurt, each step Blaine took towards the door felt like a lifetime to Blaine. Long moments laced with memories, regrets and what ifs all echoing in harmony with the sound of Kurt’s crying and the sound of Blaine’s sneakers connecting with the floor.
Step One.
Blaine’s right foot went forward, his heart racing so quickly he was sure he was going to have to stop just to breathe properly. His own words lingering behind him, filling the air like a cloud of smoke. ‘We can’t be together anymore’ ringing in his ears like the remnants of a bell. He had to get out of there before he changed his mind, before he turned around and begged Kurt to forgive his moment of insanity. He needed to do this, for Kurt, for themselves and their future. Even if their futures were no longer connected. But as Blaine’s right foot pressed into the carpet he was suddenly reminded of the past. He was late, turning around on a stair case to meet the beautiful face of a spy who would later become his friend, then his lover. This was where their story began. This was the beginning of Kurt and Blaine.
Step Two.
As his left foot stepped forward, Blaine tugged his hand from Kurt’s desperate grasp. The air was frigid around Blaine’s hand as the physical contact was broken and his hand clenched shut in response. The touch of a fingertip is as sexy as it gets Kurt had once told him. The simple connection of even the slightest bit of skin, in of the least sexual touches was the most crucial. But Kurt had never mentioned what it was like when that touch was severed. Maybe because most musical theatre had a happy ended. But Blaine knew now that the severing of that touch caused the most gut wrenching pain. It sucked the oxygen from your lungs cut deep into the soul. His hands had known nothing more than the warm embrace of Kurt’s pale skin and their fingers that fit perfectly together with each other’s. Blaine remembered the first time the contact was made before running down an empty hallway. The memory was happy, but the recognition that the touch would never be made again was far from joyous.
Step Three.
Right foot again. The step felt more forced than the other two as his brain and his heart conflicted over what was right and what was wrong. Blaine could hear Kurt crying behind him and he hated himself. He hated that he’d done this to Kurt. But things were about to change, Kurt was about to embark on a new journey in his life. He was about to go to New York and take over the world. And as much as Kurt promised that Blaine wouldn’t lose him, he couldn’t help but feel like for the next year he would be nothing but an obligation for Kurt. Everything would be new and Blaine would just be the pathetic boyfriend from Nowhere, Ohio that Kurt had to remind himself to call on a daily basis. If this wasn’t what Kurt really wanted he would fight Blaine, right? Then why wasn’t he? Why wasn’t Kurt reaching out and begging him to change his mind?
Step Four.
As Blaine took another step it was becoming less likely that Kurt was going to stop him. The finality of the whole thing was beginning to wash over him. He was practically to the door and this was it. It was what he wanted right? He’d ended it, so it must have been. But it was the like the universe was splitting just as Blaine felt the crack beginning to form deep inside. He’d spent the last year and a half being half of a team, half of Kurt and Blaine and as the door to the Hummel house got closer, as his feet moved him he felt himself suddenly as just Blaine. He felt alone. It had been so long since the last time he’d felt this way and it had never before left the cold empty feeling inside him. Like something was missing. Like he’d lost the piece that had finally made everything complete.
Step Five.
As Blaine’s hand curled around the handle of the door, Blaine only stopped for a second, but never turned around to look back at Kurt. He couldn’t turn and see what emotions were on Kurt’s face. He didn’t want to know if there was red around Kurt’s eyes from his tears, he didn’t want to see the boy that he loved, that he would always love knowing that he’d never look at him again. Blaine had made up his mind, and there was nothing that could be said to change it.
Blaine took a deep breath as he turned the door knob, walked over the threshold and onto the porch shutting the door behind him. The sound of the door clicking into place was deafening.
Blaine felt empty.
Blaine had spent the last year and a half years with Kurt in love. Blaine had given Kurt love, and Kurt had given Blaine more than he ever imagined was possible. He’d meant it when he said Kurt was the love of his life, but he would not be Kurt’s. He’d once planned on doing it forever, giving Kurt love, and taking whatever the other boy had to offer because it was the most beautiful thing ever, their love. But now, there was no more love to take from Kurt, because Kurt wasn’t there.
