August 2012

Blaine blinked a few times to get the sleep out of his eyes. He had been dreaming the same dream he’s had for the past few weeks. It wasn’t as much of a dream as foresight. And that inevitable is today. So he stares at the ceiling and tries to memorize as much of today, this moment, as he possibly can.

He stares up into his cream colored ceiling and sees a patch of mismatched paint from an incident when he was in 5th grade and Aladdin had just come out. He remembers how his dad had been mad at him for putting up posters in the ceiling without telling him and he just wanted Blaine to study American history rather than sing those girl songs from Disney.

He checks his curtains, remembers that they are the same ones that he had that first night Kurt had stayed over. He remembers because he had noticed how when the sun shone thru them, the light that hit Kurt’s face was enough to highlight his eyes. And that it was probably the first time he had actually felt butterflies in his stomach when Kurt’s eyes caught his.

He turns to his bedside table and sees an untouched glass of once-warm milk. Kurt was right, warm milk does make the lady chats flow faster.

Next to it was a framed picture of that time in the summer when they went for a drive and got a flat tire on the freeway. It’s so silly, that picture. Blaine’s tire blew out because of the heat and Kurt had been freaking out about the possibility of getting hit (and being on the 6 ‘o clock news that night as the teenage boys who were dumb enough to get out of their car and push it to the shoulder only to be hit by a big rig). Blaine was the one calm enough to call Burt and had his tow truck come pick them up. Kurt had calmed down after an epic fail moment of Blaine trying to actually change the tire and hopelessly failing at even getting the spare out of the trunk. He was mimicking how Blaine’s face looked as he tried to lift the tire and Blaine took that picture with Kurt’s face all scrunchy.

Kurt absolutely hates that picture. He’s actually burnt prints of it. The one on Blaine’s table now is the sixth print. And it’s lasted a good two days.  Blaine knows Kurt has plans of shredding this one while he’s in the shower.

Blaine lies on his belly and buries his head on his pillow long enough to memorise the scent. It smells like them. After they’ve spent so long together. It’s not even sexual. It just, it smells like Kurt’s shampoo and Blaine’s hair gel. And their held hands. On a spring day where the sun has just set and the dusk sets in and a drizzle of rain has just stopped and everything is basking in the day’s afterglow. His sheets smell like them. And Blaine breathes in deep, and long, almost desperate to keep that scent lingering for as long as he can.

He turns his head, ever so slightly, with one eye still buried in the pillow, and peeks at Kurt sleeping soundly next to him. This must be his favorite thing in the world, to watch Kurt look so calm and happy sleeping next to him. He remembers the first time he woke up like this. They weren’t together yet, but Blaine had come over the Hummel’s house, after a particularly nasty argument he’d had with his dad. He had found out Blaine was listed as second string in his fencing team. He had just gotten off the phone with the Dalton fencing coach, wherein he was told that the Warblers council had asked if Blaine could spend more time practicing for Regionals. Singing was a hobby, not a career. He needed to grow up and stop being a dreamer all the time. Blaine’s mom had finally stepped in for she’s had enough of him stifling Blaine’s dreams. Then they started arguing. And Blaine had to get out. So he got into his car and drove. And he ended up in Kurt’s driveway. And Kurt hadn’t asked any questions. And Burt just had them leave the door half open and they had fallen asleep halfway into Some Kind Of Wonderful.

He stares at Kurt. And for a moment he just wants to memorise his face. The way his hair falls against his closed eyes. He thinks Kurt must still be dreaming from the small movements on his face. His nose crinkles a little bit, like the way it does after a particularly sweet kiss Blaine plants on it. His eyelashes seem fluttery, like after he’s laughed at Blaine singing along Pink in the car. There’s a hint of the tiniest smile on his lips, the kind that makes Blaine’s heart skip a beat after Kurt catches him staring at him over his coffee.

