The old building creaked with the winter winds while Kurt pulled Rachel’s blanket tightly around him, snug and tight. Despite that, he still felt like his heart and mind were shattered and floating away from him. He did his best to zone out, just stare at the patterning of the bricks and follow that to sleep. But too much troubled his heart to just drop it for the night. Cancer. It’s only a few letters but it’s a big word, overwhelming and suffocating. A warm reminder from the universe that all good things end and he doesn’t get to be happy—not without a price. The word swam around in his head, hitting up the edges and knocking against his temples and the backs of his eyeballs. It wasn’t long until tears started coming, just when he thought he was done with it. His dad is the single most important person in his life and he’s going to be in the hospital. Again. He managed to make it a few more minutes overthinking the soap-opera tragedy of his life when sobs started to tear out of him. It wasn’t continuous or loud but it was deep and definite, from the back of his throat out his spine. He kept it intermittent, one every three minutes or so, just a pressure release on the gas so he wouldn’t explode. Yet. He let the tears fall freely, not bothering to wipe them away until he was ready to clean himself up. With a few more shaky breaths, he did his best to breathe in and out, to push all the poison thoughts out from the bottom of his stomach, where they sat. Carefully, he pat the tears from his face and neck and blew his nose.

“Kurt? Are you still up?” He hadn’t heard Blaine approach, but he was a good ten feet away from the bed.

“Just…I just have a lot on my mind. I’ll be fine.” Kurt said quickly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Blaine offered, still keeping his distance. “Just to clear your head?” Kurt remained silent, contemplating. He took a few more shaky breaths and wrung his hands a bit. To be honest, he didn’t know what he wanted right now. Well, that’s a lie. He knew exactly what he wanted: for his dad to not have cancer, for Blaine to not have cheated, to be able to look at Blaine without wanting to wrap his arms around him and not let go and at the same time wanting to yell and scream at him even though he shouldn’t, to get to go two months without his life falling apart after he had done everything he could to pick up the pieces. Blaine still didn’t say anything more, just stood there with locked knees and arms folded over his chest. But when Kurt nodded just slightly, he was at the bed, sure to walk slowly, and perched lightly on the opposite edge of it.

“I’m—I’m just—I want things to be okay in my life for once.” Kurt said with his clear, even voice. “Every time I catch a break, something else falls apart. And it’s just really frustrating that ever since I got to New York I’ve been constantly putting my life together, just to have it fall apart. Again. Why can’t things just be okay?” Blaine didn’t have an answer for Kurt—probably because an answer didn’t exist. Kurt’s life had been a giant shit storm, there’s no way of sugar coating it. And he couldn’t expect Blaine to say anything to that, and he didn’t. “And I can’t—I can’t do anything about it. I just wish I could do something about it.” There wasn’t anything to say then, from either of them. Kurt grabbed another tissue to blow his nose and let the silence settle between them. For about ten minutes, Blaine sat on the edge of the bed, watching Kurt and waiting for him.

“Why—why did you do it?” The way Kurt said it was terrified and heartbroken as much as it was terrifying and heartbreaking. He asked with a tone that dared Blaine to answer. He took a moment, making sure Kurt wanted one; Blaine did his best to be plain about it, because he couldn’t put his own emotional burden on Kurt. His shaking breath betrayed him before he spoke as evenly as he could.

“Because I felt like I wasn’t enough for you anymore. As a boyfriend. Or as…me.” Kurt didn’t react, but seemed to expect more, so Blaine went on. “Like you had such a fantastic life out here and I wasn’t a part of it. And maybe I wasn’t supposed to be.” Kurt shifted slightly, and Blaine took that to mean he should shut up. After a few moments of contemplation of this knowledge, Kurt nodded again, and Blaine nodded back, even though Kurt couldn’t see him.

“I just want to you know that, with what’s going on with your dad and you being at NYADA and everything, I’m always going to be there for you, whatever you need. And I’m keeping an eye on your dad. I’m not trying to push for anything, it’s just—this is a lot, and you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.” When Blaine heard another shaky breath out of Kurt, he was quick to be quiet. Kurt didn’t say anything or move, all the joints in his body locked together. Blaine swallowed a deep breath of air and stayed just where he was, waiting for the cue from Kurt.

It was…a lot to take in to say the least. Kurt swallowed the words and did his best to process everything. He’s grateful to have Blaine offer his support, but it’s also his ex-boyfriend who he still hasn’t forgiven completely and also his best friend who he loves. And he couldn’t separate out the roles Blaine had played in his life because the whole time it had been all of them, and always him. Always, always Blaine. But right now, he needed his best friend and some sense of normalcy in the nightmare that has life has become. Kurt didn’t realize how long he’d been thinking about what he wanted, but he could hear Blaine thinking from behind him, worried. He pulled his legs up onto the bed, sitting cross legged on his comforter.

“I still can’t forgive you. I want to, but I’m still not there.” Kurt still couldn’t meet Blaine’s gaze, but he saw him nod briefly. “But—I’m—I still miss you, and I don’t know how to reconcile that.” His breath hitched and he felt more tears gather on the edge of him. Blaine didn’t say anything in response because there wasn’t anything left for him to say. “Would you stay here for the night?” Kurt asked, even though he knew he shouldn’t. Blaine nodded slowly, and stood up from the edge of the bed and walked up to pull the comforter back. Once Kurt was settled underneath, Blaine laid down toward the edge, careful to give Kurt his space. But when he looked up to tell him good night, Kurt was propped up on his elbow and had the ghosts of tears trailing down his face. So Blaine shifted slightly toward him and Kurt quickly fell into his arms, head resting at the top of his chest. Blaine folded his arms around the top of Kurt’s back, careful not to cross any boundaries or make him uncomfortable. But Kurt just laid next to Blaine and let himself cry. When Blaine felt the tears through his shirt, he held him tighter and rubbed circles on his back. He did his best to give Kurt as much comfort and love and warmth as he could. If he couldn’t have a healthy dad or the boyfriend he misses, maybe this.