Step One.
Blaine’s right foot went forward, his heart racing so quickly he was sure he was going to have to stop just to breathe properly. His own words lingering behind him, filling the air like a cloud of smoke. ‘We can’t be together anymore’ ringing in his ears like the remnants of a bell. He had to get out of there before he changed his mind, before he turned around and begged Kurt to forgive his moment of insanity. He needed to do this, for Kurt, for themselves and their future. Even if their futures were no longer connected. But as Blaine’s right foot pressed into the carpet he was suddenly reminded of the past. He was late, turning around on a stair case to meet the beautiful face of a spy who would later become his friend, then his lover. This was where their story began. This was the beginning of Kurt and Blaine.
Step Two.
As his left foot stepped forward, Blaine tugged his hand from Kurt’s desperate grasp. The air was frigid around Blaine’s hand as the physical contact was broken and his hand clenched shut in response. The touch of a fingertip is as sexy as it gets Kurt had once told him. The simple connection of even the slightest bit of skin, in of the least sexual touches was the most crucial. But Kurt had never mentioned what it was like when that touch was severed. Maybe because most musical theatre had a happy ended. But Blaine knew now that the severing of that touch caused the most gut wrenching pain. It sucked the oxygen from your lungs cut deep into the soul. His hands had known nothing more than the warm embrace of Kurt’s pale skin and their fingers that fit perfectly together with each other’s. Blaine remembered the first time the contact was made before running down an empty hallway. The memory was happy, but the recognition that the touch would never be made again was far from joyous.
Step Three.
Right foot again. The step felt more forced than the other two as his brain and his heart conflicted over what was right and what was wrong. Blaine could hear Kurt crying behind him and he hated himself. He hated that he’d done this to Kurt. But things were about to change, Kurt was about to embark on a new journey in his life. He was about to go to New York and take over the world. And as much as Kurt promised that Blaine wouldn’t lose him, he couldn’t help but feel like for the next year he would be nothing but an obligation for Kurt. Everything would be new and Blaine would just be the pathetic boyfriend from Nowhere, Ohio that Kurt had to remind himself to call on a daily basis. If this wasn’t what Kurt really wanted he would fight Blaine, right? Then why wasn’t he? Why wasn’t Kurt reaching out and begging him to change his mind?
Step Four.
As Blaine took another step it was becoming less likely that Kurt was going to stop him. The finality of the whole thing was beginning to wash over him. He was practically to the door and this was it. It was what he wanted right? He’d ended it, so it must have been. But it was the like the universe was splitting just as Blaine felt the crack beginning to form deep inside. He’d spent the last year and a half being half of a team, half of Kurt and Blaine and as the door to the Hummel house got closer, as his feet moved him he felt himself suddenly as just Blaine. He felt alone. It had been so long since the last time he’d felt this way and it had never before left the cold empty feeling inside him. Like something was missing. Like he’d lost the piece that had finally made everything complete.
Step Five.
As Blaine’s hand curled around the handle of the door, Blaine only stopped for a second, but never turned around to look back at Kurt. He couldn’t turn and see what emotions were on Kurt’s face. He didn’t want to know if there was red around Kurt’s eyes from his tears, he didn’t want to see the boy that he loved, that he would always love knowing that he’d never look at him again. Blaine had made up his mind, and there was nothing that could be said to change it.
Blaine took a deep breath as he turned the door knob, walked over the threshold and onto the porch shutting the door behind him. The sound of the door clicking into place was deafening.
Blaine felt empty.
Blaine had spent the last year and a half years with Kurt in love. Blaine had given Kurt love, and Kurt had given Blaine more than he ever imagined was possible. He’d meant it when he said Kurt was the love of his life, but he would not be Kurt’s. He’d once planned on doing it forever, giving Kurt love, and taking whatever the other boy had to offer because it was the most beautiful thing ever, their love. But now, there was no more love to take from Kurt, because Kurt wasn’t there.