He turns his head more to face him properly and noiselessly reaches over and sweeps the hair off Kurt’s face. Kurt shifts a little, he’s facing the ceiling more now and Blaine had the chance to memorise his profile. He will know that profile from miles away. He traces his forefinger from Kurt’s forehead, to that dip where his nose bridge starts, to the tips of his nose where he likes to place soft kisses on. To those lips, those lips that he will never stop wanting to kiss. And he can’t stop from lifting himself a little bit, enough to plant a very light kiss on those lips that he loves so very much. He steadies himself with his elbow propped on the pillow and rests his head on his palm and waits to see if his kiss wakes Kurt up. He just stirs a little bit, a smile form on his lips, his eyebrows lifts as he sighs, but stays asleep.

He can’t help smile himself. And he keeps watching him as Kurt snuggles the blankets close to his face. Blaine lets his head fall back into the pillow and snuggles by Kurt’s ear. He doesn’t expect Kurt facing him and pulling him close to snuggle at his chest. He fits. When he’s right there against Blaine’s chest, he fits. He fills in all the empty space between them and Blaine is sure it’s not just the physical emptiness that Kurt fills. He feels silly thinking about it now, but it is funny how true it is, Kurt is the missing puzzle piece.

But as soon as his smile forms, he feels warmth in his eyes and he has to close his eyes and breathe deeply. Today, he will hold him as long as Kurt sleeps because tonight is the night they say goodbye.

He is pulling Kurt closer, as if holding him tighter would make tonight not happen. But they had talked about how today was going to unfold. Kurt had finished packing everything he was bringing to New York three days ago. Finn, Kurt and Him had loaded up the U-Haul two days ago. Kurt stayed over Friday night, they went out to brunch yesterday and spent the rest of the day in Blaine’s room watching movies and scheduling and reviewing their Skype dates and email updates. They made dinner and afterwards, laid out on the backyard where Blaine had his guitar out and Kurt just stared at the stars. “If you ever feel like I’m too far away,  don’t.” Kurt said while Blaine watched him. “Remember how today was. And think that this time, next year, we’ll be doing the same exact thing in our apartment. And how today was just another day.”

And Blaine remembers the way Kurt kissed him last night, like it wasn’t goodbye at all. He kissed him the same way he always does, like it’s always the first time and they’re back at Dalton over Pavarotti’s half-done casket. And Blaine remembers how he had to bite his lips, right after Kurt pulls away, because even then it already hurt thinking that was one of the last times he’ll feel Kurt’s lips against his in quite a long time. He remembers how Kurt held him, and that they both knew they were both hurting because no matter how tough they present themselves to each other, they’re both scared that things will change once Kurt drives off.

So he lets Kurt snuggle him, holds him tighter and breathes it all in. Last time in god knows how long. He tries not to think about it, and he tries to keep it together, but the tears are falling and he’s wrapping his arms around him even tighter.

Kurt wakes up to hear sniffling from Blaine. And it scares him. Because after everything they’ve done to prepare themselves from this moment, today is still going to break their hearts. All he can do is wrap his arms around Blaine and lets him hold him as tight and as long as he wants.

“Kurt – “

“Don’t, Blaine. It’s alright. I’m here.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t – “

“Ssshh. It’s okay, honey. Don’t apologise.”

And its breaking Kurt’s heart to hear Blaine’s usually composed voice break.

“Tonight’s tonight. Remember? But I’m here today. Right now. I love you.”

“I love you so much, Kurt.” And Kurt gasps softly against Blaine’s chest as he kisses the top of his head.

Blaine closes his eyes and he wills his tears to stop. Kurt’s right. They’re here right now. And they love each other. Tomorrow, he will wake up alone in his bed. And despite Carole’s protests, he can’t come over to the Hudson-Hummel house anymore. Not for a while. Not until he can get used to not seeing Kurt open that door with the sweetest smile on his lips.

Blaine sniffs in the rest of his tears and puts on his brave face to look Kurt in the eyes. “If New York is ever mean to you, you just call and I’ll come get you, ok?”  

“You can’t save me forever, Blaine.”  Kurt smiles.

“I know. But let me think I can.” He smiles back. Kurt kisses him softly, and does not move any further.

“One year.”

“One year.”

Blaine breathes in deep and takes in Kurt. The sun is shining through the curtains and the day is calling to be lived. Kurt touches his cheek and Blaine tugs them closer together. They will get out of bed sometime today, because today needs to be lived in order for tomorrow to come.